Do You Miss Intimacy More Than Sex?

Is there such a relationship,of coarse it's going to take time.Any long term relationship is going to have it's ups and downs and it really wouldn't be wise to spill your guts right a way.I must admit that I don't want to know a womans every need and desire before we have sex.And I have had short term relations that I felt was very fulfilling.

There is nothing more savory than deep sensual sex laced with intimacy. The rich velvet taste of passion waiting for you, watching your approach, reaching out and pulling you deep down into it's craving arms.



But the reality to the above is, this is not my spouse I'm talking about... It's my lover. I knew from the first moment I felt her touch what I was missing. I learned from that moment that the life I was living, I could not live any more. Life time is too precious to waste after you pass the forty mark. Just sitting and watching it pass by, wishing you were like others that have what you don't. Watching love/sex scenes wishing it was you.



Your line in your posting "because I DO want to have sex..every day!" those words would never come from my spouse. The sheer thought of that much sex would put her into a comma.



We are separated now. As bitter sweet as it was for us to face the reality that we were in a "Roommate Marriage", it took the courage to say the words... "Do we really want to live like this for the rest of our lives? I don't"



~Max~

Great post Smilin'. As you can see from the amount of responses, it really struck a nerve with a lot of folks. We meet when we are young, for most of us, and we never want that initial rush to leave us. But it does, it always does. Then we grow and inevitably we all change. And we hope that our partners change with us. But that does not always happen. Leaving a "cruel and abusive" partmer is easy. But what does one do when they wake up one day with a nice enough person, but just not for them?

Thanks for posting. This is worth reading again and again... :)

Yes, intimacy is what is missing in my marriage. I agree with you completely. You are a little more ready than I am, but it sure sounds like you are on the right path. I will have to work on it too.

Thanks!

Couldn't have expressed it better myself. I have been accused of coming across as needy.

The plain fact is that the last item on the list is the truth for many of us. I was asked if I would want to renew my wedding vows in Hawaii like some friends recently did.



Nope, I would not do that again... with you. I held my tongue.

to me...real intimacy......is love without fear.....you can say what you need to say..and your comfortable saying it..



I was in fear for years about having to deal with how unhappy i was..and so that is not love..Having to pray for the right moment, and courage etc to finally speak up, is not a loving relationship....A person that loves you..truly loves you..will be understanding and concerned with your concerns..and so the intimacy is just there. The freedom to speak and share is there.



.and the other half of that...being willing to listen to what your partner is saying and sharing, and to do that without fear...that is intimacy..and to welcome your partner into your life on a daily basis, is real intimacy..to care about what he/she is feeling and thinking and wanting and sharing that is intimacy...



In my marriage...I never really had any of that...i spoke and shared cautiously..because i was never really sure how that information would be received..and reacted to.

I love your story,article and comments... I agree with ladyran... And us who are living alone must try to have stimulating conversation with the opposite sex and still try to be a gentleman or wise woman, especially here at EP.

Actually they should go together, one without the other is meaningless to me. There are probably times where one or the other might be the priority but in general I need both for total satisfaction. So in answer to the question I would miss both equally if I had neither.

I would simply answer you, with. . . I miss intimacy more than sex.

I'll comment on this later, ok?

Now that I've been paying close attention, I have found that when I have not been having sex, I also have not been enjoying much intimacy either. I've also noticed that during the times I've had sex without enjoying it, there was little intimacy during the sex - it was like she wasn't really present.

@ ART of ROMANCE....EXCELLENT POSTS...BUT THERE'S STILL SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR EMOTIONAL FIDELITY AND SEXUAL FIDELITY. BUT I THINK EACH COUPLE HAS TO WORK THAT OUT BETWEEN THEM..I KNOW I WOULD BE CRUSHED IF THE WOMAN WHO I HAD GIVEN MY HEART TO CHEATED ON ME BEHIND MY BACK, JUST AS SHE WOULD BE VERY HURT IF I CHEATED ON HER.....BUT ASIDE FROM THAT SPECIFIC, I DO AGREE WITH 99% OF WHAT YOU SAID..IF NOT 99.9%...hahahah

Wow

Heck yes.



Sex is not what I miss the most. It is the emotional connection, the affection, the passion, the caring about each others feelings and desires, an authentic passion to explore and satisfy those desires for one another. To fully complete one another other, our minds, our souls, our spirits, dancing together in perfect harmony, then the amazing pleasure to experience our bodies together in skin tingling, heart pounding, toe curling passion. Mmmmm…..



Yes, I want it all.

VERY, VERY TRUE.......THANK YOU @BEAVERMAN



It is a fine line between what the body craves and the heart desires. And it hurts both when one or the other is denied.

It is a fine line between what the body craves and the heart desires. And it hurts both when one or the other is denied.

Looks like I've stumbled across something great here. I love your post @ intimacy vs. love and sex.

LOOKS LIKE I'VE STUMBLED ACROSS SOMETHING REALLY GOOD HERE..

Wow! Awesome bits of insight from all on this subject. Great post! My advice? If its not right, work to try and dissolved it. Intellectual Intimacy is the beginnings to the hugging, the kissing, the emotional and physical human connections we need. Sex is just the end result. Satisfying as it may be, human connection starts in the mind. We were never made to be monogamous, its against our biological nature. People grow, change and mature at different levels and different times. When the intimate connection is lost and the years of suffering to try and patch the connection just leaves you frustrated n resentful, its time to free yourself. Allow yourself to find other people fascinating and interesting. Its what makes you feel most alive!! Don't we deserve to live the rest of our lives flowing free and alive like a beautiful waterfall instead of stagnant and still waiting to just dry up like a puddle?

Well, sex is a form of intimacy. It's a good sign in a relationship. However, alone I would probably have to choose the other form of intimacy. Sex alone is an addictive pleasure, love is more important. Put it this way i'd rather have weed than sex. Guys just can't control their sexual desires aswell as women.

http://hazey12.blogs.experienceproject.com/

I agree with you 1000%. I wrote in another post recently that when I come out of this SM, I am not looking to just hook up with someone. I do want it to meaningful. I want the love and passion. That is what I miss and want most. It's not sex, but making love. Connecting with someone.



I wrote more, but I think it might be more appropriate in a separate post because I do not want to get off topic here.

Is the glass half empty or half full?

i actually enjoyed reading ur post. ur friend actually asked a great question...i asked myself the same thing and wow it does make a differnce w/ my H i have neither emotional or physical and yet wit AG i was having the emotional and then a tease of physical but now its more phsical and i guess thats why im started to feel as if its fizzling..... thanks i needed to think about all that

Another interesting perspective to think about.



I am of the view that such thinking about such subjects is best done at distance from the dysfunctional situation one might be in, and in retrospect.



In other words, vacating the dysfunctional situation needs to be the primary focus. Ruminate about the "why" and / or the "how" later, when you are out of it. You'll see it a whole lot clearer then.



Tread your own path.

I have observed that with my wife, lately, I've been raising the flag much earlier in the process when things have slipped off track, before they even get to a crisis stage with sex - which is where I used to notice the tipping point. Now, I notice that the canary in the coal mine is kissing, eye contact, casual physical touch, and attention. They always correlate with the sex talk that will happen a week or two down the road, as we continue to course correct. I've begun to step up the point where I raise it with her as an issue and get her feelings on it or what might be causing it. the last two discussions on the matter have happened when I wasn't even particularly feeling much desire myself.



I'm likely afraid of that last point more than most things - losing my desire for her as the result of continued rejection. I've seen it happen to several people on this board, and that is a particularly difficult situation to turn around, because it saps motivation. I'd rather the wakeup call be sounded before it gets there.

We in this group need to be very careful about needing to justify wanting to live as sexual beings like the rest of the world and should carefully tread around making long speeches about intimacy.



Intimacy? Like motherhood and apple pie, I am a big fan.



But so much has been bled away from us in our dead marriages and being sexual is such a taboo (X's 2 for women). Be as intimacy-focused as you like, but keep sex upfront in the mix.

I have tooled around with variations of these notions, sex and intimacy. Perhaps it is a product of going without for so long, but for me, right now, the core that runs through all my fantasies, including those with my own wife, is that it is about feeling desired. It's about feeling that I'm the right person there, that I'm the one who is wanted, or who has proven his worth in this arena. While intimacy is certainly an enhancer (or can be) and I do absolutely want that as well, with my wife, I set the bar lower when I'm considering other offers. Desire, is probably where it lands - note - it's not so much my desire, but the feeling from being DESIRED. And I'm going cheap right now, if someone makes an offer.

Our hopeless SM notwithstanding we are very intimate, if I understand anything about that word. We communicate well, often non-verbally, we share culture and interests, and we keep no secrets from each other. We honor and respect each other, more as colleagues than mates, but we do not find each other physically attractive, although there's nothing wrong with our bodies. We are not skilled in bed and we do not like to have sex with each other. So my answer is no --- I do miss sex more than I miss intimacy. Or more accurately, I used to miss sex. Now I am just sad my best years have passed by. I am sad for her too, but perhaps a little less than for myself.