Do You Miss Intimacy More Than Sex?A friend said something to me a few weeks ago that really got me thinking about intimacy.
He said that “sex is everywhere- if you truly wanted to just have sex- you could find it.”
At first I thought- nooooo…. because I DO want to have sex..every day!
Then I began to think about it rationally and discovered he was right. If I wanted one-time anonymous sex, there are plenty of ways to find that. A bit too risky for me and unfulfilling, but it would scratch the itch.
Then, I thought, if I wanted sex with someone I care about, know and trust – this is also very do-able. I could call any number of male friends who would be happy to accommodate me – today! No risk involved, mutual physical satisfaction and our friendship would still be solid.
So why have I not done this?
What is missing is the emotional intimacy, the desire to be closer, to know more, to share everything. Obviously for me sex isn’t just a physical act then. I want to be free to express myself fully and explore my partners desires, and for me this requires an intimate relationship.
I began reading about emotional intimacy and found some very interesting and telling articles that I sincerely wish I had read YEARS ago. Here are a few snippits:
Emotional intimacy involves talking about who you are, what you need, and expressing yourself honestly.
Creating emotional intimacy when you're in love takes time and effort, especially if you've been hurt in the past.
When you’re truly intimate with your partner you can talk about who you really are, say what you need and want, and be heard by him/her. Emotionally intimate relationships have a sense of mutuality, which means you’re as concerned with your partner’s satisfaction and happiness as with your own. You want to see your partner emotionally, intellectually, socially, physically and professionally fulfilled. Creating intimacy doesn't mean you'll make all that happen, of course, but your partner’s satisfaction is equally important to you.
Intimacy is the freedom to be yourself. Creating emotional intimacy is expressing yourself more and more in your relationship.
Emotionally intimate relationships are risky for several reasons (which is why some people are afraid of intimacy). When you're trying to create intimacy, you could be:
Faced with the fact that you're with the wrong person
OK. WOW! That last one on the list hit me like a ton of bricks.
So, since I have obviously chosen a spouse who is not capable of this type of intimate relationship- and it is clearly what I need- what now?
Now comes the hard work. I will share these articles with him and tell him that this is what I need in a relationship. I have known ours wasn’t a good marriage for awhile, and I think this will be the beginning of the end for him. I will continue my path of honesty and being genuine – I am learning each day and growing stronger in being able to express what I need and want. And just as importantly, I have a clearer understanding of what I want and how to get there from here. One baby step at a time...