She Said I Should Shop AroundWell, my life has gradually transitioned toward the inevitable separation. Today was a milestone. She told me she thinks I should go out and find someone. She has alluded to this before, but today, she was very direct about it, not hinting around. And she was sincere, not angry, not sarcastic.
I've posted my long stories in this forum, so I won't repeat the full history here. I have been dealing with this sexless marriage for over 15 years. We've been married 26 years. Shortly after our second child was born the sex became infrequent. It stopped pretty much completely 15 years ago. We tried for a few months during counseling, but that did not go well.
So here I am, after years of work, therapy, discussions, agony, soul searching, at the final, honest conclusion that there is no marriage here to save. We learned so much together about how to express our honest opinions, how to not hold back on how we feel just to avoid conflict, how to tell the other something unpleasant without blaming them or starting an argument. We got to where we could really communicate. I would strongly recommend to anybody fighting through a sexless marriage to get counseling to learn how to open up to each other with brutal honesty. You have to clear the air. It is a MUST. You may find that there are things at the root of your problem that you can address, and there is hope. Or you may find that the honest truth is there is nothing there to work on. Either way, you are better off. You cannot live in limbo forever, wondering if it will ever get better. Take action. Talk it out. Learn the TRUTH. Know where you stand so that you can plan a path forward. Don't waste your life in a dither of uncertainty.
I should be happy that I am now free. But I am not. Not at all. So much planning to do. So many people to tell, so many explanations to be given, especially to our adult kids. I dread this. It's like a death.
I worry that I am damaged goods. I have been through so much. My wife has no interest at all in ever having another relationship. For me, I know I will want to find someone else. But for now, I just need that affirmation. Hopefully I'll find myself in a good relationship someday that will just help me feel more confident.
But none of that apprehension changes the fact that my marriage is truly, completely dead. Damn.
deleted 26-30 16 Responses 2 Nov 13, 2011