I Need To Learn To Accept ThisMy husband and I have not had sex in over 6 years, and that was an awkward experience- prior to that one time it had been over a year. I don't know how to teach myself to accept this situation as it is, but I love my family and I have learned the hard way that finding relief outside my marriage is just not an option.
I've been married to my husband for 15 years, and we love each other very much - we are best friends and have a very good time together. For the first year of our marriage, we couldn't manage a single day without sex - even pulling off the side of the road to make love in the car because we couldn't wait the 15 or 20 minutes until we got home. This was a regular occurence - the sex we had then was most certainly the most intense and passionate I have ever had in my life, that is part of why this is so difficult I think.
When we had been married for about a year, I became pregnant with our son. Nothing changed until he was born - but once we had the baby the sex was just gone. After almost 2 years without having sex even once, I tried to talk to my husband about it - I was desperate. His response was that it couldn't be forced, and it wouldn't feel spontanious if we did it just because I asked if we could. I began to feel that this had to be due to the weight I had gained during and after my pregnancy - and I fell into a deep depression. I eventually went to the doctor, who diagnosed me with hypothyrodism (this was causing the weight gain), and prescribed medication to treat it - within 6 months I lost all of my pregnancy weight plus some - I looked better than I had since I was a teenager. I had hoped that this would help with our love life, but it did not. Over the following 5 years, we had sex only a handful of times, and I always felt that my husband was only trying to fulfull an obligation, but he wasn't really interested. This festered inside of me, and I began to feel very badly about myself - was I ugly, why didn't he want me anymore? Eventually, I found myself in a situation where another man was paying attention to me, and making me feel wanted... I had an affair. The guilt I felt was horrendous, and I couldn't live with it. At the time, I felt that I needed the sex more than I needed my husband, so I told him that I was seeing someone else, and we separated. This was by far the most horrible time of my life. I was miserable, I missed my husband - I didn't really like spending time with the other man unless we were in bed, so we had sex all of the time... at some point, a condom failed, and I got pregnant. I couldn't face raising a baby with this man I couldn't even talk to, so I left him and moved in with my parents. Throughout all of this, my husband and I were still in touch and on friendly terms, we love each other. After several months apart - before my baby was born, we decided that our seperation had been a big mistake, and we decided to make a go of it as a family again. My husband has been a wonderful father to my daughter and our son, and I have never felt that I made the wrong decision. I want to spend my life with him. We have been living together again for 7 years, and in that time have had sex only once. It does not seem to be something he wants or needs. I am at a total loss. When I have spoken to him about it, he always says - it will happen when it is right, when it comes naturally... I don't know what to do because it will never come naturally again. Is there some way to lower my sex drive? I do not think of it all of the time - but sometimes I feel that I am missing a large part of my life. I've always been a very sexual person - and at only 40 years old to have gone 7 years without sex, and to be facing the rest of my life in celibacy, is hard. I CANNOT cheat - but I am desperate! Thank you for letting me spill my guts here - this is an embarrasing subject for me, and I don't speak about it to anyone.