Sexless For Three Years Now

****, YEAH!!!

It is hard when you are dealing with depression. I asked H psychiatrist if he thought he would kill himself if I left. He told me he can not say that he won't for sure but it is not my problem. I need to do what is best for me. He says if he chooses to kill himself it is not your responsibility. Even his psychiatrist can see he is sucking the life out of me. Very hard to put yourself first and to quit trying to fix them. I still back pedal at times.

In a functioning marriage, YOU making choices based on what is good for the marriage is an excellent ploy. With your spouse operating from the same motivation, away you go and the sky is the limit.



In a dysfunctional marriage where your spouse makes their choices on pure self interest (to accomodate their assorted "whys" and maladies) there is in fact NO marriage.



So for YOU to continue to make choices based on what is good for the marriage is a strategy without foundation. YOU are the only person doing it.



Comes a time when YOU start making choices based on YOUR best interests. Sounds like you are on the cusp of starting to do this. It is a wise move.



Making YOUR choices based on what is in YOUR interests will start to shift the dynamic and you will start moving forward.



Maybe your spouse gets on board and joins you on the journey, and maybe they don't. That is entirely their choice - over which you have no control.



You control YOUR choices. And not one thing else.



Tread your own path.

you matter--so leave him. If he is not going to care for himself and work on his depression, LEAVE HIM.



you matter--you deserve to be happy and unless he makes some effort, it is not going to happen, so it is up to you to make the effort to find your own happiness.

Are you having a bit of a guilt trip about being 'selfish' about yourself for once? If you are a classical giver it wouldn't surprise me in the least. A bit of an alien process to you? A bit uncomfortable even as you are figuratively telling yourself that "I matter"?



Another way to look at it would be that if you cannot look after yourself then that affects your capability as a giver and it could even mean that you could become a liability to others. Now as a giver that would just not be acceptable, would it? You would become a de facto taker. So why not put yourself first just SOMETIMES? It makes you a better giver at other times. Hey, while we are at it, why don't we all become givers AND takers? That seems rationally insane to me, but, hey, what do I know?

Good thinking!! Yes, you do matter! And this realisation is important. Once we recognise that self sacrifice is not a great way of living, we need to find ways to fulfill our selves that are positive, healthy, rewarding and ethical.



It is important that during this journey you recognise that HE is important too. Not because you need to sacrifice yourself to him and his needs, but these needs are his and he has a right to them too. This helps you recognise that anger, aggression and "getting your own back" have no place in moving your own life forward.



Anger, frustration and feeling like you are going to explode are GREAT motivators to change your own life. But avoid the temptation to punish him while you are seeking your own path. If you treat him with respect and consideration, it will be much better for you (as well as him) in the long term.



Recognise the truth in the old saying:

"Living your own life well is the best revenge."