Not Loveless, Just SexlessI've been married to the same woman for 35 years and when it comes to sex it's always been a bit confusing for me. From the actual day we got married I should have known something was wrong as she didn't want sex that first night. It wasn't until the second night. Even then I had a feeling that something wasn't quite right; that maybe she was doing it because she felt it was her duty or something.
Well, I let that go, ignoring it. For the first 6 months we were seperated since I was in the military and she had college to finish. When she graduated she moved to where I was stationed and our life together started. The trouble is, she would only show interest in sex once a month. No matter what was going on, no matter what I did she would only say yes once a month.
For the 10 - 12 years I continued asking and she continued refusing. I don't know why exactlly, maybe it was revenge (although I don't really believe that), maybe it was just the idea of "How many times do you have to be told NO before you realize the answer is going to be NO?" So I stopped asking/trying. At least, no where near as often. Our sexlife reduced to once every three months or so. This continued for another couple of years, I really don't know how many. I guess I really started to lose interest in sex.
Here it is now, year 35, and until I actually thought about it I realized that we haven't had sex in over a year. She used the term "years" plural, but to be honest I don't really know how long it's been. Some of you might be asking "What about her? Hasn't she noticed? Doesn't she ask? Doesn't she initiate?" Well...Yes and no. She's noticed and she's made comments like "You haven't had a use for this hole for a while." This in relation to something that was said on the TV and a comment I made. Then there was another comment about it being "years". Other then that, no. In the entire time that we have been married she has initiated sex three times. All the rest of the time it's been me doing the initiating. To my way of thinking it's all about control. As long as the guy keeps asking, the girl has control over both of their sex lives. Granted, if he hasn't got a problem with rape or stepping out with someone else then she didn't stop him from having sex, just not legally.
I still believe that we love each other or maybe comfortable is another term; I'm not really sure which applies. It's not that we don't touch each other, we still hug and kiss. We still do a lot of things together: We got into the Renaissance fair thing and I started making costumes; got pretty good too. I made the costumes for the King and Queen and several weddings. Of course I make all her costumes and she loves them. We do archery together. Neither of us gets out any more. I haven't been to a bar in many years. She doesn't dringk by choice and I drink very little if for no other reason she doesn't like it when I have even one drink. We have mutual friends that we see infrequently but neither of us have exclusive friends. There is never a night out with the guys or the girls. In truth that seems to be a mutual choice but somehow I get the feeling that if I did have a guys night out once a week she'd get pissed about it.
Is she the jealous type? Yes. So my interaction with other women is usually from a distance and even then I think she gets jealouse. When we are at fair she is always on me about all the "goo goo eye's" that the young girls give me. I don't even notice it and given how young a lot of them are I wouldn 't have anything to do with them anyway, not unless I want to go to jail anyway. So yeah, most of the time our life is quite boring. But, as I said, I honestly believe we love each other. So why is our sex life non existant? Why does it seem that the only way we're going to have sex is if I do the initiating and then it had better be several times a week or I might miss the time of the month when she is actually interested? I'm not commpetative meaning I really don't give a damn who wins or who loses but I resent the idea that I'm being controlled so asking/begging for sex just to see if she will allow it to happen isn't my style.
I'm sure that many of you have heard the saying "No means NO!!" I'd be willing to bet that some of you have actually said that and used that. So what would happen if the first time you said No, was the LAST time you had to say no, because you were never asked again? Again, except for rape women do have control over their sex lives unless the man stops asking. Okay, let me amend that by saying that "many" women, not all. In most cases, men are the actors and women are the reactors. Boy's have to walk across the gym floor to ask a girl to dance running the risk that she will crush his ego by saying No. Men are the ones who ask the woman "Will you marry me?" If, on the rare occasions, the woman asks him it's "Can you marry me?" He's making a request, she's asking a question. This is not to say that there aren't some women out there who are very assertive and are always taking the lead but that dosen't mean this is the real norm and everything else is just a phoney stereo-type with no basis in truth. Sorry, the norm is: men act, women react.
Are the things women doing "game playing"? I suppose. "The answer is still No, but keep asking anyway..." Of course the problem with that is when she actually calls the cops and has the guy arrested. Now what do you suppose all the other guys are thinking? Not just about her, but about all the women in the place including the girl they brought there? How many guys need to get arrested for sexual harrassment before the other guys start to realize that they should stop asking because it could get you arressted and branded a sexual preditor that needs to register with the local police office every time they move to a new town. (No I'm not a sex offender). The only female sex offenders I have EVER heard of are the teachers who are hitting up the students, and then only the students who are under age. Never heard of that happening with college students.
Next month is going to be our 35th anniversary and I doubt anything is going to happen because I'm going to have a drink. Yes we'll go out to dinner, maybe a movie, if there's one we want to see. No place to go dancing, so that's out. Going to a bar, ANY bar is totally OUT of the question. So I guess we'll just end up back home, watch some TV and then go to bed. Yes we still sleep in the same bed but she will go to bed before me, every night, and will be asleep when I get there. Could I still wake her up and try? Yes. But what's the point? She might actually be interested, but how long would that last? What are my options? I suppose I could have an affair but then why not just get a divorce and get some friends with benifits? Atleast then I wouldn't have to worry about her finding out, it wouldn't make any difference. So what else can I do? I suppose I could just keep on doing what I'm doing. What should I do if she trys to initiate? Should I tell her I have a headache? Should I just tell her no, not interested. Should I acknowledge her attempt and agree? I honestly don't know.
Anyone out there have an idea?