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Not Loveless, Just Sexless

I've been married to the same woman for 35 years and when it comes to sex it's always been a bit confusing for me. From the actual day we got married I should have known something was wrong as she didn't want sex that first night. It wasn't until the second night. Even then I had a feeling that something wasn't quite right; that maybe she was doing it because she felt it was her duty or something.

Well, I let that go, ignoring it. For the first 6 months we were seperated since I was in the military and she had college to finish. When she graduated she moved to where I was stationed and our life together started. The trouble is, she would only show interest in sex once a month. No matter what was going on, no matter what I did she would only say yes once a month.

For the 10 - 12 years I continued asking and she continued refusing. I don't know why exactlly, maybe it was revenge (although I don't really believe that), maybe it was just the idea of "How many times do you have to be told NO before you realize the answer is going to be NO?" So I stopped asking/trying. At least, no where near as often. Our sexlife reduced to once every three months or so. This continued for another couple of years, I really don't know how many. I guess I really started to lose interest in sex.

Here it is now, year 35, and until I actually thought about it I realized that we haven't had sex in over a year. She used the term "years" plural, but to be honest I don't really know how long it's been. Some of you might be asking "What about her? Hasn't she noticed? Doesn't she ask? Doesn't she initiate?" Well...Yes and no. She's noticed and she's made comments like "You haven't had a use for this hole for a while." This in relation to something that was said on the TV and a comment I made. Then there was another comment about it being "years". Other then that, no. In the entire time that we have been married she has initiated sex three times. All the rest of the time it's been me doing the initiating. To my way of thinking it's all about control. As long as the guy keeps asking, the girl has control over both of their sex lives. Granted, if he hasn't got a problem with rape or stepping out with someone else then she didn't stop him from having sex, just not legally.

I still believe that we love each other or maybe comfortable is another term; I'm not really sure which applies. It's not that we don't touch each other, we still hug and kiss. We still do a lot of things together: We got into the Renaissance fair thing and I started making costumes; got pretty good too. I made the costumes for the King and Queen and several weddings. Of course I make all her costumes and she loves them. We do archery together. Neither of us gets out any more. I haven't been to a bar in many years. She doesn't dringk by choice and I drink very little if for no other reason she doesn't like it when I have even one drink. We have mutual friends that we see infrequently but neither of us have exclusive friends. There is never a night out with the guys or the girls. In truth that seems to be a mutual choice but somehow I get the feeling that if I did have a guys night out once a week she'd get pissed about it.

Is she the jealous type? Yes. So my interaction with other women is usually from a distance and even then I think she gets jealouse. When we are at fair she is always on me about all the "goo goo eye's" that the young girls give me. I don't even notice it and given how young a lot of them are I wouldn 't have anything to do with them anyway, not unless I want to go to jail anyway. So yeah, most of the time our life is quite boring. But, as I said, I honestly believe we love each other. So why is our sex life non existant? Why does it seem that the only way we're going to have sex is if I do the initiating and then it had better be several times a week or I might miss the time of the month when she is actually interested? I'm not commpetative meaning I really don't give a damn who wins or who loses but I resent the idea that I'm being controlled so asking/begging for sex just to see if she will allow it to happen isn't my style.

I'm sure that many of you have heard the saying "No means NO!!" I'd be willing to bet that some of you have actually said that and used that. So what would happen if the first time you said No, was the LAST time you had to say no, because you were never asked again? Again, except for rape women do have control over their sex lives unless the man stops asking. Okay, let me amend that by saying that "many" women, not all. In most cases, men are the actors and women are the reactors. Boy's have to walk across the gym floor to ask a girl to dance running the risk that she will crush his ego by saying No. Men are the ones who ask the woman "Will you marry me?" If, on the rare occasions, the woman asks him it's "Can you marry me?" He's making a request, she's asking a question. This is not to say that there aren't some women out there who are very assertive and are always taking the lead but that dosen't mean this is the real norm and everything else is just a phoney stereo-type with no basis in truth. Sorry, the norm is: men act, women react.

Are the things women doing "game playing"? I suppose. "The answer is still No, but keep asking anyway..." Of course the problem with that is when she actually calls the cops and has the guy arrested. Now what do you suppose all the other guys are thinking? Not just about her, but about all the women in the place including the girl they brought there? How many guys need to get arrested for sexual harrassment before the other guys start to realize that they should stop asking because it could get you arressted and branded a sexual preditor that needs to register with the local police office every time they move to a new town. (No I'm not a sex offender). The only female sex offenders I have EVER heard of are the teachers who are hitting up the students, and then only the students who are under age. Never heard of that happening with college students.

Next month is going to be our 35th anniversary and I doubt anything is going to happen because I'm going to have a drink. Yes we'll go out to dinner, maybe a movie, if there's one we want to see. No place to go dancing, so that's out. Going to a bar, ANY bar is totally OUT of the question. So I guess we'll just end up back home, watch some TV and then go to bed. Yes we still sleep in the same bed but she will go to bed before me, every night, and will be asleep when I get there. Could I still wake her up and try? Yes. But what's the point? She might actually be interested, but how long would that last? What are my options? I suppose I could have an affair but then why not just get a divorce and get some friends with benifits? Atleast then I wouldn't have to worry about her finding out, it wouldn't make any difference. So what else can I do? I suppose I could just keep on doing what I'm doing. What should I do if she trys to initiate? Should I tell her I have a headache? Should I just tell her no, not interested. Should I acknowledge her attempt and agree? I honestly don't know.

Anyone out there have an idea?
Kilroy69 Kilroy69 51-55 6 Responses Nov 29, 2011

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share this story with her.

I can tell from the story that you really love your wife. I do think everything will remain the same... People like to stay in their comfort zone. Making changes gain anxiety so most of us prefer to stay the same. That include not having a divorce. Sounds to me that you are willing to work on your marriage then why not go seek counselling?! Good luck! I hope you will have a renewed relationship with your wife in 2012!

Kilroy69 (Why that? I suspect there is a whole story behind that alone!)



It's not just the missing sex, the missing intimacy, the missing love, is it? It's the missing LIFE. The missing EXISTENCE.



You know how sometimes really irritating superficial people insist in indulging in these word association games? Well, in relation to your post the first word that sprung to my mind, very early on in reading it, was "anodyne". With a bit further reflection I would add "sterile", "arid", "grim", "pointless", "lifeless". If I were to resort to my Roget's Thesaurus I would be here all day and thoroughly depress both of us.



You married her and she sterilized your very existence down to the level of her own. Congratulations, here is your certificate to acknowledge your joining the ranks of the "non-u", unwilling participant that you clearly are. I really, really feel sorry for you. And I am angry on your behalf. You only pass this way once and for you it means, what?



By all means consider the advice of Baz and voetbalmum but I have a more immediate suggestion. Just go out and find yourself. NOW! Go out and be Kilroy rather than the husband of Mrs Kilroy. On your 35th just go out and get blind drunk (if you just fancy it, you can always regret it after). What's she going to do about it? Disapprove? That must be so passée to you by now. Ask you for a divorce? (Oh, please!). After you have got over the hangover, go out and buy yourself the worst looking, loudest, most tasteless Hawaiian shirt that you can find and wear it like a man on a mission. The more excruciating you can make it for her, the better. After you have shocked her sensibilities to the core and she has partly adjusted to it, step up the ante; go out and get one of your ears pierced. Start making a loud point of listening to current popular music (even if you don't actually like it). To the odd song say things like "Hey that's quite interesting, unusual." Take yourself off for the odd weekend with little or no explanation. ****, you're not consulting or involving her but why would you need to? Then maybe the ultimate message: get a PA piercing. She won't comment on it. She will look at it, but she won't say a word. However, IF she should, just retort "I thought I should find an alternative use for it".



Och, I know you couldn't do these things, want to do these things. I am just being provocative by way of trying to suggest: be yourself, first and foremost. Trying to be what you think someone else wants you to be is such a thankless and pointless task because you will never please them, they are never to be satisfied with anything. Enough is never enough.



I heartily apologise if in saying all of this I have tread on your or anybody else's sensitivities. It's just once in a while you hear or read a story and your natural inclination to bite your tongue is overwhelmed. This is one. Congratulations.

Love, love, love it :-)

HAHAHAhahahahaha... I really enjoyed that! No, I wouldn't do most of those things; sorta. I guess I should qualify that by saying I wouldn't do it for the reasons you listed. Sure, I'd wear a loud as hell hawiian shirt but not because I thought it would **** her off; actually it wouldn't. I don't really believe that doing something to make her angry is the answer. You are, however, correct that something probably needs to be done to "wake her up" Just don't know what.

You know, I absolutely agree with you about traditional roles - men ask, women decide and all that. Just for a moment, imagine what it's like to be a woman - we don't ask - who has to beg and plead, and still gets turned down? So just bear in mind, that not all women are the same!



I'd also totally agree with Baz - and yes, this could be a lot to take in at the moment - but just think about this. You're still pretty young and healthy. You have a lot of life ahead of you. Wouldn't you like to have something better than this? Don't think you're too old to start again or any of that rubbish - where do you want to be in a year? It could be great - be brave and it'll happen x

Oh, believe me I know that not all women are the same, I even mentioned that inmy post. I'm sure that there are women who feel that they are always begging/pleading. Keep in mind there is also the saying "Women are ready when they are ready, Men are always ready." Stereotypes would agree with this and stereotypes come from somewhere. What that kind of implies is that if a woman feels she isn't "getting enough" it's usually because she isn't saying yes. It doesn't apply in all cases naturally but now you'd have to get down to case-by-case basis. That's to deep for where we are right now.

I read a story of a couple that got married, and just thought they would live happily ever after.



I read two people that haven't really ever worked on their relationship, rather neglected it, and two people that took vows, but were otherwise passive about where life would take them. Shame on you for letting it go on this long, but no matter, you're here now.



Given that perspective, it could have been predicted that you two would end up like this, and now you realize, you actually want something richer. Good for you!



When you embark on this journey, YOUR life will indeed be richer, have more joy, and also more pain. Will your marriage stay together? It depends, it depends on a lot of things. But what is sure to happen, is you will wake up and be in charge of your life.



Keep coming back and reading. Somewhere in all these stories, you will find your next clue for what your next step is. Frankly, what Baz advised, is good place to start. Reestablish your baseline.

Here is a method to remove your confusion and get some certainty in your life.



1 - make the choice that as of now the absence of sexual expression for YOU in this co-habitation is going to come back under your control. Don't initiate any such overtures from NOW. And, in the unlikely event she offers up something, don't.



There is your first bit of certainty. You run it. You control it. You own it.



2 - in the time it took you to think your post here through, type it up, review it, then post it, you could have looked up the number of a divorce lawyer and made an appointment. Do that next. From this visit and consultation you will discover how a divorce would shake out in your jurisdiction. You will have a handle on the road blocks inherent in such a plan and figure out ways around them. In a short period you will have an exit strategy, in do-able shape.



There is your 2nd bit of certainty. That no matter where the marriage might go, you will be okay.





Now, with that base of certainty under your feet, you can call her to the table to negotiate. What you are going to negotiate only YOU know.

Might be an ultimatum. "Put out or get out"

Might be something a bit more consultative like "I want us to see a marriage counsellor"

Might be "I am going to screw around if you don't come to the party"

Might be "I want a divorce, now"



It will be whatever you choose it to be.



By removing her power over you (#1 above) and by having an alternative to continued misery (#2 above) you have redressed the power imbalance in the marriage. Now, you are both on level footing, and you can negotiate from a position of equity.



I know this is going waaaay beyond your comfort level, and your original query about how to (if to) respond should she offer you a root. I figure that if you are going to put a bit of thought into your position, then maybe go the full distance to resolvement.



Tread your own path.

Taking control is kinda what I've done. But again, I'm not all about winning and losing. By taking control and being able to say, "I win!" could also mean, I just lost. Divorce is NOT the answer and certainly not the way to win. I have taken a certain amount of control by no longer initiating, and to a certain extent it has netted some results. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has an idea of what I can expect next.