Passionless Marriage Is Just As Bad As A Sexless Marriage

My marriage is passionless and emotionless, which to me is just as bad as sexless. Because of my affair, my husband does not initiate sex--we have had sex many times when I wasn't in the mood because I'm never in the mood, and I feel that is my problem, so I agree to sex. He acknowledges the lack of passion, but is happy to be "getting it" twice a week.
My husband is a gorgeous, chiseled man for his 53 years. He can't get over the fact that I had an affair with someone who is not. My husband likes having a "hot" wife on his arm to show off, that's his selfish side.
People say they can't read my husband. He shows no emotion and he acknowledges that. So what people see is what I get at home. When we married I was fine with that because I was still numb from the death of my previous husband seven months earlier. Yes, we should've waited. I accepted the lack of passion because I wanted safety. He accepted me in my broken state thinking I would be better in time. Well in time, I came to realize my mistake.
So we have agreed to stay together and pay down OUR debt. We are both professionals and can do this in a year. We don't rely on each other for money.
 We are great roommates. We work out together and go out together, but we do not have and have never had those nights where we stare into each others eyes and have in depth conversations, except for the conversations about my affair. He was divorced for 19 years before we married. He says he won't marry again. I don't care to either, but I want passion and emotion.
amyw27 amyw27
41-45, F
4 Responses Dec 8, 2011

he is 53 .. is he still capable ?<br />
or its just a satisfactory act !

he is very capable and I am a selfish fool

Appears you have a rough exit strategy of sorts (if I am reading this right) of paying off the debt then baling out.<br />
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I've seen worse plans. And, if you have a plan, and aspects of it are not working then said plan can be tweaked, adjusted according to need, and transformed into do-able status.<br />
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See, this situation drove you into colouring outside the marital lines, and from what you have written, this situation is going to remain "the" situation still. It would seem highly likely that you will do what you did last time again.<br />
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A safety net would go some way toward mitigating the consequences of such a choice.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Hey Bazz, good to hear from you again. No, I won't do it again, and If I see myself going in that direction, then I will leave. I will tell him and he will tell me to leave. And so whenever I have a memory or am on the verge of tears, I log on and spew the words out in five minutes or less. Maybe I should refrain from doing this--it makes me look weak. But since day one of the end of this affair, I have been at work and at school and at work on my marriage. The only two positive that have come out as a result of my horrid actions is that my husband and I are communicating and my writer's block has dissipated. Thanks for your comments. I like the positive to be balanced with the negative.

Amy, how much do you two actually talk? <br />
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It sounds as if that's the one thing you don't do at all. If so, that's the place to begin. Maybe try to get him talking about what he wants - you've gotten past the affair and he's still in shock you didn't play with a hunk, so maybe start with that. You can tell him you were lonely - I'm assuming because there's no communication at home - and let him think about why you would be lonely when you have him to worship. (OK, I'm a rancid cynic. But he sounds like he's just not used to thinking about others). Try to get the idea across that substance matters, and you'd like to look for some with him.

No, we dont' talk. He did admit that even though he showed no reaction to the affair, I hurt him. He said just because he holds everything in doesn't mean I didn't hurt him, but I knew that. Yes, lets see if we can talk, because early on in the marriage all we talked about was the death of my husband and all the horrible things surrounding it.

This sounds more and more important. Think about this and how it affects him. You mentioned that early on your conversations were dominated by the death of your deceased husband and, I expect, how that affected you. Has there been any time when your conversations focus exclusively on your present husband? Not on his looks or his buff condition, but on his heart, his fears, his hopes? Really focused there instead of perhaps on how those things might be affecting you? You can see where I'm going with this. Try to explore his world just because it's his world. You may find it becomes an amazing journey.

Many men haven't been given permission to do this kind of exploring of themselves (that is not to say all men). Many women naturally or socially are programmed to be better at this. Sometimes people do need to be shown how to get there. If that is something that comes to you naturally it may be hard to figure out how to show him. It sounds like he genuinely does not know how to do it. I do not think he is faking or playing dumb. Maybe it would help?

I agree that he genuinely does not know how to do it. And no, Genteel, we have not discussed his heart, fears or hopes, other than he hopes to live in the mountains some day.

1 More Response

Great comment fromTYFCM above. This relationship sounds like its fixable, if one is willing to open up more emotionally and the other willing to express what she needs from him. If he took you in when you were broken, and still wants you after you cheated, that speaks volumns about his love for you. There are emotions inside him, they just need to be brought to the surface.