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Seven Years In A Sexless Marriage And Starvation

I have been married for 21 years, the last 7 of which have been sexless. My husband's lack of interest coincided with a job loss and aging. At first when my husband explained to me that sex was immature, I felt ashamed of my feelings even dirty for wanting to be with a man. I know that my husband loves me; maybe this is all in my head, afterall, woman aren't supposed to feel this way.

 

On more than a couple of occasions, I overcame my shame to ask him to go to the doctor. He went and came back with a diagnosis of low testosterone, once in a while he even filled a prescription for those magic bills but, there was never an sustained effort on this part. When I went to my gynecologist to explain my urges, she told me that she had something that would make me stop wanting to have sex. But, I kept feeling like, isn't this supposed to be a wonderful thing – a perfectly normal and healthy need? Besides which, I think this is not something that is purely physical, I have dreams of being held. Of course, I always wake up crying.

 

On top of everything else, I have felt undesirable for the better part of a decade. Now, here's my bad. I feel so unattractive that I 've started returning mens' glances. I started looking for an affair. I think it's time to accept it and stop resenting my husband for what he can not change. (I have a little boy and I just don't believe that divorce is not going to hurt him)

 

But this has its difficulties too. It just can't be a roll in the hay with anyone. Ironically, it was about the sex but, it wasn't. It was about the intimacy.

 

I have been comforted by other people's stories. I just found this site; until today, I felt completely isolated and ashamed. I have gone alone to see a psychologist. I've prayed and cried about it endlessly to no avail. Strangely, the only time that I feel normal is when I am hungry because this is a form of starvation.

amithecrazyone amithecrazyone 46-50, F 23 Responses Dec 16, 2011

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Well I just love showing naked pictures of myself to women in a sexless marriage on my yahoo messager.Why not take a peek michaelperdue436@yahoo.com

CREEP ALERT!

My wife came up with the same BS. I am not interested anymore therefore you shouldn't be either.....This is a load of crap and they both know it…it is just a way of controlling us and trying to keep us from acting on our desires with someone else. It took me a couple of years to figure this out and now I give in to my natural urges once in a while with someone other than her…

Well, if she still loves you than I am sorry for her. She may wake up to find that you really don't think of her as your wife any longer. She might be your room mate and financial partner. But, if that's the case, I would choose my accountant as my roomie; he's really tidy and is good with a nickel. Sexy, not so much....It's interesting how men can compartmentalize so that one woman becomes a sex object and the other a wife. it's just hard

I remember feeling like I was on the constant prowl a few years ago. Every man that came along I was thinking " I wonder if he will have sex with me" "I wonder if he would want me"

The longing, the wondering. I always wonder how women and men have affairs and say "it just happened" because I WAS LOOKING AND COULDNT MAKE IT HAPPEN! While I am not "model material" I dont think I am an unattractive person. My h and I have talked about it and he says all he can imagine is God protected me from MYSELF!
LOL....I dont know...but there is no shame in wanting to be desired. We were created for intimacy. When denied that our minds, and bodies can go wild.

The Dr who suggested meds for YOU!!! Someone needs to take her license!

I think it "just happens" to people who have the opportunity. Probably your Doctor, Lawyer or Preacher is going to be very careful before they reveal that they are in an unhappy non marriage. In all fairness, I should have explained that when I told my gynecologist that I was considering having an affair, she just shrugged and said "Well if your husband is not going to Step Up......" I was so appreciative of the fact that she was talking some common sense about marriage--i.e.- sexual intimacy has something to do with the marital contract. Lynn, Is God protecting you from Yourself? From your sexuality? Assuming that no one would ever be the wiser and you found yourself with a beautiful man, what would you do?

Many years ago..many many ...like 25+ I had the opportunity to have 2 affairs. I turned both down. One because I was young and very fearful and the second because he was my bestfriends husband and I loved her more than him. lol

If you had asked me this question before November I would have said I WOULD DO IT... I know its wrong, I know God doesnt approve, but God doesnt approve of my anger and resentment towards my husband or my husband rejection of me and God loves and forgives us in that sin so He would forgive me an affair.

NOW...with the turn around I WOULD NEVER....but it was on the table before we got this SM turned around.

I am happy to hear that you are making progress. I have known that meaningful change was not going to happen in my marriage for some time now. Literally and figuratively, my husband will stay where he is and I will slowly create a life that has to do with what I need. Since my problem will not magically resolve itself, I needed to assess my situation honestly - As always many thanks for member's support in this regard.

I can totally relate to your story. It is like reading my own. I have recently realized that after 23 years of marriage I want a divorce. In the past year we has sex 1 time and it wasn't really any fun. I felt like it was me. But I realize that I deserve better. He hasn't even kissed me in over 15 years! He says it isn't me, he just doesn't like to kiss, or snuggle, or hug.

At this point, if he tried to hug me or kiss me I'm sure I would turn away. It has been just so long with so much anger that I really don't want him to touch me.

This is why I've been thinking about divorce for the last 18 months. It is scary after 23 years. But I think I deserve better. And so do you.

Divorce is scary but I think it might be my only hope at this point.

Don't feel ashamed or bad for how you feel. Your feelings are very valid. Just hang in there. I've been meditating on my situation a lot and know that I need to end it. But it is scary. I worry about being 49 years old and alone. What if I don't ever meet anyone. It's scary, but I'll never know unless I make a decision.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

Dear amithecrazyone - No. Sex is not immature. Think about it very deeply. Don't think much of your gynie.We give our dog pills to stop them getting horny at certain times of the year. Certainly it is a perfectly normal and healthy need. Stop crying. Best wishes, W

Even though i consider myself a coldfish, but then again, a marriage like yours is painful to hear."Sex is immature"? *facepalm*.

I`ve been without for 5 years and I would be satisfied with just a simple affair like holding hands, gentle kisses, snuggling and just feeling a warm soft female next to me would work. If it went further that would be up to us but just having a nice lady next to me would be wonderful.

Hi Amithecrazyone, I am sorry I only just now saw your story. I married a man 13 years my senior and yes, I think this is something that many men, possibly the majority, must deal with...the loss of libido. I had a few affairs to compensate and do not regret any of them. They are inefficient for sure, but they help you not be so 'bothered' about the marital situation.

So what are you going to do, it is time to take over YOUR LIFE.

"...she told me that she had something that would make me stop wanting to have sex." <--I'm thinkin' this woman needs her license revoked.

I thing people got to the dr for medicine that make them wanting sex, but for stop sexual drive, not I would never go to the dr for that, I find some one who want me, buy a vibrator, mastur*** I do whatever except feel guilty or ashamed or cut my sexual nature or I'm suppose to be sex addict cause I want sex with my husband I thing you husband just don't care cause even if he is unable to have an erection for whatever reason there a lot that you can do it with you hand, mount and tongue if you really care for you partner. There only on thing that you can do, move on..... But in the mid time by a bunny rabbit with five speed sister

Hi Telly: I have had a long, long time to think about this. Things are getting clearer for me. For me, the experience has to involve love, affection and a man. Not that I object to any of your ideas to deal with frustration in anyway one needs to

I totally relay to your point of view, cause I know that what you looking for is not just sex and there more involve that just a relief, as woman I know that what you need is closeness, connection, cherished and care that kind if emotions is what every woman is looking on the sex field it's no even about fisical pleasure, but the indolent attitude from you husband toward you, to the point that you have to go to see a pseudo doctor to cut you natural sexual drive is the cream of the crap for me That really upset me,There nothing wrong with you, you are a young and healthy woman with no reason to be ashame don't go wrong in that . I hope the best for you

Sex is an act. How one behaves in regard to the sex act determines maturity. Your husband (although aging) is the one who is shockingly immature. He cannot admit that he has a medical condition that prevents him from performing. So he turns it all on you and makes you feel miserable. Real maturity there. You have done all you can, he knows the way out testosterone replacement. But he doesn't want to do it. Go find a nice man and have an affair.

I really appreciate a man's clarity in telling me to get on with it and have an affair. (I am guessing that you are thinking something like " Wake up and smell the coffee Lady")
I wrote this six months ago, after a lot of torment. As you probably have already guessed nothing has changed. Accepting the reality that I have to change, make plans because he can not (or will not) change is a slow process for me. Also, some part of this seems to be insurmountable because of the age difference. He has become grandpa. Over the past 5 years, he has slowed; he is content to watch his son, tend to the garden and alike. And then there is me, always thinking what needs to be accomplished, what bill needs to be paid. Rejecting the idea of joining AARP for another 25 years or so. As for finding a man, who I wanted to be with and could understand my messy situation - this is going to take time and some serendipity.

I apologize for being direct. An affair is easier said the done. In some ways maybe my own post was directed towards me. I should take my own advice.

Do not change in any fashion. You've already tried to adapt to a sexless marriage. The only thing that should change is opening all your options. Think of every interaction with an attractive gent as an opportunity. Serendipity works best when you make a little of your own luck.

Go find a nice man and see what happens, you are #1 now so you need to take care of yourself first.

I know, it's obvious. I just keep thinking that when I flip another house, get that child out of college then I can go off into the sunset. Even though I am pissed, some how, he must know that it's been unfair.

I'm sorry you are the only sane person in his crazy world. And the doctor offering to help repress your sex drive? That's no good. I don't understand how a doctor could offer something like that as I would assume the long term effect would be emotionally harmful. It never fails to amaze me that wonderful, caring people are shamed into staying with withholding partners who just do not care about their suffering. I am truly sorry. :( Coming from someone who had divorced parents, I was happier after my parents seperated. I'm sure seeing you in pain hurts your son too.

Isn't life incredibly complicated? The guy loves me, he just can't be a husband that way anymore

Hi, amithecrazyone, I found this story after reading your latest one. I just want to disagree that your husband "just can't be a husband that way anymore." He has a tongue and fingers, right? He is able to hold a vibrator also? If he is not interested in showing you care and intimacy in bed, that is his CHOICE. If he isn't taking his pills or seeking counseling, that is his choice, too. He is actively choosing to neglect you and put you down for wanting an essential part of a healthy marriage. Don't let him do it any longer!

He doesn't even like lingerie. It's not just me, he told me he is not interested and it's immature. Kind of a gross thing, horney guys think about. I know your thinking "Oh, come on!"

If your marriage has been sexless for the last 7 years and your husband is 20 years older than you then he must have been exhibiting immature behaviour himself for 13 years longer than you have already. If the roles had been reversed and you had been 20 years older than him and had lost your libido at the age when he lost his then he would have lead a celibate and frustrating life himself for the last 7 years years and counting. Crazy maths but you get the gist!<br />
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I must admit this is a completely new excuse for refusing sex. It is of course completely understandable, but also grossly unfair and unreasonable, that your husband would rather blame you than accept the blame himself because it helps him to retain his dignity and self respect.<br />
Obviously he would rather you close down your sexuality entirely so that he does not have to be bothered by unnecessary and unwilling intimacy on his part. <br />
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Clearly it is a waste of your physical and emotional needs if you renounce your sexuality so that your husband has everything all his own way. Your misery is balanced by his happiness and vice verse. The arrangement at present is just one sided and cannot bring out the best in both of you. It would seem that your husband is dominating you to believe that you should be blamed for wanting intimacy. I think that to even consider trying to reduce your libido is a crime against humanity. How could any doctor have even considered that this was a good and reasonable option?<br />
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You may well have 20 or 30 years of passion burning inside you. It seems a sad loss to let it go to waste instead of it being used to enrich the life of another intimacy deprived human being. I think that sex is the most emotionally, physically, MATURE and civilised act we can involve ourselves in as human beings. It is what makes us feel alive, whole and at one with the world. Indeed sex is what life is all about for without it we would not even exist.

I recommend you read my story called "Outsourcing Your Needs". To find it click on my User Name. In the left hand menu, about 1/3 way down the page you will see a heading . Click on that. Then scroll through my stories till you find the one above.<br />
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(You can do this to find anyone's stories - just follow this technique by clicking on their User name.)<br />
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Outsourcing works for a few people but is mnore likely (in most cases) to result in you being LESS satisfied with your marriage, rather than finding a way to stay in your marriage and have your needs met.<br />
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In case you think I'm trying to tell you what NOT to do (!!), I'm actually just warning you about why this aspproach did not work for me. But at the end of the day, you must do what you think is right for you . . . .

You are helping me to sort through feelings.and these are dangerous waters that's for sure!!Thanks for directing me to this story. So, I think that one of the problems suggested here is that if you had this great sex, then you would know what you were missing. So better not to find out or be reminded of what great sex is! My problem is that I was with a man (5 years) who wouldn't leave me alone before my husband. and I haven't forgot what it feels like to be with a man who wants you. But when I met my husband (21 years ago), he had a sex drive and I felt like "I know what love is!" So, I ran off with him... with the other one reminding me that someday you are going to miss me. Guess what, he was right! I saw him 10 years ago and we wanted to be together but, I couldn't betray him again--especially since I would not have left my husband for him.

The time will come when you will have to lay this stuff out on the table with your husband and force the issue. Sometimes the blunt truth turns out to be the easiest thing to say. Consider shocking him with truth:<br />
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" I need sex and intimate touch. I am no longer going to live a celibate life. I really, really want you to be involved in that. But if you choose not to, understand that I am going to live a real life anyway. With or without your involvement."<br />
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" If you can't bear to have a healthy sexual relationship with your own wife, then you have no reason to be upset if I find that elsewhere. I am going to expect your full support and cooperation and I will not hide it from you. I expect that I may bring a friend home because this IS MY home and that is MY bed. YOU will cooperate and honor my needs one way or another. Do we understand each other?"<br />
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Sometimes blunt force is the only way to get something through a guy's thick skull.

"Ironically, it was about the sex but, it wasn't. It was about the intimacy. "<br />
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Absolutely true!!<br />
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And it is the loss of intimacy, of loving touch, of the glance across the room that says everything, the hand on your shoulder as your spouse walks past you in the kitchen, and the unconscious move to snuggle up to you for warmth and comfort at three in the morning when your spouse is still asleep - these are the kinds of things that feed our souls in a marriage. Without them we starve. The sex is critical, of course, but if it were only sex, we'd have lots of options and friends with benefits would be more common. It's not about the sex. Its about the opening and giving of self that is represented by sex. So all of what makes the difference between a quick fck behind the garage and an evening of becoming lost in making love with your soulmate - all of those reasons for living are out on the table. <br />
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Stick around and read, read, and read some more. Not all stories here end up in divorce, but sooner or later almost all of them end up in a true and honest resolution of the real problem. Welcome!

I was reading another post of yours to blubunnie about not being able to take the rejection anymore. This comment really resonated with me. I wondered whether my own complete total lack of desire for him came after years of his dismissive attitude about my desire to have sex. Or maybe this just happens when your partner decides to morph into an asexual being. Thanks for saying its not about the quick fck behind the garage except that this would have been nice to if it came from your husband.
Now, I hope you get a good chuckle at exactly how pathetic I am.
This past year, I decided that I didn't want to live this way any longer. My H was in a different state and I was alone for the better part of the year. I realized that there was a man in my midst, who I really knew and adored. He was very masculine, smart, and honest to God, married to a nun! He also told me on a couple of occasions that he just liked looking at me..so I thought that was kind of an obvious cue. Beyond which he told me that he could anything for me. Perfect, right? So, I simply announced to him that " Someday, you going to think I should have kissed that woman" He gave me a BIRD kiss! A couple of days passed and then he explained, I just don't need much. BTW, he is my husband's age and I can only conclud that what he is really saying is that he has no libido. Anyway, I thought I would share that especially humiliating moment with you. I think there are some people who really "divorce" themselves from this aspect of their lives.

Did you belt him one? Actually steeling yourself and going for him.... and to get THAT as a YES... You must have been ready to kill the guy.
You're not pathetic - you're human and have a pulse. Don't forget that!

No, I am laughing at myself! I also thinking "OMG, I am twenty years younger than this man, I have known (and trusted him) for 5 years and he is well aware that my husband is out to lunch but, he'll do anything for me but, BOFF me?

Welcome, and I am sorry you ended up here with us. First and formost do not feel undesireable, this is a problim with you hubby not you. Do not feel ashamed of wanting a basic human need, and finally do not feel immature for wanting to make love to someone who promised to love honor and cherish you. Dealing with this situation is not easy and your frustration level is high.<br />
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I know you say that divorce is not an option, but your having an affair could hurt your family just as much as divorce, as long as you understand that going in. I certainly do not blame you for your feeling of wanting that connection with another individual the love, caring, touch, kissing, etc. that goes along with the sex. My point is be careful. <br />
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Continue to read the stories, some will be hard others will be eerily simliar, just know we are here for you.<br />
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Good luck.

Somehow, I think my husband knows that its not been fair to me. I suspect he is going to choose to look the other way partly because he is 20 years older than I. I guess this sounds great relative to some situations but it's never great when it's this way.

No, you are not the crazy one. We all understand the mental anguish you are suffering. We suffer it too.

We know your pain.<br />
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At the end of the day, we're all just a lot of schmucks that want to be loved and cherished for who we are.<br />
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The good, the bad and the ugly.<br />
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There is freedom here for all of us. But before we get to the freedom, we make choices, we accept consequences. It isn't easy, but it is beautiful, and so worthwhile.

You can accept him without any expectation, and that is often a step on the road to get the clarity you need to make good choices. He is already making his choices by not taking the T-pills.<br />
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What that does not mean though is necessarily putting what you want on hold. You have sufficient esteem to kick back at the notion that you would want to stop your sexual urges. Dunno about you, I'd rather start sawing off limbs. I got to see the pain from the frustration as a "little" reminder that I HAD to take action.

Did you get yourself out of the forced celibacy club or something?

Yes. If you'd like to read my story - people do get themselves out, whether through leaving, reinventing or affairs.

How did you resolve it?

Welcome to ILIASM. No, you're not the crazy one. There is nothing abnormal about your feelings. You are almost exactly where I was a few years back. In fact, if you stay married another 5 years, our timelines will be identical, except my ex didn't even bother to go to a doctor. As Baz said, stick around and read here, including the comments.

Thanks for your comment. You are correct to wonder whether a marriage could last without intimacy. My husband is 20 years older than I. I want to be able to accept him without any expectation

Your husband is lucky to have such an understanding partner. Hmmm, but does your husband understand, accept, and care about YOUR needs? Which by the way, are perfectly normal and not "immature"? You don't need to answer that. Your H needs to answer that.

I must be slow because it took me a long time to figure out that wanting to have a sexual relationship with my husband was not immature. He doesn't notice how I am dressed and thinks I shouldn't wear high heels for podiatric reasons. It's really like grampa time. Except that he lost his mojo in his fifties when he hit some bumps in his career. I haven't read your story yet, can I find it? Thanks for the support!

Welcome to the world of harsh truth and brutal choices.<br />
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You are among friends.<br />
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I won't burden you with advice, just suggest you keep reading here, and you'll get the picture quite quickly in regard to those "harsh truths and brutal choices" I refer to above.<br />
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That, and the fact that choice is the only thing that will move you through this - and, you DO have to go through it, as there is no way around it.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I know that I have to go through it and I appreciate your honesty