I Am A Man And I Live In A Sexless Marriage

Hi, i need to butt in because i have similar problem with your wife.The first 4 years of our marriage was just like heaven.We adored each other and we had sex everyday , we loved it.But when we moved to California from midwest, that's when i started holding off sex.My husband felt i was rationing sex, sometimes we had 2-3 x a month compared to everyday few years back.I was always angry, i nitpicked his faults and i was so disgusted just looking at him.But no mistake about it, I still love my husband but the intensity is no longer there, no more sparks, no more butterflies.I always pray I go back to when we just dating, we were always so happy, now it's soooo boring after 2 kids.My feeling is still the same when we moved to NJ .It seems there was a lull in my love for him.But I cared for him not crazy for him though.

After 5 years in NJ, we decided to go back to midwest to raise our kids.I let him stay with his sister while he was looking for a job.One day he decided to go to Iowa to meet with our friend May, my best friend and godmother of my son.At that time she was divorced and looking for a husband and my husband was her first victim.She seduced him while he was in the couch sleeping.They kissed and he touched her breasts but they never had intercourse.For him it didn't matter because he never had any feelings for her, it was just lust.Since then she was always calling him and they always flirt.She loves attention and my husband loves it too because that's what lacking in our relationship.It all started in 1999 and I never realized they dragged that secret till Oct. 2011.I asked my husband's password for his facebook account because I want to play a game.He gave it to me and I was browsing all messages and I saw their conversations.She started sending messages in March 2011 asking how he is doing.My husband said he is doing fine and he thanked her for remembering him.Then next conversation was in MAy, just friendly but in July they started flirting and talking sexy like reminiscing when they were at the hotel and she was wearing a crazy type of dress and crazy panties.I don't have to know what happened in details but reading those what else goes in readers mind?

I was shaking and crying and felt betrayed.At that time, I hated my husband and decided i'm going to file divorce.I called my friend May and confronted her but she said nothing happened between them.They were all jokes and just talk.Same explanation coming from my husband , he argued they never did it because when he was about to **** her, she told him ,"why are you doing this? Don't you love your wife?" My husband said, "let's just **** , just get it over with"But my friend just went to sleep.So they slept without having intercourse but they did kiss.She is a big flirt, if my husband doesn't give her any attention that's when she starts playing with his mind.

After I knew about this, i talked to my husband and told him I'm getting a divorce.My husband begged me to stay, he begged for forgiveness and give him another chance.He will never do it again.He was sobbing and puking at the same time.I could see his genuine repentance and he even asked me to read the messages again because it points out he wasn't really interested but May was the instigator and my husband is just human to react what's being offered.He promised he will never, ever do that again because the shame and guilt is nothing compared to the feeling of hurting your only love.It pained him to see me cry.we both cried everyday and he was very supportive of all my emotions from being loving to angry wife.He answers questions to the best of his ability.He never promised for honesty but he wants transparency.He tells me everything now, we finally communicate .This was the lacking factor in our rea;atonship before.He never told me he was hurting for so many years, I was so confident whatever I do to him, he will alwysa forgive me.Having this relationship with my bff, opened my eyes, made us very close to each other.Our devotion for each other is very strong, I am always excited tohear his voice , The butterflies in my stomach came back.our sex life is even better than we were just dating.Right now , we are in a courting relationship, we always use Yahoo messenger everytime we are free.We are worse than teenagers, before we never call names for each other, now we decided to call each other "honey"our relationship is so corny but we love it.we always do PDA whenever we go to malls, but before you will never see us holding hands.I think what trigger my "come back love" was the affair he had with another woman.I never had felt any jealousy in our relationship because I was very comfortable with my status as most beloved wife.I think if you try to get her jealous maybe it will work with your wife, it worked with me and I've never been so happy in my life.

Good luck to you! Before doing some drastic move,always give your marriage a chance.There is no perfect marriage, there is high and low but you need to work hard on it.

I see as the comments and replies accumulate that you are taking the "staying for the kids" line of thought.



It is worth considering that the best possible environment for kids is with two engaged parents who love each other, and demonstrate this state of affairs.



Given that you two are NOT providing this sort of environment, then you need to minimise the harm to the kids.

One way of so doing is to stay together no matter how bad it gets, and just hope that exposing this unhealthy example to your kids does not **** them up too badly later on in their lives.

Another way is to part, and then show the kids two healthy well adjusted parents (who no longer live together) both engaged as co-parents, and demonstrating that in life hard choices have to be made at times.



Choice.



It's a *****, but you don't get a pass. No-one does.



Tread your own path.

The way I see it, your marriage is broken because both of you, more so your wife, are not able to handle conflict in a constructive way. What you fight about does not matter, what matters is how you fight.



Your wife is most likely very hurt and angry with all the hurtful things you have said to her during the arguments and is using sex as a way to hurt you back.



So the best thing for you to do is to say you're sorry for hurting her (validate her feelings even if you feel you're right and she's wrong) and asked her where you have gone wrong.



Best of luck.

Well done for being proactive and speaking out (even if that fwit relative didn't have anything useful to say). You have no control whether your W is willing to meet you even 1/4 way on this journey.



Which means you need an exit plan or a "Batna" (best alternative to no agreement). So you could do with clarity on your criteria of what you want, and a timescale. I fear the affair/outsourcing route is only a diversionary palliative for the main issue - and may also raise a whole set of additional problems.

So you got her to go to counseling and it is going nowhere. You say you take your vows seriously, but she doesn't seem to since she is refusing what someone vows to share with their spouse. Maybe you'll feel differently about divorce when your children are grown.

As for having an affair--I highly recommend you DON"T--I hurt my husband, I'm hurting, and so are many others as a result of my selfish actions. It's more painful than what you are going through now---don't add to your pain. Good luck to you.

It took courage for you to talk to a relative, I think. I never talked to anyone about my situation: so laden with "You must not be a man, just a mouse" kind of baggage. You've done all the right things: speaking clearly to your wife, going to counseling, keeping your values. That's what kills me--the values issues. The reason I didn't do anything when things still could be fixed was that I took my vows seriously, and made rash promises and kept them. This is the crucible, where we are refined and hardened both.



You had a good sexual component for some time. While we were still dating, we had one night of particularly hot & heavy making out, and I was going for more when she said no. I thought she was just being virtuous -- waiting til we were married. She must have known she couldn't have sex then. Did I get sold a bill of goods? Another values change for me. I'm starting to put more stock in those who say you should know each other sexually before marriage.



Where are you on your "What to do next" journey? Stay well.

Just make it work is something someone who doesn't care says, I doubt you will see that here. With the abrupt decline it indicates something causing her to not to want to have sex with you. If you want to fix it counseling is a good choice, and this can be preceeded by The Talk, but realize for you to have any chance at all to fix this she must be a willing participant. If not you have 3 options.



Live with it

Outsource

Divorce.



Good luck.

Why would the worst bit of this be asking some clueless relative about the problem ?



The fact that all they could offer was "just make it work". Like they'd advise an anorexic to "just eat" ?

People, relatives included, will trot out a response to a question usually, even if they have no clue, and such responses are inevitably pretty unhelpful.



Or, is your concern the fact that this situation is now 'out there' and a lot of people will by now know about it ?



That is actually a good thing. Particularly if you start getting a bit of feed back about it. It might motivate you to start taking some pro-active choice(s) to bring this dysfunctional marriage to a head, to blow it up and either re-construct something new, or move on.



Tread your own path.

Gosh, don't know if I will call this normal or abnormal. My observation, and personal experience is that when the sex stops in a rather abrupt fashion, contrasted by a slow dwindling, is that something broke in your relationship. Undoubtedly in the trying to conceive environment.



In order to get your relationship back on track, you both need to go back to where it broke in a real, authentic, ruthlessly honest way and re-do it as it were. Reading your story, I wouldn't doubt your wife felt inadequate, that actually she is to blame for the initial lack of conception, add her reluctance to counseling, I read defensive and covering all that up... as I read it as internet passer by.



If you two are able to do this, is unknown, but if you can't fix that bit, you are doomed to repeat the cycle you are in.



As a side note, you need a different counselor. 9 months and still like this? You are wasting your money. You need someone who can do deep emotional work and get both of you emotionally vulnerable to sort this.



Even though you have had years of arguments, there is a good chance, that it is really one major thing where it broke, the trust, the intimacy, the love, the everything you two are about really. I read she is frightened deep down inside, so be gentle, and remain firm, don't back down, fight for truth.

Me and my husband divorce for similar problems. Attraction and fun was worn. Missing him and him missing me were the biggest spark. After our divorce we didn't see other people and instead suffer feeling like we had failed at holding on but one day he called and invited me to dinner and immediately after seeing him my feelings came back like a spark and I could tell he felt the same way....long story short, seeing what you have when it's gone can bring it back together if your not selfish. I am married to the man of my life again...my first, my second , and my only. Thank god for those feelings that help us miss one another. Too personal but as rare as it is....a diamond is what we are.

Most of us see a slow decline into SM. In your situation it sound like an abrupt stoppage. Yikes! Does she simply not love you, or does she despise you. In either case, it sounds like you're done. If counseling over the better part of a year hasn't helped, then you really need to get your exit plan in order. Best of luck.

Me and my husband divorce for similar problems. Attraction and fun was worn. Missing him and him missing me were the biggest spark. After our divorce we didn't see other people and instead suffer feeling like we had failed at holding on but one day he called and invited me to dinner and immediately after seeing him my feelings came back like a spark and I could tell he felt the same way....long story short, seeing what you have when it's gone can bring it back together if your not selfish. I am married to the man of my life again...my first, my second , and my only. Thank god for those feelings that help us miss one another. Too personal but as rare as it is....a diamond is what we are.