Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Just Sleepwalking Through

So many's mine.

Got married young (21), had kids young (23), and didn't really pay attention to how my relationship with my wife was being handled. She intended to be in control of everything, money, kids, etc., and I was just happy (passive) to work and come home to someone I shared this life with. We had sex. Usually it was about every other week and always at her bidding. I remember being upset at the frequency, thinking that it was too little, so I kept track for an entire year. 26 times....every other week. When we did have sex it was always quick, do it now, get it over with. Not what I would call enjoyable or passionate. Little by little she began to make excuses like you smell, you're too fat, you take too long..... I'm in good physical shape and know how to take a shower. I remember this happening when my oldest kid was in high school about 10 years ago. Kids are out of the house and the frequency and enjoyability decreased. We were intimate maybe once every other month and this was apparently my fault. I ended up having an affair. Not something I'm really proud of BUT the intimacy and sex in the affair was incredible. I guess I'm not really fat and smelly. My guilt was great and I ended the affair and confessed to my wife. This was two years ago and she has refused to go to a counselor. She say she doesn't want to be told she is wrong. I didn't want to be told I was unappealing. I'm toughing this out but I don't see anything getting any better.
dhugh dhugh 51-55, M 7 Responses Dec 29, 2011

Your Response


I'm 28 and my husband wants sex EVERY NIGHT!!! We do for the most part. He gets upset if I go like 2 days without it, I can't imagine everyother week.

You know, humans are inherently selfish, but they are also capable of great love. Have you talked to your wife about how she really feels about you? She may still love you but has some hangups about sex which need to be resolved (perhaps via counseling)? You still seem to have an emotional attachment to her to still be with her, have you thought deeply about how you feel about her, aside from the lack of sex? <br />
<br />
She is controlling the money and the kids. Is this because you do not want the responsibility? With control of money, also comes worry about paying bills and nothing dampens your sex drive more.<br />
<br />
Believe me, I am the last person to stay in an unhappy relationship (divorced twice), but it is also lonely and scary out there 'in the market' . Be sure this is what you want before you jump. You can always get sex outside of your marriage, so long as you keep it to yourself...<br />
<br />
Good luck with whatever you decide

So you felt guilty because you had sex outside of your sexless marriage and enjoyed it....Boy, does your wife have you just where she wants you...Good luck to you.

Well at least he didn't load the gun &amp; point it at himself...Oh wait..yea he :-D

yes, he

Your missus does not need a counsellor. She has her world quite well organised and is quite happy with things just as they are. What on earth would be her motivation to want to change one damn thing ??<br />
<br />
It is YOU with this pesky problem of desiring change.<br />
<br />
It is YOU who will have to see through the smoke and mirrors that any change in your life simply can not happen within the constraints of this relationship.<br />
<br />
It is YOU who is going to have to leave this relationship - if you truly desire change.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

You are in a an abusive and controlling relationship. If you quit now it is going to be bad. If you quit later it is just going to be a bit worse than splitting now. I can't help but wonder if your wife is setting you up for it.<br />
<br />
As Enna infers the question has to be "Why?" to any relevant question that might be posed to you. This is bad in a way that maybe isn't immediately obvious and glaring.

In situations like this even Dr. Laura would ask, "so what do you plan to do? Live like this for the rest of your life, ********** to ****, get a girlfriend or get a prostitute? this isnt going to change."<br />
<br />
Ive heard her say that so many times. LOL! Every time I hear it I going to get a boyfriend! <br />
Sex is NORMAL. It's HEALTHY. People have affairs for myraid reasons. One of those reasons is the other half not engaging in sex. What would she have you do? Because she did not want sex and refused your advances? Are you to now go the rest of YOUR life without it?<br />
<br />
I probably shouldnt even be commenting here because im too angry about my stuff but I feel like it IS abusive to expect your spouse should go without sex. If my kids were out of the house, i would already be gone. Put your guilt somewhere it belongs. the guilt is on her for driving you to the point that you had to seek it outside of the marriage.

she is on sirius xm satellite now or you can download her podcasts! she is very happy there! I get the podcasts. :)

The real question is this: WHY are you still there? Kids are grown. No intimacy for many years. Very controlling wife, who criticises and belittles you. You KNOW the grass is greener outside . . . . time to leave IMO!!<br />
<br />
Your wife is happy with things just the way they are. She is in control. She has things the way she wants them. She does not care if you are happy or not. So she will NEVER seek counselling.<br />
<br />
Now you, on the other hand, are miserable. And have been for a long time. You have sought and found comfort elsewhere. You know you can be happier and have a more fulfilling life away from your wife.<br />
<br />
Now you need to develop your Exit Plan and then make good on it. You have many good years left to share with someone who values you and loves you in ways you have never experienced with your wife. Grab them!!!!