Hurt Until I Become Numb.

Thanks. I only have two options. Leave or have an affair.

No, you have a third option but are you willing? In my humble opinion, you are asking her the wrong questions and she may believe the truth will hurt you or even if you knew the truth there is nothing you could do to fix it by no fault of your own. I know this sounds stupid given your situation but hear me out. She may not be getting the kind of sexual gratification that you thinks she is and is resentful, not at you but at the situation. My husband & I have been married for over a decade, we have been struggling with sex in our marriage for the majority of it. He feels like I have abandoned him sexually and is constantly accusing me of having an affair. First, I find the very thought of allowing a man, whom is not my husband, to touch me is beyond distasteful and seriously never going to happen. Secondly, my husband is not very well endowed, overweight and lacks stamina. All of this I don't blame on him but that doesn't change the fact that I am left largely unsatisfied, my interest has all but disappeared and yes I am resentful at him (even knowing it is not tottally his fault) & the situation. Lastly, he started out our relationship making an effort to arouse and satisfy me. For the most part he did, I didn't have any complaints and then he changed.
Now, I know many would say, "There are sex toys and other things out there". True enough but what gives me satisfaction can't be (or we haven't figured it out) obtained with using a vibrator. I have never told my husband because he would be absolutely destroyed over it. He already has a low self esteem and I will NOT be the one to make it worse. Sadly, he has become so angry towards me that he is verbally abusive without even acknowledging it. Nothing I do or say (short of giving him sex 15 or more times per week and faking like I want and enjoy it) makes him happy.
So, please before you condemn your wife to eternal hell. Please consider, there may be valid reasons. I am not saying some women are just selfish and cold, but she may not be.

Actually, you are WRONG. It is hard. And we know it is hard. How do we know? Because we have DONE it. Your assumption that the advice given here is from people who "don't understand how hard it is" is invalid. We are the front line soldiers here. YOU are one of the ones who is putting the problem in the "too hard" basket . . . . .

Really? What would you say to a person who wanted to leave, but couldn't financially? You say you've been through it, but you don't know lucky you are to have had the opportunity. For instance, I'm miserable, but can't escape. I'm a stay at home mom and college student. I have a child that is so disabled and fragile that no day care would accept her. If I found one that would, I couldn't afford it. Not with the McJob I'd have to get as a college dropout. Because there is no way to go to work, school, and care for my child. And I have no family members to help me get on my feet or even babysit. Even my husband would jet the moment I wasn't there to keep him sober. Yeah, solve that problem. While you're at it, get me a car to cross state lines with so that my kid can have surgery. I sure hope my McJob will allow the time off. AS$!

Ouch. Without trying to invalidate your suffering, I'll just suggest that Enna30 has a point. We're in this together it seems and each of us is living in our own private hell. Yours sounds particularly hellish. remember that you are surrounded by friends here who actually DO get the picture. My thoughts are with you.

Yes it does drain your sincerity. Not lacking resentment though.

I have gotten the I don't know reply. I now think that is a lie, he knows, just does not want to say it out loud. That would mean facing it, and he is unable to face anything.

I have been in that very state, paralyzed that is, and your imput is great on that . How hard it is though to talk openly and acknowledge a problem, for me anyway, especially when I get so angry and the words I intend to come out somehow just get twisted, then comes the blaming.

Don't know where to turn.

You begin by turning to your self, as freedomofinformationact suggests in his Dec 30th response. You're describing a total emotional disconnect from your wife. It's not just about whether you "get sex." Her attitude may be "males - thats all they want." But sex is just one facet of this very large, very precious gem. Connection, warmth, trust, need, laughter, even (dare I day the word) joy are all part of the picture. You have been denied all of it. Touch is such an important thing because it can communicate an entire conversation in one instant. Withhold touch and you lock your partner in an empty dark room. So look inside yourself and do the exercise - get a piece of paper and begin making a list of the things you yearn for. Sex is obvious, of course. But how about the other things that matter? Eye contact. Bright eyes. Unnecessary touch on the shoulder. Tickles. Word play. Flirting. Humor (remember that one? We used to be good at that). The list goes on and on and can get very subtle even as it grows in importance. Start with that one exercise and it will help your thought process to the next step, which may simply present itself to you.

Eleven years ago i was where you are at now. In a sexless marriage where i was misreable and finally came to realize after 20 years it wasnt going to get any better. Then I meet my current wife and left the first one. It was the best thing I ever did. It has been the best eleven years of my life since i left the first wife. Yes it cost me child support, alomony and a lot of other expences but it was worth every cent. Quit being misreable and leave, find you a wife that you can be happy with and never look back. You will be happy you did

No.......I guess I don't need a bottom line. I could never get one anyway. Sadly, I think the capacity for honesty from her is not ever going to happen. Where to now? I just don't know.......What you wrote did make sense to me. I welcome all comments and advice. For now I am just another FOOL.

How to take the first step. I don't even know how.

Yes you do. It's just hard to face up to it. You have already taken the first step by realising that YOU cannot fix her. That is one option albeit unrealistic that you have dumped. But first I think you need to decide what you want, what is your goal first. Start off with the abstract e.g. "I want to be happy." "I want a partner who is into sex as much as I am." Then start translating that into something specific like considering how to wind up your current relationship with as little impact and mess as possible. Sit down with a blank piece of paper to confront yourself and just throw all your thoughts and questions down on paper. Use the Internet for practical research even before you go talk to an attorney. Being knowledgeable in advance is both empowering and character-building. It will help you build that streak of determination you are going to need. Ask PRACTICAL questions of those here who have gone before you, they will be only too eager to help. Read through as many practical stories from those who have come out the other side for inspiration and information. There is a web site that Ron McDon keeps recommending but I unfortunately can't remember right now. PM him and ask. That will set you on your way, help you overcome that initial inertia. Remember starting to prepare is not the same as delivering the final blow. They are two distinct processes. Above all, stop continuing to blame yourself for not being able to fix things, for cutting and running. If need be, ask yourself, "Have I done all that I could reasonably do by now?" Good luck.