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My Husband Told Me He Hates Me.

My life in review:
Met him in 1996, Got married at 18 (in 1998), tried having kids but was unsuccessful and it caused some strain on our relationship, I changed jobs alot because I was trying to find what was right for me, he has split us up 4 times before, he cheated on me...I cheated on him, im always the one fighting to save our marriage, I got a good job, thought things were looking up, economy went to **** and we lost our home and vehicles, I got pregnant and had a miscarriage, got laid off from my job, he left...we got back together, I got pregnant and things started looking up again, had a beautiful baby boy (who's gonna be 2 in a few days), I enrolled in a local college because I want to become a nurse, now he wants a divorce.
I honestly can not think of any reason why he would look me in the face and say I HATE YOU. If anything I should be saying that to him. He told me that he wanted me to go to school, then a couple weeks ago told me I was worthless because I dont have a job. Im a FT mom and college student and now he wants me to work FT. He doesnt do anything as a family anymore. He sits in front of the TV everyday after he gets home from work and has been doing the same on the weekends. He starts fights with me constantly. I cant take it anymore and I think divorce would be best. It still hurts though. Why is he so back and forth and full of drama all the time? He doesnt do anything with our son and I have pretty much raised him alone thus far, but he expects to have rights. How do I trust him to take care of him? And is it wrong for me to feel that he shouldnt have that right since he hasnt had anything to do with him? I dont have any friends to talk to or hang out with. I feel so broken and alone. I keep trying to figure out what I did and I hate it. We havent had sex in almost 3 years now. I was pregnant the 1st year, the second year was trying to get used to life with a baby, and the third I initiated several times but he denied me. That made me feel worse so we havent slept in the same bed in a year.
I would leave but I have no one. I dont have a job but have been looking. I think of everything we went thru and eventho I have my son now, I never really had the chance to grieve the loss of a child. Then adding the look on his face when he said he hates me. How can he really feel that way?
JC31 JC31 31-35, F 9 Responses Jan 2, 2012

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I appreciate ALL the comments. I know that I need to be the one to commit to leaving for good this time...I, just like many of you, needed a place to go for perspective. I'm just looking for answers because it is hard to deal with. And when your so close to or in a situation sometimes you just get blinded and lost in the pain. Like I said I have been looking for a job, and Im now trying to figure out where me and my son can go. I found out he took my name off our apartment lease so I dont think there is much I am able to really do to be able to stay here anyway. He always gets what he wants so why bother fighting it?

You have suffered too much.

JC, he split you up 4 times and cheated on you. Your marriage has been a disaster since before the wedding day. You have tried to get your way - studying, parenting, etc. and he does not want to be the support person for that.<br />
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Put yourself in his shoes - why would he support a woman he does not care for? Why would he give you what you want when you don't give him what he wants? He may be an a**hole - but you are a pretty selfish person too IMO. You have structured your life around what you want and are not really prepared to give him what he wants.<br />
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I suggest you explore the options for single parent support and / or student support. Find another single mother who wants to house share. Study part time and work part time. You CAN live alone and you CAN make your life a better one.

No thats just the thing. Everything he wanted I always gave to him or I didnt complain if it was something he bought/did for himself. I supported him when he changed jobs or went to school for his type of work. Yes it seemed like I was the one working harder to fix things but if he truly didn't want to be together than why did he even bother to come back? I never "trapped" him with the kid either. After I miscarried he claims he left because it was hard on him. When we got back together he suggested trying again. So thats what messes with my head. Why put me thru all of that if you dont love me? And as far as college goes...yes I should have done that before i got married but I believed him when he said he accepted me the way I was and wanted take care of me. I worked too. I started school because I was laid off recently from a job at a local government office. I had average office experience and looking for a job that a whole lot of other people were looking for. So he told me to go to Nursing school if thats what I wanted. At the end of the first semester he tells me that I need a job. I said ok...then two weeks later he wants a divorce. He is constantly going back and forth. Isnt marriage about talking, planning, agreeing, and succeeding/fulfilling a plan or goal? I never forced him to do anything....so what makes you say that I was the selfish one? Just asking because I seriously want to know so I never repeat my mistake. I just dont know what more I can give.

-----" im always the one fighting to save our marriage"<br />
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WHY?<br />
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-----" I would leave but I have no one."<br />
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That is why.<br />
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-----"How can he really feel that way?<br />
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He just does, and that is his business.<br />
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He is being honest here. <br />
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This is an opportunity for you to get a plan together to leave. He has told you in words and deeds how he feels. It's done and over with. <br />
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Keep ignoring that fact at YOUR PERIL and you will continue to suffer.

Let him go, do you really want him when he can ignore his own child. Get a job and get out

Yes, honey, he does hate you. He has been trying to escape you for years but you keep pulling him back. He feels trapped. With a child, he feels more trapped than ever. It doesn't matter how much YOU love him, he has long since stopped wanting to be with you. If you really love him, stop his suffering. It'll stop yours too. Get a counselor to help you navigate your pain. <br />
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It totally sucks. Best to get it over with soon so you don't hate each other all the time. You've got a precious baby boy to raise without bitterness. <br />
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Princess BeRational

Princess you really nailed it IMO.

Why is it, in your opinion, that you seem to think I trapped him and kept pulling him back? Im not one of those girls who would sit there and constantly nag him to get back together. Things just seemed to fall back into place and we would get back together. Yes I said I felt like I was always the one trying to keep our marriage together. And what I meant by that was I always gave into what he wanted. I would always be the one to make sacrifices. As long as I was working and he was taking from me he was happy. And as I replied to another person above....when we got back together the last time after the miscarriage he suggested trying again. So why would he bother if he really hated me and didnt want to be together?

I didn't say or suggest that you hounded him back. Rather, I suspect he feels responsible for you and that has driven him back when he wanted to escape. I believe he is probably deeply conflicted and your ever-present love and forgiveness has been his trap. Thus, he hates you.

Sorry I misunderstood you...eventhough I know its over this time for good I cant help but to try to make sense of things. If Im doing something wrong I want to know so I can fix myself too. This all just sucks so bad.

First, get out. If you want to go to school full time, you will likely find emergency financial aid available for someone with a "change in life circumstance". Call the school tomorrow and find out. While you're at it, call family services and find out what type of assistance you might be eligible to receive. Get as much mental health help as is beneficial to you to get through this. You'll amaze yourself with how strong you are once you stop trying to prop up a dead relationship by yourself. And, yes, it totally sucks. But we have to deal with the world as we find it, not as we wish it to be.

2 More Responses

My sympathies for your losses and hurts.<br />
Sounds like a typical husband to me except the hate bit and the no-sex bit.<br />
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Did he apologise for that, we all have bad days? Or is it a constant hostility.<br />
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If you need to work full-time then you will have to as times are hard for everyone right now. <br />
Not really the time to get an education you should have done that before you had a child?<br />
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As for the no-sex well that is not right and will have to be dealt with if you are staying.<br />
For the sake of your son you do owe it to him to to try to unite, try marriage guidance, try starting afresh, but your husband may be unwilling so then you may have to consider leaving as that is no way to raise a child, in hate.

"Sounds like a typical husband to me" - oh for goodness sake. Please lay off that stuff.

For goodness sake, I am entitled to my opinion. You sound like my husband. If someone said that their wife spent too much money and they do here all the time do you think I could be bothered to say anything about it. Yes it's a cliche yes it's a stereotype but it does not matter. I am not here to right the wrongs of stereotypes but to deal with my SM. I was just trying to say to her get things in proportion and don't sweat the small stuff but only the SM and any hate/aggression. I believe in freedom of speech, it is a shame you do not.

"Sounds like a typical husband"? What the hell do you know about what a real husband is like? Jesus, that was offensive. Get off your high horse and accept that there are worthwhile men in the world. Apparently none are in your family.

You are awfully judgemental aren't you: She should have gotten an education before she had a child? What business of that is yours. Clearly, this woman is in a bad marriage to a man she cannot rely on...it's a good thing she's getting a useful degree now. Better for her to get the nursing degree than get stuck in dead end jobs and have to support her child. And you don't stay in a bad marriage for the sake of a child. Like you said, you don't want to raise a child in hate.

No lately he has been just a straight up azz to me. As far as school and work...ever since I had my son and then got laid off I expressed my interest in school. I had plenty of interviews on my search for a job but Ive got to many competitors trying to get the limited amount of the same type job that he agreed that I should go to nursing school. I just got thru the first semester and he started telling me that I needed to get a job and calling me worthless. Now all of sudden he hates me and claims to want a divorce. We are not poor, but not rich either. We have a roof over our heads and our basic needs, but because Im no longer bringing in money for him to blow Im worthless. Im not spending any money right now on school because Im enrolled FT. As long as Im FT I wont have to make payments on student loans so its not like he is paying/supporting me in that way. The only money I get to spend is on groceries or something for my son every now and then. I feel bad for spending any money on myself. I havent went to get my haircut in over a year. Longer since I bought myself an outfit. And thats part of why I cant understand how he can look me in the face and tell me Im worthless and he hates me. What did I do?

JC31 - I understand now about the work situation thank you for the details. That was a joint decision and he really should not do an about turn in that way.

I really do so sympathise with the anger that your husband is subjecting you to and sexless state of your marriage. Please use the advice and try not over worrying what you did wrong as it could only make you depressed.

My husband has the same confusing and angry temperament and it is horrible, I really do feel for you.

Hugs.

GA - You are easily offended.

goldillks - No I am not at all judgemental, far from it, and I am entitled to my opinion, I believe in free speech it is shame that you do not.

5 More Responses

"Why" is he an arsehole ?<br />
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Does it greatly matter ?<br />
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The result - the disintegration of the marriage - doesn't alter one iota.<br />
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Hard stuff to deal with. But you DO have to deal with it. Go see a lawyer. First thing tomorrow.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I don't know how to tell you this. But LISTEN to what he's saying. And LISTEN to his actions. He may not have any reason to hate you and he may not even hate you all the time, but his actions are not those of love. But do you know what I think he really hates? He hates the adult responsibility of being a husband and a father. And you are the human manifestation of that responsibility that he's failing to live up to - so yes, maybe he's focusing his hate on you. <br />
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Do not listen to the 14 yo lesbian about getting satisfaction by leaving first. But go get yourself to a lawyer (it may be to your advantage to stay where you are and have him leave, I don't know). If you are at university you may be able to access low-cost or free legal advice. But do listen to her about what a crappy situation you're in. Even a 14 year old can see that.

Self-righteous? Moi? Just experienced. It's fine to break up first with a high school boyfriend for the sake of 'getting in their first', but in the real world there's rent and childcare to pay.

Try looking past the surface.

Modern Waste, I'm sure you mean well - but hey! How would you feel if all of us "oldies" got onto a site used by you and your teen friends and started telling you how to run your lives . . . ? And we HAVE been teens! You have never been an adult woman in a sexless marriage. . . . . Go back to your own experiences please.