Ex Wants Me BackXH had his version of the talk with me. He thinks I should be over my little snit by now and we are meant to be together. He told me that he “is not giving up on me”. He says no matter what happens between us he will be kind to me for the rest of my life. He says he owes me that and more after the way he has previously treated me. He says he is committed to improving things so I can fall in love with him again and we can have the life I always wanted with him. He detailed all the things he is doing and working on to make things better. Sex seems to be the sticking point he hasn’t figured out how to make better.
He has been nicer and kinder to both me and his siblings, true. If he had treated me kindly, with respect and as a partner during the seven years we were married I would have tolerated the sexlessness. I would have accepted it to keep my family together, to not have to admit my marriage failed to myself or in public. I never wanted to be divorce. If he had been my friend, made attempts at sexual connection with me and expressed love I probably would have fooled myself into believing the sex didn’t matter. So I suppose I am grateful that he did not do those things because the emotional abuse took away my blinders to the sexual withholding being part of the abuse and destruction to my self-esteem.
I have never been unclear with him. I have told him that my goal and high hope is for us to co-parent the young adults we raised together and be able to be friendly to each other because our friends and families are deeply intertwined. I figured he would realize once he had time apart that he was happier without me. I expected that there would be a moment of realization that we were ill-matched and that he could find someone that fits his needs better. I figured that he would reflect on how angry, anxious and unhappy he was and come to the same conclusion I have. That hasn’t happened.
I do not think I can completely cut him out of my life without any contact due to the children we have raised together and how intertwined our friends and families are. I can only continue to repeat the same things and live my life by my new choices.
He never heard me when I expressed my frustrations and communicated my needs when we were married. He certainly did not rise to meet my needs then. I guess it comes as no surprise that he now still isn’t hearing me. He thinks all it takes is to be a little nicer, less grumpy and a bit more responsible to make me fall in romantic love with him again. Even in his “I am not giving up on you” he is dismissive of the loneliness, sadness and impact to my self-esteem that his choices had. He still seems to think this is simple, as if I hadn’t already run down every simple solution available to us during the marriage before finally, desperately deciding that some things can't be fixed.
He just doesn’t get it. He still doesn’t know how much he doesn’t know.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.