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Marriage Counselling Round 4

We have been to see four different marriage counselors.  The first one was about 3 years ago, she was good, I liked her.  My Wife did not care for her.  My wife communication skills have declined since her illness.  While in session she would get nervous and tong tied, feeling like she was to blame for all our woes.  We stopped seeing this therapist after about 10 weeks.  One good outcome was my Wife be-gain to realize the pain I had been in over the previous years.
About a year later, we started seeing another therapist.  My wife liked him, he had experience with dealing with health issues similar to hers..  He like to hear himself talk, so talk he did, almost the entire session.  She liked him because her outgoing communication could be kept at a minimum while she sat and listened.  I did not like him, he seemed arrogant, dismissive of my conjectures.  However, my wife like him so i was willing to stay with him, after about 10 sessions my job got transferred to Texas from New York, so we ended with him.
About a year ago I told my wife I was thinking about having an affair so we needed to go to counseling again.  After about 6 sessions with this new lady I felt cured.  I no longer had a desire to have an affair.  I was still in a SM, but for some reason I did not feel the need for an affair any more. (the feeling could have related to my ever-changing anti-depression drug combos.)
Last couple of months by desire for intimacy and sex have been building again.  I talked to my Wife about having an open marriage to get my needs met.  That when over as well as a lead balloon.  So here we are again, seeing our fourth Marriage Counselor, we have had 3 sessions in the last week, our next one is next week.
Aside from Marriage Counselling I have been in single private therapy for the most part of 10 years.
I am getting tired.
freelife3 freelife3 41-45, M 7 Responses Jan 3, 2012

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I agree with mvcmvc..I have to say that, yes, you were trying to do the right thing,,and so you are going for counseling and being loyal, but really..you are getting no where, except, that time is passing..I think perhaps.. individual counseling..to perhaps sort out what you really want to do and what you need to do, .. might help you..i realize you have the burden of an ill wife..and there is a lot of guilt with leaving someone that is ill..and so i don't know what to say to you.... But, i do think you have a very difficult decision ahead of you...because at some point in time, you will no longer be able to deal with this...

"except, that time is passing." I am very patient, I can wait a long time on slim hopes and possibilities. Although I do feel my patience is finally starting to wear thin.

Patience is not always a virtue. Particularly where it is used as a justification for avoiding the life law of choice.

Taken into context with your other stories you wife is suffering from a degenerative disease that has impacted all aspects of her life.<br />
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My condolences, this would be a very tough road to travel and there are probably no good answers to the intimacy part if she is unable to participate and won't allow you relief elsewhere.<br />
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The "won't allow relief elsewhere" is not sustainable over the long haul though and you can't "therapasize" normal human needs into oblivion.<br />
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Something is going to give here - and it might be your sanity.

Thanks for the comment, and reviewing the big picture. My mental health is definitively under strain.

The problem is that you are stupid. I know because I was stupid too. <br />
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After all of this time, all of these counsellors are probably getting tired of you too because they want you to realize FOR YOURSELF that: <br />
1) your marriage is hopeless <br />
2) your marriage is ridiculous. <br />
but you never get it. <br />
<br />
It is time for you to end the marriage. Call a divorce lawyer and salvage whatever sanity you have left.

Therapists do not have any answers, only bottomless pockets which you are helping them to fill. You must take responsibility for your own life and face the reality of your situation. Vows mean nothing if the marriage is already broken.

oh boy,<br />
<br />
How much longer are you prepared to flog this poor dead horse of a marriage.<br />
<br />
You need to move on and out.

loyal to a fault. unable to break my wedding vows.

OK. Has your therapist helped with anything to help you address, and challenge your thinking about this loyalty / co-dependence issue ??

Sounds like this is the main issue for you to focus on in your individual counselling. That is:
WHY you cannot let go of a dysfunctional relationship.

Everything I was taught as a young man by religious figures, family and mentors is very deeply ingrained. Any therapist I work with has their work cut out for them. but i am challenging my thinking. I know something has got to give.

If you were seriously thinking of an affair, that would not work well with the religious things you were taught, now would it?

Neither is relying on the side effects of a drug to keep you from thinking that way. You're using the antidepressant, so it seems, partly as a chemical castration.

I would point out that the Bible says that marriage partners must not deny one another. The word DEFRAUD is used to describe this. It is not living up to your marriage vows any more than if one of you were to have an affair.(1 Corinthians 7:3-5).7:3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
7:4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
7:5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

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So, four different marriage counsellors over 3 years, one individual therapist for 10 years.<br />
<br />
And the marriage is still dysfunctional.<br />
<br />
Surely a reasonable conclusion from this might be that the marriage is irretreivably broken.<br />
<br />
Has your individual therapist helped you uncover the reason you stay ?<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.