Same As You With A Twist: Spouse Is Ill

nothing wrong with fantasizing......................

I can also empathize. My wife suffers from depression and with the awful combination of drugs that she takes to treat it, she is virtually asexual. This has been going on for 10 years

I do empathise having been my wife's family carer for over 10 years of sexless marriage. I fantasise about having a discreet affair ideally with someone in a similar situation, but have never acted on it.

My hubby has also told me he suffers fibromyalgia. Sadly his doesn't mess up until he begins to stress over a wierd stress cycle he creates. I have tried to help him avoid these cycles by giving him a heads up on consequences of things, and sending him to massage therapies etc. He used to avoid those negative things with my help and his pains eased nicely. More Recently, he has begun to find ways to stress and get sick, regardless of my attempts to help him. I cringe as I read noticeable similarities. I am convinced my husband is full of bull, even though I am also convinced he has the illness.

There are a lot questions for you to consider. Answer all of those questions with the bottom line. The marriage is broken, you are lonely, and children recover. Nothing you can do will cure your hubby, and while I sympathize with you over feeling the obligation of caring for him...you are not obligated to fight to save a widespread unhealthy situation...this is not affecting only you.

He needs help, why not find it, help him transition into a new life that is also more healthy for him. You will feel that you have done your due diligence, and can find closure if that is what you want.

~hugs~

Another story which is hard to read. So sorry to hear about your situation. There are so many ways to get in a sexless marriage but I feel if its "killing" you something must be done. I often llook at my age and wonder how bad I will feel in 5yrs.. 10 yrs.. An affair with the right person, if you are emotionally "there" helps. At first I felt guilty but at this point I am well beyond that.... I feel comfortable because I am taking care of myself. Its not easy findind someone although from the sounds of it on EP it should not be too hard. If you and your eventual "partner" are honest about your situations..... you can feel love ad passion again. It does take effort though.
I like to think when your need for action is stronger than your need to feel bad for yourself, change will occur.
Good luck

Fibromyalgia? That stuff is a major drag...but tricyclic antidepressants can help the pain as well as the crappy feelings.

So what happened? I hope the wind caught your wings just right and took you on an incredible flight. If it hasn't yet, soon it just might:)

Your story echos so much of mine...I dare not write much for fear of breaking down in tears. I used to think that my husband was using his illness as an excuse not to have sex with me. I became so angry, so bitter not only toward him but those around. His words of its not you, its me are words I could not fathom. I have started to leave many many times and I just cannot let myself be the one who left him in a crisis. However, his crisis has never ended...It has continued for well over 19 years now.



Zsu, I do oursource, I had to and I made a brave announcement that I was going to. I did not ask permission. We do not talk about our sex life or lack thereof. I have a lover who provides that. That was 5 years ago.



Leaving is a process or in my case more of a long, long journey. The destination seems more scary than staying stuck. Good Luck to you in your own journey, whereever it leads you.

a piece of advice - avoid posting under your own name. Find some pseudonym which is not recognisable by family and friends. I'd like to call you Zsuzsika, but that would be intrusive.

As about illness - my girlfriend (60) is also ill. At my age, I'm not a young stallion either. In fact, I couldn't even have sex without active consent. But we help each other, we talk it through. The result is wonderful.

Sue,

It is not the lack of sex that makes you feel rotten. It is the lack of love.

This is a problem I am in the middle of now. I outsourced. I had an affair that lasted 3 yrs. It made life at home bearable. The nights away were filled with the dreams I had been having for the previous 11 yrs. I found out ...at 55... (three yrs ago)...that I was still desirable, my body still worked (after a jump start....blue pill)...basically...many insecurities were relieved.



Affairs end. I was left with a broken heart for the XGF..........and a broken heart over my broken marriage. It took complete devastation for me to make a move.

There is no glory in living like this. When I took a look at it....the sexlessness is just a glaring symptom of a deeper problem. Once it brings your attention to the situation.....and you have found your way to this site......clarity and focus follow. Otherwise...complacency sets in and we stop doing the footwork (Learning of our options).

What I did....is put others needs before my own. Now I have a hard time figuring out if my wants are my needs.....(self preservation or selfishness). I have decided.....just like they tell you on a plane...to take care of myself first, then help others. Taking care of myself...is a mental, spiritual and physical balance that was/is lacking in the physical department...(spiritual and mental also).

It is time to focus on my health first......then help others.

I am writing up a separation agreement today. I will still live at the house and be there for her....but my cards are on the table. ......Know what?? I feel 100% better now...than I did when I joined this site (Sept., 2011). The problems are still there...(**** ..they got worse)...but I have a peace inside....that lets me know it will all work out.....as long as I do the footwork.

Peace and blessings......Rusty

OMG!!!! This Post is making ME ILL!! Cannot you see that he is USING his illness to keep you trapped?? He knows you enough to "play " you!! WOMAN UP Girl!! You need to get some gutsy power and turn your life around!! If not...Think ahead 20 to 30 years from now!! What will your "existence" be like then!! YIKES!! Pain is something that can be used to fool ANYONE..Including doctors.. He has "MIND ****** YOU" into thinking you are responsible for him!! Want to see a "miracle"? Divorce his *** and in no time he will be duping another woman to do his bidding!!

After my X left...I asked out hotguyboyfriend...he's still hot. Anyways - he deployed last May for a tour in AFG. We were sitting in Buffalo Wild Wings and he said..."So - will you still be wanting me if I come back with a leg cut off.." I said.."of course"...he said..what if i'm paralyzed.



I put my hands on the side of his face and I said..."I'm betting your lips would still work"



He almost fell out of his chair...whent he people we love get sick...it doesn't mean the end of desire..for some probably...but not all.



But - it's not your desire that is the issue. It's his. Have you told him that you need intimacy with him? That it's not a 'nice to have"...but that you feel less human without it?

There are several posters on here who have SM due to their spouse's illness. If you look around, you will find them. They have had varying ways to addressing the problem - from an open marriage to a divorce or legal separation and still taking care of the spouse's physical needs (plus their own).



I echo MVC's advice: There is heartache already - it is yours, and it deserves some attention too. That advice resonates with me, as my H and kids want us to stay married. Yet I want to be divorced and that causes them heartache for which I feel very guilty and responsible. So, MVC's comment that your heartache is also pretty darn important - well, that is totally true! Since he is not capable of taking care of that, you will need to find a way to heal your heart. And that is the tough part. But you need to take care of yourself. And you are the one whose needs are not being met, so it will be up to you in this case to make sure they are. Consider that he is not concerned, or doesn't appear to be from your story, about your needs being met. What does that tell you?

If you've been reading here for a while, you should know that ill spouses are quite common here. In some ways, the "why" doesn't matter in these situations (See: Wolfy1, NowSeekingHookups, RustyRod)



I also know that at times, the ill spouse will give the caretaking spouse permission to take a recreational sex partner.



Just an option to consider.

You will find in here, people who have ended up doing things that they would once "never have acted upon".



And, you won't find much in the way of 'judgement' for them having done so.



People who have 'been there' (like the membership here) understand where you are coming from.



Your choices here are all awful. Your choice to stay at this point is awful - for the reasons you are presently experiencing.



The other choice - leaving - carries its' own downside (although there is an upside once you've done it).



The band-aid affair option carries its' own negative aspects too. Not the least of which is the risk of catastrophic failure of the primary relationship at a time, and in a manner not of your choosing.



But, unfortunately, you don't get a pass on choosing. No-one does.



This boards role can be to help you make an "informed" choice. But the choice is actually YOUR responsibility.



Tread your own path.

-----" but don't want to be "that" person who brings heartache where there was none before"



But there IS heartache and has been.



YOURS.



And that is pretty darn important, don't you think?

Hi zsuzsilowinger



I had to copy your pseudonym. No way I could copy it faithfully!



Do you feel he omitted essential information about himself before you got married or did all this illness stuff actually occur afterwards. It may appear petty to ask about the distinction but depending upon the answer entitles you to feel differently about the situation. A no-brainer really.



As for you, well if you were absolutely determined, like most women you could vamp it up and point the choicest of smiles in the right direction at the right time and you could have the most experienced, nay, cynical man, going weak at the knees desperately trying not to giggle like a teenage school boy or drooling like an idiot. As one of the species it's grim to have to report that, but it is in the genes as they say.



It's amazing what a conscious difference in attitude can do for two people who otherwise appear very similar. So, it would only be a case of whether you really want to or not. That judgement call would be yours, but no-one here is going to call foul. Well, some interfering religious zealot might. They like to every so often but they are usually seen off pretty sharply.



Here's my other piece of advice, if you do decide to do something about it see it as exploiting 'him' rather than 'him' exploiting you. The reality is of course something else altogether; a naughty collaboration maybe, but a positive state of mind can take you an awful long way. So, how about it, do you think you can consciously con yourself? Is it worth having a crack at?



Well, ultimately, I am not encouraging you to have that affair but even if you just push the boundaries of those dreams a bit further, what the hell!

I really feel for you. My wife was ill some years ago and it can be very hard. I didn't have an affair, but my situation is different as I have no kids. The main reason I don't have an affair is that I don't wanna be the 'bad guy' yadda yadda. But really, you needing intimacy is not selfish. You are being starved of a basic human need. If he cut your food intake in half, to the point where you would waste away, would you call eating 'your selfish need.'



I didn't leave when my wife was sick because it seemed like a douchebaggy thing to do. Now here I am five years later, and going to leave now that it is 'socially acceptable.' I wish I had left at the time, I might have a family by now.

Oh I feel your pain. The right parent, the wrong spouse. We too are great friends and she is a wonderful mother. She is now and has for some time been dealing with serious abuse from her childhood that has rendered her sexually "dead" - which I can totally understand, but don't like living on the other end of! Our kids are small too, we are getting older. There was a great song lyric (can't remember who) something like "people leading lives of quiet desperation" - I think that sounds like us. I don't like any alternatives. I am seriously considering something to kill my libido for a while. Sigh.....

I feel your pain and I too look forward to finding a palatable solution where none seems possible.