I Live In a Sexless Marriage
A year and a half of couples counseling provided no magical bullet solution, no revelation from the good doctor that cured our problems, or that made either of us see the errors of our ways.
What it did do, was provide a weekly, mandated, difficult discussion of the worst, most difficult and terrifying topics. It wasn’t what we resolved out of those topics that provided the benefit; it was the discipline and rigorous focused attention of the discussion itself, the process of authentically revealing, challenging, and calling bullshit as needed, week in and week out.
It took us a year and a half to get to the point where we could give up the need to talk “safely” (ie, without fear of consequence or reciprocity for our intentions or actions from the other), and instead develop the courage to be authentic with each other about what we wanted, and how much it really meant to us and what we were prepared to do or give up to get it.
Couples counseling won’t give you an answer, won’t prove you right and your spouse wrong. It will give you a process and discipline. It will exercise your communicative muscles, until the two of you are able to understand each other, and see if you can accommodate each other’s needs. It will happen gradually.
Once you get to that place, you will then get to the root of why your sexless spouse feels trapped in the relationship. Only then will your spouse reveal why they are unsatisfied with the relationship and their lives. At that point, you can begin the negotiations. You are both finally at the table and you are both being the real "you", rather than self-censoring your needs before they are articulated.
What it did do, was provide a weekly, mandated, difficult discussion of the worst, most difficult and terrifying topics. It wasn’t what we resolved out of those topics that provided the benefit; it was the discipline and rigorous focused attention of the discussion itself, the process of authentically revealing, challenging, and calling bullshit as needed, week in and week out.
It took us a year and a half to get to the point where we could give up the need to talk “safely” (ie, without fear of consequence or reciprocity for our intentions or actions from the other), and instead develop the courage to be authentic with each other about what we wanted, and how much it really meant to us and what we were prepared to do or give up to get it.
Couples counseling won’t give you an answer, won’t prove you right and your spouse wrong. It will give you a process and discipline. It will exercise your communicative muscles, until the two of you are able to understand each other, and see if you can accommodate each other’s needs. It will happen gradually.
Once you get to that place, you will then get to the root of why your sexless spouse feels trapped in the relationship. Only then will your spouse reveal why they are unsatisfied with the relationship and their lives. At that point, you can begin the negotiations. You are both finally at the table and you are both being the real "you", rather than self-censoring your needs before they are articulated.
By:
Apocrypha
Age:
36-40
