Seeking Courage

I am not married but my partner is definitely starving me of affection so much I to want to leave but I feel guilty since I to am the bread winner I feel if I leave him It would take him along time to recover what he's gain. But a small part of me doesnot care about this so I truely understand were you are coming from and yes sometimes it take your partner seeing you with someone else to realize how you really mean to them

Very helpful perspective. Thanks. I tell myself that love comes in infinite amount and infinite variety, and in a sane world we would no more be limited to one romantic relationship than we are to one friendship or one respected elder or one cherished aunt, etc. And in that world, the relationship between my husband and I would be what it is or is not, but it would never be a prison. It would stand or fall on its own merits and so would any other relationship of whatever kind we each had in our lives.



However, society at large would condemn that view and I haven't gone so far yet as to completely throw off all society's expectations & conditioning. I am reaching the point though where I have to do just that or end my marriage. I have so little hope of correcting the issues in my marriage and so great a need to LIVE the rest of my life.

Type your comment here...

Wandalou...once again I cannot "judge" anyone for what they decide is "bad" or less "bad" or more "bad". These are horrible conversations that I wish none of us had to have.

There is another story on here by JLN99 about the basic choices we all have when faced with a sexless marriage.



1) Just live with the situation you have. Long term the odds of changing what you have seem slim however. But many (if not most here it seems) choose this option. Remember...inaction is an ACTION. You are actively choosing the status quo. Most don't like to admit that to themselves, but they are choosing to continue the pain of their sexless marriages. And most have very good reasons for that.

2) Get out. Divorce. Change your situation so you can have another go at it with someone else or whatever else you feel is better for you. This can present many challenges as well. For some this is better than #1. For others, the pains this can/may/will cause are too much and almost worse than the pain of living in a sexless marriage.

3) Get some on the side. This has two sub-answers.

3a) Without the knowledge of ones spouse. Probably the most common. And most would like to keep it secret from their spouses. For some this is purely a sexual release. For others this is getting an emotional connection we all seem to crave which we are not getting in our marriages.

3b) For very few (I think) - getting permission to have extra-marital affairs. One spouse realizes the pain their low libido causes their higher libido spouse and allows them the freedom to satisfy that need outside of the marriage, but also chooses to stay married.



I am not the morality police. I make no judgments toward anyone about the choices they need to make for themselves, their spouses, their unique situation, their kids, etc. Everyone WILL travel down one of these roads (or several).



For me - I have chosen #1 for now....actively toying with #3a as well. I have not crossed the physical line yet, but I admit to an affair of the heart.



Good Luck again on whatever path you choose. No one deserves what we have to deal with in this group.

Sounds like my wife. I know what your going through

And is it less "bad" if you are open about your intentions to seek attention elsewhere? Is it possible that, accepting the asexual nature of your partner, you jointly agree to an open marriage, and all live happily ever after? Or is this just a selfish rationalization of what I want to do?

Wow...similar stories we share. My wife is the one who lives the same story as your husband. I call this reactive fear. As you describe...when all the "other" things are good - my wife and your husband are very content living the "perfect" marriage. The "prefect" marriage is what the outside world sees. But to us, it is a sexless, hollow, empty life. Sounds like your husband, like my wife will only "react" and do something when their fear of losing something is triggered. For me, it was always an angry reaction by me to the sexless part of our marriage. How odd is that? When I am a jerk...she comes around. When I live the perfect, romantic, loving husband role...she settles into pure bliss...sexless pure bliss. Fear caused her affection. The cycle has repeated too many times for coincidence. It is very apparent. Now that I have pretty much given up on my marriage, without anger, without emotion, without feeling, she REALLY fears this is different and is trying more now than ever. Even trying harder than when we dated. Your husband seems to clearly be seeing the same thing in you.

So you have to ask yourself the same question as me. Yes we both like the affection that we are now getting that we have been seeking for so long, but will our spouses revert to their core being once the "fear" is gone and we "fall back" in love with them? I think mine will. You have to answer that for yourself and your situation. I have come to accept without anger or emotion that my wife is simply asexual and that is just who she is. I probably had WAY too many warning signs before marriage about this. Before a house. Before kids. But "love" is blind and we think we can overcome and love will overcome and.....

You have to decide for yourself what to do. I will never judge anyone else here who has been put through the things we all have been. I suggest you go have some fun with your newly re-kindled "affair of the heart". I have with someone AFTER I emotionally checked out of my marriage. The feelings are wonderful. I know what I am doing is as bad as a "real" affair. No one has to tell me that. It also sounds like you have all your wits about you as too know what you are doing is as "bad".

But remember - what I am going to say is not an excuse and does not justify anything and again I do not judge anyone...but we were driven to make these miserable decisions. I wish I never had to.

Good Luck with whatever you decide.