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All That Glitters...

I have read many of the stories here, and many seem to run along a typical theme. I am going to add my thoughts to those who are living in a sexless marriage, as I am, but who also speak of love and friendship with their partners -- who say they have a wonderful, warm marriage, indeed -- except for that little thing called "no sex."

I have some news for you. I think you should re-examine just how sweet and loving your partners really are...

I don't know too many people who would classify as "caring" or "warm" or "sweet" or "good" those actions that do real harm to another, except those who are desperate to find some "silver lining" to a sad situation.

  • Denying your partner sex is not a sweet and friendly thing to do.
  • Knowing a partner is miserable because of no sexual expression, and not doing anything to alleviate this, is not sweet.
  • Friends don't do malicious secretive passive things to their friends, and then put on an air of innocence about it..."Oh, my total lack of caring for your frustration and misery...my refusal to ever broach the subject or to stir myself to DO ANYTHING about it...oh, that upsets you? I had no idea! And now I will do *nothing* to change this situation except possibly ignore it even more, or for a change of pace, blame you!"

B.S.!!!

I've been where most of you are.

  • I tried to see things differently.
  • I tried to "do without" and do it with grace.
  • I tried to change myself in the hope of enticing my partner.
  • I tried to change my innermost feelings from sad and angry to something "positive."
  • I tried to tell myself that it was my fault.
  • I tried to tell myself it didn't matter, really, when one is with such a warm and loving partner (except for the bit about NO SEX).
  • I tried hobbies. I can weave, knit, crochet, brew beer, frame a house, build a wagon, hand-tame wild birds, grow giant pumpkins, make rope, cast pewter figurines, win at darts, and much much more. Blah.
  • I ran long distances, physically and mentally, to try to run off my desires and energies.
  • I told myself I was bad and evil.
  • I told myself I was pathetic to be 35...40...45...49 and still wanting to have sex.
  • I said so many rosaries that even the Pope asked me to stop.

And then...

  • I begged...
  • I screamed...
  • I broke my hand by slamming it against MY OWN HEAD, duh.
  • I wrote reams of letters about it...
  • I cried...until I was sick...many times...
  • I threw myself on the floor and knocked my head against it and said I would do anything, anything he said if he'd just tell me what the reason was for his lack of interest...
  • I said I was sorry approximately 100,000 times for being "bad" and "being demanding and shallow..."
  • I said I was so sorry even more times for being such a bad person as to put "something as minor as sex" above his lovely warmth and goodness as a partner...

Is anyone getting the picture?

Those who ignore your anguish, who place the blame on you, or who let you place blame on yourself, those who do nothing to stop this misery of your heart, THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND, they are NOT loving people. So, to add to your problems, you're either living with a really passively mean person or a psycho.

Would YOU stay in a marriage where BECAUSE OF YOUR BEHAVIOR your partner was desperate and sad and in anguish?

Would you sit back and let YOUR partner be in such misery about something YOU did or didn't do?

No, you wouldn't.

You know, those who are drug abusers, alcohol abusers -- they don't care about what they are doing to their husbands or wives -- they don't see it, they don't accept it -- if you tell them they are hurting you, they don't buy it -- their abuse is "not the cause" of any terrible consequences -- there is NO getting through to them -- but no one, not one therapist in the world, no matter HOW lousy (and most are REALLY f-ing lousy), would tell the drug abuser that the abuse is "okay" or that the harm done is negligible --

but--

You will find PLENTY of sexless partners and "therapists" who will indeed tell their desperate partners that -- that the sex doesn't matter and that the refusal to be a true husband or wife does no harm. They will place the blame SQUARELY on your already aching shoulders, my friends --right where you've most probably placed it at times yourself, you poor things -- me too -- BUT DON'T LET THEM.

I have no grand final remarks, other than to say:

  • It truly sucketh...
  • Your partner is not acting right...
  • It is not your fault. It isn't because you DID or DIDN'T do something that he/she is withholding sex from you...
  • It won't get better...
  • Get out now, or you'll be like me, endlessly hunting on the internet and in magazines for someone who found a way out without really getting out...
  • It will fester in your soul, no matter how long it goes on, as long as you are with the person who has hurt you this way...
  • There are those out there who DO have natural views about sex and who DO like it for what it is, not as some weird control thing or "dirty" thing, and maybe a miracle will happen and you'll meet them somehow, someday...in the meantime, comfort yourself with at least THEY would like to have sex with you...!!!!
  • You are not along...as if that is any help...

And now I'm off to run my 3 miles!!! And then I have a great new hobby to start!

 

deleted deleted 26-30 554 Responses Apr 18, 2008

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Maybe the truth shall set us all free.

I had no idea that there were so many unhappy marriages. I could not imagine life as it is depicted here. We have been married nearly forty (40) years and have never had an argument. While we do not always agree, we have always agreed to "sleep on it". Somehow we managed to respect each others thoughts and resolve the issue. Sex has never been an issue, other than when my ability to perform is in question. We were both virgins when we married as teenagers. We learned about sex<br />
together and have grown together. We had children and now have grandchildren. Each morning when I see her, she is more beautiful than before. She is kind, loving , considerate, understanding and always willing to discuss any subject.<br />
<br />
To keep our sex life special, we have tried many different things for too embarrassing to mention here. Essentially, we have never let each other get bored. She is the only person I have ever had sex with and that is not likely to change. She is the love of my life, my bride.<br />
<br />
So, when I read about so many unhappy marriages, I am speechless. At what moment did everything begin to go wrong? Is it possible to recognize the warning signs and prevent the horror described here? It is very sad that what started out on such a happy note has resulted in such pain. <br />
<br />
I do not know what the answer is, but there must be one. Now, I will go and hold my bride with a whole new appreciation.

Wow. I am glad I found your article. Thank you. You put into words the storms going through me. <br />
<br />
I too live in a sexless marriage. I am in my 30s and am lucky if I get sex once a month. The last time was sometime in September and it was because I approached my husband. Oh, and I am not an ugly duckling. I still turn heads and get hit on by guys. Just not by my guy.<br />
There is never a caress coming from him. Never a kiss for no reason or a spontaneous hug. I sometimes dream of getting pinched in the butt. Silly isn't it. <br />
Now I wished I could say that this the only problem in our marriage of 7 years but it is not. But it is one that makes me feel so unloved. So pushed away. No e-mails or I love yous can take that wall down between us. And I am sure I am not the only one here that has tried to talk about this subject many a times. To only get shut down again. Somehow the subject can't be discussed.<br />
Sometimes I ask myself why do I approach him at night? 99 % of the time he will turn me down anyhow. And lately, the 1 % of the time he can't "finish".<br />
My husband tries to prove to me verbally over and over that I am his other half, that he loves me, but he has no interest in physically showing it to me?<br />
And a new storm is raging through me lately. The one where I wonder if he is really honest about his own sexuality. Is he really straight? <br />
Why I am I tormenting myself for something someone else is doing?

i feel your pain. your husband has a clone and he lives in my neighborhood.

To turn ones spouse down even once is a complete and utter rejection and destruction if all intimacy and connection in the relationship and the end of the marriage. Not to mention bizarre and insane.

Wow. I am glad I found your article. Thank you. You put into words the storms going through me. <br />
<br />
I too live in a sexless marriage. I am in my 30s and am lucky if I get sex once a month. The last time was sometime in September and it was because I approached my husband. Oh, and I am not an ugly duckling. I still turn heads and get hit on by guys. Just not by my guy.<br />
There is never a caress coming from him. Never a kiss for no reason or a spontaneous hug. I sometimes dream of getting pinched in the butt. Silly isn't it. <br />
Now I wished I could say that this the only problem in our marriage of 7 years but it is not. But it is one that makes me feel so unloved. So pushed away. No e-mails or I love yous can take that wall down between us. And I am sure I am not the only one here that has tried to talk about this subject many a times. To only get shut down again. Somehow the subject can't be discussed.<br />
Sometimes I ask myself why do I approach him at night? 99 % of the time he will turn me down anyhow. And lately, the 1 % of the time he can't "finish".<br />
My husband tries to prove to me verbally over and over that I am his other half, that he loves me, but he has no interest in physically showing it to me?<br />
And a new storm is raging through me lately. The one where I wonder if he is really honest about his own sexuality. Is he really straight? <br />
Why I am I tormenting myself for something someone else is doing?

In my experience, a lot of what ails a marriage and leads it to a sexless one can be found simply in emotional baggage held by both parties. Most of these problems are so deeply ingrained in a relationship that only a skilled therapist can unearth them and bring them to light. Once you air out your problems and get over them, you two can become friends again and deal with the sex part of it without all of these negative emotions. I've been reading a book called the "Passionate Marriage" which is wonderfully insightful in truly connecting with others, especially between marriage partners. For example, a lot of people have sex with their eyes closed and focus way too much on the sex as an act. But really, what should come first is the emotional connection....the rest will magically follow. It suggests to have ******* with your eyes open and really tune in to your partner during foreplay by looking into their eyes and reaching into their emotional being. <br />
<br />
That said, my problem goes past this in that I married a man that I have always lacked a sexual connection to. We both mistakenly assumed this would not be a big problem when we got married and that perhaps things would get better. So even after we had dug up and dealt with the emotional hang ups, we are still left with the underlying lack of physical chemistry that is awfully difficult to create if you don't have it to begin with.

Wow!!! Ok ............................YOU made me feel for the first time that I am really not all alone. You have put my feelings all in one story......... Thank YOU!!!

Thanks for this post. Unlike many of the commenters here I'm the one not interested in sex in my relationship and it hurts him, much more than he could ever say. And he doesn't say as we rarely talk about it.

I...I think I love you! That was so amazing and very well written! What can I say? I've been there and I got the hell out. I could not take it and it was destroying me! I had enough, I left and I could not have been happier doing so! My best friend and a male friend both have the same story and both are so much happier for having left, realizing that they deserved better :)

wow i liked what you wrote and i believe many people are dealing with this.

Wow, too depressing, too close to home, too true. Not very happy about being confronted with the truth.

I have no words left in me, no way to express the gratitude I feel for your words. Thank you, thank you, and thank you. I have no word to say what I'm feeling, so I will borrow from the master (Shakespeare)<br />
"Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds" <br />
truth naked, cold, and brutle, but needed

That was an amazing story because it described my life perfectly. It is good to know I am "normal" for all that I did and felt and thought when I was in a sexless marriage. This post is truly remarkable!

Thanks for the merror

I had not seen this post before. It is indeed a priceless article and should be laminated and nailed to the head of every refuser and abuser!<br />
<br />
But my favorite line - "It truly sucketh" ....this puts me on the floor! LOL

After reading some remarks I feel quite similar to many of you. Sex is part of of all of us. When we first start exploring sex we often hear what is correct. Correct for me doesn't mean it's the answer for anyone else. All of us are very different in most thing we do and sex most definitely. Starting out we are one way and ten years down the road we have all changed. Is this because we're bored with the same thing? In the same old way? Bland food need spicing up or it becomes stagnate. We all require new things to keep us viable: stuff, ideas, friends, hobbies etc. If we can't get others to open up how can we change for the better. Hopefully some answers will come to help .

This seems to be a very big issue for a lot of people, thanks for sharing, I will indeed get out of the situation I am currently in , I think I had already decided to do it but just had not affirmed it with my inner self, thank you for this piece, I will let you know when I have escaped and what it is like on the other side my friend !!!!!

You said it all for me... I have been doing these things for almost 2 years now, and I am no kid - I have had relationships where the sex was great, so I know the difference. I would have left before if I hadn't been foolish enough to move abroad to be with this guy, leaving my job, friends, family and future prospects behind. If I still had my own home AT home, I would have moved back after the first year.<br />
Nothing is so wrong, so bad and so destructive to a person than to have someone who says they love you care so little about what love means to you. I have been very close to leaving before, and I know now that I am just lacking the strength to do what I know I must. Loneliness is not cured by staying with a person just to have someone around, however nice they are - loneliness can also come from a bitter disappointment with love and a desparate foolishness to question what you heart already knows is true.

You said it all for me... I have been doing these things for almost 2 years now, and I am no kid - I have had relationships where the sex was great, so I know the difference. I would have left before if I hadn't been foolish enough to move abroad to be with this guy, leaving my job, friends, family and future prospects behind. If I still had my own home AT home, I would have moved back after the first year.<br />
Nothing is so wrong, so bad and so destructive to a person than to have someone who says they love you care so little about what love means to you. I have been very close to leaving before, and I know now that I am just lacking the strength to do what I know I must. Loneliness is not cured by staying with a person just to have someone around, however nice they are - loneliness can also come from a bitter disappointment with love and a desparate foolishness to question what you heart already knows is true.

My partner is passive aggressive, he uses silence as his weapon.<br />
We were down to sex every 4 months or so in our early 30's and it stopped shortly thereafter...<br />
It's happened a couple of times over the last 10 years, usually after I get upset or threaten to leave.<br />
He seems perfectly happy...<br />
I know he's addicted to internet **** and sex chat rooms and that seems to be enough for him.<br />
I doubt he could actually have sex with a woman at this point, his fantasy life has castrated him.<br />
He was my first boyfriend and we were both virgins when we got together and for a while it was fine. I guess the **** slowly changed things.<br />
We don't have kids - you need to have sex to have kids. I'd need donor ***** to get pregnant...<br />
We have a great life in other areas and no one would guess we have this huge disconnect.<br />
He always says things will change, but I think I'll die of old age waiting...<br />
I think it's the emotional distance that hurts me the most, I'm lonely in my marriage - no hugs, kisses - nothing!<br />
I do feel like a door mat...other women would have left years ago...<br />
Thanks for the article - it struck a cord with me.

I totally agree with the writer...when one partner makes a decision for both partners, not to have any type of intimacy at all, I consider this to be one of the greatest insults. After a point, you start developing resentment, and eventually, stop trying to entice them. The little kisses, hugs, and gifts you give, with no positive response in return begins to eat at you like a cancer.I don't particularily give a damn, that my wife says I didn't do anything, it is her. No conseling will truly help, if both partners are not intent on finding a solution to the problem. Her always speaking in an elevated voice does not justify that I am upset, though she seems to feel, that if she yells at me, and I become angry, that justifies her witholding sex. Pushing away any attempt of intimacy, does not solve the problem, but intensifies it. To sum up, I will stay, I will remain angry, I will not attempt to touch her in any way, but also, all the little things I have always done are going to continue to taper off, and she will be satisfied, because I am leaving her alone. There is much more to this story... but at this point, I am not entirely sure, I could express it in an unbiased way. Married 36 years, no sex in 3 years, 1 year before.

I know that I'm extremely late in responding to this post, as it was written almost 2 years ago, but I somehow think that you were talking directly to me. <br />
<br />
I have been SUFFERING in this relationship because my husband doesn't think sexually at all. He can live without it, but I definitely can't. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately for me, I'm am tied down to this relationship because circumstances, and I know for a fact will not improve. I can't force him to desire me, have sexual urges, or view sex as something natural, important, and not "eeky" (as he described it a month within our marriage).

I know that I'm extremely late in responding to this post, as it was written almost 2 years ago, but I somehow think that you were talking directly to me. <br />
<br />
I have been SUFFERING in this relationship because my husband doesn't think sexually at all. He can live without it, but I definitely can't. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately for me, I'm am tied down to this relationship because circumstances, and I know for a fact will not improve. I can't force him to desire me, have sexual urges, or view sex as something natural, important, and not "eeky" (as he described it a month within our marriage).

All those emotions I have felt. Anger, hurt, resentful, all the feeling I've had with almost 19 years of marriage. However I have 2 Great kids I love and would never leave. My wife has been cheating on me with her vibrator for years, we have only had sex 3 times in the last 5 years. I thought I was going to go crazy. I still find her attractive and sexy, but then I go and do a 'man' thing and I am in the dog house again. I decided a couple of years ago I would do something about my pent up sexual desire, and simply eliminate it. You would be amazed how many men have gone down the same road. Drugs, drugs and more drugs. Anti-androgen drugs to eliminate sexual desire. Androcur, Cypertone Acetate, chemical concoctions to completely eliminate desire. And with it finally comes peace...<br />
<br />
I am amazed how many woman suffer in relationships where the man is unwilling. I really thought this was a man’s problem. I gave up trying to entice or initiate anything because I hated rejection. Now with the drugs I rarely **********. At first it was like I lost a brother. Someone who I loved and knew I would miss with his death. But after a period of time the hurt passes and I buried my sexual self. I know that I am a shadow of the man I was. Still fit at 48, but I intentionally killed a part of myself so that I could live with the rest of myself.<br />
<br />
The pain of no intimacy remains a constant reminder of what could have been. So I live a life without passion. I rarely drink, don’t smoke and would otherwise be a decent guys for a passionate woman, but I am here and will remain here. I am sorry that there are so many of us walking the planet with the same desire unfulfilled.

"anti-androgen drugs to eliminate sexual desire. Androcur, Cypertone Acetate, chemical concoctions to completely eliminate desire. And with it finally comes peace..." do these work on women?

I have done the same thing as an unmarried Christian (in other words, a tortured soul. As we can't have sex outside if marriage and it is sin even to think of the intimacy I am suffocating for). Substances and chemicals that destroy health will suppress any sexual function.

First and foremost..there is no way out without getting out. At 56 years of age I know what it means to leave a thirty year marriage. You leave the father of your children. Please do not say you obviously had sex you have two children. I find that to be the most insensitive statement I have ever heard out of another human being. Be that as it may, it's a tough decision to rewrite your life. But short of going crazy and beating yourself over the head year after year, I found it would be in my best interest to start dealing one on one with another person who truly has some desire for relationship and intimacy. It's not an easy road so late in life, but don't shortchange yourself in life. You only live once.

Wow! You have described it perfectly , But here is another side for you to think about ... In my marriage I am not the loved one , ther wife who is cherished ... For the past 20+ years food has been his lover, his passion his addiction ... Yes ..! So much so that he threw me and our marriage under the proverbal bus years ago ... And he rails at me because I won't touch him ! He bemoans the reality that if he were the last man on earth I wouldn't touch him .. He spent 5 months in a rehab facility , in DIAPERS and had the nerve to tell me , if I loved him and knew it was important to him , no matter how repulsed I was , I would give him weekly blow jobs ... Is that b4 or after the nurse changes his diaper , or is he so unaware of the psychological effects his "addiction" wrought on me and our entire family ..? Yes, the addiction is that blind , it only cares for itself... <br />
But I suffer the effectsof being called heartless ... <br />
Lazy maybe yes, I should have left him years ago ... <br />
<br />
There is always another story to consider , always another chapter to learn from , and what seems to an outside eye as one thing , well in truth it is usually totally something other ...<br />
I have learned long ago nevetr to judge anyone ...<br />
<br />
FANTASTIC Topic and I love how you write! Thank you for this oportunity to vent ... and trust me , i held back BIG time :))

well many of us that are refused are in the dark to the big "WHY" we are refused.......if they were honest with us many of us would not be so !@#$

Well let the church say amen!

Well let the church say amen!

I’ve been in a sexless marriage now for nearly a year. The article very much highlights my experience. My wife and I went through turmoil recently, nothing that we did but somehow she has blamed me for everything that’s gone wrong in her life, even aspects that happened before I knew her. This is compounded by a personal crisis she’s going through (mid forties). She has withdrawn sex as well as all forms of touch but she is all smiles about it. She is slowly destroying the marriage and I don’t understand how she can be so bouncy yet so apparently oblivious to the damage she is causing. We have 3 kids and there have been no “third” parties involved, as far as I know. I feel like I’m being punished for things I never did and with no end in sight.

I totally relate !! Awesome to know im not the only person in the world that feels like this or feel like my needs and wants are wrong.

it seems like there are a lot of women out there complaining about husbands or partners that seem to not care. i'm 45, a man, and have been with my girlfriend now my wife for 16 years got married in '07 . in the last 12 years we have NOT had sex, not even on our honeymoon in vegas. it really sucked! 7 nites in vegas, a nice room, on the 30th floor overlooking the *****, and still no SEX. it is so hard to initiate any advances cuz rejection in any form or fashion is devastating! i'm just saying sometimes guys just want to be wanted! in certain cases a married couple should just "LET IT GO" and sometimes the woman should initiate a sexual encounter, therfore relieving the man of all of the agravation and stress of thinking how the hell am i going to have SEX! girls will always be girls though, no one can ever read their minds. i don't know if im staying in this marriage for much longer though, cuz i've already had casual sexual encounters with old girlfriends that don't give a hoot that i'm married. don't get me wrong i love my wife, but i just think that if she found out about the casual encounters i've had she would like probably blame herself. so women out there it is not always the guys fault ! women should feel empowered after all you got the goods men want! i'm a guy! and guys will be guys, and sex is sex, and women will always control who gets it! like it or not!

it seems like there are a lot of women out there complaining about husbands or partners that seem to not care. i'm 45, a man, and have been with my girlfriend now my wife for 16 years got married in '07 . in the last 12 years we have NOT had sex, not even on our honeymoon in vegas. it really sucked! 7 nites in vegas, a nice room, on the 30th floor overlooking the *****, and still no SEX. it is so hard to initiate any advances cuz rejection in any form or fashion is devastating! i'm just saying sometimes guys just want to be wanted! in certain cases a married couple should just "LET IT GO" and sometimes the woman should initiate a sexual encounter, therfore relieving the man of all of the agravation and stress of thinking how the hell am i going to have SEX! girls will always be girls though, no one can ever read their minds. i don't know if im staying in this marriage for much longer though, cuz i've already had casual sexual encounters with old girlfriends that don't give a hoot that i'm married. don't get me wrong i love my wife, but i just think that if she found out about the casual encounters i've had she would like probably blame herself. so women out there it is not always the guys fault ! women should feel empowered after all you got the goods men want! i'm a guy! and guys will be guys, and sex is sex, and women will always control who gets it! like it or not!

Wow - what a wonderful post - the story of my life. Made me laugh and sniffle a bit too - thanks xx

Designguy no one said it was the mans fault... It goes both way.. Obviously

thank you.<br />
I have already decided he can kiss my *** sunny side up/<br />
I am past the point of wanting to go to bed with him.<br />
I did I looked nice I tried coming on to him (MISTAKE) (that stung)<br />
he called me a horndog, (i'm not) and worse of worse he can not get past my belly<br />
I love my belly I never had one before and it feels warm and cozy<br />
<br />
up until oh 6 mos ago he called me his 18 year old

I know god sent me this place, I sooooo need someone to talk to but obviously am very restricted.<br />
I need an opinion last night husband and I were sitting in room with my daughter and her friend. daughter says oh i have breast cancer i'm like u do not its gas. Husband jumps u says here let me see and goes toward her I scream out a name of a very bad person, WHY would he do this? He is a good man although for years we had trouble with his drinking, (I am scared to death of a amale drunk) he quit for about 11 years started again in june did not until last night after kids left to go out did I tell him I knew, at leas then he went to bed and quit trying to pick a fight with me. Even at work my colleagues have said i don't like conflict, well I have found with men they are stronger and can hurt me bad, this same day, i was straightening my hair he opens my robe i have a bra and pants on he grabs my stomach says look at this He is obsessed that for the first time in my life I am not concave then he says try a different bra white is virginal. my big question is do you think his remark to our daughter was out of line? I do, but as of yet have said nothing. I have a boy who needs a year and a half to finish college so I want to try to hold on until then so I saw this group and though ok an idea we will have a sexless marriage until I can leave, It is really the only solution and I will have to do something about the drinking last time I told him if he did it again I was out he KNOWS i have been around alcoholic violent men too long and I want peace.

Do I resemble these bullet points:<br />
<br />
It won't get better...<br />
Get out now, or you'll be like me, endlessly hunting on the internet and in magazines for someone who found a way out without really getting out...<br />
<br />
God Do I resemble these bullet points.

Do I resemble these bullet points:<br />
<br />
It won't get better...<br />
Get out now, or you'll be like me, endlessly hunting on the internet and in magazines for someone who found a way out without really getting out...<br />
<br />
God Do I resemble these bullet points.

What hurts me the most is that I KNOW my wife was very sexual with her boyfriends right before we got married. That means she doesn't want Me sexually, and that is a huge blow to my ego. I married late in life, my only marriage, at the age of 42. My wife had been married once before, she is 5 years younger than I. Within half a year of marriage my wife started ignoring me, pretended not to know what it meant when I had an erection, and complained that when I gave her backrubs, which I do almost every night, I 'always' went straight to her butt. Sorry for being horny, and wanting to have sex with the only woman I will every love and marry. I feel like a sick sex creep, and have now found myself turning to **** in order to **********.........that is 99% of me 'sex' life. So sad, I have been on the short end of sex for most of my life, and I was brutally honest with my wife before we got married concerning how little sex I had had in my life. Might as well have related all that to a brick wall. Sigh

Extremely powerful words... especially if we are still posting to it after almost 2 years. <br />
My husband and i had great sex before we go married.. I accounted the drop of to my stress with the wedding and school, buying a new home and a job I hated. <br />
Then we got pregnant. The whole time I was pregnant.. he looked at me less and less. I was now the mother of his child not the girl he had married. I still feel that way.. the Baby is 14 months. we have sex once a month if Im lucky. And I always have to inisiate it. He doesnt kiss me or cuddle on the couch with me. <br />
Trying to find the courage to leave.. your words really hit home and have given me the words I couldnt find myself. Thank you so much for writting them

you have put down our pain so precisely and well ordered - thankyou for putting into words those feeling that are so gunch wrenchingly tied up in a knot that we can't get them out. Me - I write songs about sexless relationships - maybe I should market them - there seems to be quite an audience here!<br />
What continues to amaze me is that so many of you are women...and I continually think - Why didn't I amrry one of you?? - sometimes I fantasize what it would be like to be with a woman who genuinely likes, desires and craves sex - I actually don't know, in fact I used think that no such woman existed until I read your blogs. All men, I thought and was lead to believe, love sex whereas not all women do. Now it seems I am wrong - this actually makes it more painful - how unfair that we should all end up wih the wrong partners.....why didn't we meet, marry and fornicate happliy, heaps and for the rest of our marriage. <br />
Well - because we need to ask ourselves - if we did meet each other at a party, would we have hit it off.....who knows....probably not....<br />
I'm off to pat the dog....at least he loves me

OMG Jonsboy, you must be reading my mind. I too, have done just about everything on your list. I stopped begging for sex when my stbx told me I sucked in bed. (I never had any complaints before him, and had an active sex life with previous bfs) Earlier in our marriage, as well as before, I believed all of his excuses to not be intimate with me: too hot, too cold, too tired, too busy, too early, too late, try me in the morning, it's too bright in here, my arm hurts, I hae to getup early, blah blah blah. Now he sleeps in the basement and I am tired of crappy pity sex. I decided a few months ago that I would not spend the rest of my life like his. I am 43, attractive, fit, and muscular. I too run at leat a 5K every day--I run away from the anxiety that he provokes in me. <br />
<br />
In the state that I live in, all marital property is divided in half equally except for gifts and inheritance, so I was terrified to divorce him, as I am the one with an actual job. But, WHO CARES! Even if her were very nice and sweet, at the end of the day, I still sleep alone. So buh Bye....<br />
<br />
I thought I had read every last post in this forum--how on earth did I miss one of the best? Eye opening, hed shaking open your damn eyes girl posts? I printed it out and have read it so many times--laughed at my ridiculous rationalization that if I were prettier, thinner, sexier, made more money, cooked better, kept the kids quieter, did more around the house, he would desire me. Yeah right. Well, it's 7:00a.m. here, and I need to get my run in before class today. Gotta Go! Thank you again for your post. Truly eye opening, REAL, sad and funny at the same time! Theresa

Damn! Well said!

Awesome - I think I'm going to have to print this one and keep it - says all the things I want to say to my other half but so much better than me - thanks xx

I have for you the answer. You need to get yourself a nice horny sexbuddy, that you can pound out all those years of frustration out on. From the way it sounds you probably havent ever even gotten that beautiful release for which you so much desire. Id get me a buddy or two and keep it your own personal satisfying outlet, that nobody else knows about. Your obviously very very frustrated you poor thing. You had better get to it too cause life is too short. At least get a toy or something, its a natural human urge that needs tended too and there is just no since in going thru life miserable. Oh and small hint, sorry but he probably has a buddy his self!

THANK YOU THANK YOU,,,,,

You hit the nail on the head. I thought I was alone. All of our married friends have at least 2 kids. So when ever we are at a family/friend function, I tell lies and say that I can't have children. When in fact I can, but I can't get pregnant alone. I do feel that in some ways this is my fault. I saw this coming and yet I decided to stay. 13 years in and the l haven't had sex in over a decade. Well there was that 10 minutes of drunken bliss in Vegas 3 years ago...lolol. It's not funny and I am looking into some hobbies like writing and tae bo. Thanks for sharing your story!!

Oh....how true!!! I'm off to change the oil in my car. LOL

You are good and so right maybe we exagerate the nice guy otherwise qualities because we are too scared or to lazy or too financially screwed to leave.

Wow is all I can say. Until death do you part well I don't even miss my late husband who for 9 years we had no sex. We had no intimacy nothing but it was because I did not want sex with him. He was such a selfish lovemaking je-- that when he came home and nonchalantly said he had hepatitus c due to his young days on crack cocaine, I was so frightened that I would catch it I avoided him like a plague. Thankfully I got a blood test and don't have it. It is a airbourne virus and some people can get it from unprotected sex. It attacks your liver and boy did he change facially , lost lots of weight. Well sometimes no sex in a marriage can save your life.

well dear. i commend you for speaking. everything you said was to the point, exact and yet still we double guess ourselves.. i never married mine but was in love with him for 10 years. we got back together in June and i finally let him go dec 15. just wanted everybody to know that.. its their problem, its their hangup, its their mental meaness, its not us. i finally get it.. i finally get it that its their problem not ours.. and why i went back.. dunno.. they don't change. he was like that 10 years ago and he is still like that.. not wanting sex to the extreme of our stories is NOT normal.. we can shouldve, wouldve coulve all year, all month.. but its not normal. seek help and get out.. they don't change.. a sexless relationship is not normal.... don't justify, don't think about it.. just get out.. we may or may not ever get answers.. its just a sickness-mental problem they have and trust me.. it goes way deeper in them than we could ever imagine...

Again people make a decision. Yes you may love the individual who is not considering your needs. Why stay. If they do not have a terminal decease or something of that nature. Leave give them an ultimatum. Provide you with love and care not gloom and despair. Make a decision I know sometimes finances can be a issue. I stayed with a guy for 9 years who I believe hated me because I chose to live. I would exercise, eat right, go to church where I could meditate on someone who loved me. Yet now he is deceased and I am acting like the living dead. Do you want that ? I am going to get help. He punished me when he was alive. Now I am punishing me. Do you want that . You see when negative, selfish people give negativity don't think its not rubbing off. It does ! It attacks your self worth if you let it via unconscious or conscious .<br />
Choose to live the best life now ? I encourage you !

I am kind of anxious to run into a sexless marriage someday. I have always this thought on my mind that there would be no other girl in the world who I can ever have as crazy sex with like I had with my ex girlfriend. this drives me crazy... it is now over for about 1,5 years. In the meantime, i met a new girl and exactly what i just told you has happened, so we broke up (and for some other reason).

I keep thinking that the lack of sex in a marriage is not the whole of the problem all by itself - It is a symptom of a much deeper problem. There are too many facets to the issue of sexual intimacy to come to the sweeping conclusion that one person is to blame... There is so much to understand about each individual and then how that translates into how 2 flawed people can relate to each other... <br />
It IS hurtful to be rejected sexually - VERY. There could be fear or anger behind that for your spouse - not necessarily because of you but you are the recipient (lucky you...). Your spouse needs to learn acceptance and trust. You can't be the savior because you make mistakes. Your spouse needs someone perfect to believe in in order to heal. Pray for him/her. <br />
And you: You need to know that you are amazing. God doesn't make mistakes and he knew what he was doing when he created you. He delights in you. We reject him repeatedly but He is always there with open arms. And He loves you passionately.

Oh my goodness. I can't read any more posts as there are so many. I am stunned to realize that so many people are in a sexless relationship. And what is also so amazing and so contrary to what the movies and TV show us: it ain't guys who are always hankering for sex (like in "Everybody Loves Raymond") .. but rather, in real life, the guys can go sexless.<br />
<br />
I am in such a relationship as well. When it first started happening (him not wanting sex), he told me that he had a low sex drive. All those frustrated nights lying next to him nearly drove me insane.<br />
<br />
To get over that, ... I got over it. I learnt to be happy, with him, without it. And now ... I AM happy without it. But I might have gone overboard coz I am not only happy but in fact, am FEARFUL should he ever want it again.<br />
<br />
I have managed to get rid of all that frustrated, unfulfilled nights so well that now, it is the LAST thing I want. And he is the same.<br />
<br />
So I must say I am quite happy with the way things are now. We are happy. He is a wonderful person. Really wonderful. The only thing is that little "devil" at the back of my mind telling me that our relationship, as it is, is not normal.

amazing how they can teach us to go without sex

how did you make your own sex drive go away?

Its so awesome to know that there are women out there in the same boat as me, and that I'm not some sexual devient.<br />
Thanks for cutting right to the chase and opening my eyes!!!

I have to agree, I'm afraid. I read a book once called "how to fix your marriage without talking about it", and one of the pieces of advice the women gave was to give your partner sex even if you don't feel like it. I know every feminist out there is freaking out right now (because it tends to be women who withhold), but before you lose it just listen. A relationship is all about compromise. You cook when you really don't feel like it. You go to the inlaw's house when you really don't feel like it. Why should sex be separate from this? If your partner wants it very badly, is it really that much of burden to give it to them? Unless sex is actually causing a person physical pain, I don't understand why they would hurt the person they supposedly love by withholding it. <br />
<br />
Now, I have heard of marriages where both partners really aren't into sex any more. In that case, fine. But I would think it's incredibly rare for any couple under the age of 70!

JUST JOINED AND AT LAST....SOMEWHERE ON THE INTERNET THAT SHOWS ME I AM NOT ALONE! HOWEVER, MY STORY IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT. I WENT OFF SEX MID WAY THROUGH OUR 30 YEAR MARRIAGE. I THINK IT WAS BECAUSE, MAINLY, IF I CME ON TO HIM HE WOULD MAKE AN EXCUSE OR ACT STUPIDLY IN ORDER TO PUT ME OFF. HE LAUGHED WHEN I WORE BEAUTIFUL THINGS TO BED, ETC. I REALISED THE PATTERN OF BEHAVIOUR AFTER MANY YEARS OF EMBARRASMENT. I ACTUALLY THOUGHT I MUST APPEAR TO BE A TRAMP TO HIM FOR COMING ON TO HIM. I STOPPED ASKING FOR OR WANTING SEX. HE SAID I WAS COLD BECAUSE I DIDN'T RSPOND WHEN HE WANTED IT!! WELL, AFTER YEARS OF HIM BECOMING STRONGER AND MORE NEGATIVE AND ME BECOMING SUBSUMED AND WEAKER, I ENDED THE MARRIAGE.<br />
OH MY GOD! INITIALLY I WAS SO RELIEVED. HOWEVER, AFTER A FEW MONTHS I REALISED HE WAS SEEING OTHER MEN. I WAS DEVASTATED. HOW COME? GOD ONLY KNOWS, BUT I REALISED I WOULD D ANYTHING TO GET HIM BACK. IT TOOK MONTHS OF GROVELLING ETC. FINALLY, HE CAME BACK. UNFORTUNATELY, HE IS NOW THE ONE WHO DOESN'T WANT IT. WHEN WE MAKE LOVE IT'S AS IF HE IS DOING ME A FAVOUR. I CONFRONTED HIM AND HE SAID IT ISN'T ANYTHING I AM DOING WRONG, 'IT'S JUST HIM'. HE SAID IT ISN'T HIS AGE OR LIBIDO (AGED 49). SO...I ASK, IS IT THE MEMORY OF THOSE OTHE WOMEN? HE DENIES HAVING SEX WITH THEM BY THE WAY. HE SAYS HE ADORES ME AND NO, IT ISN'T ABOUT OTHERS. SO, CAN SOMEONE OUT THERE TELL ME WHAT IT IS THEN????? I KNOW NOW I CAN'T LIVE WTHOUT HIM....WARTS'N'ALL!! HOWEVER, THE OLD FEELINGS OF LOW SELF-IMAGE ARE RETURNING. I WAS HUMBLED BEFORE, I CAN'T GO THERE AGAIN. CAN ANYONE RELATE AND ADVISE? THIS ARTICLE SHOWS ME THAT SO MANY OTHERS OUT THERE HAVE BEEN THERE AND HAVE THE T-SHIRT....SO PLEASE, HELP ME OUT HERE!

you wrote:
AFTER A FEW MONTHS I REALISED HE WAS SEEING OTHER MEN. I WAS DEVASTATED. HOW COME?

if he is or was seeing other men, why do you waste your time on this one!

I live in a sexless marriage but I love it!

I guess for some living in a sexless marriage is ok, or good even, but not for me. and I was very clear and upfront with my wife about how I had been 'ripped off' in my life, due to women not finding me sexually attractive, and as a result how little sex I had had during the course of my lifetime. My wife's response? She waited until we had been married half a year, and then suddenly was almost NEVER in the mood. Talk about hurt!!!!!!!! I now have to die, be reincarnated, and come back as a woman if I want to have lots of good, hot sex without cheating on my spouse. So now I wait for my death..........

you are a brilliant writer! you just summed up something I know too much about but could never articulate.<br />
am gonna show your post to a friend who will also really really really appreciate it.<br />
thanks.

I have experienced a sexless marriage and it finally ended after I felt my soul was dying. I cannot agree with you more on every single point, sentence and word you wrote here. They are not your friend because they don't give a damn about the anguish and unhappiness you are feeling. What made me finally realize this is when I found myself doing things that I would never do. Looking back now, I think I was trying to fill the void of what he obviously did not feel toward me: Love. I became very confused and started becoming immoral; going to sex clubs having 2 affairs etc..... His display of indifference toward my feelings and needs of affection and love was turning me into a horrible person. Not only was I in jail but it was destroying my morals and everything I believe is right. I started to really hat emyself. I was turning his problems against myself ! Of course, he had some deep inrained emotional problems that also showed itself in how he treated my daughter (who he adopted). I was right about him - he has had nothing to do with my daughter who he raised for 11 years. I've never wrote or talked about this before and am finding as I am writing that I have feeling sof hate. It is themost cruel thing to do to a spouse. I don't date but I will never ever be in that position again. I'll keep my sexuality to myself before anyone does that to me again !

I just read your post and I could have a rare story but it did get better for me. I have a lovely wife that sex to her was a duty. I tried everything that I could think of to get my wife excited about sex. I could tell she would have sex just because I wanted. Once she told me just to take it any time I needed it and she wouldn't say no. I loved my wife but it was getting hard to stay in this situation.<br />
<br />
I lived in this enviroment for a lot of years and now I'm glad that I was patient.<br />
<br />
Some things in my wifes life changed and now she has passion in the bedroom. Now she is open to new things and is sharing fantasies with me. I feel like I have a new wife. We have weekend get aways just to have sex.<br />
<br />
With all that in mind think about this...There could be something in their past, something in their current life or it could be medical. Medication could help.<br />
<br />
Be patient with them and if you truly love them try to find a solution.

You do have this right. True true true.

Desperate times. Oi heard of a vibrator or you could hire a male *****.

it's about the intimacy. not a vibrator.

why haven't you left?

OH BOY.<br />
and that's just the opener.<br />
guilty,or not,<br />
good guy,or not,<br />
right/fair,or not.<br />
depends on your gender in relation to the complainant.<br />
<br />
would i stay in this kind of relationship?<br />
<br />
well,yes.<br />
i am,and i will,<br />
because,<br />
put simply,<br />
i got used to it,<br />
i'm 56 now,<br />
sure,i can still do it,<br />
but it's not so important now.<br />
we don't talk much either,<br />
but we don't argue.<br />
and life goes on.<br />
wish i'd left years ago,<br />
but i didn't.<br />
<br />
good luck y'all.<br />
<br />
erix.

I am married to someone 18 years older than me. I knew the age gap would eventually impact our sex life but did not count on it happening a year into our 9 year marriage. I am only 44. My husband is the sweetest, most adoring, attentive, loving man to me, but he is not interested in sex. I was raised to see my husband as my all, someone to uphold, respect and depend on. He has been a good, generous provider to me, and to my sons from a previous relationship. He legally adopted them and has treated them as his own at the get-go. We have a very, happy family.<br />
<br />
People around us tell me how lucky I am to be so spoiled and adored by my husband - not knowing that I, who have always had very healthy sexual appetitie and a very outgoing, gregarious personality have been living without sex for 8 years now.<br />
<br />
I've cried, ranted, threatened, pleaded for him to seek help, do something, show me he wants to help me in this frustration, but after one prescription of Viagra (which he took and fell asleep with), promises to seek counselling or medical help, there has been no change.<br />
<br />
I do not know anymore if indeed it is love I feel for him - for sure, it is immense gratitude. And my not wanting to rock what appears to be a stable family life. But as I look into a future of this, I feel life draining out of me. Tears fall as I see many more years of living the life of a 62-70 woman while in my 40s and 50s. Is this the price I pay for the security (now not as good given our current financial woes with this bad economy)? <br />
<br />
I will not be able to forgive myself for wounding this man who has only loved and taken care of me. What am I to do???? I've rationalized two affairs with this excuse. I know I have to do something before this ends up hurting the people I love.

I was not in a sexless marriage but I was in a sexless relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years, and I was the cause. During the first 10 months, we had sex a lot, but then I started to realize he wasn't Mr. Right so the sex slowly started to decline. He was, to put it bluntly, lazy, dumb, and fat, as well as young and inexperienced in bed. I wanted to make things work with him, but I couldn't, and I mistakenly let the relationship last for 3 years, when it should have lasted only ten. I was too much of a coward to break it off, so I started using him as a best friend instead of a boyfriend, which was really unfair to him. So if your wife or girlfriend is not having sex with you it's probably because she thinks you're not 'the one' for her or you're not attractive enough, or both. This guy is right, get out soon because it will never get better.

well you got it right every body can beat there self up but i think it's the not knowing why it stopped. That bother's a person it seems to just slip away .You cant fix it by your self and there not going to help .it's time to face up and move on .are keep living like you are .Dustman

BRAVO! You have summed up what I lived with for 20 years.<br />
To those of you who are hoping it will change, well, all I can tell you is in my opinion, NO, NO, NO, a thousand times, no. It will not change. You cannot "talk" a person into wanting more sex any more than you can make a leopard change its spots. <br />
<br />
If there is any encouragement I can offer, it is this.<br />
<br />
You do NOT have to live like this.<br />
You CAN leave. <br />
You CAN find somebody else.<br />
You CAN look back, just a few years from now, and realize that you<br />
wasted years and years in pain, but that you aren't wasting any more.<br />
<br />
After 21 years of hardly any sex, and having that cast a sad pall over my hobbies, my children,<br />
my jobs --- basically ruining everything by putting a damper on it ---<br />
I got OUT. I divorced. It was gut-wrenching to go through with it.<br />
I am a conservative guy. I don't like change. I never imagined myself being divorced.<br />
<br />
But I have the most wonderful girlfriend in the whole world now. I discovered that there IS<br />
a girl for me - somebody who sees sex as a crucial, basic part of human life and happiness, who realizes that marriage without sex is no marriage at all (who wants a "roommate"???)<br />
She is my dearest friend, my playmate, my partner. AND she is a lover to me, a comfort to me,<br />
a source of passion and desire for me. <br />
<br />
If you have spent 20 years hoping it will change, it will NOT. Don't wake up 20 years from now,<br />
and realize you have wasted 40 years instead of changing your life. DO IT.

BRAVO! You have summed up what I lived with for 20 years.<br />
To those of you who are hoping it will change, well, all I can tell you is in my opinion, NO, NO, NO, a thousand times, no. It will not change. You cannot "talk" a person into wanting more sex any more than you can make a leopard change its spots. <br />
<br />
If there is any encouragement I can offer, it is this.<br />
<br />
You do NOT have to live like this.<br />
You CAN leave. <br />
You CAN find somebody else.<br />
You CAN look back, just a few years from now, and realize that you<br />
wasted years and years in pain, but that you aren't wasting any more.<br />
<br />
After 21 years of hardly any sex, and having that cast a sad pall over my hobbies, my children,<br />
my jobs --- basically ruining everything by putting a damper on it ---<br />
I got OUT. I divorced. It was gut-wrenching to go through with it.<br />
I am a conservative guy. I don't like change. I never imagined myself being divorced.<br />
<br />
But I have the most wonderful girlfriend in the whole world now. I discovered that there IS<br />
a girl for me - somebody who sees sex as a crucial, basic part of human life and happiness, who realizes that marriage without sex is no marriage at all (who wants a "roommate"???)<br />
She is my dearest friend, my playmate, my partner. AND she is a lover to me, a comfort to me,<br />
a source of passion and desire for me. <br />
<br />
If you have spent 20 years hoping it will change, it will NOT. Don't wake up 20 years from now,<br />
and realize you have wasted 40 years instead of changing your life. DO IT.

It was like you read my mind when you wrote that eloquent post. We have been married for over 37 years. About 10 years ago, she pursued several affairs with other men (she swears to this day that "nothing ever happened"), I found out, forgave her, and our marriage continued without further incident until... she entered menopause, gained much weight, and completely lost her sex drive about 5 years ago. I recovered from a serious illness and developed arthritis shortly after her lost libido. My sex drive never left me. Despite my too numerous to count advances and attempts at intimacy, she decided that our sex lives were over. At some point several years ago, I stopped trying which resulted in no acts of love (e.g. kissing, hugging) in return. My thoughts were, what is the point? Needless to say, she commented occasionally about my change in behavior and I replied with "show me some love and I will reciprocate." Frankly, I just stopped loving her.<br />
<br />
She relies on me for all her support and she has not worked outside the home for over 20 years. To lessen my guilt, I give her everything she needs and most everything she wants. As you can imagine, most of our lives and all of our many belongings (two houses and a small business in which I am the only contributor) are entangled. Of course, none of that changed her behavior and she was content with the status quo. Until recently... I was looking at a **** site after she went to bed and fell asleep at the keyboard (must have been exciting, huh? LOL) She awoke, found me sleeping and the **** site on my computer screen. She made a major case out of it and I tried to explain that a man needs to get some relief somewhere. She escalated the argument several days later and demanded to know if I loved her. Honestly, I could not answer yes. To make matters worse, our oldest son is fighting a battle against cancer and is dependent on us until he beats it. Then, this past week her 91 year-old father passed away and I was not able to accompany her due to caring for our son. She feels all alone and nothing I say can comfort her.<br />
<br />
I am willing to try to make the marriage work if we both receive counseling to change our behaviors. She thinks that it is impossible to make someone love you if they don't (she may be right). However, like many others have stated here, there is so much invested in this relationship and it seems hopeless not to try. It is not clear if she will ever get past the issue of me not being to state that I love her. Ironic that I was the one trying to save the marriage after her indiscretions 10 years ago. What a mess!

Wow! It's sad to see how much anger you have inside you, due to something no one can control.<br />
<br />
I believe people are not meant to be together for a lifetime. I also believe some sort of love is present among those together for many years, but they are the vast minority. I believe people just get bored with the same sex partner and reach a time when they seek something different. A different person to talk to, a different body to "feel", a "new" person to make love to, and even a new face to look at. It's no one's fault really, I believe it's just the way it is. <br />
<br />
I am certain you look fantastic to someone who is out there, they will see you as funny, exciting, sexy as hell, and extremely "ravageable". From all the running you're doing I'm certain you can make a few even drewl :-) We men are, on the most part, a sex animal. WE make love because we're horny and the person we have in front of us looks sexy as hell, "love" has nothing to do with it. Sorry, but that's a fact. <br />
<br />
So stop wasting your time being angry and lonely and look for a new partner.

All That Glitters...... Great story. Do not know or care about your gender, but i see your sad story as my own. I could not have written it better. My heart is with you.<br />
<br />
And I thought I was the only one.............

Beautifully written. Amazingly expressed. I felt as if I were reading my own thoughts. There are a lot of us out here that "go along" through this life telling ourselves that it's "not that important" or that we should just be happy with what we have. <br />
<br />
I will not allow this man I've brought into my life to make me feel unwanted, unappreciated and unattractive for the rest of my life. If there is no light at the end of the tunnel I will create one. Once my children are out of the house and are living their own productive lives, I will move on. <br />
<br />
I can't say it's an unhappy marriage. We actually have a lot of fun together. There is, however, no affection and sex is extremely rare (two to three times a year) and I can't live that way. I'm a healthy woman who enjoys (well, enjoyed) my sex life. I miss my sex life like I miss my 24 inch waist. Who knows, maybe I can get them both back :o)<br />
<br />
Blessings Everyone~

I too live in a relatively sexless marriage. We have not had sex since 12/09. We go months at a time without having intercourse. He wants another baby and wants me to use an ovulation kit so we can plan sex. I told him I don't want a baby if we have to plan sex. I shop when I am bored and hurt, I feel if I make myself look better I will feel better about myself. I try on the new things I bought and I still feel "ugly". Then I'll drink nearly a bottle of wine and surf the net so I don't have to talk to him. He won't even sit on the same couch as me so watching TV with him depresses me even worse. Then he tells me I'm disgusting because I drank the wine. It is a vicious cycle I live. I have a 2 year old and would like to try and make this work. I'm partly to blame too - surely there is something I can do to make this work! I just feel he loathes me with his entire being. I feel I disgust him and don't know why. I am successful and fairly attractive. I agree with the above post, once my daughter is grown I will leave, but how do I survive the next 16 years? Will prozac help?

I am continually amazed and moved by the profound depth of the human soul.

Thank you....I'm so grateful to read other people are going through this - that I'm not crazy. I laughed out loud with all the hobbies ...I felt like it was me. I appreciated the insight and the honesty. Now, what to do about it? That really is the question for me.

The question really isn't "what to do". You already know the answer and you have known it for a while. The question is "when to do it".

Im in a marriage that has gone down hill in the sex dept. Not because of him not wanting to give it. Because he had a brain anerysem. He had a bubble in his blood vessel instead of his penis.<br />
Now that the operation is over and has been for 10 yrs we still have little. If you say 3 times a yr is a sex life. I feel the same as you at times. If I could support myself I would be gone. But I worked 33 yrs and now in my 50's would find it hard to be on my own. I'm like you and others trying to feel loved and appreciated. Theres always someything to drag us down and dog one another. I hate it. There is love but sex is not mean't to be. Now what?

that was great. Im in a sexless relationship. Well, my bf (coming up for 5 years now) and I have had sex twice in the last year. Oh man...... Im really saddened. I love sex. At first I thought he didn't fancy me anymore - then he kept saying that he was just tired. the rejection was horrid.<br />
You're right. We should not be kept denied like this. It s cruel. It not kind. And if you love someone, surely you want them to be happy. (which is why Im not throwing myself at him anymore, cos i want him to be happy - but there must be give and take aye!!! <br />
I've had to give him a blow job on the odd occasion. I had a joke with some girlfriends about this actually ie: How would he react if I went to his house and said "Ooooh, give us a m**f dive will ya" - oooh that was nice - thanks. Night then, see you tomorrow"<br />
But I m gagging for sex in all honesty!!!! What a total noncy pig he is!!!!!

I think sex in a relationship has to be communicated everyday, its just like thinking or anticipating what you have to cook for meals for the day, or how much bill you have to pay for this month, or etc.it should be communicated to the partner. i cant just wait and see when will my partner be available or desire for sex or else i'll be waiting for the whole year for her to do that. it's not an obligation, but it should be part of an everyday conversation to keep the fire burning. Open communication then will reveal what are the loopholes as well as the desirable for each partner to satisfy each other.

Very well said.I am glad I found others like me out there.

gotta comment that ,you should be careful just how much you expose to the internet world about your raw emotion. quite possibly you may be crazy...people dont like to have sex with crazy people.

This spoke directly to what I just left after 12 years..Wow thanks 4 your honesty.Blown away by your honesty...Thank you....

my outlet is a vibrator no one has to know about it and it is a sweet kind of relief that he cant give you

same feelings, month after month, year after year...I have the same situation and feel like I am nothing, better to say goodbye even with children before is too late, empty days, empty nights and the desire like fire inside can not be ignored , sad and real for many of us, like a never ending empty life

well, some can say that sex is not all..but....I am a man, 49 yo and still want it and need it as if I could be 20..what I have to do then? cut it and leave it in the freezer? or look for a new partner!!??<br />
more than a year with no sex and sleeping now in different beds....<br />
sex is very important, i´ve been loyal all this time, but can not have an empty life and dream about the past days when I feel young

You write beautifully. Drop the crochet and consider doing it professionally.

im in a sexless marriage But i am also in another state and will be for the next 4 months nether one of us denies sex to each other but when we get to see each we do have sex so i guess i am sorta in a no sex marriage but that is the downside to a military life