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All That Glitters...

I have read many of the stories here, and many seem to run along a typical theme. I am going to add my thoughts to those who are living in a sexless marriage, as I am, but who also speak of love and friendship with their partners -- who say they have a wonderful, warm marriage, indeed -- except for that little thing called "no sex."

I have some news for you. I think you should re-examine just how sweet and loving your partners really are...

I don't know too many people who would classify as "caring" or "warm" or "sweet" or "good" those actions that do real harm to another, except those who are desperate to find some "silver lining" to a sad situation.

  • Denying your partner sex is not a sweet and friendly thing to do.
  • Knowing a partner is miserable because of no sexual expression, and not doing anything to alleviate this, is not sweet.
  • Friends don't do malicious secretive passive things to their friends, and then put on an air of innocence about it..."Oh, my total lack of caring for your frustration and misery...my refusal to ever broach the subject or to stir myself to DO ANYTHING about it...oh, that upsets you? I had no idea! And now I will do *nothing* to change this situation except possibly ignore it even more, or for a change of pace, blame you!"

B.S.!!!

I've been where most of you are.

  • I tried to see things differently.
  • I tried to "do without" and do it with grace.
  • I tried to change myself in the hope of enticing my partner.
  • I tried to change my innermost feelings from sad and angry to something "positive."
  • I tried to tell myself that it was my fault.
  • I tried to tell myself it didn't matter, really, when one is with such a warm and loving partner (except for the bit about NO SEX).
  • I tried hobbies. I can weave, knit, crochet, brew beer, frame a house, build a wagon, hand-tame wild birds, grow giant pumpkins, make rope, cast pewter figurines, win at darts, and much much more. Blah.
  • I ran long distances, physically and mentally, to try to run off my desires and energies.
  • I told myself I was bad and evil.
  • I told myself I was pathetic to be 35...40...45...49 and still wanting to have sex.
  • I said so many rosaries that even the Pope asked me to stop.

And then...

  • I begged...
  • I screamed...
  • I broke my hand by slamming it against MY OWN HEAD, duh.
  • I wrote reams of letters about it...
  • I cried...until I was sick...many times...
  • I threw myself on the floor and knocked my head against it and said I would do anything, anything he said if he'd just tell me what the reason was for his lack of interest...
  • I said I was sorry approximately 100,000 times for being "bad" and "being demanding and shallow..."
  • I said I was so sorry even more times for being such a bad person as to put "something as minor as sex" above his lovely warmth and goodness as a partner...

Is anyone getting the picture?

Those who ignore your anguish, who place the blame on you, or who let you place blame on yourself, those who do nothing to stop this misery of your heart, THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND, they are NOT loving people. So, to add to your problems, you're either living with a really passively mean person or a psycho.

Would YOU stay in a marriage where BECAUSE OF YOUR BEHAVIOR your partner was desperate and sad and in anguish?

Would you sit back and let YOUR partner be in such misery about something YOU did or didn't do?

No, you wouldn't.

You know, those who are drug abusers, alcohol abusers -- they don't care about what they are doing to their husbands or wives -- they don't see it, they don't accept it -- if you tell them they are hurting you, they don't buy it -- their abuse is "not the cause" of any terrible consequences -- there is NO getting through to them -- but no one, not one therapist in the world, no matter HOW lousy (and most are REALLY f-ing lousy), would tell the drug abuser that the abuse is "okay" or that the harm done is negligible --

but--

You will find PLENTY of sexless partners and "therapists" who will indeed tell their desperate partners that -- that the sex doesn't matter and that the refusal to be a true husband or wife does no harm. They will place the blame SQUARELY on your already aching shoulders, my friends --right where you've most probably placed it at times yourself, you poor things -- me too -- BUT DON'T LET THEM.

I have no grand final remarks, other than to say:

  • It truly sucketh...
  • Your partner is not acting right...
  • It is not your fault. It isn't because you DID or DIDN'T do something that he/she is withholding sex from you...
  • It won't get better...
  • Get out now, or you'll be like me, endlessly hunting on the internet and in magazines for someone who found a way out without really getting out...
  • It will fester in your soul, no matter how long it goes on, as long as you are with the person who has hurt you this way...
  • There are those out there who DO have natural views about sex and who DO like it for what it is, not as some weird control thing or "dirty" thing, and maybe a miracle will happen and you'll meet them somehow, someday...in the meantime, comfort yourself with at least THEY would like to have sex with you...!!!!
  • You are not along...as if that is any help...

And now I'm off to run my 3 miles!!! And then I have a great new hobby to start!

 

deleted deleted 26-30 551 Responses Apr 18, 2008

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Maybe the truth shall set us all free.

I had no idea that there were so many unhappy marriages. I could not imagine life as it is depicted here. We have been married nearly forty (40) years and have never had an argument. While we do not always agree, we have always agreed to "sleep on it". Somehow we managed to respect each others thoughts and resolve the issue. Sex has never been an issue, other than when my ability to perform is in question. We were both virgins when we married as teenagers. We learned about sex<br />
together and have grown together. We had children and now have grandchildren. Each morning when I see her, she is more beautiful than before. She is kind, loving , considerate, understanding and always willing to discuss any subject.<br />
<br />
To keep our sex life special, we have tried many different things for too embarrassing to mention here. Essentially, we have never let each other get bored. She is the only person I have ever had sex with and that is not likely to change. She is the love of my life, my bride.<br />
<br />
So, when I read about so many unhappy marriages, I am speechless. At what moment did everything begin to go wrong? Is it possible to recognize the warning signs and prevent the horror described here? It is very sad that what started out on such a happy note has resulted in such pain. <br />
<br />
I do not know what the answer is, but there must be one. Now, I will go and hold my bride with a whole new appreciation.

Wow. I am glad I found your article. Thank you. You put into words the storms going through me. <br />
<br />
I too live in a sexless marriage. I am in my 30s and am lucky if I get sex once a month. The last time was sometime in September and it was because I approached my husband. Oh, and I am not an ugly duckling. I still turn heads and get hit on by guys. Just not by my guy.<br />
There is never a caress coming from him. Never a kiss for no reason or a spontaneous hug. I sometimes dream of getting pinched in the butt. Silly isn't it. <br />
Now I wished I could say that this the only problem in our marriage of 7 years but it is not. But it is one that makes me feel so unloved. So pushed away. No e-mails or I love yous can take that wall down between us. And I am sure I am not the only one here that has tried to talk about this subject many a times. To only get shut down again. Somehow the subject can't be discussed.<br />
Sometimes I ask myself why do I approach him at night? 99 % of the time he will turn me down anyhow. And lately, the 1 % of the time he can't "finish".<br />
My husband tries to prove to me verbally over and over that I am his other half, that he loves me, but he has no interest in physically showing it to me?<br />
And a new storm is raging through me lately. The one where I wonder if he is really honest about his own sexuality. Is he really straight? <br />
Why I am I tormenting myself for something someone else is doing?

i feel your pain. your husband has a clone and he lives in my neighborhood.

To turn ones spouse down even once is a complete and utter rejection and destruction if all intimacy and connection in the relationship and the end of the marriage. Not to mention bizarre and insane.

Wow. I am glad I found your article. Thank you. You put into words the storms going through me. <br />
<br />
I too live in a sexless marriage. I am in my 30s and am lucky if I get sex once a month. The last time was sometime in September and it was because I approached my husband. Oh, and I am not an ugly duckling. I still turn heads and get hit on by guys. Just not by my guy.<br />
There is never a caress coming from him. Never a kiss for no reason or a spontaneous hug. I sometimes dream of getting pinched in the butt. Silly isn't it. <br />
Now I wished I could say that this the only problem in our marriage of 7 years but it is not. But it is one that makes me feel so unloved. So pushed away. No e-mails or I love yous can take that wall down between us. And I am sure I am not the only one here that has tried to talk about this subject many a times. To only get shut down again. Somehow the subject can't be discussed.<br />
Sometimes I ask myself why do I approach him at night? 99 % of the time he will turn me down anyhow. And lately, the 1 % of the time he can't "finish".<br />
My husband tries to prove to me verbally over and over that I am his other half, that he loves me, but he has no interest in physically showing it to me?<br />
And a new storm is raging through me lately. The one where I wonder if he is really honest about his own sexuality. Is he really straight? <br />
Why I am I tormenting myself for something someone else is doing?

In my experience, a lot of what ails a marriage and leads it to a sexless one can be found simply in emotional baggage held by both parties. Most of these problems are so deeply ingrained in a relationship that only a skilled therapist can unearth them and bring them to light. Once you air out your problems and get over them, you two can become friends again and deal with the sex part of it without all of these negative emotions. I've been reading a book called the "Passionate Marriage" which is wonderfully insightful in truly connecting with others, especially between marriage partners. For example, a lot of people have sex with their eyes closed and focus way too much on the sex as an act. But really, what should come first is the emotional connection....the rest will magically follow. It suggests to have ******* with your eyes open and really tune in to your partner during foreplay by looking into their eyes and reaching into their emotional being. <br />
<br />
That said, my problem goes past this in that I married a man that I have always lacked a sexual connection to. We both mistakenly assumed this would not be a big problem when we got married and that perhaps things would get better. So even after we had dug up and dealt with the emotional hang ups, we are still left with the underlying lack of physical chemistry that is awfully difficult to create if you don't have it to begin with.

Wow!!! Ok ............................YOU made me feel for the first time that I am really not all alone. You have put my feelings all in one story......... Thank YOU!!!

Thanks for this post. Unlike many of the commenters here I'm the one not interested in sex in my relationship and it hurts him, much more than he could ever say. And he doesn't say as we rarely talk about it.

I...I think I love you! That was so amazing and very well written! What can I say? I've been there and I got the hell out. I could not take it and it was destroying me! I had enough, I left and I could not have been happier doing so! My best friend and a male friend both have the same story and both are so much happier for having left, realizing that they deserved better :)

wow i liked what you wrote and i believe many people are dealing with this.

Wow, too depressing, too close to home, too true. Not very happy about being confronted with the truth.

I have no words left in me, no way to express the gratitude I feel for your words. Thank you, thank you, and thank you. I have no word to say what I'm feeling, so I will borrow from the master (Shakespeare)<br />
"Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds" <br />
truth naked, cold, and brutle, but needed

That was an amazing story because it described my life perfectly. It is good to know I am "normal" for all that I did and felt and thought when I was in a sexless marriage. This post is truly remarkable!

Thanks for the merror

I had not seen this post before. It is indeed a priceless article and should be laminated and nailed to the head of every refuser and abuser!<br />
<br />
But my favorite line - "It truly sucketh" ....this puts me on the floor! LOL

After reading some remarks I feel quite similar to many of you. Sex is part of of all of us. When we first start exploring sex we often hear what is correct. Correct for me doesn't mean it's the answer for anyone else. All of us are very different in most thing we do and sex most definitely. Starting out we are one way and ten years down the road we have all changed. Is this because we're bored with the same thing? In the same old way? Bland food need spicing up or it becomes stagnate. We all require new things to keep us viable: stuff, ideas, friends, hobbies etc. If we can't get others to open up how can we change for the better. Hopefully some answers will come to help .

This seems to be a very big issue for a lot of people, thanks for sharing, I will indeed get out of the situation I am currently in , I think I had already decided to do it but just had not affirmed it with my inner self, thank you for this piece, I will let you know when I have escaped and what it is like on the other side my friend !!!!!

You said it all for me... I have been doing these things for almost 2 years now, and I am no kid - I have had relationships where the sex was great, so I know the difference. I would have left before if I hadn't been foolish enough to move abroad to be with this guy, leaving my job, friends, family and future prospects behind. If I still had my own home AT home, I would have moved back after the first year.<br />
Nothing is so wrong, so bad and so destructive to a person than to have someone who says they love you care so little about what love means to you. I have been very close to leaving before, and I know now that I am just lacking the strength to do what I know I must. Loneliness is not cured by staying with a person just to have someone around, however nice they are - loneliness can also come from a bitter disappointment with love and a desparate foolishness to question what you heart already knows is true.

You said it all for me... I have been doing these things for almost 2 years now, and I am no kid - I have had relationships where the sex was great, so I know the difference. I would have left before if I hadn't been foolish enough to move abroad to be with this guy, leaving my job, friends, family and future prospects behind. If I still had my own home AT home, I would have moved back after the first year.<br />
Nothing is so wrong, so bad and so destructive to a person than to have someone who says they love you care so little about what love means to you. I have been very close to leaving before, and I know now that I am just lacking the strength to do what I know I must. Loneliness is not cured by staying with a person just to have someone around, however nice they are - loneliness can also come from a bitter disappointment with love and a desparate foolishness to question what you heart already knows is true.

My partner is passive aggressive, he uses silence as his weapon.<br />
We were down to sex every 4 months or so in our early 30's and it stopped shortly thereafter...<br />
It's happened a couple of times over the last 10 years, usually after I get upset or threaten to leave.<br />
He seems perfectly happy...<br />
I know he's addicted to internet **** and sex chat rooms and that seems to be enough for him.<br />
I doubt he could actually have sex with a woman at this point, his fantasy life has castrated him.<br />
He was my first boyfriend and we were both virgins when we got together and for a while it was fine. I guess the **** slowly changed things.<br />
We don't have kids - you need to have sex to have kids. I'd need donor ***** to get pregnant...<br />
We have a great life in other areas and no one would guess we have this huge disconnect.<br />
He always says things will change, but I think I'll die of old age waiting...<br />
I think it's the emotional distance that hurts me the most, I'm lonely in my marriage - no hugs, kisses - nothing!<br />
I do feel like a door mat...other women would have left years ago...<br />
Thanks for the article - it struck a cord with me.

I totally agree with the writer...when one partner makes a decision for both partners, not to have any type of intimacy at all, I consider this to be one of the greatest insults. After a point, you start developing resentment, and eventually, stop trying to entice them. The little kisses, hugs, and gifts you give, with no positive response in return begins to eat at you like a cancer.I don't particularily give a damn, that my wife says I didn't do anything, it is her. No conseling will truly help, if both partners are not intent on finding a solution to the problem. Her always speaking in an elevated voice does not justify that I am upset, though she seems to feel, that if she yells at me, and I become angry, that justifies her witholding sex. Pushing away any attempt of intimacy, does not solve the problem, but intensifies it. To sum up, I will stay, I will remain angry, I will not attempt to touch her in any way, but also, all the little things I have always done are going to continue to taper off, and she will be satisfied, because I am leaving her alone. There is much more to this story... but at this point, I am not entirely sure, I could express it in an unbiased way. Married 36 years, no sex in 3 years, 1 year before.

I know that I'm extremely late in responding to this post, as it was written almost 2 years ago, but I somehow think that you were talking directly to me. <br />
<br />
I have been SUFFERING in this relationship because my husband doesn't think sexually at all. He can live without it, but I definitely can't. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately for me, I'm am tied down to this relationship because circumstances, and I know for a fact will not improve. I can't force him to desire me, have sexual urges, or view sex as something natural, important, and not "eeky" (as he described it a month within our marriage).

I know that I'm extremely late in responding to this post, as it was written almost 2 years ago, but I somehow think that you were talking directly to me. <br />
<br />
I have been SUFFERING in this relationship because my husband doesn't think sexually at all. He can live without it, but I definitely can't. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately for me, I'm am tied down to this relationship because circumstances, and I know for a fact will not improve. I can't force him to desire me, have sexual urges, or view sex as something natural, important, and not "eeky" (as he described it a month within our marriage).

All those emotions I have felt. Anger, hurt, resentful, all the feeling I've had with almost 19 years of marriage. However I have 2 Great kids I love and would never leave. My wife has been cheating on me with her vibrator for years, we have only had sex 3 times in the last 5 years. I thought I was going to go crazy. I still find her attractive and sexy, but then I go and do a 'man' thing and I am in the dog house again. I decided a couple of years ago I would do something about my pent up sexual desire, and simply eliminate it. You would be amazed how many men have gone down the same road. Drugs, drugs and more drugs. Anti-androgen drugs to eliminate sexual desire. Androcur, Cypertone Acetate, chemical concoctions to completely eliminate desire. And with it finally comes peace...<br />
<br />
I am amazed how many woman suffer in relationships where the man is unwilling. I really thought this was a man’s problem. I gave up trying to entice or initiate anything because I hated rejection. Now with the drugs I rarely **********. At first it was like I lost a brother. Someone who I loved and knew I would miss with his death. But after a period of time the hurt passes and I buried my sexual self. I know that I am a shadow of the man I was. Still fit at 48, but I intentionally killed a part of myself so that I could live with the rest of myself.<br />
<br />
The pain of no intimacy remains a constant reminder of what could have been. So I live a life without passion. I rarely drink, don’t smoke and would otherwise be a decent guys for a passionate woman, but I am here and will remain here. I am sorry that there are so many of us walking the planet with the same desire unfulfilled.

"anti-androgen drugs to eliminate sexual desire. Androcur, Cypertone Acetate, chemical concoctions to completely eliminate desire. And with it finally comes peace..." do these work on women?

I have done the same thing as an unmarried Christian (in other words, a tortured soul. As we can't have sex outside if marriage and it is sin even to think of the intimacy I am suffocating for). Substances and chemicals that destroy health will suppress any sexual function.

First and foremost..there is no way out without getting out. At 56 years of age I know what it means to leave a thirty year marriage. You leave the father of your children. Please do not say you obviously had sex you have two children. I find that to be the most insensitive statement I have ever heard out of another human being. Be that as it may, it's a tough decision to rewrite your life. But short of going crazy and beating yourself over the head year after year, I found it would be in my best interest to start dealing one on one with another person who truly has some desire for relationship and intimacy. It's not an easy road so late in life, but don't shortchange yourself in life. You only live once.

Wow! You have described it perfectly , But here is another side for you to think about ... In my marriage I am not the loved one , ther wife who is cherished ... For the past 20+ years food has been his lover, his passion his addiction ... Yes ..! So much so that he threw me and our marriage under the proverbal bus years ago ... And he rails at me because I won't touch him ! He bemoans the reality that if he were the last man on earth I wouldn't touch him .. He spent 5 months in a rehab facility , in DIAPERS and had the nerve to tell me , if I loved him and knew it was important to him , no matter how repulsed I was , I would give him weekly blow jobs ... Is that b4 or after the nurse changes his diaper , or is he so unaware of the psychological effects his "addiction" wrought on me and our entire family ..? Yes, the addiction is that blind , it only cares for itself... <br />
But I suffer the effectsof being called heartless ... <br />
Lazy maybe yes, I should have left him years ago ... <br />
<br />
There is always another story to consider , always another chapter to learn from , and what seems to an outside eye as one thing , well in truth it is usually totally something other ...<br />
I have learned long ago nevetr to judge anyone ...<br />
<br />
FANTASTIC Topic and I love how you write! Thank you for this oportunity to vent ... and trust me , i held back BIG time :))

well many of us that are refused are in the dark to the big "WHY" we are refused.......if they were honest with us many of us would not be so !@#$

Well let the church say amen!

Well let the church say amen!

I’ve been in a sexless marriage now for nearly a year. The article very much highlights my experience. My wife and I went through turmoil recently, nothing that we did but somehow she has blamed me for everything that’s gone wrong in her life, even aspects that happened before I knew her. This is compounded by a personal crisis she’s going through (mid forties). She has withdrawn sex as well as all forms of touch but she is all smiles about it. She is slowly destroying the marriage and I don’t understand how she can be so bouncy yet so apparently oblivious to the damage she is causing. We have 3 kids and there have been no “third” parties involved, as far as I know. I feel like I’m being punished for things I never did and with no end in sight.

I totally relate !! Awesome to know im not the only person in the world that feels like this or feel like my needs and wants are wrong.

it seems like there are a lot of women out there complaining about husbands or partners that seem to not care. i'm 45, a man, and have been with my girlfriend now my wife for 16 years got married in '07 . in the last 12 years we have NOT had sex, not even on our honeymoon in vegas. it really sucked! 7 nites in vegas, a nice room, on the 30th floor overlooking the *****, and still no SEX. it is so hard to initiate any advances cuz rejection in any form or fashion is devastating! i'm just saying sometimes guys just want to be wanted! in certain cases a married couple should just "LET IT GO" and sometimes the woman should initiate a sexual encounter, therfore relieving the man of all of the agravation and stress of thinking how the hell am i going to have SEX! girls will always be girls though, no one can ever read their minds. i don't know if im staying in this marriage for much longer though, cuz i've already had casual sexual encounters with old girlfriends that don't give a hoot that i'm married. don't get me wrong i love my wife, but i just think that if she found out about the casual encounters i've had she would like probably blame herself. so women out there it is not always the guys fault ! women should feel empowered after all you got the goods men want! i'm a guy! and guys will be guys, and sex is sex, and women will always control who gets it! like it or not!