All That Glitters...

I have read many of the stories here, and many seem to run along a typical theme. I am going to add my thoughts to those who are living in a sexless marriage, as I am, but who also speak of love and friendship with their partners -- who say they have a wonderful, warm marriage, indeed -- except for that little thing called "no sex."

I have some news for you. I think you should re-examine just how sweet and loving your partners really are...

I don't know too many people who would classify as "caring" or "warm" or "sweet" or "good" those actions that do real harm to another, except those who are desperate to find some "silver lining" to a sad situation.

  • Denying your partner sex is not a sweet and friendly thing to do.
  • Knowing a partner is miserable because of no sexual expression, and not doing anything to alleviate this, is not sweet.
  • Friends don't do malicious secretive passive things to their friends, and then put on an air of innocence about it..."Oh, my total lack of caring for your frustration and misery...my refusal to ever broach the subject or to stir myself to DO ANYTHING about it...oh, that upsets you? I had no idea! And now I will do *nothing* to change this situation except possibly ignore it even more, or for a change of pace, blame you!"

B.S.!!!

I've been where most of you are.

  • I tried to see things differently.
  • I tried to "do without" and do it with grace.
  • I tried to change myself in the hope of enticing my partner.
  • I tried to change my innermost feelings from sad and angry to something "positive."
  • I tried to tell myself that it was my fault.
  • I tried to tell myself it didn't matter, really, when one is with such a warm and loving partner (except for the bit about NO SEX).
  • I tried hobbies. I can weave, knit, crochet, brew beer, frame a house, build a wagon, hand-tame wild birds, grow giant pumpkins, make rope, cast pewter figurines, win at darts, and much much more. Blah.
  • I ran long distances, physically and mentally, to try to run off my desires and energies.
  • I told myself I was bad and evil.
  • I told myself I was pathetic to be 35...40...45...49 and still wanting to have sex.
  • I said so many rosaries that even the Pope asked me to stop.

And then...

  • I begged...
  • I screamed...
  • I broke my hand by slamming it against MY OWN HEAD, duh.
  • I wrote reams of letters about it...
  • I cried...until I was sick...many times...
  • I threw myself on the floor and knocked my head against it and said I would do anything, anything he said if he'd just tell me what the reason was for his lack of interest...
  • I said I was sorry approximately 100,000 times for being "bad" and "being demanding and shallow..."
  • I said I was so sorry even more times for being such a bad person as to put "something as minor as sex" above his lovely warmth and goodness as a partner...

Is anyone getting the picture?

Those who ignore your anguish, who place the blame on you, or who let you place blame on yourself, those who do nothing to stop this misery of your heart, THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND, they are NOT loving people. So, to add to your problems, you're either living with a really passively mean person or a psycho.

Would YOU stay in a marriage where BECAUSE OF YOUR BEHAVIOR your partner was desperate and sad and in anguish?

Would you sit back and let YOUR partner be in such misery about something YOU did or didn't do?

No, you wouldn't.

You know, those who are drug abusers, alcohol abusers -- they don't care about what they are doing to their husbands or wives -- they don't see it, they don't accept it -- if you tell them they are hurting you, they don't buy it -- their abuse is "not the cause" of any terrible consequences -- there is NO getting through to them -- but no one, not one therapist in the world, no matter HOW lousy (and most are REALLY f-ing lousy), would tell the drug abuser that the abuse is "okay" or that the harm done is negligible --

but--

You will find PLENTY of sexless partners and "therapists" who will indeed tell their desperate partners that -- that the sex doesn't matter and that the refusal to be a true husband or wife does no harm. They will place the blame SQUARELY on your already aching shoulders, my friends --right where you've most probably placed it at times yourself, you poor things -- me too -- BUT DON'T LET THEM.

I have no grand final remarks, other than to say:

  • It truly sucketh...
  • Your partner is not acting right...
  • It is not your fault. It isn't because you DID or DIDN'T do something that he/she is withholding sex from you...
  • It won't get better...
  • Get out now, or you'll be like me, endlessly hunting on the internet and in magazines for someone who found a way out without really getting out...
  • It will fester in your soul, no matter how long it goes on, as long as you are with the person who has hurt you this way...
  • There are those out there who DO have natural views about sex and who DO like it for what it is, not as some weird control thing or "dirty" thing, and maybe a miracle will happen and you'll meet them somehow, someday...in the meantime, comfort yourself with at least THEY would like to have sex with you...!!!!
  • You are not along...as if that is any help...

And now I'm off to run my 3 miles!!! And then I have a great new hobby to start!

 

deleted deleted
26-30
531 Responses Apr 18, 2008

i to am in the same situation, i was a pretty 22 yr old and had two kids when i met my partner, he was 11 years older, and no he wasnt a wealthy man or anything simelar! he was or should i seemed to be nice and loving liked the kids etc, he wasnt good looking by any means but i thort he was realy nice and grew to love him. been with him almost 20 yrs and for the last 10 when we moved our sex life went down hill even more than it was.i think we had sex once and then not again for a year. all the usual excuses tired stressed, got to work and so on . the kids left home over a year ago and still no improvement, we mainly sleep seperately and i try to get on with things, and have learnt loads of new hobbies crochet etc, but sometimes i get so flustrated and angry with him. he must be a complete idiot as he doesnt see a problem!, i get blamed for being moody starting arguments even though for ,most of the time my mouth is shut . i hate him and resent him and think what a pathetic excuse of a man he is not just to be like this, but to be to thick to see what hes done and still doing, and he makes me angry, then there are times i just plod on and keep my mouth shut. theres no compliments, or affection aswell as the rest of it only on a v rare occasion. but to add insult to injury he buys a newspaper every day and i know he looks at the topless girls in it, and he looks at women slyly when were are out if one catches his eye!. i just dont understand it and what is going on with him and i will never know im sure of that. i was very poorly for over a year so been of work so im dependent on the useless lump apart from stuff i buy and sell on ebay. im getting stronger and want to be in a position and get financaly dependent . its a horrible way to live so if your in a simelar situation give it a chance for say two years and start saving up in between then when that times up both men and women in this situation, get the hell out before they make you ill, depressed, make you thing your going mad and its all your fault, and off your food like i was and ended up severly anemic. they will just carry on like they always have till one of you dies otherwise, so get the hell out before it eats away at you !

It's been almost 10 years since I have had any type of intimacy with my wife. A few months ago I finally stopped giving her back rubs and telling her how much I loved her. Yes, I started looking for affection through the internet. when the affection couldn't be found at home. I'm an ordained minister who is going to give up his ministry and his credentials in order to find some sort of happiness in a relationship before I get older than I am now (I'm 58). I just wish that people would realize that intimacy *IS* that important ... even to a man of God. But, I need someone to hug and that can hug me back and make me feel loved.

I too am a Christian. It is such a dark pace we live in. This is not exactly a subject we can talk to friends about. Before reading "All That Gliiters", I felt guilty & horrible for caring that my husband withholds sex from me. He is, after all, so good to me in every other way. He is a Christian too. He is a deacon - he is in a position to care for and help other families while we sit here in this house with this huge chasm between us. I don't begrudge him the work at church as a deacon; nor as a trustee; both of which require meetings and time. I just wish I was somewhere in that line-up of important things. WE have only been together 12 years and he hasn't touched me in at least 7 or 8 of those and for 3-4 before that I was the only person initiating sex. I finally stopped asking. It was too hurtful to be shot down over and over. I am 51 years old.

Oh dear friends, my heart goes out to you. You never hear people submitting prayer requests for help with a sexless marriage. It is truly a very dark and lonely place to be.

You are inside my head! I have felt so alone for weeks. This is a recent development, only occuring over the last 6 months are so, but it is almost more then I can bare. I feel so completely alone with the affection of my husband.

You Rock...

Wow, i'm speechless. I need time to asborb everything you've said. I hope you are happy now and enjoying your new hobby xx

OMG we are all married to the same person!!!! I'm 52 and got tired of being made to feel like I was to old for sex and a pervert because I wanted a sex life. I'm tired of passive aggressive behavior. 21 years with the last 6 being sexless. I too was told to get a hobby... I walk now. I do plumeria. I do me hehehehehe. I got myself an online love... better than nothing. Good luck to us all..... and may the great gods of Orgasmia be kind.

I live in a sexless marriage not by choice but by circumstance, due to the pain in my body and my chronic back pain sex is no more. Hubby is very understanding if it was to happen it would take me at least 3 days before all the pain stopped hurting more than normal. But angiebee40 I was in a relationship like yours for longer than I care to think about and I was as if you were talking about him. Finally I said enough is enough and told him to leave, took his sweet time about too. Hope all goes well soon.

I was crying for myself. After reading all the comments... I am crying for all of us. We need to form groups in cities and towns where we can gather together. Even maybe find new partners. We need to be strong. We are not the problem. We don't have to put up with the pain of rejection. We have each other.

I found this forum a few minutes ago and I was absolutely blown away. First of all, just the sheer number of people in sexless relationships - it's really amazing (and a bit depressing). Secondly - there are WOMEN that are rejected for sex? I'm nearly 50 years old - I have had many girlfriends over the years, I've been married twice (on the second marriage now) and I've never, ever, heard of this - WOMEN that are UNHAPPY about LACK of sex? How could this be? My first reaction was simple disbelief. Certainly all of the people posting here are MEN, pretending to be WOMEN. Men are always the initiators, women decide whether to submit (or not). Right? Have I been living on the wrong planet my whole life? The other possibility is that the husbands in these stories are gay, but scared to come out of the closet. Right? Is there such a thing as a straight man refusing sex from a woman? C'mon....<br />
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But, the reason for my initial google search was to see how men are dealing with the lack of sex, in an otherwise happy marriage. My wife is going through menopause and we haven't had sex for months. Her hormones are changing, she's on medication, she's in pain, she's having hot flashes, you know.... <br />
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I read that menopause can take from two to five years, so I did my best to brace myself for this "pause", but when it happened I found that no matter how well I prepared myself intellectually, I'm having trouble emotionally and physically. It must be similar to heroin withdrawal... well, maybe not quite that bad, but it is a HUGE change in my life.<br />
<br />
I know very well that it's not my wife's fault - I don't blame her at all. I love her very much and I have no intention of leaving her of doing anything other than support her through this difficult time she's having. BUT, I also feel that I can't talk to her about MY needs. The few times that I approached her (after starging menopause) she made me feel like a selfish, thoughtless bastard.<br />
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One thing I didn't see here, although I admit I didn't read all of the past posts, is the mention of emotional affect that sex has for men. For me (and my guy friends that share their experiences with me about their marriages) sex is an emotionally bonding experience that keeps me feeling close and romantically "in love" with my wife. Without sex I still love and respect my wife as a person and a friend, but the romantic feeling fades after a while. Is this too much to admit?<br />
<br />
So my dilemma is how to deal with simoultaneous feelings of desire and sympathy for my wife and the feelings of rejection and loneliness that accompany a sexless marriage.<br />
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Oh, and you guys that hung in there with your wife through menopause - the sex starts again at some point, right? Two years? Five years?

You need to read here a lot more if you didn't find stories of men who find sex to be a bonding experience. There are a whole lot who say that it is. Good luck with your experience, although I don't think I like your comment that refusing men are impossible - your gender stereotypes within this issue will be the next thing to fall if you keep reading here.

You make too much sense! I've beentelling myself for years that he truly does love me on a higher plane than most mere mortals because he stays with me without sex-eventhough I'd be happy to have a normal marriage.18yrs,16 celibate.

He DOESNT WANT ME BECAUSE I"m FAT-BUT I WAS FAT WHEN HE MARRIED ME!!!

Thank You!!!! for this. I am reading this much later than you posted it. But like the rest here, this is the story of my life. The only consolation is that I am not alone. I laughed, I cried.... and then I went downstairs and had yet another fight with my husband over this topic<br />
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If any woman reads this - don't think its how you look. I was slim and used to model when all of this happened. Please don't internalize as I did. <br />
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Here is perhaps the most damaging thing: I haven't felt beautiful, desirable and lust-worthy since I was 26. This insecurity bled into all areas of my life. Decades later, I miss knowing the girl I was when all this started. I can't believe it now, but I was comfortable with my sexuality, comfortable initiating, and thought sex was part of a healthy life. Like a breathing. There are so many psychological and physiological reasons why regular sex balances the human body and brain. Endorphin release, hormone balancing through pheromones, psychological closeness with mate/ pair bonding, burning easy calories, need I go on???<br />
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Perhaps the silence too is deeply damaging. I don't tell a soul... I am embarrassed and I certainly don't want to invite people into this shameful secret. <br />
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Not sure I am ever going to recover... I am embittered, frustrated and deeply resentful for my lost youth. I have only now had the courage to admit this. I've been so busy pushing this down and denying there is a problem. OMG I am a woman I never thought I'd be.

And thank YOU for posting your story. It's almost identical to mine. I can see that there really is no light at the end of the tunnel, but just knowing I'm not alone helps me feel better for a little while.

I feel and share the depths of your agony. your story is also my story.

Looks like you did everything except what you SHOULD have done...perhaps she isn't interested in sex with someone who isn't willing to do anything but complain...what have you done FOR HER? How are YOU making HER feel? Obviously...not like someone who is worth any effort, hence, her lack of desire to reciprocate by putting effort towards you.

I truly connect with you! My wife went to a "therapist" for several years and he was no help. My wife often compared me to him! Every time I have tried to bring up the subject she tries to make me feel guilty because there are more important "family matters" we should be focusing in on right now. She suffers from depression and her depression has infected me now. But I can't be depressed because I am the one who has to go to work, pay the bills, cook the dinners, do the wash, etc.. <br />
<br />
Thank you!

I am in the same situation and have done and said basically everything you've done and said with the same results, i.e., NO RESULTS. This problem even has a name: EMOTIONAL/SEXUAL ANOREXIA. Search on the web for Dr. Douglas Weiss website and books for more information. I was relieved at first by discovering his problem has a name, but I had my hopes turned down when I learnt that the recovery road is not only long, but rocky. Recovery is long and difficult (I mean, when the husband is REALLY committed to do something about the problem. If not, bye, bye, nothing's going to change, so don't waste your energy and time with someone who doesn't want to change), and requires therapy and strong commitment. The problem is that men with this type of dysfunction tend to live in denial about the problem and are avoidant (a personality trait found in most of sexual anorectics). Some therapists reckon that addiction to **** can cause Sexual Anorexia (studies show that **** changes men perceptions about women and with time they end up losing the ability to connect with real women and having a satisfactory normal sex life).<br />
My husband refuses to seek help, although I've done all the research and the only thing he had to do was to show up at the counselling appointment, which he still refuses to do. Needless to say I'm giving up. Men with this problem tend to live in ABSOLUTE DENIAL, they have NO SYMPATHY for their partners, and yes, they use sex as a weapon for control. I just wonder... Why? Why would my husband have the need to control me when I do love him, when I do everything for him, when I take good care of him, when I'm a good wife and housewife... It's so disheartening! I'm not going to live like that for the rest of my life, if he's not seeking for help, I am going to have an affair or even leave him. There are limits to what you can give of yourself. He will be left unharmed with this whole situation, as he doesn't seem to care, but I can't say the same about myself... I'll do something for myself and my life while my sanity is still intact.

Couldn't have said it better myself. I have been in this same situation. My wife is not genuinely interested in sex. Not for me or even more importantly for herself. <br />
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I have gone through all the same self-torture you speak of and found no satisfactory solution.

what if you met a woman who wanted you, who was passionate about you, who understood you and like you, had suffered in a similar sort of sexless relationship? Would you consider beginning anew with her? or would you stay with your current wife?

Right on target. Beautifully said.You have described my sexless marraige of many years ago. I still remain married to the same woman however I didn't seek out counseling, divorce, hobbies or the like,unless dalliances can be loosely considered as such, I merely sought out others who were suffering in similar circumstances and together we solved our own problems perfectly. It is not was not an easy path to take and was fraught with complications and yes even dangers if discovered but they were an absolute necessity and in retrospect certainly well worth the time.<br />
One can only condescend to a lack of intimacy and sexual fulfillment for only so long before , as in your case and others until it becomes an overwhelming presence in the marraige.<br />
Whatever love that exists at the beginning gradually turned merely to respect, habit, and accommodations , a truce if you will became the tenor of the relationship.<br />
I was extremely lucky in that an extensive and heavy business travel schedule gave me access to these wonderful dalliances. It is not for everyone to consider or actually participate in such nor do I advocate this for everyone. However that being said it is far better than to take up a hobby, running or any other distraction as a compensation for a frustrating domestic situation.<br />
I must congratulate you on your most excellent narrative here for you have lent a voice to all that we here have experienced and continue to feel.

I just joined EP and your story was great!! I used to just read stories and was too shy to register. Now it's like I want to know how are you doing today? Your post is surely one of the stronger stories out there.

I am in the same situation and I certainly understand your need to pontificate about it. But you don't HAVE TO suffer. If our respective life partners ACTIVELY REFUSE to accept our need for sexual intimacy, while watching us slowly go mad with frustration. Every day they waste what's left of our youth, in itself a terribly cruel act towards someone they claim to love. <br />
I can think of two responses and not one of them is complacent acceptance of the situation. <br />
One is to consider yourself separated and allow yourself to meet others, possibly finding someone who SEES you, and satisfies you, OR just outright leave this shell of the person you originally committed your life to. Obviously, that person no longer exists because he/she left YOU without even telling you. We all deserve an honest sex life. I'm certainly not relegating my genitals to be a hat rack.......

well said Del, You definetly have the inside perspective on this issue. I hope you find the right partner to take care of your needs. DP

im in the same kind of situation and well told you have expressed many of my feelings. my husband and i have not had sex in over a year cus he says he can take it or leave it. he never takes my feelings into account i feel hes being very selfish, im still looking for my solution

I'm in the same situation, I know my husband doesn't really care but I kept making excuses. Now I don't care. Now I'm just NUMB!

This is also the story of my life. Married for 13 years sex has always been an issue between us. We have a young child which makes it even hard to make a decision to leave. He is a good man, good father but has no sex drive. He is 15 years my senior he married me I was in my 20's, now I am turning 40 and fading.... I feel each day a die a little. I tried seeing things from a spiritual standpoint. It helps me grow. But it is also killing me. Once I was happy and full of life. Now I am sad, and I just have a hard time breathing due to anxiety. No one knows. It makes is so hard to keep it a secret, but as said here so embarrassing to tell anyone. I asked for a divorce he said fine. But then he makes me feel like I can't afford to pay bills, and he is right. He always sucks me right back in, when I make my decision to leave. I am meeting a family attorney. Hope I have the strength to move forward. It is such a blessing to have found this site. All telling the same story. Thank you for sharing! Good luck to us all!

Thanks for sharing the feelings and emotions.Never let anyone manipulate you ever again.
My wife and I have no sex either.She has never manipulated me.I have sex as much as I like.We do not share bedrooms.
We share our kids and grandkids.
If you need a place to stay let us here on EP know and you have many friends here girl.Me to start with.
Louise CD

I am in a similar situation, the only difference being that I am 35 and have been married for only 2 years, have no kids. I left my husband a month back, and will file for divorce soon. But I really miss him. I dont want to go back either.
So I understand that for you it is much more difficult. But I would say that if you get out today, u still have hope to find happiness. It will be very hard, very very hard.
I am battling the same phase of life, which is tough, but I read these blogs and get the energy to do what is right. i am trying to learn from others experiences, and trying to save my happiness instead of my marriage.

Wow, your words are moving and amazing. They brought tears to my eyes, because I feel understood, vindicated, and even released, which really feels amazing after so many years of guilt and self blaming and loss of self esteem and confidence and femininity. How can I thank you for understanding and expressing my feelings so precisely? I cried both for you, and for me, as I read your words. So sorry for your suffering.

thats a well said to all who have the same issues as you have .the point is dont loose your value coz of someone else .You have your life and let no one even if is your partner make your life dull.Your happiness is your responsibility.

Well said.I just want to add a twist.We often feel guilty and yet do nothing about it.<br />
We feel defensless and do nothin about it.<br />
We often never get an answer and do nothing about it.<br />
<br />
I know my wife hates sex and I know why.We are best friends and she helps me dress and takes my pics and shoves me out the door to feed my needs.<br />
I know she does not care about me sexually I just refused to do anything about it for years.<br />
She knows now that she must accept me as I am or leave.<br />
We do not sleep ion the same room and we are moving into a two story apartment with her upstairs and me downstairs.<br />
Yes we share our children and grandkids, we do enjoy many friendly things together.<br />
We share chores, the groceries the bathrooms, the laundry ect.etc.ect.<br />
But I have sex and I am happy to tell others how I did it.<br />
<br />
Louise CD

I guess you are saying we're ****** - yet won't be.

4.5 years later... I hope your new hobby was a man who made you feel like a goddess.

Thank you so much! You've given me the strength that I need to leave before I drive myself mad. Not only does my husband of only 8 years not want sex and hasn't done for more than 3 years, he also won't go out anywhere with me or share any interests at all. Just for the record I haven't changed in any way in the time we've been married, except that I now feel really miserable. To add insult to injury by blaming everyone and everything but himself for his problem.<br />
And a bit thank you too for the bloggers who have said that therapy is unlikely to work because guess what? I've had enough of wasting my life with such a cruel and mean man.<br />
I thought it was me, I though I was ugly, useless and in some way unworthy, I have been so embarrassed and alone, yes I know you all totally 'get it' but I'm just loving to get it off my chest . Love, best wishes and a happy life to all of you. Xxx

I feel really sorry for you, and for people in similar situations as yours. I've just got married and we're really happy. I have big issues with sex but my wife doesn't, she has a very balanced view on things. We talk about it a lot, which really helps. We've had a few struggles with my problems but overall she is so amazing to keep talking about it with me that I often end up feeling just so lucky I'm with someone who really cares and wants to hear whats going on in my head. She openly admits where sex is concerned she "doesn't have a lot going on in her head" and has always said she'd like to be led by me wherever I want to go sexually as long as we discuss it fully first and its something shes comfortable with.
I guess what I'm trying to say is the only reason we've already lasted 8 years together is just because we always always always talk about things (sexual things). We never argue, never properly have in all the time we've been together, but it never gets that far.
Have you said anything to your husband about how unhappy you are with no sex?
Lots of love
Xxx

Well, I'm all for hanging in there and making it work, but it does sound like you were in an impossible situation. Well done forr making your mind up.

Every person has value.....and when you figure yours out, you will make the necessary changes in order to get healthy. No man will every be able to love you like Jesus.

What about when sex is rare!? For instance we might have sex once every 2-3 months. Then when we do have sex, I get an UTI and its very unfulfilling. I try to encourage different things, but he never wants to do anything different. Or we are simply not on the same age. Same o'le same o'le just a different day. He says its because we have kids - our youngest is 10. Or he says he is under lots of stress. This has been for so many years now. Excuse after excuse as to why he cannot show passion, or be affectionate or whatever.

First, off the same ole ....same ole ...like clock work. If you want sex more often...we can make that happen....but you can't get frustrated with the process. I see he has excuses and maybe they're valid....but when it's presented right..we as men WILL not turn it down. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results. So, what needs to be done...well it's called the element of surprise....what do I mean, try this walk up behind him unzip his pants and give a quick 5 minute hand job..after he release walk away....if that does not work...then you know how you use to do before yall got married....2 am roll over get him nice and e rected then you get yours....Even though he may not admit....but want you to take. One of the major huddles that you may face is rejection..so plan for it on the front end so it does not shut you down....We liked to be chased sometimes...It's does not matter who initiate the result is what you are looking for.

OMG! Its so nice to see that I'm not alone. My husband and I have been married 15 years and have maybe had sex 2 times a year in the last 10 years. I have talked, talked, screamed! when I caught myself starting to beg I blew a fuse and realized it had to stop. Therapy, no help. Testosterone (needed) no help. There is no effection, no love pats nothing. I'm tired. I don't think I can do it anymore.

It doesn't sound like you can do it anymore. It sounds bloody awful if you ask me! Do you think there's a possibility he's having an affair?
What do you see as your end goal here in this situation? To start having sex again or to leave him so that you can maybe meet someone who does want sex?
Have you given him an ulimatum? Or maybe even mentioned the possibility of allowing yourself to be satisfied by someone outside of the marriage, with his knowledge and acceptance that its something you need physically and emotionally that he's not giving you?
All the best
X

If you really want to have sex with your husband, I am about to tell how to do it...and make him chase you down like he use to. Men love the thrill of the chase...so give him something to chase. Get you a t-shirt (tight fitting one with no bra) and some sexy p anties...and just walk around like nothing is going on... Men are visual...we love fantasy. I guarantee it gets his juices flowing....better yet get out the shower and do not dry off completely leave the t-shirt and p anties in the room stroll pass him like he is not there.... Remember visual..it's all about the presentation.

My husband and I have been together for 18 years and have sex maybe once every two months. Then when it finally happens it lasts for a total of about 2 minutes. Foreplay and all. Which in turns leaves me more frustrated then before the act!! But what really hurts more then not having sex is the fact that he would rather I perform oral sex on him. He asks and recieves that at least 3 times a week! I always tell myself I'm not doing it anymore but then there I am again. I just crave any sort of intimacy with him it seems I take what I can get. I always blamed myself for his lost of interest in me because of my weight. I have gained about 30 lbs since we met. But just recently I've started to tell myself if he really loved me and genuinely cared about me that really wouldn't matter..?? Would it?? I'm just so tired of beating myself up over this. I'm so tired of trying to convince myself that I can do without. But the fact is I can't, and to be honest I don't think I want to.

Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. Stop. I've just read your post as I'm reading them all and immediately spotted something in yours that no one else seems to be saying.
I'm going to be blunt and totally honest with you because otherwise I don't think it helps to skirt around things, hope that's ok!
Ok, lets start, here's your list of things to do to make steps in the right direction.
1. It sounds pretty clear that sex as little as once or twice a month isn't enough for you. Tell him. Be calm, ask for a little chat, and just say you'd love it if it could be a bit more often as you enjoy it with him.
2. Two minutes (inc foreplay) after being together 18 years is truly abysmal. Sorry but it is. How on earth have you let him get away with being that bad at it? With having no staying power? Perhaps he's not interested in satisfying you only himself? Does he make you *** within the 2 minutes? Something tells me no. I wonder why he feels like he can get away with just spending a few minutes, satisfying only himself, then waiting another month before he bothers to put the 2 minutes of effort in again for you... perhaps point 3 will shed some light on the situation...?
3. So, he gets thrice weekly blow jobs (something I'd love but never dream of asking for unless I was prepared to return the favour in equal measure! lol) and you get.... nothing? You've heard of Pavlov's Dog right? Ring a bell and he knows its dinner time and all that jazz... You don't think maybe that giving him what he wants 3 times a week and never demanding the same in return would take it's effect on the other aspects of our sex life? This is solved quite literally within seconds... "Darling, honey, sweetie pie, you NOT getting any more blow jobs unless you've gone down on me first. That's the new rule. I like oral sex as much as you do and I don't get it enough. You've had you're fair share for years, now I want mine."
No ***********, no ********. Done.
4. I understand your point about intimacy, that's fair enough. Perhaps try really really hard to swap cuddles for blow jobs. Intimacy isn't about being sexual. It's about being intimate, talking intimately, touching intimately, etc. Not sexually though.
5. Right, the weight gain. Now this is a tricky one because I certainly don't want to upset you, you're having a hard enough time as it is. The reality is this, sure if you've gained weight it is entirely possible that he's lost interest in you because of that very fact. It's extremely un-modern of me to say that, but that's the reality of the situation. Look at it like this, if a guy who loves big girls was dating someone, then she slowly got thinner and thinner, he'd lose interest sexually because shes suddenly not become his type physically anymore. It's that simple. There's no right or wrong about it, it's just the way we work as people.
Sure, of course you still love and care for each other deeply, but you're mixing up the wrong feelings here. I'm positive he loves you, but you're asking him to physically do something that he doesn't have much interest in. You want him to pay attention to you and be physical with you, but you have literally changed.
Has he changed? Has he gained weight? If so, do you find him just as attractive as you did when you met? If yes, that's perhaps a female thing I don't understand. As a guy I can simply say that when something changes it's either for the good or the worse, and the way to get back is not to "hope he loves you enough to not care you've gained weight" but probably to just lose that weight for starters.
(I hope you understand I mean all of this in a nice way, if I gained loads of weight just through lack of exercise, I'd expect my wife to be losing interest in me, period.)
Anyway, if that is the case, then you seriously need to think along the lines of wanting to get your figure back in order for your husband to find you attractive again.
I'm not saying big women must diet, or larger ladies should all lose weight to get a man, please don't anyone reading this slate me!!!! I'm not being sizeist or anything. I'm simply being a realist.
If my (brand spanking new) wife put 2 stone on in weight over the next year or so, I'd be saying to her, in the nicest possible way, "I found you so sexy before you put a little extra weight on. I'm just wondering if you were wanting to try and lose weight and look great for each other again, because if so I'll do loads of exercise with you and try and be supportive as I know it's difficult sometimes to stick to that sort of thing." Or whatever. The point is, you've put on weight, you're more than aware of the effect it's having on your sex life, and you want it to go back to how it was, well then you'll have to lose that weight to at least make a start. If you want it bad enough you'll pull through and get the figure you had back, which you'll love! Not just him!
If he genuinely loves you, he'll care enough about you to want to help you achieve your goals, such as losing 30 pounds. Ask him to help you by being supportive while you try.
6. Stop beating yourself up over this. Stop it. Stop. Now. It takes two to tango and currently it sounds like he's getting everything his way, and you're getting nothing. Stop beating yourself up and tell him how you feel. Ask for a heart to heart.
7. You can't do without it. You want sex. You deserve sex. It's your god given right to have it as much as you want and from a husband who wants you to have it as often as you need it. Don't try and convince yourself otherwise. It wont work. It's like me denying nearly my whole teenage and adult life that I'm not bi-curious, when I am. It's who I am, my wife knows, it's all good. But she only knows cos I told her lol you NEED to tell him how you feel.
Hope some of that helps!
Love
xx

Thrice weekly blow jobs? As a guy I'd have to say I wouldn't turn it down, but that's your problem right there. You're giving giving giving and getting nothing in return.

Again, as a man, I'd have to say that sex should be first and foremost about a woman's pleasure. The man's pleasure flows from that. The passion flows from that.

get a couple of sex how-to books - one for each of you - and give him his book. Insist that instead of the BJ routine next week, you both read them and then start trying things out. Tell him what you might like. Get him to try it out.

If it's a real struggle you can always go for a BJ as a reward to him!

And as baabes72 says, this isn't your fault. My guess is you can get him to change and it wouldn't even take that long.

"If it's a real struggle you can always go for a BJ as a reward to him!"
Struggle? to be loving and affectionate to his wife?!! He is not a child. I say "NO BJ period. He needs to put on his big boy panties and be a husband instead of a manchild infant waiting for his wifey/mommy to unconditionally wife his arse, among other things.

She would be reasonable if she insisted that her own ****** is a mandatory prerequisite for him to even imagine any phallic contact from her via oral/digital/vaginal means. The bottom line: No more infantile selfish sex.

Really really really enjoyed reading this. To many nights with tears asking myself what is wrong with me. Feeling sorry for myself that all I wanted was to be loved. Didn't think it was that much to ask. I start therapy on Thursday but not to figure out what is wrong with me anymore. It is his problem not mine and I need help just to like myself again. After I start liking myself again and if he is not on board with meeting my needs, I will hopefully be a stronger person and will be able to move on. I'm done being sick about feeling that there is something wrong with me, that I'm ugly or bad or just no good for anyone. However I don't blame him for me feeling this way it is me who has allowed myself to feel this way.

I wish I wanted to have sex with my husband. I don't and can't bring myself to fake it and do it anyhow. That just seems phony and insincere - unfair to both myself and my husband. He deserves better. I deserve better. It kills me to think I'm hurting him, that our relationship is waning. I just have absolutely no sexual desire towards him. I love him, he's a wonderful father, amazing person, lots of interests and physically healthy. I'm also healthy. Feel secure about myself. Why can't I just have sex with him? I don't know how to fix this.

How long have you been married and when did you stop having sex? Also, have you both discussed it, if so what was the outcome?
X

Guys - just read this from jane4145. I believe this is the authentic voice of the refusing/rejecting wife.

She rejects, she refuses, they love each other but it's harming their relationship. But she doesn't understand it. She can't even fake it.

Compare it with the outburst of anger from deleted. I felt like that at one stage.

There are ways to overcome all this. I know because I've done it myself. As a guy you have to realise that it's not about sex. It's about changing the way she sees you, and changing her mindset. Shake her out of this situation. It's almost like a trance that these women get in, whereby they feel under enormous pressure, including from themselves, to have sex. They feel under presure to fake it. The result is they lose all desire. Even when the husband apologises and backs off (like deleted above) they feel even less desire.. As for talking about it - they'd rather walk over broken glass barefoot.

Men you need to understand the dynamic that makes this happen, so you can reverse it. You need to release our own jane4145 from the intolerable pressure she feels, when deep down she really wishes she wanted sex with you.

Schnarch's books are very good, if a little academic, but the best thiing I have read from a guy's point of view was rekindle-her-desire.com. Real understanding and a practical plan to break free of this vicious circle of guilt and frustration.

Please understand this, as a man if you are not having sex with him...he's getting a release somehow. Meaning that it might be physically with another woman or he is ************ to ****. What is it in you that caused you to shut down.....I am not placing blame on you, in order for you to get healthy you have to do a real self examination. Did he trigger something traumatic in your past....or did he say something or did something that cause to you shut down. What need have you subconsciously programmed yourself to say he not meeting. Do you feel appreciated &amp; valued...Does he connect with you in your Love Languages which are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch...(The Five Love Languages Gary Chapman) ...Until you can get to the root of the issue ..you will always be dealing with weeds.

I have to disagree. If Jane really wanted to please her husband, or at least stop hurting him, she would go do the work on herself and stop making excuses. Loving another person needs no mindset. You do or you don't. You can care for someone, like you care for a coworker or room mate and wish them no ill while coexisting. Refusing sex to the one you promised your body and heart and life to while demanding monogamy is worse than the used car sale with a mercedes body and a V.W. Beetle engine. When you pay for a mercedes you shouldn't have to settle for some bootleg inferior engine.

Jane and those like her are using the relationship against their partner in order to steal, time, love and joy from another person while returning little but grief. It's a cruel swindle of the heart.

1 More Response

its crazy, I can't with my husband , just most other people. The reason is he mentally abused me told me when he got angry with me said, I was fat, undesirable and he "never should have married me," as he had many other women to choose from, even though the fight was over, 4-5 years later, I still hear those words, they have lowered my self esteem to the point where I don't want him to find me attractive, even though I know I am to other people. guys on the street will tell me I am beautiful more so than my husband of 15 years, it hurts, we do not share a bedroom, I sleep on the couch. I have done this 4 years. we will have sex but it is what he calls " A mercy ****" and it lasts all of 5 mins. The whole time I am laying there I feel like I am being raped. I hate it, I have found sex with other people to be quite fulfilling, I know it is wrong, but I do what I have to do as I have needs of my own, I have a regular "sexual partner" and we get together every few months, I am 40 so my sex drive is through the roof. I wish it was him, it just won't be, I don't plan on leaving him anymore, too much vested, that is selfish I understand, but this is who I am now, this is what mental abuse does, it turns you into someone you'd never thought you'd be. I guess I am doomed to a life of sin....Sad

counseling for you both or you as an individual (to craft an exit plan) might be a good idea.

Just read your story. I think I'm just about there. Thanks for your thoughts.

Be encouraged, to all those on here experiencing a sexless marriage. It is an epidemic that transcends race, culture and creed. It is not an easy situation to deal with, but don't compromise what you believe in to meet a need. Once you open that pandora's box, the things you have to deal with goes way beyond a few minutes of pleasure. I don't condone any type of abuse on either end....but smart....you can do bad all by yourself. Find your value.

I don't believe you are 26-30 years old. This article (as some others of yours too) came from mature mind, not 26 y.o.

WOW - reading the post and the responses, you can just feel the frustration, guilt and anguish. The sad thing is that we are all individuals, and some things just cannot be fixed - but sometimes they can. Sex is mostly mental, unless you have a very deep spiritual bond.

So how do you change how someone thinks and responds? Sometimes you can find things that excite your spouse. Hopefully you can find something that will satisfy both of you. It may be that those things are more damaging to the relationship than the status quo.

I think that "deleted" has a point in that if you loved your spouse, you would find a way to satisfy this most basic of human needs, and so fundamental to a relationship. But does going out and doing something that might hurt your spouse become alright? I do not envy anyone in this situation, and I wish you all the best in finding your own solutions.

This certainly has given me something to think about. I need things I am not getting. I run too to hide the hurt. Would love to know how this has turned out for you. You seem mature and intelligent so I hope your life has resolved in some way

<p>Sex isnt everything but it does help to cement a relationship and create love and caring feelings towards each other if you get some every now then.<br />
<br />
Its too bad we are socialized to beleive in "the one" and only and that you have to put up with crap because to give up on the relationship is a sign of weakness or badness. <br />
<br />
Here's the thing, we change all the time. I am not the same as I was 5 yrs ago when I met my partner. She has also changed and our needs continually change. Someone who was perfect and all you ever needed may not what you need NOW in your life. </p><p>Why is it this part of life should be stagnant just because society dictates marriage is for life. For some people marriage is for life!!!! Good for them :) <br />
<br />
But for those in an unhappy marriage, there is definitely another soul match out there just waiting to find you.</p>

oh and I will be seeing joggers in a different light from now on
oh look........ another jogger - he's not getting any huh!

lol

Wow. Yes. :(

for me this is so true. my fiance and i have sex maybe twice a month. Its very weird. I have had conversations with him about it, however, he does nothing to change the behavior. It seems that when I am really upset and he notices.... then he has sex with me. and its not making love I can assure you that. IT is just let me stick it in and ***....lol But Its my own fault I choose to continue this thinking it will change. But I am starting to believe it will not.... I am a very sexual woman. I am craving or some passionate love making, along with hot freaky sex, everything a two partners in love should share!!! He wants to get married but to be quite honest... I dont want to get married to someone that will not have sex with me...

If your "partner" or spouse does not naturally engage in sexuality with YOU... then there is at least one serious problem with THEM. However.. I will note that you too may have a problem! I won't go into the loads of reasons for a lack of sex or sexual dysfunction... but if the partner or spouse cannot even talk about it then you are doing no less than wasting your life with them. Time for the ultimatum: either open up about the problem(s) or you are gone. Then make it happen! Be warned though... that you may find out things that you did not wish to find out. Especially if you are completely overweight or are not even close to the person you were when you first got together. The other half may literally find you to be repulsive from a physical attraction standpoint... but have no the heart to tell you as they should. That sort of problem is both theirs... and yours. They... also may have serious issues. Hetero cheating, homosexual cheating, a drug issue, peodphilia... there are many disorders that effect relationships. Again, WARNING: you may get what you wish for... answers! So steel yourself against the worst while hoping for the best.

I was thinking something very similar. Maybe they also enjoy sex and would like to have it more but don't want to have it with you... but love you enough to not want to say that because people can be completely crushed by learning that their spouse has no physical attraction to them.

This is good advice. Getting what you want does not equals being or becoming happy, not necessarily. Just satisfied.
It's bizarre how, listening an old flame complaining about his then marriage, in which sex was at times good, at times bad, i felt like saying " Man, you HAVE sex, yet you are complaining because it's good only 50% of the times? Seriously?" And that couple eventually divorced. That talk made me actually happier about Because sex

exactly right

bulls eye

Thank you, I need to hear this.

Thank you. I hear all the the time how sex is always on "your terms"when infact, she controls when, how, and where we have sex. I only asked for sex once a week . . Not once every whenever. I am always made to feel like itis something I did .

You express yourself very well! I like the way you write!

Hi hw r u i'm stil vargin. having sex is happy thing it is true.

there are a lot of stories out there on this subject but this one so hits the nail on the head..perfect..and I notice now that it is several years old..wonder what the author has done? did he stay in the marriage, did he not? such a sad sad thing

You have been thinking about this topic for awhile now haven't you? Good instincts I think... Your name isn't Dr. Phl ...is it..?!?!?

OK, I get your drift, but... bit OTT.
Demanding that someone do something that they no longer want to do is asking quite a bit, isn't it?
(unless he just no longer wants to do it with you, which I presume isn't the case).

Demands and appetites change, and that makes things tough when a couples needs go in opposite directions. I guess that if it means that much to you then you'll have an affair or leave your husband, and I couldn't fault you for that.
I don't think he could either, as you've made your condition clear.

FMDV100, Over the top? Seriously? My hubby demands me to give up sex because he doesn't want to do it. So tell me how that is different from me demanding to have sex? It is not.

Are you still with the person? It says you're in the 26-30 age range, what did you mean you waited too long to get out? You're still very young and very wise for your age.

Wow, good advice...

Big hugs my dear :(((

I feel you. I finally left my sexless marriage. We had a six-month separation (deployment) during which she was going to work on the issues with out counselor. For three months she was too busy. Finally after I wrote her two letters with the help of my counselor, she decided to go with a full court press. Right before I got home, she declare that she had "graduated" from counseling and wanted to start over, going slow- it was the same thing she said when I brought the issue up during our engagement, right before the wedding, after the all but sexless honeymoon, and a year after that. I had enough. Our divorce will be final in a few months. It's like a weight has been lifted from me. Women are actually attracted to me. I've also found that the loving friendship that I thought I was giving up over "such a little issue" wasn't what I was building it up to be. I wish her well.

At some point the pain of staying will outweigh the pain of leaving.

You may very well be right. I am very close to your final point.

That last statement... right now I can't imagine being able to endure seeing him go through the pain of me leaving. When I think about him crying, I feel my heart shattering for him.

Your post sure brought back some memories to me, I have also walk that life, only I did not have to hurt me, he did it for me. after 21yrs I gave myself a 40th birthday present>> a separation, 42 nd b-day present was my divorce, Life did begin at 40. Now I am a transplanted Canuk, married to the most wonderful redneck american, Life could not be sweeter, wish you nothing but happiness, Blessed Be

Brilliant heartfelt post. Thanks for this. I've been through all of the "tried" list and the "screaming, banging, begging" list. It's a relief to hear someone else describe it. At aged 42 and half I'm at a tipping point and at a place where whatever I choose instead of what I've got really can't be any worse, but could be a whole lot better. It's hard not to mourn 10 good years lost to this frustration, anger, pain and heartache but hey ho, life's a journey, and what's to come is more important.

.

Such a great post and so well said, it always amazies me how many of us suffer for so long in silence, I am glad that you are out of that situation.
It is never to late to start again. I was 58 when I met and married my American husband.
What a beautiful life it is, We share everything but most of all we have an unconditional love for each other, he has taught me that sex between two people who truely love each other is a beautiful and exciting thing
Blessed Be everyone. may you all find happines

I am 51 and my wife is 40. We have been an item for 11 years, lived together for 6 and married just a year. I have had a problem climaxing inside women and find sex exhausting !!!
I discovered WHY I was unable to climax inside women (including my Wife) was that I found normal sex was not exciting enough. Outdoor sex is the only way I can achieve normal climax inside a woman. My Wife will not even get naked outside, so it goes without saying, that our sex life is zero. I read a lot about men who have lost interest in sex with their partners for one reason or another, but the truth is ALWAYS that men prefer Kinky Sex.
Sex indoors behind closed doors is so boring . . . Imagine being given sausage and mash for dinner every day. You would soon get bored !!! Variety is the spice of life and we live in the age of online **** where Men can let their sexual imagination run riot. But eventually they will want to try what they see on the web for real. Problem is that women find hard to turn themselves into bi-sexual *****. What's the big deal? The act of sex is itself very erotic, so what is the problem with trying something a little different? This is 99% of the reason men lose interest . . . they want to move the sex onto a kinkier level and often as not, the woman has a problem with that, WHY?

That may be true for you. Variety is nice, but passion is key inside, outside or upside down.

not judging you here, but sounds like you became another situation of **** ruining sex for a marriage. run away from that ****, run away. wanting to share your wife with another woman isn't a normal urge. Her naked should normally be enough to excite you enough to climax, regardless of indoors or out.

Actually this is NOT TRUE for me, you shouldn't say a absolute as if all men are this way. I tried "kinkier" stuff and my hubby was disgusted by it. And it turned him off.

Thank you for your sharing. Beautifully written and honorably honest words.

I too am in a sexless marriage and I'm enormously sad about it. It consumes most of my waking thoughts.

It was very obvious from the start that our sex life was not great... that's how I saw it. I believe he would say that the sex was great. I told myself that great sex didn't matter. I told myself it was good enough. I told myself that he has many other wonderful qualities and I love him very much and a relationship is more than sex.

20 years later... we went from ok sex, to hardly any until it trickled down to maybe twice a year after I've had a couple of cocktails.

I tired but not as hard as you to get him to work on it, talk about it, explore avenues for improved communication so that we could work on improving not only our sex life but our entire relationship. 20 years later, I sit here and know that 2 years from now I won't be here with him anymore... at least not like this.

I don't feel bad about wanting better sex. I do feel bad about not speaking up sooner and not realizing that 20 years ago my silence and my ignorance was setting us up for heartache.

A tired cliché, but life is to short to feel that way. I've almost come to the end of my own rope so I feel your pain.

I feel your pain, but how do you get out with young kids? I know what you are thinking - you must be having sex if you're having kids - not really. One time in the past 4 years doesn't cut the mustard and all of the sex in the past has been bad. Bad meaning, my partner was never into it. I wish there was a road map. I will fill you all in if I can find it.

agreed, my father married my mom trying to hide his homosexuality. they had me, and literally didn't have sex for three years until they had my brother.

For starters:
1)do not have any more kids
2)get him fixed
3) figure out what you are willing to live with and won't live without
4)communicate this to him and give him the chance to make it right
5)Have an exit plan and follow it if he blows you off.

An excellent read and hit every single point that swells inside my own soul. I'm amazed how many people go through the same churning of emotions. And it's just not sex. I call it passion. Sometimes a long hug and a deep kiss does the trick. I don't even have that in the marriage. Very well written and tugged on me heartstrings.

THANK YOU thank you thank you. Yeah, I run too, and do a whole lot of other things to pass the time. If you want read me - I think you will get me.

Well said!

Excellent post. It is somewhat encouraging to hear that this horrible problem is not limited to men. After 14 sexless years of marriage I know there is no solution.

I am in this place ... a relationship with a man that I met 10 months ago. We fell into the relationship pretty quickly, and he moved in with me about 5 months ago.

We have NEVER had an exciting sexual relationship. It is a devastating place to find yourself and I'm not sure what to do :o(

Don't marry him . Be careful about getting pregnant, it can accidentally happen. Get out now while you can get out easily. Why did you let him move in if the relationship was not satisfying in the first place?

I don't think he would ask me to marry him. I'm in a chemotherapy-induced menopause, so becoming pregnant is not an issue. He moved in because his living circumstances changed and because in the time we had been together prior to that, he had a number of outside stressors, that I believed were responsible for his lack of desire. Now he says "I don't know why" when I ask him why he's not sexually interested in me.

I guess I was the eternal optimist and thought things would change when he was happy, settled and stress-free. Oh how wrong I was :o(

Wow! So many ratings!

why are you screaming at your husband in the first place...I do not believe in screaming at my boyfriend and never did I the past either...unless you have very serious problems nobody should be screaming at anyone...does he see others, do you see others...sounds vicious...

Mt4eva, No offense but screaming is a natural response to frustration, anger and resentment. And BTW I would call withhold intimacy a serious issue. And I wonder how many years you have gone with out sex with your boyfriend? And how many times have you been horny and have him not welcome your advances? Longing for that physical connection and pleasure with the person yo love.

Awesome.

I feel like I am reading my own story.

Im afraid to end up like this. Can you write something about how to spot a sexless marriage right on?

if (s)he's apathetic about sex with you before you marry, Good question:
1)know it will only get worse after marriage.
2)If you aren't being satisfied before marriage, you will be even less so after the wedding.
3)Keep your standards high. There is no room for optimism or fairy tales of better sex ahead in this area. It is or it isn't working.
4)If sex as a subject seems taboo or something your love interest avoids, deflects or hides from in conversation walk away quickly and do not look back. Refusal to discuss this with you guarantees frustration for you and no way to resolve it through adult conversation. You will be beating your head against a brick wall.

Good luck.

You are 1000 % correct.

thank you so much for posting my pain in your words they cause us to much pain not reaching out to us ''the forgotten wife or forgotten husband'' this started with no sex after one year of marry my best ''friend'' its so unfair .to want him so bad and nothing . I walk into the room hes in only warring panties and he rolls his eyes at me. its pure self fish of him he dont even try . i have wondered i am i wrong to have needs . now his first wife of 5 year wonder why she cheated on him? lol damn it I didnt want to marry a room mate ! I may be making different choices soon. thanks for sharing. I belive its control too

I soooo know how you feel!!!

This is very narrow minded. Clearly you are very angry and that has seriously warped your objectivity and a complete inability to consider others than yourself (perhaps that explains a lot about why you can't have a constructive conversation with your significant other and no coitus).

Have you, or anyone else, ever considered that there's more at play here? Maybe there's a medical and/or psychological issue? A LOT of health problems can either interfere with sex drive or 'sexual issues,' if someones going on, she might be horribly embarrassed by it and doesn't want to talk about it. Given the tone of this post, it's not a surprise that someone would be unwilling to open up to you. You seem incapable of considering any possibility outside your own desires.

I'm sure in your mind you've tried to be nice or diplomatic, but you should always consider the possibility and likelihood that your approach is flawed. Maybe you're not compatible emotionally with your partner and you're both just on different levels with how you communicate and your needs but more often than not, I find the former to be true.

My partner behaved like this once or twice and it was because he was cheating. I realised whilst having our 1st out of 2 Children.

Other times it was because he had pent up feelings and wanted to prove a point.....

And ofcourse that beautiful (not!!) thing, Control.

I now live to please myself and stop to appease him very rarely if at all.

I'm feeling this and I'm not even married to the man yet.

Run. . .seriously . .

idk yet. Our situation has been a difficult one and not the usual. Recently, when I mentioned something to him about it, he made effort to change things. EFFORT! wow! :):):)

Very thought provoking, thank you :)

well said! Too bad we couldn't include this piece (as a required reading) with the premarital paperwork.

Damn!

I don't know if this makes me feel better or worse.

Well said, and truthful. I feel like printing it out and leaving it on the kitchen table.

Hmmm...good idea (printing it out).
Best to you!

I totally agree. I was married for 3 decades to a man who totally avoided sex with me for the last 8 years of our marriage, and who had avoided sex with me for periods of 3 to 5 years before that.

Oh, he was nice in many ways- cooked for me, talked wonderfully about me to others, shared in child rearing, but was not there for me in a sexually or emotionately intimately way. Friends tried to tell me that he was narcissistic, selfish and emotionally abusive, but I did not believe them for a long time.

When I finally decided I deserved better -- including a satisfying sex life-- I decided to divorce him. Then he revealed he had been in a long term affair with a much younger woman and had a child by her!!!! And to think, I had thought he was impotent!

I was disappointed at how he had been living such a lie, but I was delighted to have a reason ti dump him that no one including our sons could blame me for. I also no longer had doubts that he was a selfish, narcissistic man who had emotionally abused me by depriving me of intimacy while making sure his needs were taken care of.

I am now in a relationship with a man who is a wonderful lover who enjoys my sensuality. I only regret wasting so many years with my ex. I know now that its not love or worth hanging onto if a romantic relationship is without sex even though one partner wants that intimacy. It's not selfish or shallow to expect sex to be part of a marriage or other romantic relationship.

Yes, she could be embarrassed talking to her doctor about her libido, but if she really cared about her husband, she would address her problem, not give her husband permission to have an affair. Maybe she has no libidio with her husband because she is -- like my ex-- getting it on elsewhere.

Re: "And now I'm off to run my 3 miles!!!"

This one makes me wanna laugh and cry at the same time. :-)
On the plus side, I'm in better *physical* shape than I was in college. Damned tough sell as a weight loss program, though.

What if a Man is "Just friends" with a woman that used to be a SO at one point, does this still apply or what? I feel She wants More She's much older than I am and I care for Her as a dear friend but I just can't seem to bring Myself to give into her like that and I have these immense feelings of guilt. We live in the ghost of love but aren't intimate.

is she your wife?

This is my life. I feel your pain. It's just mean. I hope you find your way out. I'm working on my way out.

Lots of painful truths in your post. I'm sorry you have gone through this and hope you find you find your happiness someday.<br />
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Question or insight...<br />
I feel I was the cruel one. Things were very awkward in the beginning and I started rejecting him at first. I tried to talk with him about it in the most respectful and gentle ways possible but each time, he took a defensive posture which shut down any further communication. Eventually, I started telling him I was a cold fish to avoid the arguments and if he wanted us to work on it we would have to see a therapist together. We never did.<br />
<br />
I've recently embarked on a new process to reconnect with him and try again. Its pretty obvious there are things he doesn't want to hear and simply won't entertain... anything that has to do with his actions as being partially responsibly.<br />
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I may have been cruel, but I think he's been cruel too??

Wow, this sounds so familiar. At age 32, my wife decided sex was not going to happen. first it was about her being to tired, then too stressed, etc. But even on vacations she was impossible to even share a bed with. Sure she was stressed out! Why? Because she was worried I would want to have sex with her! She pushed me out. After five years of this, I found myself being very angry at her. So I found the guest bedroom better suited to my taste. At about 7 yrs of no sex, we got into a big fight. I wanted her to come with me to counciling. Our marriage was on the verge of death.
She felt this was my way of blaming her for our troubles. I was so careful to always use the words..."WE" ..... as in we need to change or loose what we once had. To cut to the chase, she refused to go. She told me I was not there to support her when she needed me? this I never understood.
So we are still married....no sex...no prospect of sex. I am now 59 yrs old, and maybe unable to have sex. So now I am less inclined to pack and leave. she does not want a Divorce, and of course she has zero interest in sex with me. As she put it those many years ago...."I love sex, just not with you!"
I supposed at the time that she just wanted to hurt me as much as she could because I brought up the "sex" thing again. Now, many years later, I think she meant it. Sad!

I got a divorce at age 62 after 34 years of marriage, the last 8 years of which -- and much of the rest of the marriage -- were completely sexless. To my joy, I have found that I still am a sexual person. I ended up in a fulfilling relationship -- sexual and romantic --with a single man my age.

At age 59, you may have almost 30 years of life left if you live a normal life span. It's up to you how you spend it. I do not regret at all leaving my marriage. I would rather have no relationship at all than still be in the barren marriage I was in.

Thank You, it is good to know there is still some hope.

Mettamomma, I am so happy to see your happy ending here. Good for you. May you and your new beau spend as much time in blissful lovemaking now as you spent wanting for this during your former marriage!

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You know marriage is about going through the good and bad times. Giving each other room and understanding, compromising, and being patient. I have given understanding and time for him to address his issue. All the while indicating to him every once and a while that I am still very much attracted to him and he makes me horny just by looking at him and I want sex. I can't caress or touch him without getting horny.

But ultimately, in my case being 43 and for 15 years of marriage we have had no sex. Sex stopped right before we got married. Didn't even have sex on our 2 week honeymoon in hawaii.

It is selfish in a massive way on his part. And he knows I am horny and I want the intimacy. And instead he has moved even sleeping into the other room. We no longer even share the same bed as of a couple of years ago.

Sorry, but even if he doesn't want to get it up. he should still love me enough to want to please me in a oral way. And he hasn't offered to do that either!

And the sad thing is a few months ago, I found out he wears diapers at night. yes right after we got married he started wearing diapers. He waited for me to go to sleep to put them on and would always wake before me. I am a sound sleeper.

And no, I don't think I would have married a man with a diaper fetish. But he claims that fetish didn't start until we got married.

And no he didn't tell me this secret. He accidentally left out one of his diapers on the kitchen counter.

And yes he defecates in his diapers at night. he says only #1 but who knows.

I also found out 5-10 years ago he rather stick a piece of plastic tubing of his pee hole and jack off, then to get a blow job from his wife. All these years I just thought I wasn't doing it right. Maybe not? But after finding the diapers a few months ago, I wonder if it is my ability to give a blow job. Or his issue. All these years he has made me think through actions (not words) that I just wasn't cutting it.

And the plastic tubing was another secret I found out by accident through looking at credit card billing statements.

Again had I known that I would not have married him.

The question is do I stay with him. because this is not the only behavioral issues he has. I am starting to think about my exit strategy.

Last night I got dolled up we went out to a local concert with him. Came back home. He was letting the dog out to go to bed. And I was horny, and I expressed it in a very physical way. kissing, touching, rubbing.

All he could say after 5 minutes and no arousal was he wasn't interested, he was tired.

I said, you don't find me attractive and I am just not doing it for you uh? He said "I Love you". I said that wasn't the question. And he gave this sad little sound.

I said I am so horny my vagina is pulsating.

then we kissed and he went to HIS bedroom and went to bed.

Yet my heart breaks every time I think of us being apart.

But I honestly can't see our future together. Growing old. All I can see is him and his brother growing old and living in the same house together.

And it makes me extremely sad because I love him so deeply.

Sometimes love can't conquer all I guess.

The only good thing is we have no children. I was wise enough to not do that.

We're all in this together but Yet We're all in this all alone too! I've never been married and more likely I won't coz I'm not marriage material and My genes aren't for spawning kids. People in My family are insane. I have nightmares after dealing with them because they scarred Me for life when I was little. It seems I have issues Myself, I know. I like to try and have My life as serene as possible.

You can have healing and a loving partner. You just have to seek it with everything you've got.

good heavens! Lovinita your situation sounds so familiar.

The betrayal is on so many levels.

He refused(es) to really reveal his sexual interests with you.
He sold you something fake --a package of garbage with a deceptive label.
He promised to be the one and only source of love and sexual happiness so you would need no other.
He has never, for one day met his promises to you.

The fact that he hides his real sexuality from you and your only source of info is your accidental discovery of evidence has to hurt more than anything.

Why can't these people stop gaming and just be honest? Everyone would be so much happier in the end. Everyone would be given accurate information that would facilitate an informed choice for all concerned.

What is he giving you really? Maybe you two can come to an understanding that since he gets his diaper fun and exemptions from conjugal duties, you will outsource those, effective immediately!

If he can have his sexual needs fulfilled through his diaper fetish, surely it would be fair for you to have your needs fulfilled via outsourcing or leaving the marriage. He is cheating you by taking care of only himself sexually. You don't have to accept a relationship in which he gets sexual fulfillment and you get nothing.

No he doesn't love you at all. Love is action. It is a verb. If he loved you, he would care deeply about your need and have a longing to fulfill it in anyway he can, even if he is sexually unable to get aroused with you. He would at least eat your puss*, make you ***, etc at every opportunity. If he is having a hard time even doing that, then he would at least show a willingness to communicate about it and/or seek sexual counseling from a good sex therapist (Have you tried asking him to communicate or try that?).

This is a rather sick story - the diapers and feces and tubing etc while depriving his own wife of love. He has very serious psychological problems.

Sounds like he's got a lot of issues. You need counseling to sort all of this out. This sounds devastating to a person. His behaviors can only hurt you. Please get help.

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Liked what you said, but i'm trapped. Meaning I have a 6 year old son who I don't want to hurt, and the thought of not seeing him everyday would kill me. Plus the financial part of it, I'd lose the house,truck etc... She doesn't care about sex, its been a problem for 6-8 years now.. I beg for it, and it happens once every 3-4 months.. She's a excellent mother, and very responsible person, I'm slowly dying inside, and feel trapped.. Don't have the heart to cheat.

At least get counseling so you can get support and figure out some options that might make your life more fulfilling.

Have you talked to a good divorce lawyer to find out what your rights would be if you divorce? There are people who amicably divorce and then continue to live together or down the street from each other so both can have daily involvement in their children's lives.

Get online and find a lawyer specializing in marital fraud lawsuits. It won't help in the divorce per-se, but it can help you get back your possessions once you demonstrate to the court that the marriage is a fraud, by her choice, and therefore she is not entitled to profit by tort (or even crime).

NO she is NOT an excellent mother or responsible person. She is depriving the father of her child of love. That's as loveless and irresponsible as a human being can possibly be. It terrifies me to think there are people who are that out of touch relationally and intimately.

Sex has been a problem for 6-8 years. Your son is 6. Sounds like she had sex to use you as a ***** donor, and you are using the resulting child as your reason for staying in the marriage. It is possible to be a caring, involved father after divorce. For some people, losing things like a house and truck would be worth it if that was the way to free themselves from a miserable relationship.

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I'm not sure of your age but that could be a factor..In my case I call it gone with the wind..We have 4 kids all grown up and the wife needs surgery to pull everything back together..She's also not interested because her religion is much stronger..It sounds like an excuse but you can't fight city hall..I've been there and done that too so for any of you young timers...your future is up to you and yes there are other amenities a long time partner has...Sex isn't everything..but does help..!

Erin, I'm your age, and I divorced earlier this year from a 34-year marriage that was sexless the last 8 years, and mainly sexless many of the other years.

I now have a boyfriend my age, and sex definitely is not gone with the wind. Typical weekend we have sex at least 5 times. And that's what we do on the weekend.

During the last years of being with my refuser, I seldom thought about sex. I didn't even think I remembered how to do it. After I filed for divorce, my libido came roaring back, and when almost a year later, I became involved in a romance, I started having the best sex ever in my life.

I have women friends up to age 82 who are having fulfilling sex with their husbands and partners, so I believe one can have a delightful sex life for virtually all of one's life. I will never ever settle for a partner who thinks that celibacy is the way to lead one's life.

Fifteen points to you mettamomma! NEVER let them take your lust away