Never Thought This Would Be Me

We have been married 5 1/2 years.  My husband lost interest in sex about 2 years ago.  He says it's a medical thing.  Actually, he has said it's many different things.  I'm too pushy, he's used all his erections up, his penis is broken, I'm a nympho and on and on.  The bottom line is, he isn't interested in sex and he has no intention of changing it or getting help.  Funny thing is, he had an affair while he was married to his last wife because she didn't want to have sex when he did.  The tables have turned I guess.  Now he gets mad when I ask him what I am supposed to do when I still have needs.  He has no response!  So sad!  I get very tired of all the stories about the woman always being the one that never wants to have sex!  It isn't always that way ~ and I know where there is one who is ready and willing but doesn't have an interested partner!

Soph Soph
51-55, F
25 Responses Apr 18, 2008

If you are incompatible, and have tried an open dialogue and counseling, then be honest and get a divorce. Don't betray your family, including your children, who will be profoundly damaged by an affair -- if that is what you are thinking (I am reading between the lines).<br />
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I am an American man who has travelled extensively overseas. What I have observed, quite honestly, is that the majority of women around the world are most worried about their children's safety and proper nutrition (i.e., not starving to death). Americans and Western Europeans seem to have the unique luxury of worrying about the sufficiency of their sex lives.<br />
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If you study Buddhism and Jainism, one of their core tenets is non-attachment to the physical. The belief is that individuals who attach themselves to the physical world, which is fleeting, rather than realizing they are a unit of consciousness, tend to bring misery on themselves. This is why many dedicated practicioners of Buddhism can abstain from sex and be no worse for it. Westerners tend to have a rational materialistic view of the world.<br />
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Biologically, many men (and women) lose interest in their spouses, but still have sexual libido. This is probably nature's way of moving us onto new gene pools. However, hopefully we have evolved beyond being animals in search of mere genetic diversity.<br />
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Good luck.

i could help but im in florida

It feels so unfair in the way destiny matches us. Here we have couples with the wife craving for sex and the husband not caring about it and on the other hand other couples where the wife does not want it. <br />
Can we re-throw the dice and hope for a better match ? I would love so much to start over again and find a wife that will have passion and desire just like the one that is burning inside of me !

I'm the same. I'm the woman and crave sex or even some sensuality. The other day we talked about it again - all three kids were away for the weekend with grandparents and he wants to just relax, watch movies and read. No intimacy. When I bring it up, he says it's too much work. He doesn't like foreplay and would rather just relax. I said "since when am I that girl?? You want to have a quicky, then let's have a quicky I'm game to do anything!" But his argument is just the thought of it, exhausts him. I don't understand this way of thinking. It's so frustrating.

Wish I had a women interested. My wife thinks most women are not into it. I know that is not true. Sometimes I wish I had a nympho.

Same advice that I've given before: Go to It describes couples who decide to free the wife, with husband's permission to find inimacy elsewhere. They describe about as many different approaches as grains of sand on the beach.<br />
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Not for everyone.

I've been married for ten years. the sex was ok during the first year after I had my first child it practically disappeared. I had to ask for it whenever i really needed it and he would turn me down 3 times out of 4. sometimes even 4 out of four. So hurtful. Caused a lot of fights between us. This went on for years. I would ask him once in a while if i did something wrong. He made it like it was my fault. I was too demanding. that i should not want sex too much because I was a woman. Blah, blah, blah. I tried to change myself. I tried to put all my energies into other things. To express my love for him in the best asexual physical way I used to drive for him. He was my passenger. I was always the driver. and to take my mind off it I also took violin, guitar lessons. took my kids to swimming lessons, sang in church, kept house, etc. It was never enough to quench my desires. I always wanted physical love with him. But I kept it to myself. But during the times it got too hard I would sometimes ask how it was that he could stand to have no sex for so long. He said that was just the way he is. But that was a lie. and I found out the hard way. One night while it was still dark. probably 2 or 3 am, I woke up for no reason but instead of gettng up I just lay there just waiting to fall back to sleep. Then I saw it. I thought, "was that what I thought it was?" then I shifted ever so slightly but I was pretending to be asleep. He stopped for a second but when he was satisfied that I was asleep he continued what he was doing till he climaxed. I was enraged! but I waited for morning before I confronted him. At first he denied it. But I didn;t budge. little by little the truth came out. he was addicted to ************ and to *****. I was so hurt I slapped him so hard. I'm still hurting up to now. He promised he wouldnt do it agin and that he would give me what was rightfully mine. it worked for a week. probably two. now he's back at it. i know because we have zero sex again. it's so sad. I'm just so hurt. I want to scream. I want to hit his face with a hammer, It it weren;t for my wonderful kids I would wish I could take back the years and just not marry him. He is a liar and a cheat. He imagines sex with all those ***** on internet **** sites. Then he lets me rot away even while I'm still living. I hate him so much. I wish I could just not desire sex anymore. I actually have even considered complete ovario hysterectomy. but thats just a daydream of course. Sometimes I even dream about catching him in the act and bobbitizing him. I would enjoy that. I really would.

thank you! it finally doesn't matter to me anymore. it's too bad, but so much time has gone by that it truly doesn't matter. we don't sleep in the same room, we don't talk much, we just happen to live in the same house. very sad, but very finished.

OUCH! Well put, LoneRichard. And thank you for your honesty, ex wasn't interested in me for the last 4 years of our marriage. i was so humiliated, I had always been taught that men want it more than women and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I started exercising like crazy, spent lots of money on my face, and none of it was the point. The sex problem was just a symptom, the fact was that we never should have married. We are now very close friends, we have a beautiful son together, and i am still alone but no longer believe that there is something wrong with me. I believe that someday I will meet a man who will find my love a sex to be a gift and a delight...until then, thank God for batteries, otherwise I would have chronic tendonitis. I wish you courage in finding your way...

Sounds like the penis may not be the only thing broken in this relationship.

I wish I knew!!

how do we get rid of some of those dots????????

Yes I remember.....................<br />

yes, there's that distance thing we keep talking about ~ remember?

I damn well would be, If given a chance!!!

apparently not!

And you.. I think are indeed a lady a man could be proud to be with.......TR

TheRealizer ~ thank you. You are as always, a gentleman!

I hope you will find an answer, I can offer only sympathy.......

sometimes I think maybe, guilt? I don't know anymore. It is beginning to not matter anymore ~ I mean the sex with him. I think it's time to move on to other issues and finding the way out.

I really don't understand the defensiveness of the partner who isn't interested in sex. One would think that their overriding concern would be for caring for their mate's needs. That is rarely the case, it seems.

pondering yes, but, i won't lower myself to his level. i'll get out first.

It is sad that a bunch of relationships have one partner who is not interested in sex. Many of us are left out............pondering looking elsewhere....

You mean his previous affairs???? He's a dog alright!

It's almost like he's punishing you for his ex-wife? Or his guilt about his previous affair?<br />
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Whatever the cause, it's not fair on you.