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"Waiting" to Live In a Sexless Marriage

I'm not even married yet, but I'm already tired of crying over the rejection and plummeting self esteem.  I searched "support for sexless marriage" this am, because I was going to have yet another talk with my fiance about our sexual relationship.  Then I remember he's got a golf tournament today  So, it will be at least 12 hours (before I want to distract him), but I'm needing to vent now. Please excuse typos. 

I'm 25.  He's 39.  We got engaged after 3 years of dating and are planning to marry in December.  I love him.  He loves me.  Couldn't live without each other.  But I'm so frustrated.  I'm tired of the humiliating rejection.  

 He is romantic, thoughtful, and caring. That makes it even harder that he won't prioritize our sex life.  I do think that it is an issue of priorities.  We've got all the scapegoats here:  weight gain (him and me), stress (we are finally moving out of my grandfather's home after being displaced by a hurricane and we're starting a new business), smoking, and excessive alcohol. 

But doesn't it make it sting a little bit more that he knows I'm in pain and won't make the effort (as I see it) to change?

I hear and read advice for "frigid" women that, for various reasons, you should be willing to have sex whenever your partner wants it.  Well, obvously he isn't going to make that effort, and to be honest, I'm getting bitter.   I used to be waiting like a puppy dog, but things are getting more and more complicated the longer we don't have sex. 

I'm almost afraid to ask, "So, am I crazy to get married?"

Has anyone ever heard of the idea of scheduling sex?  Doesn't that sound like it came from someone who is having sex on a normal basis anyway?  I'm still thinking of trying it. 

Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

searching searching 21-25, F 45 Responses Feb 25, 2007

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I hope that you didn't marry this man...

This post was written in 2007. Do you have any follow-up to share?

i am like the other person if you do not want to deal with this for the rest of your life dont marry him.

i could just repeat this,, this says everything !!! ditto,,,ditto,,,ditto !!

My wife and I had a great sex life and she proposed to me. When we did get married she was already starting to deny me sex for every little reason. In fact we got married 2/29/08 and it was not till 3/30/08 before she had sex with me. In my opinion if you see whats happening now you can either fix it leave it or stay with it. I think it would have been better if I had addressed the issues before we got married and I was cut down to once a year.

I am a 70 y/o man in a sexless marriage that I am the cause of. A few years ago I lost one of my eyes and that was about the time I became impotent. 15-18% of reported marriages are sexless...and it can happen in any marriage for many different reasons, physical, mental and emotional. It is often a symptom of deeper problems that are not being addressed in the relationship, and could be by a good qualified professional counsellor...but only if both parties want to work on it to try to save their marriage. It can happen to both men and women, altho most of the time women feel they are the cause of it for one reason or another, which of course as you know is not true. If the marriage vows of "For better or for worse" mean anything to you, the solutiion to the problem does not include walking out on or leaving your partner, as so many women think they have no choice but to do...there are other options, but both partners have to be ready, able and willing to learn about these options if they are going to make their marriage a totally viable sexual relationship. One person cannot do it alone...no matter how much he or she wants to. And, of course, the sooner you both start to work on it the easier it is, as well as the chances of successfully turning the relationship around. It will not get better by itself and both of the partners must be totally committed to working on it. Going to a couples therapist may not save the marriage, but it will allow the participants to learn why they are doing what they are doing, and that is a good beginning first step in the right direction. I have studied and learned this on my own, and am hoping that my wife will allow me to help solve my/our problem of sexless marriage by allowing me or us to at least try counselling before pulling the plug. I love my wife very very much and cannot imagine my remaining years without her...but I cannot do it alone.

So what kind of ideas do you have to solve the sex issue in your marriage, if you are impotent. I would be interested as I need to find a solution to a problem with some similarities to yours?!

have you tried viagra or cilias ??

If it is like this now just imagine what it will be like when you have that piece of paper that says you are together.... I hated my sexless marriage with my ex and told her so even went to say I want a divorce over it and she would do it with little to no pleasure involved and she wouldn't even get wet. I got out after going back to the normal no sex for months. So if it is like this now, just imagine when he is content in marriage..... don't do it a little hurt now is better then a lot of hurt later plus the expenses of the divorce.

Don't marry him unless you want to feel the way you do now for he rest of your life.

I hate to pile on, but please do not think that marriage will change anything. I was in a similar situation a year ago. I confronted my fiance and things got better for a short time. As the wedding approached, it reared its head again. We first decided to postpone the wedding, then at the last minute and after promises that she naively made and I stupidly believed we got married. Sex once on the honeymoon after a fight (shut-up sex) and once thereafter. We are on month eight since the last time. There have been books read and counseling. It created anger and resentment in me and she feels like a failure. POSTPONE the wedding and seek counseling. If a real, sustained change occurs, then go for it. As for me, I feel trapped. It was unfair and dishonest for both of us to go into this marriage.

Meat and potatoes are great together. But they need to be cooked differently, feel different in the mouth, taste completely different, have different textures, digest at different rates, Smell different when they come out separately and when if left to rot, they attract a miriad of different bugs as they rot away at different rates... <br />
<br />
We wouldn't put them together if they weren't so god together...<br />
But you can't breed from their pairing.<br />
They are naturally incompatible.<br />
<br />
They are great friends. It does not mean that they then have to be great lovers.<br />
DON'T marry your best friend.<br />
These marriages lack many forms of passion. <br />
Including loss of fun together as time goes on.<br />
<br />
Why risk a great, lifelong friendship by having an unpleasant, resentful marriage with no sexual passion?<br />
<br />
Marriage is like money. It is a great enhancer of existing problems.

Meat and potatoes are great together. But they need to be cooked differently, feel different in the mouth, taste completely different, have different textures, digest at different rates, Smell different when they come out separately and even if left to rot they attract a miriad of different bugs as they rot away at different rates... <br />
<br />
We wouldn't put them together if they weren't so good together as a meal...<br />
But you can't breed from their pairing.<br />
They are naturally incompatible.<br />
<br />
They are great friends. It does not mean that they then have to be great lovers.<br />
DON'T marry your best friend.<br />
These marriages lack many forms of passion. <br />
Including loss of fun together as time goes on.<br />
<br />
Why risk a great, lifelong friendship by having an unpleasant, resentful marriage with no sexual passion?

I love pot roast w potatoes &amp; carrots ....perhaps you need an addition to ur meat &amp; potatoes???

Save Urself. Don't get married if there is no sex. U will end up having an affair.

greatest advice ever

just be waiting behind door one evening when he gets home and drag him into the house and have your way with him. men do this with their women why not turn the tables on him

I have been married for a year and a half now, and even before the wedding I had doubts about the lack of sex in our relationship. Twice since getting married, I've come close to ending it, and I was certain it would be forever because "I love him, he loves me, we can't live without each other". Trust me, you can and you will be just fine. Get out now. Find someone you are more compatible with. I have no idea how long my marriage will hold up. We thought it was rock solid, but the lack of sex strains everything. It's a vicious cycle. He stops giving sex, you stop giving intimacy because he's not giving it to you...he gives less, you give less, pretty soon he's bitching because you forgot to give him some meaningless, chaste, emotionless "peck" that he expects when you get home from work - that's the extent of your intimacy. You're angry, hurt and feeling bad, so you start lashing out about other things, and pretty soon you're putting him down and being spiteful just because you're so damn mad. Then he really doesn't want to have sex, and almost has a good excuse for it - so when you try to bring it up, he'll tell you it's your fault because you're mean all the time. Of course you're mean, but you can't explain that to someone who wants it to be your fault. Then you stop caring, but at that point all you have the energy left for is to wonder what could have been. PLEASE just get out now.

U r wise.

Get out while you can I say. I agree with everyone who says do not marry. You know what you desire in a partner. This man is not it. I'm confident you will find what you need.

Find phermonoes on the internet and buy some. Use some.<br />
<br />
PheromoneFrom Wikipedia, the free encyclopediaJump to: navigation, search <br />
<br />
Fanning honeybee exposes Nasonov gland (white-at tip of abdomen) releasing pheromone to entice swarm into an empty hiveA pheromone (from Greek φέρω phero "to bear" + hormone from Greek ὁρμή - "impetus") is a secreted or excreted chemical factor that triggers a social response in members of the same species. Pheromones are chemicals capable of acting outside the body of the secreting individual to impact the behavior of the receiving individual.[1] There are alarm pheromones, food trail pheromones, sex pheromones, and many others that affect behavior or physiology. Their use among insects has been particularly well documented. In addition, some vertebrates and plants communicate by using pheromones.

I need to suggest you put your foot down, give it one last try and if it doesn't improve dramitically, leave. I have been married 26 years have 3 kids all 8 years apart. Want to know why, my birth control is excellent, no sex. I had sex daily prior to marriage, yes even during my monthly, now I can count on one hand how many times a year I get some. This has gone on for 20 years. If I could do it all over again, I would have gotten out year 3 when I first left him and stayed out. I have given him the best of my years, those young firm, greyless perky years that many men would devour. Do you want to live my story?

I seriously want to yell, "Dear God....please don't go through with it...."<br />
I did and it just got worse.<br />
<br />
I am wishing you the best possible outcome.

Oh your in trouble, him been 39 he will need to start on Viagra to keep up with your young azz, LOL, and been in his line of work , he might be getting more than enough out there.. Ummm, but at his age, and you at 25, your in for some sexless life hun.. start stacking those toys you'll need them, :) Good Luck!

Sorry, in my opinion YEP! you'd be crazy to get married it is not going to get any better after marriage.

RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN...................................................

but all the reply above are correct...things will never get better...don't blame yourself...you are good freinds but not compatable in a very important way. Believe me, I know, I have been married to a good friend who has no interest in sex for 30 years!

you know, schedualing sex might not work but schedualing a weekly date night...or if thats too much then every other night. make it a priority....that might work.

I just think that too many people get themselves into marriages that they are determined to "make work". Why do that? Why force yourself to stay in a relationship where a HUGE component does not fit or work? If he's not that interested in sex that IS Ok. He doesn't have to be. But since you clearly are interested, you two are just not a good match. There are plenty of women out there who are not very interested in sex and he would be much happier with one of them, just like there are plenty of men who would be very glad to have sex with you, and I think if you are honest with yourself, you KNOW that you would be much happier with one of them. <br />
<br />
The absolute ONLY point of marriage is to find a partner who is well suited to you and who makes you happy. You have not found that with this person. Don't marry him.

Having just escaped a sexless marriage, I am telling you to run. Run fast and far. I saw problems like this too before we got married and I went through with it anyway. It is, without doubt, the biggest mistake I ever made. I loved him madly, couldn't imagine life without him and told myself I could do without to get the other stuff. Trust me, you will grow to resent and eventually hate your spouse - and yourself. And you'll need a lot of time and therapy and a divorce attorney to get out of it and get back to who you were when it's all said and done. And for the love of God, do not have children with this man.<br />
<br />
If he loved you, he'd address what's important to you, pronto. And you wouldn't have to beg for it.

Don't get married with the situation like this. Also, if he seems to have lost interest in sex maybe he should see a doctor. Also, weight gain and being out of shape can kill the libido.

You are not even married yet and you are not having sex? That is not a good omen. I am no expert but I would make one last effort at talking to him and if that does not work.....bail. Sounds like there are alot of issues there and the age difference is one of them. I am in-between the ages of yourself and your fiance and let me tell you, things can change (especially for guys). This just does not sound like a good start. You rarely hear about sex problems before a marrage and it usually gets worse (not better) after the fact

Alana described exacly how many of us feel after spending almost a decade with a man that finds every excuse in the world, even fake angry, to avoid sex. They don't care what you feel. my husband would use any of my comments to acuse me on picking a fight, then he'll stop talking to me for weeks. He's the money maker in the house, he thinks that I'm nothing without him. As less intimacy, as better. Within the years, there's not absolutely emotional intimacy either. Now, we're living as roomates that have nothing to talk about. His rejection is not only sexual but in every level. He has not regrets for any of these unloving actions, he believes that I should be Ok with how hard he works for the family. Twelve years into this nightmare is enough. I wish I could read the early signs into my marriage... internet ****, ***** clubs, coldness, indiference; and always wishing for the change that never happened; and I'm OUT OF THIS MISERABLE LIFE. I'm 37, with a great body, spirit and great music career, three adorable children that I KNOW WILL UNDERSTAND SOME DAY why I had to divorce their dad, (that will show them that is perfectly Ok to take care of their own happiness) and a great hope for a bright future, including a pair of loving arms around me every night, great sex, endless kisses and tons of laugh... that I've almost forgot. Good luck to all of you.

Alana described exacly how many of us feel after spending almost a decade with a man that finds every excuse in the world, even fake angry, to avoid sex. They don't care what you feel. my husband would use any of my comments to acuse me on picking a fight, then he'll stop talking to me for weeks. He's the money maker in the house, he thinks that I'm nothing without him. As less intimacy, as better. Within the years, there's not absolutely emotional intimacy either. Now, we're living as roomates that have nothing to talk about. His rejection is not only sexual but in every level. He has not regrets for any of these unloving actions, he believes that I should be Ok with how hard he works for the family. Twelve years into this nightmare is enough. I wish I could read the early signs into my marriage... internet ****, ***** clubs, coldness, indiference; and always wishing for the change that never happened; and I'm OUT OF THIS MISERABLE LIFE. I'm 37, with a great body, spirit and great music career, three adorable children that I KNOW WILL UNDERSTAND SOME DAY why I had to divorce their dad, (that will show them that is perfectly Ok to take care of their own happiness) and a great hope for a bright future, including a pair of loving arms around me every night, great sex, endless kisses and tons of laugh... that I've almost forgot. Good luck to all of you.

Thanks for that post. I hope you meet a man that ravishes you lol. But you have given me hope as am scared to
Leave as I have children. Best of luck with your future.

He may agree to anything you say to begin with, but trust me I know (20 years of this rubbish) he WILL resort to the same behavour. Get out, you can do much better and you know it or you wouldn't be asking for conformation to your gut feelings.

I got to tell you I had aot of the same issues before I married my husband 6 years ago, I thought I could change him or something, things would improve. I was wrong, and now I have a beloved 4 year old who deserves 2 parents so really think about this. Physical and emotional needs not being met really get harder and harder to deal with as time goes on. I have had many many attempts to talk to him and he just looks straight ahead like I am not talking, then I feel ashamed of myself for trying again, like I have no pride at all. Love my child, but in hindsite I shouldn't of married him knowing this problem.