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"Waiting" to Live In a Sexless Marriage

I'm not even married yet, but I'm already tired of crying over the rejection and plummeting self esteem.  I searched "support for sexless marriage" this am, because I was going to have yet another talk with my fiance about our sexual relationship.  Then I remember he's got a golf tournament today  So, it will be at least 12 hours (before I want to distract him), but I'm needing to vent now. Please excuse typos. 

I'm 25.  He's 39.  We got engaged after 3 years of dating and are planning to marry in December.  I love him.  He loves me.  Couldn't live without each other.  But I'm so frustrated.  I'm tired of the humiliating rejection.  

 He is romantic, thoughtful, and caring. That makes it even harder that he won't prioritize our sex life.  I do think that it is an issue of priorities.  We've got all the scapegoats here:  weight gain (him and me), stress (we are finally moving out of my grandfather's home after being displaced by a hurricane and we're starting a new business), smoking, and excessive alcohol. 

But doesn't it make it sting a little bit more that he knows I'm in pain and won't make the effort (as I see it) to change?

I hear and read advice for "frigid" women that, for various reasons, you should be willing to have sex whenever your partner wants it.  Well, obvously he isn't going to make that effort, and to be honest, I'm getting bitter.   I used to be waiting like a puppy dog, but things are getting more and more complicated the longer we don't have sex. 

I'm almost afraid to ask, "So, am I crazy to get married?"

Has anyone ever heard of the idea of scheduling sex?  Doesn't that sound like it came from someone who is having sex on a normal basis anyway?  I'm still thinking of trying it. 

Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

searching searching 18-21, F 46 Responses Feb 25, 2007

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This will sound hard but things will only become messier and more complicated. My advice to you is to walk away while you can. Good luck.

I hope that you didn't marry this man...

This post was written in 2007. Do you have any follow-up to share?

i am like the other person if you do not want to deal with this for the rest of your life dont marry him.

i could just repeat this,, this says everything !!! ditto,,,ditto,,,ditto !!

My wife and I had a great sex life and she proposed to me. When we did get married she was already starting to deny me sex for every little reason. In fact we got married 2/29/08 and it was not till 3/30/08 before she had sex with me. In my opinion if you see whats happening now you can either fix it leave it or stay with it. I think it would have been better if I had addressed the issues before we got married and I was cut down to once a year.

I am a 70 y/o man in a sexless marriage that I am the cause of. A few years ago I lost one of my eyes and that was about the time I became impotent. 15-18% of reported marriages are sexless...and it can happen in any marriage for many different reasons, physical, mental and emotional. It is often a symptom of deeper problems that are not being addressed in the relationship, and could be by a good qualified professional counsellor...but only if both parties want to work on it to try to save their marriage. It can happen to both men and women, altho most of the time women feel they are the cause of it for one reason or another, which of course as you know is not true. If the marriage vows of "For better or for worse" mean anything to you, the solutiion to the problem does not include walking out on or leaving your partner, as so many women think they have no choice but to do...there are other options, but both partners have to be ready, able and willing to learn about these options if they are going to make their marriage a totally viable sexual relationship. One person cannot do it alone...no matter how much he or she wants to. And, of course, the sooner you both start to work on it the easier it is, as well as the chances of successfully turning the relationship around. It will not get better by itself and both of the partners must be totally committed to working on it. Going to a couples therapist may not save the marriage, but it will allow the participants to learn why they are doing what they are doing, and that is a good beginning first step in the right direction. I have studied and learned this on my own, and am hoping that my wife will allow me to help solve my/our problem of sexless marriage by allowing me or us to at least try counselling before pulling the plug. I love my wife very very much and cannot imagine my remaining years without her...but I cannot do it alone.

So what kind of ideas do you have to solve the sex issue in your marriage, if you are impotent. I would be interested as I need to find a solution to a problem with some similarities to yours?!

have you tried viagra or cilias ??

If it is like this now just imagine what it will be like when you have that piece of paper that says you are together.... I hated my sexless marriage with my ex and told her so even went to say I want a divorce over it and she would do it with little to no pleasure involved and she wouldn't even get wet. I got out after going back to the normal no sex for months. So if it is like this now, just imagine when he is content in marriage..... don't do it a little hurt now is better then a lot of hurt later plus the expenses of the divorce.

Don't marry him unless you want to feel the way you do now for he rest of your life.

I hate to pile on, but please do not think that marriage will change anything. I was in a similar situation a year ago. I confronted my fiance and things got better for a short time. As the wedding approached, it reared its head again. We first decided to postpone the wedding, then at the last minute and after promises that she naively made and I stupidly believed we got married. Sex once on the honeymoon after a fight (shut-up sex) and once thereafter. We are on month eight since the last time. There have been books read and counseling. It created anger and resentment in me and she feels like a failure. POSTPONE the wedding and seek counseling. If a real, sustained change occurs, then go for it. As for me, I feel trapped. It was unfair and dishonest for both of us to go into this marriage.

Meat and potatoes are great together. But they need to be cooked differently, feel different in the mouth, taste completely different, have different textures, digest at different rates, Smell different when they come out separately and when if left to rot, they attract a miriad of different bugs as they rot away at different rates... <br />
<br />
We wouldn't put them together if they weren't so god together...<br />
But you can't breed from their pairing.<br />
They are naturally incompatible.<br />
<br />
They are great friends. It does not mean that they then have to be great lovers.<br />
DON'T marry your best friend.<br />
These marriages lack many forms of passion. <br />
Including loss of fun together as time goes on.<br />
<br />
Why risk a great, lifelong friendship by having an unpleasant, resentful marriage with no sexual passion?<br />
<br />
Marriage is like money. It is a great enhancer of existing problems.

Meat and potatoes are great together. But they need to be cooked differently, feel different in the mouth, taste completely different, have different textures, digest at different rates, Smell different when they come out separately and even if left to rot they attract a miriad of different bugs as they rot away at different rates... <br />
<br />
We wouldn't put them together if they weren't so good together as a meal...<br />
But you can't breed from their pairing.<br />
They are naturally incompatible.<br />
<br />
They are great friends. It does not mean that they then have to be great lovers.<br />
DON'T marry your best friend.<br />
These marriages lack many forms of passion. <br />
Including loss of fun together as time goes on.<br />
<br />
Why risk a great, lifelong friendship by having an unpleasant, resentful marriage with no sexual passion?

I love pot roast w potatoes &amp; carrots ....perhaps you need an addition to ur meat &amp; potatoes???

Save Urself. Don't get married if there is no sex. U will end up having an affair.

greatest advice ever

just be waiting behind door one evening when he gets home and drag him into the house and have your way with him. men do this with their women why not turn the tables on him

I have been married for a year and a half now, and even before the wedding I had doubts about the lack of sex in our relationship. Twice since getting married, I've come close to ending it, and I was certain it would be forever because "I love him, he loves me, we can't live without each other". Trust me, you can and you will be just fine. Get out now. Find someone you are more compatible with. I have no idea how long my marriage will hold up. We thought it was rock solid, but the lack of sex strains everything. It's a vicious cycle. He stops giving sex, you stop giving intimacy because he's not giving it to you...he gives less, you give less, pretty soon he's bitching because you forgot to give him some meaningless, chaste, emotionless "peck" that he expects when you get home from work - that's the extent of your intimacy. You're angry, hurt and feeling bad, so you start lashing out about other things, and pretty soon you're putting him down and being spiteful just because you're so damn mad. Then he really doesn't want to have sex, and almost has a good excuse for it - so when you try to bring it up, he'll tell you it's your fault because you're mean all the time. Of course you're mean, but you can't explain that to someone who wants it to be your fault. Then you stop caring, but at that point all you have the energy left for is to wonder what could have been. PLEASE just get out now.

U r wise.

Get out while you can I say. I agree with everyone who says do not marry. You know what you desire in a partner. This man is not it. I'm confident you will find what you need.

Find phermonoes on the internet and buy some. Use some.<br />
<br />
PheromoneFrom Wikipedia, the free encyclopediaJump to: navigation, search <br />
<br />
Fanning honeybee exposes Nasonov gland (white-at tip of abdomen) releasing pheromone to entice swarm into an empty hiveA pheromone (from Greek φέρω phero "to bear" + hormone from Greek ὁρμή - "impetus") is a secreted or excreted chemical factor that triggers a social response in members of the same species. Pheromones are chemicals capable of acting outside the body of the secreting individual to impact the behavior of the receiving individual.[1] There are alarm pheromones, food trail pheromones, sex pheromones, and many others that affect behavior or physiology. Their use among insects has been particularly well documented. In addition, some vertebrates and plants communicate by using pheromones.

I need to suggest you put your foot down, give it one last try and if it doesn't improve dramitically, leave. I have been married 26 years have 3 kids all 8 years apart. Want to know why, my birth control is excellent, no sex. I had sex daily prior to marriage, yes even during my monthly, now I can count on one hand how many times a year I get some. This has gone on for 20 years. If I could do it all over again, I would have gotten out year 3 when I first left him and stayed out. I have given him the best of my years, those young firm, greyless perky years that many men would devour. Do you want to live my story?

I seriously want to yell, "Dear God....please don't go through with it...."<br />
I did and it just got worse.<br />
<br />
I am wishing you the best possible outcome.

Oh your in trouble, him been 39 he will need to start on Viagra to keep up with your young azz, LOL, and been in his line of work , he might be getting more than enough out there.. Ummm, but at his age, and you at 25, your in for some sexless life hun.. start stacking those toys you'll need them, :) Good Luck!

Sorry, in my opinion YEP! you'd be crazy to get married it is not going to get any better after marriage.

RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN...................................................

but all the reply above are correct...things will never get better...don't blame yourself...you are good freinds but not compatable in a very important way. Believe me, I know, I have been married to a good friend who has no interest in sex for 30 years!

you know, schedualing sex might not work but schedualing a weekly date night...or if thats too much then every other night. make it a priority....that might work.

I just think that too many people get themselves into marriages that they are determined to "make work". Why do that? Why force yourself to stay in a relationship where a HUGE component does not fit or work? If he's not that interested in sex that IS Ok. He doesn't have to be. But since you clearly are interested, you two are just not a good match. There are plenty of women out there who are not very interested in sex and he would be much happier with one of them, just like there are plenty of men who would be very glad to have sex with you, and I think if you are honest with yourself, you KNOW that you would be much happier with one of them. <br />
<br />
The absolute ONLY point of marriage is to find a partner who is well suited to you and who makes you happy. You have not found that with this person. Don't marry him.

Having just escaped a sexless marriage, I am telling you to run. Run fast and far. I saw problems like this too before we got married and I went through with it anyway. It is, without doubt, the biggest mistake I ever made. I loved him madly, couldn't imagine life without him and told myself I could do without to get the other stuff. Trust me, you will grow to resent and eventually hate your spouse - and yourself. And you'll need a lot of time and therapy and a divorce attorney to get out of it and get back to who you were when it's all said and done. And for the love of God, do not have children with this man.<br />
<br />
If he loved you, he'd address what's important to you, pronto. And you wouldn't have to beg for it.

Don't get married with the situation like this. Also, if he seems to have lost interest in sex maybe he should see a doctor. Also, weight gain and being out of shape can kill the libido.

You are not even married yet and you are not having sex? That is not a good omen. I am no expert but I would make one last effort at talking to him and if that does not work.....bail. Sounds like there are alot of issues there and the age difference is one of them. I am in-between the ages of yourself and your fiance and let me tell you, things can change (especially for guys). This just does not sound like a good start. You rarely hear about sex problems before a marrage and it usually gets worse (not better) after the fact

Alana described exacly how many of us feel after spending almost a decade with a man that finds every excuse in the world, even fake angry, to avoid sex. They don't care what you feel. my husband would use any of my comments to acuse me on picking a fight, then he'll stop talking to me for weeks. He's the money maker in the house, he thinks that I'm nothing without him. As less intimacy, as better. Within the years, there's not absolutely emotional intimacy either. Now, we're living as roomates that have nothing to talk about. His rejection is not only sexual but in every level. He has not regrets for any of these unloving actions, he believes that I should be Ok with how hard he works for the family. Twelve years into this nightmare is enough. I wish I could read the early signs into my marriage... internet ****, ***** clubs, coldness, indiference; and always wishing for the change that never happened; and I'm OUT OF THIS MISERABLE LIFE. I'm 37, with a great body, spirit and great music career, three adorable children that I KNOW WILL UNDERSTAND SOME DAY why I had to divorce their dad, (that will show them that is perfectly Ok to take care of their own happiness) and a great hope for a bright future, including a pair of loving arms around me every night, great sex, endless kisses and tons of laugh... that I've almost forgot. Good luck to all of you.

Alana described exacly how many of us feel after spending almost a decade with a man that finds every excuse in the world, even fake angry, to avoid sex. They don't care what you feel. my husband would use any of my comments to acuse me on picking a fight, then he'll stop talking to me for weeks. He's the money maker in the house, he thinks that I'm nothing without him. As less intimacy, as better. Within the years, there's not absolutely emotional intimacy either. Now, we're living as roomates that have nothing to talk about. His rejection is not only sexual but in every level. He has not regrets for any of these unloving actions, he believes that I should be Ok with how hard he works for the family. Twelve years into this nightmare is enough. I wish I could read the early signs into my marriage... internet ****, ***** clubs, coldness, indiference; and always wishing for the change that never happened; and I'm OUT OF THIS MISERABLE LIFE. I'm 37, with a great body, spirit and great music career, three adorable children that I KNOW WILL UNDERSTAND SOME DAY why I had to divorce their dad, (that will show them that is perfectly Ok to take care of their own happiness) and a great hope for a bright future, including a pair of loving arms around me every night, great sex, endless kisses and tons of laugh... that I've almost forgot. Good luck to all of you.

Thanks for that post. I hope you meet a man that ravishes you lol. But you have given me hope as am scared to
Leave as I have children. Best of luck with your future.

He may agree to anything you say to begin with, but trust me I know (20 years of this rubbish) he WILL resort to the same behavour. Get out, you can do much better and you know it or you wouldn't be asking for conformation to your gut feelings.

I got to tell you I had aot of the same issues before I married my husband 6 years ago, I thought I could change him or something, things would improve. I was wrong, and now I have a beloved 4 year old who deserves 2 parents so really think about this. Physical and emotional needs not being met really get harder and harder to deal with as time goes on. I have had many many attempts to talk to him and he just looks straight ahead like I am not talking, then I feel ashamed of myself for trying again, like I have no pride at all. Love my child, but in hindsite I shouldn't of married him knowing this problem.

Hi what are you doing with u life dear u are only 25 only half of the entire life u have lead and remaining half is left. See to be frank sex makes a lot of difference in the relationship. If u feel like having sex have it first think of u r self and be happy then u can think about others let it be u r fiancee. ENJOY and be happy. Life is very small dear just dont waste that thinking . Do what ever u feel like doing in that moment and live everymoment of u r life. ALL THE BEST

As much as I love my husband, if I had known before we married that it would be like this, I never would have married him.

I say "Run like the wind!" You are still so young and idealistic, not older and jaded like I am. I've been living in a virtually sexless marriage for seven years. I now have about zero sense of self-worth and I feel as insecure as a teenager. I'm now in the process of divorcing my husband because I cannot imagine wasting another year of my life on him. My husband's excuses for lack of passion/ interest are never-ending and continually changing. I've heard everything from the sublime to the ridiculous. In the end, it's always my fault, of course. He always conveniently forgets that, in the beginning of our marriage, after months of my pleading and crying, he finally admitted that sex was unimportant to him and he just didn't enjoy it. He also thought there was something wrong with me for assigning any significance to sex in a marriage. There are so many more important things, according to him. After he forgot about his confession, his excuse was that he was too tired. Then his excuse was that I needed to walk around naked, that he needed to see me to feel any desire. Etc..., etc... I could run around naked, covered in chocolate for all he cared. Bottom line is that, if he had confessed his lack of interest before our marriage, I wouldn't be here now. Don't make the same mistake so many of us have. I can't imagine anyone advising you to marry when the problems already exist beforehand. Just remember that your needs are important and if you feel neglected now, it will only get worse.<br />
<br />
All the best...

Please don't marry this man! The pain of rejection ony gets worse.

Don#t even think of marriage if you are not sexully compatible because believe me sex is the glue thats holds it together!

i hate to say this, but if this is a problem BEFORE you even get married it's imo a RED FLAG. DON'T get married to him if things are this way now, Lord when your engaged you're suppose to be having some of the best sex of your life!! Marriage will NOT change a thing. AND love is not suppose to HURT, RUNNNNNNNN, but as i said that is just my opinion.

You need to speak up and go to pre-marital counselling. I wouldn't even be thinking of marriage in your situation. I suspect he is getting all the sex he needs just not with you. There are so many gay men who only marry because they want a family.

I agree with the last comment on so many levels. I was with someone that was about 12 years older. I did initiate sex and even then he declined. When we first started dating the sex was only on a regular basis the first 4 months. I was thin then and had a great figure. The sex started to slack soon into the relationship. Then when we did fool around he was more interested in his own gratification and not mine! I stayed in that relationship for 2 1/2 years. The last year and a half little by little I became depressed and started not to care how I looked. I gained a considerable amount of weight. Even though I wasn't shy about initiating sex after a while I started to feel like I had to beg for it. That became not only frustrating but very depressing. I finally ended that relationship. We were engaged too! I am so glad I didn't marry him. I think he was very selfish on so many levels. I find that when men are selfish about something like sex then they are probably very selfish in other aspects too so be aware of this! Don't kid yourself. I know sex isn't everything but it is a very important part of any relationship. I think sometimes the age difference does matter. I started to feel like I was with an old man! I would hold off on the wedding and really think this through before you leap any further but thats just my opinion.

Our sex-life was always a loving activity that brought us closer. It had meaning, for me, beyond the physical. Around 50 years old my wife changed, becoming abrasive, abusive and more moody than usual. She announced that she no longer wanted to have sex anymore. I was shocked, since it seemed to just come out of nowhere. Five years have passed and she is still the same. She feels that if she doesn't want a sexs-life that I am just stuck in the situation and that anything I mention about sex is dirty. When my kids leave the house, so will I. Just can't understand it and she refused to talk rationally about it. I am frustrated, confused and extremely unhappy.

how old r u?????
ive watched on tv before,the wife cant have sex with the husband anymore because as time passes by,she feels like the husband is her brother........goodluck!

i could be way outta line here, but is there a possible "medical problem" that could be inhibiting his wanting? sometimes as men mature things don't always cooperate and they get embarrassed about it. i don't suggest you bring that up if you are trying to initiate sex, but it could be a reason why he is avoiding it. then again it could not. if i were a man i might avoid it.... all i'm saying.

Alana was right...get the "f" out as soon as you can. Find someone who wants you as bad as you want them. They are out there. You may think it is too late and you have to go through with the marriage. Take it from me.....once you are in it....it is so difficult to get back out againl. Money..embarrassment..pride...it is so hard to leave. But as hard as all those things are...not nearly as hard as looking at your partner's back every night when you go to sleep...wishing..

Searching:<br />
<br />
Get out while you can. I remember the moment that I made the decision to go thorough with the marriage I am now in despite circumstances much like those you describe and I regret that decision almost daily. I know now that I just had no idea what year upon year with a "loving" man and no sex does to a woman's self-confidence and self-esteem. Its now almost 8 years later and I am incredibly miserable with no end in sight. I am even physically less attractive year by year as no one cares what I look like so I forget to take any pride in my appearence. Its been so long since mt husband indicated on any level that he finds me pretty I can't remember what its like to feel desirable.<br />
<br />
Cleopatra2007 - you described the first 4 years of my marriage. Talking about feelings, being sexy for a man who never makes one single crappy effort toward being sexually attractive for his woman, a man who nods and agrees when you talk about your needs then does absolutely nothing to meet them then doesn't understand why you are lonely and sad. <br />
<br />
My husband is frigid. All books and resources I have found talk about women being frigid. None deal with frigid men. They all talk about "erectile dysfunction" and physical stuff, which docotrs and psychologists have established is not mys husband's issue. He is not gay, either. He is fridid and apparently has no intention of ever putting any real effort into changing that despite the fact that he got married. <br />
<br />
I just found out during counseling this last year that he has being lying about have a low sex drive to me for these past 8 or so years. His sex drive is apparently normal. His hormone tests and response all checked wout medically. The counselor got him to admit he masturbates several times a week. He uses Internet **** and other things but shuts me out of "his sex life" because he does not want to communicate his preferences and "risk rejection". Hearing that it was completely okay with him for me to suffer rejection over the last 8-9 years but that his precious self must not be exposed to any risk of rejection because he is just so sensitive made me sick to my soul. What an incredibly selfish bastard I have married. What's worse is everyone telling me how lucky I am to have him cause he is such a nice guy.<br />
<br />
If you think you feel bad, just wait until your guy starts saying that your healthy interest in sex "emasculates him". My husband said that this past summer (after having sex once or twice that year) and I lost so much respect for him I don't know if I can continue in this sham much longer. <br />
<br />
Searching - I deserve better. You deserve better. Tell him he is a great guy and you really want to stay friends but go find a man who can't keep his hands off you and pouts when you are not in the mood. I am telling you, as I get ready to go lie in bed and look at my "loving" husband's back all night, I sure wish I had.<br />
<br />
- Best wishes.

I totally agree with you on this 10 years into my marriage , my husbands on testosterone , he has sleep apnea , we have done all this and his sex drive isn't there for me any way all though he swears its not me but its miserable , i know exactly how you feel , cleo get out while your young because when you get older things go south and you just let yourself go.

Wow! You sure you aren't married to my husband??? I'm married to the 'nicest ' bloke in the world. Except he won't can't doesn't put out and I have stopped asking. I blew $180 on a corset and $50 on some knickers for nothing. I wore it for our anniversary and nothing happened. I'm at the cross roads. I'm getting older and am not as hot as I once was. Grief and depression are
Taking their toll. Get out now. I'm ten years with this man and my penance is served. Xo

OMG we are married to the same man and have the exact same issues...how do we get out?

Nstar67, my fiance is also on testosterone, which I thought would be the answer to my prayers!! It's not. It's confusing tho, because although his testosterone is at normal levels now, he still has barely any sex drive (none for ME, certainly), and seems to have no interest in even sex by 'himself'! I don't get it!! And yes, it's miserable!! I feel for you more than you know!!

1 More Response

This is just a different perspective. why do you lay the burden of initiating sex on him? Why don't you for experiment's sake light some candles, run a nice bath (skip if he doesn't like baths), put on some nice perfume, nice underwear and just get him in the mood? Let's then see what he prioritizes. This is not about competition or waiting on the other person to take the first step. If you want it i.e. want him, go get him.. You didn't say you guys had no chemistry, you said you guys are using other activities as a cover to avoid sex... make an effort from your end.. also, don't expect things to change dramatically overnight.. just openly communicate to figure out what changed, explore why you guys are not having sex anymore and take steps gradually to get the relationship back on track.. Marriage is definitely not about hitting the road when you hit a road block.. Initially you guys are going to have to consciously take time out of your schedules and set it aside to do whatever..... it doesn't always have to be sex, it could be just fun stuff in bed you both enjoy doing.. be creative and don't be afraid to explore different things... talk to him, in a non resentful tone, remember neither you nor him are mind readers.. he probably needs to hear from you to realize how much this is affecting your relationship.. it's all the more important before you guys commit the rest of your lives together..

Oh so it is you that married my ex! I wondered where she went.

And yes love, you can live without him; when we are in love (as I am in love of my husband) we tend to think that; we can live with ourselves, human beings are more resilient that you may think.... You deserve much better....