"Waiting" to Live In a Sexless Marriage

I'm not even married yet, but I'm already tired of crying over the rejection and plummeting self esteem.  I searched "support for sexless marriage" this am, because I was going to have yet another talk with my fiance about our sexual relationship.  Then I remember he's got a golf tournament today  So, it will be at least 12 hours (before I want to distract him), but I'm needing to vent now. Please excuse typos. 

I'm 25.  He's 39.  We got engaged after 3 years of dating and are planning to marry in December.  I love him.  He loves me.  Couldn't live without each other.  But I'm so frustrated.  I'm tired of the humiliating rejection.  

 He is romantic, thoughtful, and caring. That makes it even harder that he won't prioritize our sex life.  I do think that it is an issue of priorities.  We've got all the scapegoats here:  weight gain (him and me), stress (we are finally moving out of my grandfather's home after being displaced by a hurricane and we're starting a new business), smoking, and excessive alcohol. 

But doesn't it make it sting a little bit more that he knows I'm in pain and won't make the effort (as I see it) to change?

I hear and read advice for "frigid" women that, for various reasons, you should be willing to have sex whenever your partner wants it.  Well, obvously he isn't going to make that effort, and to be honest, I'm getting bitter.   I used to be waiting like a puppy dog, but things are getting more and more complicated the longer we don't have sex. 

I'm almost afraid to ask, "So, am I crazy to get married?"

Has anyone ever heard of the idea of scheduling sex?  Doesn't that sound like it came from someone who is having sex on a normal basis anyway?  I'm still thinking of trying it. 

Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

searching searching
22-25, F
44 Responses Feb 25, 2007

As much as I love my husband, if I had known before we married that it would be like this, I never would have married him.

I say "Run like the wind!" You are still so young and idealistic, not older and jaded like I am. I've been living in a virtually sexless marriage for seven years. I now have about zero sense of self-worth and I feel as insecure as a teenager. I'm now in the process of divorcing my husband because I cannot imagine wasting another year of my life on him. My husband's excuses for lack of passion/ interest are never-ending and continually changing. I've heard everything from the sublime to the ridiculous. In the end, it's always my fault, of course. He always conveniently forgets that, in the beginning of our marriage, after months of my pleading and crying, he finally admitted that sex was unimportant to him and he just didn't enjoy it. He also thought there was something wrong with me for assigning any significance to sex in a marriage. There are so many more important things, according to him. After he forgot about his confession, his excuse was that he was too tired. Then his excuse was that I needed to walk around naked, that he needed to see me to feel any desire. Etc..., etc... I could run around naked, covered in chocolate for all he cared. Bottom line is that, if he had confessed his lack of interest before our marriage, I wouldn't be here now. Don't make the same mistake so many of us have. I can't imagine anyone advising you to marry when the problems already exist beforehand. Just remember that your needs are important and if you feel neglected now, it will only get worse.<br />
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All the best...

Please don't marry this man! The pain of rejection ony gets worse.

Don#t even think of marriage if you are not sexully compatible because believe me sex is the glue thats holds it together!

i hate to say this, but if this is a problem BEFORE you even get married it's imo a RED FLAG. DON'T get married to him if things are this way now, Lord when your engaged you're suppose to be having some of the best sex of your life!! Marriage will NOT change a thing. AND love is not suppose to HURT, RUNNNNNNNN, but as i said that is just my opinion.

You need to speak up and go to pre-marital counselling. I wouldn't even be thinking of marriage in your situation. I suspect he is getting all the sex he needs just not with you. There are so many gay men who only marry because they want a family.

I agree with the last comment on so many levels. I was with someone that was about 12 years older. I did initiate sex and even then he declined. When we first started dating the sex was only on a regular basis the first 4 months. I was thin then and had a great figure. The sex started to slack soon into the relationship. Then when we did fool around he was more interested in his own gratification and not mine! I stayed in that relationship for 2 1/2 years. The last year and a half little by little I became depressed and started not to care how I looked. I gained a considerable amount of weight. Even though I wasn't shy about initiating sex after a while I started to feel like I had to beg for it. That became not only frustrating but very depressing. I finally ended that relationship. We were engaged too! I am so glad I didn't marry him. I think he was very selfish on so many levels. I find that when men are selfish about something like sex then they are probably very selfish in other aspects too so be aware of this! Don't kid yourself. I know sex isn't everything but it is a very important part of any relationship. I think sometimes the age difference does matter. I started to feel like I was with an old man! I would hold off on the wedding and really think this through before you leap any further but thats just my opinion.

Our sex-life was always a loving activity that brought us closer. It had meaning, for me, beyond the physical. Around 50 years old my wife changed, becoming abrasive, abusive and more moody than usual. She announced that she no longer wanted to have sex anymore. I was shocked, since it seemed to just come out of nowhere. Five years have passed and she is still the same. She feels that if she doesn't want a sexs-life that I am just stuck in the situation and that anything I mention about sex is dirty. When my kids leave the house, so will I. Just can't understand it and she refused to talk rationally about it. I am frustrated, confused and extremely unhappy.

how old r u?????
ive watched on tv before,the wife cant have sex with the husband anymore because as time passes by,she feels like the husband is her brother........goodluck!

i could be way outta line here, but is there a possible "medical problem" that could be inhibiting his wanting? sometimes as men mature things don't always cooperate and they get embarrassed about it. i don't suggest you bring that up if you are trying to initiate sex, but it could be a reason why he is avoiding it. then again it could not. if i were a man i might avoid it.... all i'm saying.

Alana was right...get the "f" out as soon as you can. Find someone who wants you as bad as you want them. They are out there. You may think it is too late and you have to go through with the marriage. Take it from me.....once you are in it....it is so difficult to get back out againl. Money..embarrassment..pride...it is so hard to leave. But as hard as all those things are...not nearly as hard as looking at your partner's back every night when you go to sleep...wishing..

Searching:<br />
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Get out while you can. I remember the moment that I made the decision to go thorough with the marriage I am now in despite circumstances much like those you describe and I regret that decision almost daily. I know now that I just had no idea what year upon year with a "loving" man and no sex does to a woman's self-confidence and self-esteem. Its now almost 8 years later and I am incredibly miserable with no end in sight. I am even physically less attractive year by year as no one cares what I look like so I forget to take any pride in my appearence. Its been so long since mt husband indicated on any level that he finds me pretty I can't remember what its like to feel desirable.<br />
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Cleopatra2007 - you described the first 4 years of my marriage. Talking about feelings, being sexy for a man who never makes one single crappy effort toward being sexually attractive for his woman, a man who nods and agrees when you talk about your needs then does absolutely nothing to meet them then doesn't understand why you are lonely and sad. <br />
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My husband is frigid. All books and resources I have found talk about women being frigid. None deal with frigid men. They all talk about "erectile dysfunction" and physical stuff, which docotrs and psychologists have established is not mys husband's issue. He is not gay, either. He is fridid and apparently has no intention of ever putting any real effort into changing that despite the fact that he got married. <br />
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I just found out during counseling this last year that he has being lying about have a low sex drive to me for these past 8 or so years. His sex drive is apparently normal. His hormone tests and response all checked wout medically. The counselor got him to admit he masturbates several times a week. He uses Internet **** and other things but shuts me out of "his sex life" because he does not want to communicate his preferences and "risk rejection". Hearing that it was completely okay with him for me to suffer rejection over the last 8-9 years but that his precious self must not be exposed to any risk of rejection because he is just so sensitive made me sick to my soul. What an incredibly selfish bastard I have married. What's worse is everyone telling me how lucky I am to have him cause he is such a nice guy.<br />
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If you think you feel bad, just wait until your guy starts saying that your healthy interest in sex "emasculates him". My husband said that this past summer (after having sex once or twice that year) and I lost so much respect for him I don't know if I can continue in this sham much longer. <br />
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Searching - I deserve better. You deserve better. Tell him he is a great guy and you really want to stay friends but go find a man who can't keep his hands off you and pouts when you are not in the mood. I am telling you, as I get ready to go lie in bed and look at my "loving" husband's back all night, I sure wish I had.<br />
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- Best wishes.

I totally agree with you on this 10 years into my marriage , my husbands on testosterone , he has sleep apnea , we have done all this and his sex drive isn't there for me any way all though he swears its not me but its miserable , i know exactly how you feel , cleo get out while your young because when you get older things go south and you just let yourself go.

Wow! You sure you aren't married to my husband??? I'm married to the 'nicest ' bloke in the world. Except he won't can't doesn't put out and I have stopped asking. I blew $180 on a corset and $50 on some knickers for nothing. I wore it for our anniversary and nothing happened. I'm at the cross roads. I'm getting older and am not as hot as I once was. Grief and depression are
Taking their toll. Get out now. I'm ten years with this man and my penance is served. Xo

OMG we are married to the same man and have the exact same issues...how do we get out?

Nstar67, my fiance is also on testosterone, which I thought would be the answer to my prayers!! It's not. It's confusing tho, because although his testosterone is at normal levels now, he still has barely any sex drive (none for ME, certainly), and seems to have no interest in even sex by 'himself'! I don't get it!! And yes, it's miserable!! I feel for you more than you know!!

1 More Response

This is just a different perspective. why do you lay the burden of initiating sex on him? Why don't you for experiment's sake light some candles, run a nice bath (skip if he doesn't like baths), put on some nice perfume, nice underwear and just get him in the mood? Let's then see what he prioritizes. This is not about competition or waiting on the other person to take the first step. If you want it i.e. want him, go get him.. You didn't say you guys had no chemistry, you said you guys are using other activities as a cover to avoid sex... make an effort from your end.. also, don't expect things to change dramatically overnight.. just openly communicate to figure out what changed, explore why you guys are not having sex anymore and take steps gradually to get the relationship back on track.. Marriage is definitely not about hitting the road when you hit a road block.. Initially you guys are going to have to consciously take time out of your schedules and set it aside to do whatever..... it doesn't always have to be sex, it could be just fun stuff in bed you both enjoy doing.. be creative and don't be afraid to explore different things... talk to him, in a non resentful tone, remember neither you nor him are mind readers.. he probably needs to hear from you to realize how much this is affecting your relationship.. it's all the more important before you guys commit the rest of your lives together..

Oh so it is you that married my ex! I wondered where she went.

And yes love, you can live without him; when we are in love (as I am in love of my husband) we tend to think that; we can live with ourselves, human beings are more resilient that you may think.... You deserve much better....