Wow. After everything that has happened, now I am reconsidering a divorce. I was as sure as I could be. Now I'm less sure. In the last four days, I guess my wife has decided she actually likes me and wants me. I'm very confused by this and my own feelings. It's just so nice to be treated nice for a change.

Interesting thing: I've had trouble sleeping for years, but after I told her I wanted a divorce, I sleep like a baby. Now she wants to sleep in my bed, which I can't turn away...I've been starving for affection for so long.

I've gone through being sad, mad, angry, and even feeling guilty. Not sure why I feel guilty, but I do. Maybe it's the Catholic upbringing. Anyway, now she's interested in me, wants to do things with me, compliments me, hugs me, etc...It makes me feel so happy. Still, I don't trust it. I think, if I stay, once she knows I am staying, things will go back to the way they were before.

FilteringMachine FilteringMachine 31-35, M 16 Responses Jan 22, 2012

Your Response


She realizes that your threats to leave are real and she is grasping at straws. She is NOT a changed person and will go back her cruel ways. The only way to get out of this is to leave.

keep an eye on how the money and responsibility of debt flows.

She may be setting you up to take all the financial burden, while

at the same time looking for a way out(new boyfriend, place to live).


I think it's pretty telling that it takes the threat of divorce for her to actually give you some attention. I wouldn't invest my heart into any of it, but enjoy it while it lasts. Before you know it she'll be back to her normal self.

As ulae said first and many have echoed. This change will last just a short time. Enjoy it while it lasts and I hope I am wrong, but, within two months you may well be back to that divorce paperwork.

For your own sanity, put it into a desk draw and let the ink that is on it at the moment dry and try for the last time with your wife. If you don't try this one last time you will always wonder.

After this though...if there is an after this....

Take the paperwork out and file it and don't look back.

Easy for me to say as I am going through the end game now myself. But at some point your mind kind of snaps and you know what has to be done and you do it. We all take time to get to that point, some faster than others, but we all get there.

Best of luck whichever way you fall.

I have played the game you are now playing. I have done it twice. The first threat was received with sex on a regular basis for almost 2 years. This was followed by another 8 years of SM. Last year I tendered my resignation again and 1 year later I'm still here. Believe me when I tell you it is a game. I continue to stay even though I know I'm being played. I can always use the kids as an excuse to stay so I do.

As Baz says, Choices are tough..

Just be cautious. Have your exit plan ready. If she gets lazy and drops back to her previous behavior, you will be able to enact your plan. Pay attention to slip ups. It is difficult to rekindle once it has faded. Good luck!

Doesn't it **** you off that it took THIS for her to start paying attention to you???

Think of all of the nights you were hurt from the rejection...and she just didn't care.

...and now that it affects HER....she suddenly pays attention. Hey, I'm not one to talk...I"m still in, with my own magical thinking. If you haven't read the seminal ILIASM story "All That Glitters", this might be a good time to do so.

"Anyway, now she's interested in me, wants to do things with me, compliments me, hugs me, etc...It makes me feel so happy."

That statement makes me want to vomit! Why? Because after neglecting me for years, I finally said, "Enough! I'm unhappy and I want a separation."

Then he was boohoo-ing like a baby who got punched in the stomach. He quit taking his narcotic pain killers and is now all up in my business. **** that! It ****** me off and I want nothing to do with it.

If your wife is genuine, then good for you. But beware -- her turn-around could be because she's thinking, "Oh ****! My world is about to be turned upside down!" I highly doubt she woke up with the epiphany, "Ohh, I just love my husband so much and I am so attracted to him and I really want to make love to him and I really want to spend all my time with him."


I'd say you need to trust your instinct on this one. I've been married 14 years and for sure, the sex life has had its ebbs and flows, and definitely there have been times when my wife turned me down for sex night after night for long periods of time. Thankfully, after a lot of discussion, we got to the bottom of it - and sure enough, it was how she was raised, and the types of relationship interactions she saw in her own family. I personally was raised catholic myself so I understand where you're coming from with the guilt remark - try to remember this has little or nothing to do with YOU - it is mostly about HER. In the end, I got pretty lucky - turns out my wife DOES have a libido, and we now have sex several times a week.

In the end, you have to decide for yourself if you trust her or not. If you can have honest and direct dialogue about why it is that she was starving you for the affection you deserved until you told her you were ready to call it quits and look elsewhere, then there might be a path forward together. Without knowing anything about either of you, I'd say that conversation should lead directly toward her coming to terms with whatever life experiences or perspectives she's had that led to her distaste for physical affection. You will never have a fulfilling relationship that include physical intimacy until that issue is addressed.

Good luck my friend - remember - everyone deserves a shot at happiness, including you!

oh nooooooooo

you have been miserable, you left your job, your life, everything and then she treated you like a dirty rag...

But hey, if she can get away with it, I guess she will...

it is all part of the decision process..part of what you need to do..if you don't give it a second will feel guilty..and look back and wonder..because once you start the divorce process..and look at the financial side of it.. the emotional side of may think..oh crap..maybe i should have re-thought this..and so really ..your doing that NOW..and so ..if it falls apart again..OK..then you tried.. you gave it a second chance...and it didn't really have nothing to loose by trying again..except time..but you are young enough to allow a bit more time for yourself..

I know this is not easy, and it is frustrating...but you also need to know..this is YOUR one here has a right to tell you what to do..YOU alone are dealing with the repercussions of your actions..only you will be dealing with the financial burden, the emotional burden. of your your decision is the only one that has merit..and so you need to do what works for you...I truly wish you well..

Cruel to be kind, I'm afraid!

At face value it does look like you are being openly, cynically and blatantly manipulated. You say you want a divorce and she hops into bed with you? Is she lying in bed with you thinking she doesn't really want to be there but she is being 'coerced' to be there by your 'threat'? It also looks at face value that you are fairly amenable to being manipulated. Do you think you are really capable of being objective about assessing this apparent change in circumstances or are we all hardened cynics, beyond redemption?

I think you need to take a virtual step back from the 'now' and try to assess things objectively, at least as objectively as you can muster. This is not a time to let your heart rule your head. Review all the circumstances that have led to this change, just before your divorce ultimatum. How many different times and ways have you tried to persuade your wife about your misgivings and distress about the state of your relationship? Do you think you did it so badly, so inadequately that she maybe did not understand the message you were trying to get over, or do you think that she deliberately ignored it until the divorce ultimatum?

How come this sudden change in attitude, without as much as a word, no explanation? Do you believe it or do you WANT to believe it? You talked at first about her PTSD, the issue about the breast cancer, about her satisfaction when you have sex and not yours. About how she joked about preferring effectively to be a hermit. This is a RADICAL change. Do you still believe it?

It's not that folks here would wish you to be unhappy, they just don't relish the prospect of you being given hope to have it dashed again and given that as you have not evidenced any substance behind this apparent change they are naturally sceptical, to put it mildly.

Here is a radical idea. If & that is a BIG if you decide to give it another go DO NOT drop the divorce. You could tell her that you are proceeding with it & she wants a new start it will be a completely new start. Live spearatly, date for a minimum of 2 years before you even consider letting her live with you.

After that live together for another 2 years & see how it goes. I have a feeling as soon as you make such an offer she will suddenly rediscover her referser status. This would be some real work which is somethig refusers usually wont do.

You spent many years trying to please her in the hope that maybe she would desire you & look how that went. Now it is time to do what is right for you. But before you decide anything take time to read more post here & see just how often the refuser uses this very ploy. Then as soon as they are comfortable that they have you back in their clutches they just revert to form. I don't even think many do that intentionally. I think many actually want to change. But after time they cant help but be who they are. It would be like somebody trying to change their race or gender. It is their biology & you can't change that. Anyway just a whacky idea.

No way man. If it's done, it's done. No turning back.

I know the feeling. You have a bright new future ahead :-)

"after I told her I wanted a divorce....... now she wants to sleep in my bed".

You don't think these two facts could be related do you ? DO NOT TRUST HER NEW FOUND INTEREST. Believe me it will last just as long as it takes for Divorce to be permanently off the agenda, then it will all start over again. Refusers also have a habit of thinking we were born yesterday and that a little of the sex that we apparently so desperately need will wipe the slate clean.

Please don't prove her right.

If you had to threaten divorce and mean it before she would take an interest then it is already too late perhaps.You were making progress towards the exit. Keep your eye on the ball and DO NOT get her pregnant !

You know what you OUGHT do.

And, you know what you probably actually WILL do.

She gets back into bed - she ***** you - and the clock gets re-set.

Back to square one.

It is entirely your choice mate.

All I would suggest is that you make your call based on objective fact, not on a basis of being manipulated, not on the basis of short term reward, not on the basis of anything other than objective fact.

And, be sure that you ARE actually making a choice. Not just driftng.

Choice is a *****. But you don't get a pass.

Tread your own path.

"Once she knows I am staying, things will go back to the way they were before." --- Yes. In an uncertain world, that's one thing you can bank on.