Newly Married!but No Sex!

Hey there,
it felt so great to find out this site. I found out that I am not alone!
 well  we are married for 10 months now but we hardly have sex. may be twice or thrice a month.  I just cant figure out whats wrong! well physically my husband is very fit..he don't have any biological problem.. in fact we dated for 2 yrs before marriage and then everything was so good...he was romantic, charming and we have had passionate sex sessions quite often..but i don't know what has changed after marriage..he is totally a different person now. to start from honeymoon...we had a little fight about his father and so WE HAD NO SEX IN HONEYMOON! CAN U BELIEVE THAT????? he was so sulky all the time that we returned from out trip early....after that he said countless sorries to spoil our trip...but now a days he doesnt even feel like having sex..if I start complaining any day about it..then that night he does sex with me to explain that everything is fine...he do it somehow and he doesnt want to waste time and want that to be over within half an hour..I hardly have any ******...sometimes he says that I am a psycho that I want too much sex....I am so depressed and frustrated..i have tried to commit suicide but couldnt...I feel like he doesnt love me anymore...but he says he does...and he cant even think of divorce.....coming back from work he keeps on watching TV and on holiays also he keeps on watching TV....its not that I am unattractive.. I am an extremely good looking girl...when i go to a party everyone would comment that "You are looking dashing"..."u r gorgeous" kind of stuff....but my husband never says a word if i look good...he shows that he doesnt even care how beautiful I am....when my male friends say to me that i am sexy, beautiful i kinda burst in tears....what a irony...every man  wants me..but the person I love doesnt seem intersted...i tried to make him jealous sometimes talking of other didnt help....I am going crazy about my sexless marriage..what do i do...i love him a lot..he cares for me a lot...but he doesnt want to have sex...sometimes when i take initiatives some times he responds and sometimes he doesnt...but u guys tell me is it always possible to complain...i am tired....Just dont know what to do...

You guys tell me what to do?
Am i really a psycho?
thehermitprincess thehermitprincess 26-30 22 Responses Jan 24, 2012

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I've tried to dress sexy for my husband. But nothing seems to arouse him. He'll smile and say I look nice and all, but no sex. And he sucks at it. And then he boasts about how many women he's slept with before I married him. So whats changed him now. The other nite he says he cant get aroused without gettin a bit drunk. Now hes tryin to make it up to me but the sex aint any fun,

If i complain he says I want tooo much sex or that sex normally doesn't last longer than 15mins tops.

I'm totally frustrated and so many times I wish I could find a guy who can satisfy me. I am dying for some awesome sex. ANd whats worse is that our family feels i shud have a baby soon. I mean helloo.. I just got married, no honeymoon, no amazin sex life and now they want me to give it all up... what shall i do???

It's called....he bought the cow and doesn't need to try anymore.

OK, I'm going to tell you RIGHT NOW, that this working hard is the reason is bull ****.

I also worked hard for several years and my libido died in this time...

So, I can tell you from personal experience, he IS telling you where his priorities are. Money and material items ARE more important than emotional and physical intimacy.

If that's OK with you, you two are on the same page. As I read your story and comments, I read that IS not OK. Probably you won't both, a lot of people have both, so it is possible.

But again, he is telling you where HIS priorities are, and they aren't with your well being, at least not with the actions that require emotional investment on his part.

This will NOT change...and the rest of what he says is to make it your issue and your problem that you don't agree with this.

Either way you cut, it is a mismatch, and it will not get better.

Quoting you here - "its easy to get a divorce"

OK, if it is so easy, DO IT.

Of all the people on this board who have divorced or are contemplating it, I have yet to hear ONE OF THEM say "it was easy".

It may be necessary, it may be painful, it may be heart breaking, it might be complicated, messy, disruptive, fearful, ugly, difficult and many other things.

But that doesn't give you a pass on having to do it when it is necessary.

But hey, if you truly think it is "easy" then you ought do it.

You ought do it anyway, even though it will be the hardest thing you've ever done.

Tread your own path.

Hey all...

I am just overwhelmed to get so many comments and suggestions...dont have words to thank you guys made me feel so much better.

apart from all this..its all true that I love him like hell....its easy to get a divorce...but sometimes

I become very weak...

its true that he is not much into sex...which frustrates me like hell...but he cares for me very much ..whether I am eating properly..sleeping properly...if i dont talk to of divorce he cries like a baby..says he cant even think of staying apart from me...then i ask why dont he has sex with me then???

he says.."sex is not everything in marriage...and why do u want sex so much" ....I say that he is not just interested in me..lets close the chapter..then he says "no no no..why are u saying like that...I am very much interested in you...he is just so tired too have sex...give everything a little time...we will solve this problem eventuall" I just feel helpless by this words.....confused...Because as i said I cant help loving him...

the other day i was complaining about my sexless marriage ..he then got angry and said " I tried to explain u.... still u didn't understand.? i am here trying to build a good career so we have a lavish future..and u are only thinking of sex? u need a counselor"

in same night he hugged and kissed me and said sorry that he shouted on his wife....but we did not have sex....

just couldnt understand ....on one hand i want to leave..on he other hand i love him....

His words spoke VOLUMES!!! He said "Sex is not everything in marriage". Peole who have this mindset will NEVER change it. To them sex is just a physical act. Pardon my language but to themm it is a ****, nothing more. It is also by the way a physical act that they can do happily without. These types will never understnd that it isn't just a ****, it is the passion, the romance, the bonding, the being togther, the two connecting on a level that NO OTHER act in marriage can replace. To him it wil always be just a physical act. If he has no sex drive then how can it be anything else. This doesn't make him a bad guy but it makes him a HORRIBLE match for anybody who has physical, sexual desires. There is NOTHING wrong with having said desires. The fact is he is a man who can NEVER fullfill those desires. The fact that he has no sex drive is his biological makeup. It IS who he is & he can no more change that than he can change his race or gender. He may even sincerly belive that he will become a sexual beast as soon as all the stress is over. But he is lying to himself. He can not nor should he be asked to change who & what he is. He may be a great guy in many ways. But he is a great roommate. If that what you want out of a married life then he is your guy. But if you require passion, romance & intimacy then he is the wrong guy for you. If you divorce you will BOTH be able to find a match better suited for each other. Staying is just setting up years of misery for you both. Yes it will be painful in the short term. But nowhere near as painful as a lifetime of sexless marraige. Ask anybody who has lived through years of of Luck.

I just want to add on a bit to Enna's post.

Every parent (apart from the mentally ill) wants their child to be happy. However, what often happens is the parents project THEIR idea of happiness onto their child. Often resulting in the child thinking the parent does not love me, they don't want me to be happy.

This is not true, and I'm sure it isn't true for your parents. Please keep in mind when talking to your parents, they will, as a knee jerk reaction, project what they think will make you happy. But continue to listen to them with listening how they DO want you to happy.

If you can further the conversation, with an open mind, your chances of getting them to buy into what WILL make you happy are sharply increased, resulting in their support of YOUR plan.

Parents are tricky like this, and everyone wishes they had Enna for a mother...but most of us, have less evolved open minded parents that look for our spirit and what makes us feel alive. LIkely, your parents are like mine, and it may take multiple long conversations before they get to the point where they buy into your plan for happiness...

But love you, they do...just listen for it in your conversation....acknowledge it, they need that too, to listen to you.

I wish you well...

You are certainly not psycho. No sex on your honeymoon is a huge indicator that his isn't interested in you in a sexual way. At your age, your H should be wanting sex every other day. Fear of pregnancy/fatherhood might be his only legitimate reason for withholding. You probably won't be able to change him.

Without help from friends or family, you may have to find your own job. Don't get pregnant, or things we become even more difficult. I wish there was better news, but any time you are financially dependent, your options are limited.

Good luck.

or, he's just not interested in sex..hard to imagine, but there are those types too...

Sit down with your parents and have "The Talk" with them!!

Ask them:

"Why do you think I should not get divorced?" and I'm willing to bet their answer will be along the lines of:

"all new marriages have their ups and downs - you need to give it longer - you need to work harder" etc. etc.

Then tell them this:

* no sex at all on the honeymoon because you had had a tiff.

* very limited sex since then

* shows no interest in you sexually

* only has sex with you when you complain - and then takes no time to make it pleasurable for either of you

* tells you that you are a "psycho" for wanting sex in the marriage

* shows no interest in you as a person - prefers to watch TV.

* pays you no compliments.

These are the things you mention in your story, but I'm guessing there are a few you've left out and these might be:

* everything is about HIM - and what makes him happy. Your happiness is not important to him.

* he is not affectionate - hugging, kissing, playful - with you

* when you try and tell him how upset you are, he finds a way to make this YOUR fault (as in the psycho comment).

Please think HARD about these things - often we fail to see the other issues because the sexlessness looms so large. But I'd be surprised if he was very affectionate, a good communicator, very concerned with making you happy . . . ? Am I right?

Then tell your parents EVERYTHING that is troubling you. Tell them all the things you have done to fix it and how he responds to nothing. And tell them you want a divorce because you can see the writing on the wall which says:

"Things will only get WORSE if we have children".

I know it is embarrassing talking to your parents about such intimate issues, but you NEED them on your side. If it helps, copy this post and give it to them. Tell them it was written by a sixty year old woman who left her sexless marriage after twenty two years of trying to make it work. . . .

And who has two children of her own in their thirties, so I DO understand what it is like from the parents' side.

I wish you every success in getting your parents on side. But do NOT let them talk you into staying. This is YOUR life and you only get one. Don't throw it away on anyone's bad advice - even if it comes from those you love.

Thank you so much Enna.....

All of these horrid things he does and says are reflections on him. NOT YOU. Even though you may feel like the only human being who has lived this isolating experience, know that you ARE NOT ALONE. I didn't get sex on my wedding night either. In fact, I didn't have a proper wedding or honeymoon either. These are giant red flags. The longer you stay with him, the more harm this will do to your self-esteem. You need to seriously put up the emotional great wall of china when it comes to his actions and your feelings. He is not right. And you're allowing yourself to get sucked into his negativity. By all means, go to couples therapy if you feel you have to and he agrees to it, but most of these refusers don't change. I hope you can find it in you to see how much you are worth. You're a valuable and irreplaceable person. If you ended your life because you're sticking yourself in this emotionally hostile situation, I can't think of a greater waste of potential. You can have a positive affect on others, you just need to seek out other people who are as kind and caring as you are. And kick the idiot users like your H to the curb. Really. Look into an annulment. Talk to people who love you. You need the support right now.

Genteel Animal: with all due respect you are making the assumption that communication channels are open. They are very rarely open on the refuser's side, because to get to the truth would mean that the game would be up, and they don't want that. This we know to be a universal characteristic of refuserdom.


Figure this thing out first.

Something is very wrong and he is holding it back. It may be that he felt pressured into marriage. It may be something else. But for some reason he is transferring something causing him anxiety to you. You can tell that because his behavior changed with the ring.

Whatever is going on, you will never get to the bottom of it until you and he can discuss it openly. Maybe a way to get him talking instead of reacting is to simply state to him that YOU feel he may think he made a mistake in marrying you. Tell him that you need to understand what the two of you should be doing going forward, because the life you have isn't working. I say this because if YOU bring up what you feel could be the worst or most devastating reason he's cool to you, then whether its accurate or not you have not "made" him be the one to say it. You give him a soft entrance to the discussion even if it turns out to be the problem.

Be up front and blunt about your questions - "Do I smell bad?" "Is it my breath?" Don't use euphemisms and don't pull punches. Even get into the sexual preference thing if that's on the horizon. Let no subject be taboo when you're trying to draw him out. Reassure him that talking is not hurting - You may not like hearing something but its far better to hear it from the person you trust than to wonder about it. Ask him if there is / was / could be someone else.

All of this is to suggest that the only way you can resolve things and stay with him is to communicate very, very clearly and without adverse consequence. Try to draw a distinction between the substance of what he says and the fact that he is saying it. Never react negatively to the fact that he is saying it; save your reaction and response for the substance of the issue itself. You might find it's all about something that causes him high anxiety but wouldn't matter to you a whit if you'd thought about it. That's the kind of damage non-communication can cause.


You are so lucky to have responses from some of the wisest people in this forum. Please listen to what they are telling you.

It may sound cruel to hear people say end your marriage so soon. Even crueler is existing in a sexless marriage for 20 or 30 years.

Like you, I went sexless on my honeymoon followed by years of talks, arguments and fights over intimacy. It wasn’t until 12 years into my marriage that I realized this wasn’t a phase, something I did to her or a problem between us. It did not go away or get better because my wife IS WHO SHE IS. She is not a bad or evil person, she simply does not require intimacy in her life and cannot understand someone that does.

Promises of change, maybe even followed up with a brief time of sexual activity may happen to you as you move through the process but you will eventually return to the intimacy comfort level of your refuser, because that is WHO HE IS.

Oh how I wish ILIASM was around when I married so long ago. Read the stories and listen to the advice of the many wise people here. Make your choices based on what will make you happy in your life because life is long and a long sexless marriage realy really sucks!

Ah.. Someone told me once that there is this Madonna/***** thing that some men have in their heads. And someone else mentioned that when these men get married, they cannot have sex with their Madonna. Who knows. What I can tell you is on my honeymoon, we were both exhausted that night and drove to a hotel a few hours away the next day. On the Sunday, all I wanted do do was stay in bed and shag the **** out of each other. But Noooo - he wanted to walk in the forest. I was so angry that I simply stayed in bed and let him fuq off. He got lost in the process. It was 5 hours before he got back. And then he moaned that our honeymoon was so ****... set a great tone for the marriage. Not.

You are being abused. Don't dress sexy for your abuser. Don't try to live happily ever after with someone who abuses you.

you just said the right thing

Run run run run run run run run run run!

I was in exactly the same kind of marriage. I stayed out of many of the same fears. I stayed for 14 years and came out of it with depression.

DO NOT let this become your life. DO NOT have a kid. DO whatever you need to to get out of this marriage.

It WILL NOT get better. Every day you're in it will only make it worse.

Me too. It doesn't get better. It plateaus for years and then you leave anyway.

Read k9 sportschick recent story on verbal abuse

Read enna30's story on 'the talk'

Read my story, 'its not you' and 'process'

Read **** loads more

Dont get pregnant

And don't get pregnant. Just go.. You had a nice wedding, you did the marriage thing. On the news tonight i heard that only 5% of people are truly happy in their marriage. The odds are really low that this will be fixed.
I knew my husband would be a difficult partner to have as a father as he was incredibly high maintenance, so I didn't get pregnant for 14 years. Now it is too late.

I understand your difficulty. I think this feels particularly shameful for a young woman to admit. It's not your attractiveness. It's him. This stuff eats at your self-confidence and your soul. And one of the greatest difficulties of a sexless marriage is that you become ashamed to admit it.

I'd suspect, but don't know, that your parents are probably thinking "marriage is a little tougher than she thought, she needs to stick it out." But this is not what marriage is supposed to be like.

I beg you to tell three people in your real life THIS week about the state of sex in your marriage. Choose carefully. But tell three people.

Whatever you do, don't let him trap you into staying married by getting pregnant.

And go out and start looking for a job. I know it's hard. When the person who's supposed to want you rejects you it can reach into all aspects of your life. But you must do it. Take ANYTHING part time and start looking for fulfilling full time work.


I've been where you are. But I stayed. Now I have a child. It doesn't get better.

I am going to stick my neck out here and probably make myself really, really unpopular. You are still fairly young and I suspect you are not ready yet to be married, period. I'm sorry to have to say that. You are just not ready for it yet. And the same goes for him, I'm not going to take sides. He may well have other issues that compounds things, but at present but I don't think it matters. Try talking to your parents again. I think you may well benefit from spending time living by yourself, maybe in company with other women your age, to find out who you are as a person, to develop. Then have another go at picking the right man for yourself. It will mean that you start off in suitable married life later than you expected but as it is the average age at which couples are getting married is moving forwards anyway. You personally will be ready when you are good and ready, and you will know it.

Here is a great lesson in the unforgiving life law of choice and consequence.

Choice - you stayed in a marriage that soured at day 1. Consequence - you are unhappy

Choice - you left your job. Consequence - you have no money

Choice - you have alienated your parents in some way. Consequence - they might not offer you emotional and / or financial support (that incidently is THEIR choice) You might choose to tell them the whole grim story. Their response might surprise you. That will be down to their choice. If you tell them then they at least get the chance to make a choice.

Situation. You are in an unhappy marriage and financially strapped.

Your next choice appears to be to move heaven and earth to get another job. The likely consequence of that would be that your financial position improves. From that point your choices open up. Such as getting out of the unhappy marriage.

I am sympathetic to your situation, but sympathy won't help you get out of this. Your choices will.

This business of choice is a hard and unforgiving part of life. But YOU don't get a pass on it. No-one does.

Tread your own path.

You've said a lot about choice before, but I believe this is your best so far Baz. Great words

Thank you...

Even I thought of the same..i want a divorce....but my parents are against it....

and my husband also creates a nasty scene whenever I talk about it..recently I left my job...and dont have enough money also to support myself....

If I get divorced my parents will also not give me a single penny to survive...i felt like explaining them the whole situation...but dont have the courage....i am stuck in this messy situation

Do a simple test - wear something very sexy. High heels stocking, suspenders, short skirt, make-up. If he does not want sex, you have a real problem - there may be something wrong with hm.

Explain the situation to your parents. And no matter what their response - it's not your parents who have to live with this.

Exactly what Chai said!! And DO NOT get pregnant.

I did this test u know..once i bought a sexy lingerie for me..when i wore it...he said..where are your remaining clothes???
At times i have tried to change(dresses) in front of him so that he notice my body and get excited..but nothing happened...he just said...oh sorry!

i wont get pregnant

Stockings, suspenders and high heels are the critical elements of the test (sexy knickers and bra is not enough - these do not qualify as "sexy lingterie" to many of us). If you try this, and he fails this test, he either is a gay, or I do not know what but something serious and if I were you I would run like hell now before you have children and before it gets too difficult. There is of course a chance that he is so unusual.

Joyjay I don't know how to tell you this, but once you've already got yourself lingeried up and been turned down, it's hard as hell to go down that road again. Every bit of lace is a reminder that you're about to face humiliation and rejection again. There is nothing more degrading than pulling out all the stops and then getting pushed away.

Indeed. It brings a very sad, very stark truth to the situation. The guy is almost shouting, 'I DO NOT WANT YOU!"

I understand. Unfortunately we are all very much attached to the outcome. I think it is still worth trying, as long as you have a plan what to do in the worst possible case.

I will tell you briefly: my wife refused sex on the night after wedding. I know now that I should have filed for divorce on the same day, and not even get in any discussion. Did I? No, I did not. If I were the same person I was 21 years ago, I would have done exactly the same. But if it happened today, with what I know now, I would have acted differently.

I have been through 21 years of humiliation but also achievement of things I would lose now if we broke up. I have not yet found the way out of this, but I will.

6 More Responses

You are not a psycho.

You ARE in an intimacy free marriage which is a form of abuse.

This abuse is starting to **** with your thinking. It is imperative that you remove yourself from this abusive situation as soon as is possible. Otherwise, your thinking will become increasingly ****** and you will not be able to get out at all.

Read 50 stories in here at random. Read the comments attached to them. Read read read.

You will be reading your future - if you don't get out of your present situation.

Please, make your tenure on this board short. Take every step you can as soon as possible (and I am talking DAYS here) to choose Not to Live In A Sexless Marriage a moment longer. Get out.

Tread your own path.