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Brick Wall

My husband wants a best pal to run with, not a wife. He gets upset at divorce,he doesn't want me to leave. We each hang off the edge of our side of the bed.
If I try to cuddle, his back hurts. (But he spends all day doing anything and everything and it doesn't bother him.) If I wanted to play in bed, he was tired. Sex was rare over the years and almost nonexistant before his medical issues. Then a year and a half ago, he no longer wanted it at all. I have done all the mentalbashings.. he isn't attracted to me, he doesn't like me, I'm not doing something right, etc....Try to discuss any of this, it isn't true and makes more excuses.

He does take care of my car and car expenses, keeps the house repaired, and helps me with my mother. He helps do housework and cooking, and we share our daughters expenses. We have separate checking and savings accounts, and do not share our financial info with each other.

In three years, our daughter turns 18, we will sell the house and go our separate ways.He is moving up north, I refuse to go. He is not dumping me in the middle of nowhere to to amuse myself while he finds more buddies to run with while the little lady sits at home.

I have finally hit a brick wall, I can't have an affair, I miss affection, cuddling, sex, romance and just being with a male who wants me. Depression is setting in and I am losing weight I cannot afford to lose. I am thinking about counseling for me, why I am in this situation. I am sitting here tired, ready to cry, unclear what direction to take. I hate confusion, he closes up when I try to talk about this marriage. How can he be content and I am miserable?! I am 48 and he is 46. Am I expecting too much? Do men lose this much sex drive at this age? I know I see people in their 70's hugging and kissing, it doesn't take much energy to show a little affection. I do know it takes two people to have a relationship, and at this point, neither of us is involved with the other. I do see other people living like this happily, is it wrong for me to want more?

I realize I am no longer angry and I want my anger back. It makes it easier to move forward and become proactive about my life. I have been angry for years, and when I make the decision to leave, I now get upset and depressed. Hubby never even listened or took me serious when I said we are done. I am going to be made to feel very guilty and that doesn't sit well with me. Does this ever end?
moondancelady moondancelady 51-55, F 54 Responses Jan 24, 2012

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so have you left yet? are things any better? hope so :)

You say you want to play in bed! If only my wife did that I would feel so wanted, but she doesnt want to know about sex unless I do an extraordinary amount of foreplay and then it seems an inconvenience as she only wants to sleep ! God knows what it would be like for a wife to want sex ! havent had that since I had a fling about 30 years ago in a different marriage. I remember it being so nice for someone to wake me up in the middle of the night gently stroking my **** wanting it to be stiff ! It didnt usually take very long, then she would be on top of me - her breasts thrashing around in my face - yummy yumm! happy days ;-)

put it behind you.. time to move ahead and be the person you were before family then add it to the experience and wisdom gained from the last 20 years. the two worst qualities in a mate are pettiness and passive aggressiveness and the guy has them both in spades

not a good way to live you need to find a man to please you lifes short have fun

I'm 48 and while it does slow down a little (though my faulty mitral valve may have a part to play in that problem), the desire is not gone if love is there. I applaud you for giving your daughter a stable home, and I feel badly for you that you are being denied even simple affection (not to mention sex).

If you're offering love, devotion and affection and he turns it down your only other input (at this point) is a recommendation for a third party intervention, which could be as big as having a family psychologist meet with the three of you. Hope he can get hisproblems out of the way of his primary obligations and commitments.

We have been separated for awhile now. He did mention counseling and I would have agreed. But his idea of counseling is I talk about my issues and he has nothing to say. He would not talk to a counselor any more than he would talk to me about what is wrong. I QUIT!!!!

Good for you!

I know its been awhile now, but I suggest starting with a marriage seminar or two with a commitment to apply lessons for positive results. The best thing you can offer your daughter is a testimony that relationships are worth on going effort.

the sex drive does not disappear at 45 in men. It is different in everyone. I to had medical issues in my 40's, mostly a major prostate infection which took two years to cure but I feel I've never quite been the same in performance. The prostate is amazingly important for male sex performance I found. So I also found out I had low Testesterone and once I started shots things got much better. Also smoking, oveweight, alcohol and overwork and stress take a big toll. It probably isn't about you although boredom can play a roll here to. I think men have more issues with this.
Since I retired I have been sexual like my 30's. My wife is to and it has been very good. Glad we stuck it out but it was rough for a long time, we both had affairs etc.

Do not ever feel guilty because he killed your marriage. Sounds like you were a loving wife but he wanted his friends more some men after years of marriage realize they are not happy with a woman try to talk to him about his friends are they really just friends. And then maybe he is not spending as much time with his male friends as you think but they are just there to alibi for him

i think he is not attracted to himself, he does not find himself sexy enough to be with you............ but since you two are separating guess it is too late to start telling him how beautiful he is.......for how can one show love if one does not love oneself first?

You might have a valid point there, but his way of overcoming that is to put himself first..always.

what you say he find himself too sexy? he would rather ********** and please himself than to please a woman? he narcissist.............egomaniac motherfuckkkker........................

Nooooo...lol..at least, I don't think so:) he is selfish...his friends are more important,his food is first..he hides food so no one can eat it..helll I don't weigh much so I am not eating his snacks...it is just sad and pathetic

he hides food? wtf ? what an a double s.

why don't you begin to do the same, maybe he will catch on

I am not stooping to his level...LOLping snow and ice off
He killed the marriage completely with no hopes of recovery when he jimmied my garage door sensors so I couldn't get my SUV in any more. I spent my winter scraping snow and ice off and then spring came, he put my daughters jeep in there. Now they work fine....I am so out of here...we have a 3 car garage...he is an ***

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Moon.... I can see you and your H parting ways and that's probably for the best, but just because your daughter turns 18 soon doesn't mean she won't be affected by your sudden change and departure. She will still need emotional support and probably some financial support not to mention other things that crop up on a young person's life where they need to consult a parent. Is she going with you or him ( I know.... she's 18 - but she does matter!)

she wants to stay here. but she knows I want her with me. We will text and talk often and visit as much as possible. she plans to move out of here as soon as she can, she has a boyfriend and friends.

That's understandable. Has she voiced her feelings on your pending departure? Sometimes that close 3rd person we discount as being too young has some insights the we in our close-minded attitudes just dismiss.

She has and she has told me to leave and start over. She understands that this is love and people do not live like this. And she see that I crave touch and affection, she wants me to go and find someone so I am not alone any more:)

Oh I commiserate this is a mirror image of my husband and I to the word...I to am now having to face decisions. Good luck..

I have faced decisions. I am happier than I have been in a long time. I have job applications across the country...I am starting over. Once he buys my half of our home out...I will move away and I am truly looking forward to it. Amazing how many idiots around my town that seem to have an opinion about my life when they know nothing about it. I never air my private life to others here...they haven't a clue!

that's typical of outsiders looking in though..No idea.

Good for you at keeping your problems quiet from the gossipers. That is a habit my wife and I both practise - problems or not.

that is because they like to control others or because they are afraid of changing their own lives.......

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I am sorry to read this..it sounds like you wrote my autobiography...I too live like this but she is the refuser...we are like roommates..awe have slept in separate rooms for 10 yrs now..when my youngest is off to college I am gone too.

4 yrs to go....

If I see you, I would love to but you a drink....no one should have to endure what we go through daily

Thank you for sharing

Snncerely,

K

I am down to two years, and probably about done. That was a darn long year and uncomfortable. And I will hold you to that drink. We can swap stories.
Hugs

My husband and I are not together...we are rooming until our daughter is 18 to avoid child support and he needs to come up with my share of the house. Once he does that we will finalize our divorce. We will both be a lot happier then.

We are no more than roommates, most if the time not liking each other but I front of the kids we act civil

You for that drink

just curious, what does your daughter say about you not sleeping together? does she know about the divorce ?

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You sound like me 14 years ago in my first marriage. I did the same as you- is he no longer attractted?; is he gay?; does he have a girlfriend? He's just a douche. He never held my babies or cared about their mile stones or any doctor appointments or school activities. Once we divorced he never saw them- they are now 19 & 22. I hadn't noticed then, but his father was the same. Go- save yourself and your kids- you can't polish chicken **** into chicken salad

I am getting ready to go. Applying for jobs across the country..making a clean break. My anger is back, I do not want to get ugly. My daughter doesn't need to see that. She is 16 and wants to stay here. I need my sanity..I am going.

You will be fine- stay focused and love your daughter-God Bless

Ya' gotta' move forward girl. Being in a sexless marriage is a **No Win** option. Once the partnership has reached that stage, you can't turn the clock back. I know. Been divorced for 6 mo. now. Sure its hard on me. I'm 50+ now. Wish I had done it 10yrs. ago.

Maybe I'll find the right girl...I don't know, but am walking into this New Life, Very slow. because the Ice is thin...

Very very thin ice. Yes, it is difficult separated and room mates..but it makes financial sense for two more years. My daughter will be 18 then

I think your husband is gay but afraid to admit it to himself.

And I often wonder that too:)

*********** addiction could shut down his sex life too. It's hard to get excited with a live partner when your so used to a fantasy life. I suffered thru this for awhile but things are back to normal now. I wish you well and a happy, healthy sex life. We all should have one its important to your mental and physical health. I was really surprised my wife didnt cheat on me when we were in a sexless marriage.

LOL...Hubs and I have been separated for a year. We share the house waiting for our teen to turn 18. Then we will part ways...I will be moved before he can blink!

I am sorry about your situation,and you sound like a fine young lady.I guess some men do lose their sex drive,but affection and love should remain to a certain extent.I really don't know what to tell you.You seem like a really good gal,but don't just sit at home and be miserable.Get out make some new friends and have fun.And if you would like to chat contact me.Hang in there and get out and live!!!!

I know your pain all too well. I admire the talent in your writing. It is difficult to emote in writing but you seem to be quite prolific at it. Thank you for allowing the sweet and precious perfume of your emotions to tantalize my world. I consider it a rare gift. I have become a fan.

Thank you. I love new fans:)

Not at all, in reply to all men losing their sex drive. I'm 73 and as horny as a school boy all the time. :)

Sometimes you read something someone shares and it hits home. Sleeping on the edge of the bed made me giggle. Glad it's not just me! So sorry for your pain I share much of what you are going through, but you are a head of me a little. Good luck!

Probably way ahead...we are separated now...we are both happier.

So happy for you.

Why wait three years? You won't get them back. If you think you're protecting your daughter you would be foolish to think she doesn't sense what's going on.

She does see and feels we ought tu split now. It is civil here though. no fighting or arguing. We simply go our separate ways.

Your daughter has it right.

Already working on it..seeing attorney soon..

He is spitting nails..loves his financial freedom with me...comfort ride is over baby!!!!!

Good luck to you. "Enjoy life, this is not a rehearsal" :-)

I am trying..

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we both sailing in same boat dear... same is the case story of mine mentioned by you here...

Sad place to be all these years later..

neva mind... if you wish we both talk .. friends ???
we be there on yahoo ... click me lovingboy0007@yahoo.in
yep ... its my pleasure ..hugs

you are sweet:)

I wish you luck, and better times. I had a similar struggle with my wife. One night, in frustration I got out of bed and dressed. It was late, after midnite, and she asked where I was going. I told her I was going out to get laid. She flipped out of course, and in the ensuing argument I told her I'd rather have her back, valuing me, than a stranger, but I easn't wasting more nights frustrated and starving for contact of any sort. I was lucky, she woke up. She is still a bit streaky, but so much better.

You were lucky..not too many people have it work out like that:)

Dammm it man..I wish I had done that. Midnight, got dressed, walked out. I guess I was too chicken at the time. Took 2 more years before I said..."Thats It !! I'm done with this marriage. Has It gotten any better??

Oops

I am in a similar situation and it has been difficult to think of a future not being married to my spouse anymore, but it is impossible to continue to live like this. I am trying to see this as a new chapter in my life. The old relationship won't be completely gone, but I need to find a new one and live the life everyone deserves. I recommend to picture life without your spouse and play it back over and over again, so when the time comes, it won't be as difficult. (I hope!).

I just posted an update. It is time to take control. I am sick of this life and need to move forward. I will embrace the fear, it will at least make me cautious.

Good Luck!

Poor dear ! Its not you . its him ! you are a smart sexy , financially and emotionally stable and independent ! . . . u lost your anger , i know what that feels like and what it can mean . in my case , its when i moved out and divorced her ***. you are a survivor and a thriver . at this point in ur life you should be happy, sexually fulfilled and loving it ! the very best to you dear. xo

It will not end until u say "Enough is enough!" You deserve to be happy, loved, appreciated, n supported. Counseling is good but even ur counselor will tell u its time to take charge n until u do things will not change. As far as 46 being an age when men lose their sex drive, it depends on the man. My husband is 61 n i am 45 , been together almost 23 yrs n we r having the best sex we have ever had n r more inlove than we have ever been. So its not the age. Hang in there til the time is right but u must make a stand for ur sake n sanity.

That is so sweet. Nice to know some men still want their wives no matter how long they have been together:)
You are a fortunate lady and he is a lucky man.

Great comment, good for you two

The new title should be " I don't live in a sexless marriage anymore " there are pros and cons to this decision. Do you love him? Do you love him as a lover, Does he understand that there are concerns and that you are really serious., Can you both afford to live alon.eu? Where will the daug.hter be located. What about insurance, who gets tbe house. Or who buys the other one out. ? Do you have. Redit? Do you have a money stashed???? Just some of the thngs that need to be thought through. OR JUST get him drunk then have sex, or tell him if he is not going to make love to you, then he can pay for the rent - a - husband, just a thought.

I vote for the rent a husband, if he breaks I can return him for another.

The house will be paid off in 3 years, most bills done in 3 years, and daughter graduates in 3 years! Methinks we both subconsciously did out parental duties for 18 years, and left the door open then.

So many good people have given you insightful information for you to review. I'm not sure what else I could say to make you think in a more positive way. That being said I will try anyway. <br />
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Marriages die or start crumbling mostly because of money or love. They fall into one of these two categories for the most part. Yours is about love, lack of love or the emptiness that fills the void when you don't feel as though you're loved. It grows at a fever pitch inside and you can't escape its grasp.<br />
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My marriage isn't perfect. Far from it. But working with a therapist as allowed us both to improve our relationship through better communication. A therapist doesn't fix things but gives you tools to help yourself. <br />
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Right now you need to figure out a way to get your husband to agree to receiving help. Believe me, guys will talk when given some encouragement. Try a few books on marriage relationships. Anything to jump start a discussion. That helped me see things from a different 3rd party perspective. Read it yourself and you will want to share what you will learn.

I have refused counseling. He will not discuss with me so he won't in front of a stranger. It is another ploy along with many others to buy some time and ignore the problems!

Find a guy that knows tantra. Presumably those guys can **** into their 80's.

Point me in the right direction...

WOW! ! Have lived the same thing for 14 yr's in a 29 year marriage, have one son that is 16 now, it is a long lonley road to wait on. I stayed faithfull the whole time & my son was mine and.hers biggest concern. But kids get hurt and do not like divorce at anytime. It just sucks, we were.divor ed in 08 and even though Iam free so to speak, it has taken till now to feel ok about starting to date. If the two become as one, that means that each of you give 100% to each other in everything. I don't think you need counciling, your husband does, it is his duty to give you good sex. Most all men come built with. A big desire for wanting- needing- thinking about it 24hr's a day no matter what our age. Make him an apointment with a urologist, He could be having errection problems & is ashamed. Or low on tertosserone. (Sorry aboutspelling) there are 3 fixes, pills- an injection- surgery? One is a liguid filled bag inserted near the prostate area and you just rub the skin on the surface and Bingo you get a hard on, the other choise is a permanate hard on. All of the time :) a rod is inserted in his thing. And he is ready 24/7 :) If he wont do this, then give him a sleeping pill and then a viagra, you can then give him a good workout. The next day he will not know what the heck hapened to him. Just a thought?

I am no longer interested. He needs to want to fix this for us and he couldn't care less. Or discuss it. I be er go backwards, only forwards. I am leaving in the next couple of years. If not sooner. I have heard everything he has not said! Time to move on. I now resent him, especially as I have been faithful and he blamed me..saying he believed I had an affair. Wrong answer. I can a count for all my time, he cannot account for all of his!!!

Well, I would try everything, and if he does not do what he needs to as a husband, then be free. Iam free &amp; single, have not been with anyone yet or dated but in that direction. WNEN WE GO SHOPING FOR SOMEONE wondering if there is an application where one could find out certain concerns in advance, like desire, endurance, size, adventure, honesty, romance, quality sex, quanity of sex, d&amp;d free, isthis to much to ask in advance for our next mate. ?

To answer the most important (I think) question, no it is NOT normal for a man of that age to lose his sex drive. I am older than your husband, and I have just as much sex drive as ever, perhaps more. There is obviously some kind of issue with him, whether physical, emotional or psychological, but if he is unwilling to admit it, or to seek a solution, then there is little YOU can do to resolve the problem. Sounds to me as though your plan of going separate ways is a good one. Best of luck to you!

Your husband hasn't held up his end of the marriage, in fact he has unofficially divorced you. You control your emotions and your life, not him. Start looking for ways to become independent and get involved with what makes you happy. It will make the transition from an official divorce easier for you. <br />
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Most everyone on this site is rooting for you. Make today a fresh start of your new life and keep looking forward!

Thank you. While he still doesn't want to talk about the issues, or change. He does admit he s crewed up and starting taking my laundry and hanging my clothes back in our bedroom closet. I keep taking them out and putting them in my new rooms closet. It will be a long 3 years!

It's been a long 3 years for me and I hope this will be the last one. Sharing with others in the same boat helps a little, doesn't it?

I hope you are finding ways to enjoy life for the time being. Flirting is a good way to pass the time. At least it makes you feel wanted.

I am trying to relearn the art of flirting and enjoying a man again. Amazing how much of ourselves we bury to try and work with someone who doesn't want us:)

It's a combination of commitment and being a hopeless romantic, at least in my case.

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Its a bad situation that never seems to get better, that is of course speaking from experience.. try to put yourself first... good luck to you.

Gee wiz girl, that's bad. I think he is a total fool. You look genuine very beautiful and awesome on the one photo I can see. <br />
I cannot understand that some men don't appreciate a beautiful woman like yourself.<br />
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If I didn't stayed so far away (Cape Town) I would've been honoured yo try and cheer you up.<br />
You definately deserve better.

Without communication, relationships fail. Communication is a two way street. Two people working together face challenges, so I'm sure you must feel powerless. You've done your part and more.

It is still a disappointing place to be! But, time to move on.

We should be friends ... going through it myself too. No glib wisdom here, just recognition. Supportive understanding thoughts too.

I feel sorry for your situation - and empathetic. It seems clear that you have different needs and goals. When partners don't / won't communicate it makes keeping up with changes in each other impossible. Your frustration is palpable, and frustrated desires bring depression - we deaden our feelings of pain or anxiety, but aren't selective, so all feeling disappears and we become numb and unmotivated. This might also be your husband's problem.<br />
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If he is willing to see a counselor, that might provide him with a clear picture of your frustrations (coming from someone else can be more effective some times). If you are willing to be honest about your plans, then a counselor may be able to get through to him that you are serious, help him expose what's on his mind - truly - and help you both find a way to productively spend your next 3 years. That might be to both see a (or different) psychologist/psychiatrist for anti-depressant and talk therapy. I'm really surprised what happened to my partner's libido when she tried a new medication - it was like a genii popping out of the bottle. He may have low testosterone, or other metabolic problem.<br />
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Could I suggest that he may work better with a counselor he has some choice in. I knew I'd work better with a female counselor than the men I'd tried, but your hubby might feel that the women were ganging up on him if you pick a woman for the job. He might also not open up to another man as well as he would with a woman.... I can't tell without knowing you both better what factors are at play.<br />
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He may be wanting to leave the marriage and not be able to express it, or be too lazy to consider going.<br />
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Once you've worked out what the problems are, and set some goals or boundaries for solutions, the counseling session may evolve into a series of mediations where you work out your plans jointly for supporting your daughter for the next 3 years financially and emotionally during your separation.<br />
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One example I read about during my divorce was a couple who bought a duplex house or adjacent houses so that the parents were always available to the child, but separate. The child didn't have to have duplicate things in each house, and the family ate together some times. My sister and Brother-in-law were marvelous during their separation. The hubby had a room in my sister's rented house, and a flat nearby so that he could come and go as it suited him. He helped cover living expenses and tuition fees etc until the daughter graduated from uni.<br />
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I suspect that if you saw a lawyer today, it would take 3 years anyway to be stable and back on your feet.<br />
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I'm not advocating separating - I believe it's better for the child to live with an intact loving couple of parents, but the indifference and passive aggressive stuff, the resulting lack of respect etc is not a great example for a young woman to experience. It's also your life that's involved, and if something which gives you energy is not available with your hubby, then you need to find other things which do, take a lover with hubby's knowedge, or divorce.<br />
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I failed to show my kids how to have a good divorce - my former wife didn't understand that this was possible to do. She only knew one way and that was with lawyers at 40 paces. The damage to my kids and their relationships with me have taken years to heal and are still not quite there.<br />
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Please work with someone about your guilt feelings. I don't see how they arise - you seem to be the one working on keeping things going, and if you've given fair warning and are getting no response, then while the feelings of loss or failure etc may arise, I can't see that it is for want of trying on your part. You are not all knowing and all powerful - it needs two together to make a couple work. Please try to ignore or forgive whatever the little critical voice in your head is saying.<br />
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I send you my energy and wish you and your family calm, love and peace.

It does end..... and I can tell you the only regret I have, is not ending it sooner.<br />
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Life can be anything you want it to be.... find your amazing journey.

Man that's tough I want my wife to sleep with me 3 to 4 times a week.. I manage to convince her twice a week at most.. This is critical to a marriage and happiness I believe. Partners are mismatched some times. I cannot believe the number of men who voluntarily do not sleep with their spouses. That is absolutely nuts not to have sex when you''re married. Why would you bother marriage is hard enough without this obstacle to contend with.<br />
That kind of behavior would destroy my self esteem.<br />
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I am 50 and married over 22 years

It sounds like you have a good parent/household partnership but not a romantic relationship with him. He requested that by telling you he does not want sex.<br />
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It also sounds like you have both talked about separating in 3 years correct?<br />
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Yes, go to counseling. It will help you sort out these issues. No you are not being unreasonable in your needs. Some men lose interest in sex for various reasons...he has no interest in you....<br />
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why can't you outsource? Why not have an open marriage for now and full separation when your daughter is 18?

No, I have already told him I am done. He made no response other than counseling. I refused, he will not discuss this issue with me, how will he with a counselor. All he does is buys time. He ignored my saying we are finished and goes on like things are normal. He is confusing me, we need to discuss these issues. Open marriage, I could do that. Will he?

If you genuinely believe his request for marriage counseling is just an effort to buy time, then such counseling will probably fail. However if there is any chance that he genuinely wants to go to counseling you should be both go.

Apart from that you should go to counseling for yourself for your possible depression. I think counseling will help you see that your wishes are not unreasonable and there may be other ways to find your happiness.

It does not sound like he would want an open marriage. You may have to leave earlier than 3 years from planned, accept your sexless partnership or outsource your needs until the three years are up.

I am just sorry that you too feel the pain of a sexless marriage. Nothing that you have shared with us is odd or very different from what we (the denied) experience.

If you're bound and determined to stay with him for 3 more years, until your child is 18, and you don't just want to feel like you're hanging on by your fingernails in a sexless, loveless farce-of-a-marriage, opening the marriage could be the answer. Just get it in writing, so he doesn't turn around and accuse you of adultery in court.... and walk away with everything, depending on your state.

I am a 48 year old man. Yesterday my lady compared me to a 16 year old (well at least she SAID she was talking about my sex drive!)

Sure things slow down after 40. I use to want sex four times a day. Now twice a day would be enough.<br />
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But hey, it's the quality, not the quantity. <br />
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You are not wrong to want more. Does your H know how much pain you are in? Or does he simply not want to hear that you are unhappy?

He does not want to hear me. He will not tell me what is wrong, just says nothing is and walks away.

The only reason you would feel guilty is if you allow yourself to feel guilty. Of course your emotions and reactions are valid, but try to move away from having your well-being dependent on what your husband does or doesn't do. Unlike your husband's refusal, you DO have control over your emotions and your actions.<br />
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Why not leave now if you think that will make you happy? Your husband isn't going to change no matter what you do or don't do. . .. . . so you might as well do what is best for you; goodness knows he is only looking out for himself.<br />
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Your story sounds alot like mine (back in 2009). The only (big) difference is that my ex-H and I didn't have children. I tried rationalizing staying - the nice house, the nice income, he really is a "nice guy", etc, etc, etc. Leaving is very difficult. . .. .. .but staying is so damaging to your self-esteem. I'm not telling you to leave; just be truthful about the reasons why you are staying.<br />
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The fact that you don't share checking/savings accounts indicates to me a room-mate situation (I have been there too!)<br />
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Best wishes for you; dealing with passive-agressiveness isn't easy!

Why not get counselling for both you and your husband together? It might work!

While I am forever thankful to my therapist, couple's counseling only works when both partners are active participants.

Because he will not discuss the issues I have, a stranger won't change that. He is a mans man, and that is where he spends his time, with his buddies. He seems to be fond of being married for the idea, not participating.

good quote....

He seems to be fond of being married for the idea, not participating.

Why not get counselling for both you and your husband together? It might work!

I'm sorry about your grief and of things you lack when you should have been enjoying them to the fullest. If you feel like waiting till that three years to happen, it's yours to decide. While in it. . . with in that span of three years, try to appreciate it more, of the things he can offer. I think he is still a good provider and a gentle man. He is still trying his best also for the both of you to live a fair decent life style. And for you to have convenience in your everyday life. Not to forget, he helps you with your mother. You're story didn't mention about physical abuse which is for me would be even unbrearable if the case may be. But apart from the bedroom intimacy, I think you can live up to three years for your daughter's sake. Keep it more positive to keep yourself off the edge. <br />
I myself is in SM, but I hate to say this, I'm at the opposite side of the situation. I refuse to give. But I also missing what you lack. I miss true conversations between couple, true intimacy. Pleasures. But since he does things to provide for my kids and and some of the things that would make life easier for us. I keep it all to myself. He is verbally abusive, not the kind of friend you'd like to be with. But I felt that I can't always be a winner, I need to sacrifice things till my kids can be ready for themselves with out me paying attention to them.<br />
You have three years. I have yet atleast 10yrs. =( Should I say . . . Good luck to us ^^

I main fear is my daughter missing seeing her parents in a loving and affectionate relationship now. We are respectful with each other always. But we are strangers and that will not change. I could no longer let him touch me anymore than I could let a strange man. I have to have a relationship before sex. What a strange place to be after all these years.

I do have other interests, I think I am confused at why this is bothering me so bad now, when it really isn't anything new. I have always kept busy, and now I feel vulnerable, if that makes sense. And no idea why! Loneliness is nothing new.

Good luck to the both of u, but most men love affection, so as soon as the time is right let him know how u feel, because allowing someone to think everything is ok and worst of all, allowing another to fall deeply in love with u over time, that they themselves r not themselves anymore, because they conformed to u, to please u, is a great betrayl to that partner, money is not the most valuable assest man or woman possess, its time,because time is limited, it can never be weighed,hope u well

Quoting you here - "I am thinking about counseling for me"<br />
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That's a great idea.<br />
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It might help you see this situation for what it IS, and propel you out.<br />
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You'll have suffered even more damage to your self esteem if you hang in for the 3 years you mentioned, possibly enough damage to distort your thinking even further - to a point where you don't get out at all.<br />
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You'd do well to get that 3 year term out of your thinking. You need to go as soon as you are capable of so doing.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Time waits for no one and you shouldn't waste a moment longer in moving on with your life . This marraige is over and has been the day he forgot that you needed to be loved and had value. That fact that you have separate finances , indicates to me that this either not your first marrage or worse that the marraige has been a yours and his accommodation to begin with. Married folks truly in love share all, finances, the sorrows and the happiness and above all share themselves in body and soul.<br />
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Sad tale you present here. Do go and don't look back/ I wish you well.

I have a better idea. <br />
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Why not spend this next period of time planning how you are going to make sure that you come out of the separation as well-placed to do just what the hell you like and to be beholden to no man for either practical or emotional support. Just say to hell with us all!

LOL. I do not NEED a man for financial or emotional support. I simply want someone who is a part of me as I am them. I like affection and I wanted to share my life with someone. I am a room mate and buddy, nothing more. I could run an ad in the paper for that!

I am apparently not equipped to offer an opinion or advice, not even of my own because I have never been married, so take as much or as little from what I say as I like. I've done the ranting and railing and I have also done the depression thing in a really big way. I'm coming out of the latter very gradually, it's a slow, slow process. Having said that swapping my depression for anger doesn't actually have that much appeal to me, it's proved to be six of one and a half-dozen of the other.<br />
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Frankly, I'm trying a mish-mash of bloody-minded determination, a bit of crudely home-made serenity and calmness (a bit shaky that to be honest) and a view to both the short-term and long-term with a half-baked attempt to not see EVERYTHING as black, bleak and despairing. I was accused by more than one person at the crisis moment that I was 'catastrophising" which I sort of was both puzzled by but sort of understood. It is only a lot more recently that it has started to make more practical sense. In plain man's language I was being told that I was a doom-and-gloom merchant. It was true, and in reflection it was extremely masochistic.<br />
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How ridiculous would it be for me to suggest that in 3 years time you will still be only 53 at the most and unless you plan to shuffle off your mortal coil prematurely you still have plenty of time to catch you with the lost time over your yearning for 'things' lost. Maybe I should even feel a bit sorry for the next guy you team up with, I can imagine him struggling to keep up with you!<br />
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Also, it may seem to be a bit insensitive of me to suggest this, but there is a lot to be said for the philosophy that it is the hardships in life that make us, the good and easy things we take for granted and although they are welcome and to be relished they don't move us forward in terms of strength of character. It is in adversity that we usually find ourselves.<br />
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I can hear the determination in your voice. You are quite indignant that you will not be following him anywhere like some sort of Bo-peep. Would you have envisaged yourself with that singularity of mind before this issue raised it's ugly head?<br />
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Why not spend this next period of time planning how you are going to make sure that you come out of the separation as well-placed to do just what the hell you like, and to be beholden to no man for either practical or emotional support. Just say to hell with us all!

48 yr old male here who can vouch for the fact that it is not age related. I still want it as much as when I was 18. I think getting some help for yourself would be a great idea. You deserve more, and I bet there are alot of men out there who would love to give you the intimacy and affection you deserve.

YOu said: "Am I expecting too much? Do men lose this much sex drive at this age?" No, but my ex tried to convince me he was "too old" at 45. <br />
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"is it wrong for me to want more?" You should want more. You deserve more.

Guilty for what?!??!? <br />
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No, it is not wrong for you to want more. <br />
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Get that divorce now. Do not wait three years. This is already killing you. <br />
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I went insane after three years of refusal. Where do you think you are going?? Look how crazy your questions are??