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Brick Wall

My husband wants a best pal to run with, not a wife. He gets upset at divorce,he doesn't want me to leave. We each hang off the edge of our side of the bed.
If I try to cuddle, his back hurts. (But he spends all day doing anything and everything and it doesn't bother him.) If I wanted to play in bed, he was tired. Sex was rare over the years and almost nonexistant before his medical issues. Then a year and a half ago, he no longer wanted it at all. I have done all the mentalbashings.. he isn't attracted to me, he doesn't like me, I'm not doing something right, etc....Try to discuss any of this, it isn't true and makes more excuses.

He does take care of my car and car expenses, keeps the house repaired, and helps me with my mother. He helps do housework and cooking, and we share our daughters expenses. We have separate checking and savings accounts, and do not share our financial info with each other.

In three years, our daughter turns 18, we will sell the house and go our separate ways.He is moving up north, I refuse to go. He is not dumping me in the middle of nowhere to to amuse myself while he finds more buddies to run with while the little lady sits at home.

I have finally hit a brick wall, I can't have an affair, I miss affection, cuddling, sex, romance and just being with a male who wants me. Depression is setting in and I am losing weight I cannot afford to lose. I am thinking about counseling for me, why I am in this situation. I am sitting here tired, ready to cry, unclear what direction to take. I hate confusion, he closes up when I try to talk about this marriage. How can he be content and I am miserable?! I am 48 and he is 46. Am I expecting too much? Do men lose this much sex drive at this age? I know I see people in their 70's hugging and kissing, it doesn't take much energy to show a little affection. I do know it takes two people to have a relationship, and at this point, neither of us is involved with the other. I do see other people living like this happily, is it wrong for me to want more?

I realize I am no longer angry and I want my anger back. It makes it easier to move forward and become proactive about my life. I have been angry for years, and when I make the decision to leave, I now get upset and depressed. Hubby never even listened or took me serious when I said we are done. I am going to be made to feel very guilty and that doesn't sit well with me. Does this ever end?
moondancelady moondancelady 51-55, F 54 Responses Jan 24, 2012

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You say you want to play in bed! If only my wife did that I would feel so wanted, but she doesnt want to know about sex unless I do an extraordinary amount of foreplay and then it seems an inconvenience as she only wants to sleep ! God knows what it would be like for a wife to want sex ! havent had that since I had a fling about 30 years ago in a different marriage. I remember it being so nice for someone to wake me up in the middle of the night gently stroking my **** wanting it to be stiff ! It didnt usually take very long, then she would be on top of me - her breasts thrashing around in my face - yummy yumm! happy days ;-)

put it behind you.. time to move ahead and be the person you were before family then add it to the experience and wisdom gained from the last 20 years. the two worst qualities in a mate are pettiness and passive aggressiveness and the guy has them both in spades

not a good way to live you need to find a man to please you lifes short have fun

I'm 48 and while it does slow down a little (though my faulty mitral valve may have a part to play in that problem), the desire is not gone if love is there. I applaud you for giving your daughter a stable home, and I feel badly for you that you are being denied even simple affection (not to mention sex).

If you're offering love, devotion and affection and he turns it down your only other input (at this point) is a recommendation for a third party intervention, which could be as big as having a family psychologist meet with the three of you. Hope he can get hisproblems out of the way of his primary obligations and commitments.

We have been separated for awhile now. He did mention counseling and I would have agreed. But his idea of counseling is I talk about my issues and he has nothing to say. He would not talk to a counselor any more than he would talk to me about what is wrong. I QUIT!!!!

Good for you!

I know its been awhile now, but I suggest starting with a marriage seminar or two with a commitment to apply lessons for positive results. The best thing you can offer your daughter is a testimony that relationships are worth on going effort.

the sex drive does not disappear at 45 in men. It is different in everyone. I to had medical issues in my 40's, mostly a major prostate infection which took two years to cure but I feel I've never quite been the same in performance. The prostate is amazingly important for male sex performance I found. So I also found out I had low Testesterone and once I started shots things got much better. Also smoking, oveweight, alcohol and overwork and stress take a big toll. It probably isn't about you although boredom can play a roll here to. I think men have more issues with this.
Since I retired I have been sexual like my 30's. My wife is to and it has been very good. Glad we stuck it out but it was rough for a long time, we both had affairs etc.

Do not ever feel guilty because he killed your marriage. Sounds like you were a loving wife but he wanted his friends more some men after years of marriage realize they are not happy with a woman try to talk to him about his friends are they really just friends. And then maybe he is not spending as much time with his male friends as you think but they are just there to alibi for him

i think he is not attracted to himself, he does not find himself sexy enough to be with you............ but since you two are separating guess it is too late to start telling him how beautiful he is.......for how can one show love if one does not love oneself first?

You might have a valid point there, but his way of overcoming that is to put himself first..always.

what you say he find himself too sexy? he would rather ********** and please himself than to please a woman? he narcissist.............egomaniac motherfuckkkker........................ least, I don't think so:) he is selfish...his friends are more important,his food is first..he hides food so no one can eat it..helll I don't weigh much so I am not eating his is just sad and pathetic

he hides food? wtf ? what an a double s.

why don't you begin to do the same, maybe he will catch on

I am not stooping to his level...LOLping snow and ice off
He killed the marriage completely with no hopes of recovery when he jimmied my garage door sensors so I couldn't get my SUV in any more. I spent my winter scraping snow and ice off and then spring came, he put my daughters jeep in there. Now they work fine....I am so out of here...we have a 3 car garage...he is an ***

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Moon.... I can see you and your H parting ways and that's probably for the best, but just because your daughter turns 18 soon doesn't mean she won't be affected by your sudden change and departure. She will still need emotional support and probably some financial support not to mention other things that crop up on a young person's life where they need to consult a parent. Is she going with you or him ( I know.... she's 18 - but she does matter!)

she wants to stay here. but she knows I want her with me. We will text and talk often and visit as much as possible. she plans to move out of here as soon as she can, she has a boyfriend and friends.

That's understandable. Has she voiced her feelings on your pending departure? Sometimes that close 3rd person we discount as being too young has some insights the we in our close-minded attitudes just dismiss.

She has and she has told me to leave and start over. She understands that this is love and people do not live like this. And she see that I crave touch and affection, she wants me to go and find someone so I am not alone any more:)

Oh I commiserate this is a mirror image of my husband and I to the word...I to am now having to face decisions. Good luck..

I have faced decisions. I am happier than I have been in a long time. I have job applications across the country...I am starting over. Once he buys my half of our home out...I will move away and I am truly looking forward to it. Amazing how many idiots around my town that seem to have an opinion about my life when they know nothing about it. I never air my private life to others here...they haven't a clue!

that's typical of outsiders looking in though..No idea.

Good for you at keeping your problems quiet from the gossipers. That is a habit my wife and I both practise - problems or not.

that is because they like to control others or because they are afraid of changing their own lives.......

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I am sorry to read sounds like you wrote my autobiography...I too live like this but she is the refuser...we are like roommates..awe have slept in separate rooms for 10 yrs now..when my youngest is off to college I am gone too.

4 yrs to go....

If I see you, I would love to but you a one should have to endure what we go through daily

Thank you for sharing



I am down to two years, and probably about done. That was a darn long year and uncomfortable. And I will hold you to that drink. We can swap stories.

My husband and I are not together...we are rooming until our daughter is 18 to avoid child support and he needs to come up with my share of the house. Once he does that we will finalize our divorce. We will both be a lot happier then.

We are no more than roommates, most if the time not liking each other but I front of the kids we act civil

You for that drink

just curious, what does your daughter say about you not sleeping together? does she know about the divorce ?

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You sound like me 14 years ago in my first marriage. I did the same as you- is he no longer attractted?; is he gay?; does he have a girlfriend? He's just a douche. He never held my babies or cared about their mile stones or any doctor appointments or school activities. Once we divorced he never saw them- they are now 19 & 22. I hadn't noticed then, but his father was the same. Go- save yourself and your kids- you can't polish chicken **** into chicken salad

I am getting ready to go. Applying for jobs across the country..making a clean break. My anger is back, I do not want to get ugly. My daughter doesn't need to see that. She is 16 and wants to stay here. I need my sanity..I am going.

You will be fine- stay focused and love your daughter-God Bless

Ya' gotta' move forward girl. Being in a sexless marriage is a **No Win** option. Once the partnership has reached that stage, you can't turn the clock back. I know. Been divorced for 6 mo. now. Sure its hard on me. I'm 50+ now. Wish I had done it 10yrs. ago.

Maybe I'll find the right girl...I don't know, but am walking into this New Life, Very slow. because the Ice is thin...

Very very thin ice. Yes, it is difficult separated and room mates..but it makes financial sense for two more years. My daughter will be 18 then

I think your husband is gay but afraid to admit it to himself.

And I often wonder that too:)

*********** addiction could shut down his sex life too. It's hard to get excited with a live partner when your so used to a fantasy life. I suffered thru this for awhile but things are back to normal now. I wish you well and a happy, healthy sex life. We all should have one its important to your mental and physical health. I was really surprised my wife didnt cheat on me when we were in a sexless marriage.

LOL...Hubs and I have been separated for a year. We share the house waiting for our teen to turn 18. Then we will part ways...I will be moved before he can blink!

I am sorry about your situation,and you sound like a fine young lady.I guess some men do lose their sex drive,but affection and love should remain to a certain extent.I really don't know what to tell you.You seem like a really good gal,but don't just sit at home and be miserable.Get out make some new friends and have fun.And if you would like to chat contact me.Hang in there and get out and live!!!!

I know your pain all too well. I admire the talent in your writing. It is difficult to emote in writing but you seem to be quite prolific at it. Thank you for allowing the sweet and precious perfume of your emotions to tantalize my world. I consider it a rare gift. I have become a fan.

Thank you. I love new fans:)

Not at all, in reply to all men losing their sex drive. I'm 73 and as horny as a school boy all the time. :)

Sometimes you read something someone shares and it hits home. Sleeping on the edge of the bed made me giggle. Glad it's not just me! So sorry for your pain I share much of what you are going through, but you are a head of me a little. Good luck!

Probably way ahead...we are separated now...we are both happier.

So happy for you.

Why wait three years? You won't get them back. If you think you're protecting your daughter you would be foolish to think she doesn't sense what's going on.

She does see and feels we ought tu split now. It is civil here though. no fighting or arguing. We simply go our separate ways.

Your daughter has it right.

Already working on it..seeing attorney soon..

He is spitting nails..loves his financial freedom with me...comfort ride is over baby!!!!!

Good luck to you. "Enjoy life, this is not a rehearsal" :-)

I am trying..

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we both sailing in same boat dear... same is the case story of mine mentioned by you here...

Sad place to be all these years later..

neva mind... if you wish we both talk .. friends ???
we be there on yahoo ... click me
yep ... its my pleasure ..hugs

you are sweet:)

I wish you luck, and better times. I had a similar struggle with my wife. One night, in frustration I got out of bed and dressed. It was late, after midnite, and she asked where I was going. I told her I was going out to get laid. She flipped out of course, and in the ensuing argument I told her I'd rather have her back, valuing me, than a stranger, but I easn't wasting more nights frustrated and starving for contact of any sort. I was lucky, she woke up. She is still a bit streaky, but so much better.

You were lucky..not too many people have it work out like that:)

Dammm it man..I wish I had done that. Midnight, got dressed, walked out. I guess I was too chicken at the time. Took 2 more years before I said..."Thats It !! I'm done with this marriage. Has It gotten any better??


I am in a similar situation and it has been difficult to think of a future not being married to my spouse anymore, but it is impossible to continue to live like this. I am trying to see this as a new chapter in my life. The old relationship won't be completely gone, but I need to find a new one and live the life everyone deserves. I recommend to picture life without your spouse and play it back over and over again, so when the time comes, it won't be as difficult. (I hope!).

I just posted an update. It is time to take control. I am sick of this life and need to move forward. I will embrace the fear, it will at least make me cautious.

Good Luck!

Poor dear ! Its not you . its him ! you are a smart sexy , financially and emotionally stable and independent ! . . . u lost your anger , i know what that feels like and what it can mean . in my case , its when i moved out and divorced her ***. you are a survivor and a thriver . at this point in ur life you should be happy, sexually fulfilled and loving it ! the very best to you dear. xo

It will not end until u say "Enough is enough!" You deserve to be happy, loved, appreciated, n supported. Counseling is good but even ur counselor will tell u its time to take charge n until u do things will not change. As far as 46 being an age when men lose their sex drive, it depends on the man. My husband is 61 n i am 45 , been together almost 23 yrs n we r having the best sex we have ever had n r more inlove than we have ever been. So its not the age. Hang in there til the time is right but u must make a stand for ur sake n sanity.

That is so sweet. Nice to know some men still want their wives no matter how long they have been together:)
You are a fortunate lady and he is a lucky man.

Great comment, good for you two

The new title should be " I don't live in a sexless marriage anymore " there are pros and cons to this decision. Do you love him? Do you love him as a lover, Does he understand that there are concerns and that you are really serious., Can you both afford to live Where will the daug.hter be located. What about insurance, who gets tbe house. Or who buys the other one out. ? Do you have. Redit? Do you have a money stashed???? Just some of the thngs that need to be thought through. OR JUST get him drunk then have sex, or tell him if he is not going to make love to you, then he can pay for the rent - a - husband, just a thought.

I vote for the rent a husband, if he breaks I can return him for another.

The house will be paid off in 3 years, most bills done in 3 years, and daughter graduates in 3 years! Methinks we both subconsciously did out parental duties for 18 years, and left the door open then.

So many good people have given you insightful information for you to review. I'm not sure what else I could say to make you think in a more positive way. That being said I will try anyway. <br />
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Marriages die or start crumbling mostly because of money or love. They fall into one of these two categories for the most part. Yours is about love, lack of love or the emptiness that fills the void when you don't feel as though you're loved. It grows at a fever pitch inside and you can't escape its grasp.<br />
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My marriage isn't perfect. Far from it. But working with a therapist as allowed us both to improve our relationship through better communication. A therapist doesn't fix things but gives you tools to help yourself. <br />
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Right now you need to figure out a way to get your husband to agree to receiving help. Believe me, guys will talk when given some encouragement. Try a few books on marriage relationships. Anything to jump start a discussion. That helped me see things from a different 3rd party perspective. Read it yourself and you will want to share what you will learn.

I have refused counseling. He will not discuss with me so he won't in front of a stranger. It is another ploy along with many others to buy some time and ignore the problems!

Find a guy that knows tantra. Presumably those guys can **** into their 80's.

Point me in the right direction...

WOW! ! Have lived the same thing for 14 yr's in a 29 year marriage, have one son that is 16 now, it is a long lonley road to wait on. I stayed faithfull the whole time & my son was mine and.hers biggest concern. But kids get hurt and do not like divorce at anytime. It just sucks, we were.divor ed in 08 and even though Iam free so to speak, it has taken till now to feel ok about starting to date. If the two become as one, that means that each of you give 100% to each other in everything. I don't think you need counciling, your husband does, it is his duty to give you good sex. Most all men come built with. A big desire for wanting- needing- thinking about it 24hr's a day no matter what our age. Make him an apointment with a urologist, He could be having errection problems & is ashamed. Or low on tertosserone. (Sorry aboutspelling) there are 3 fixes, pills- an injection- surgery? One is a liguid filled bag inserted near the prostate area and you just rub the skin on the surface and Bingo you get a hard on, the other choise is a permanate hard on. All of the time :) a rod is inserted in his thing. And he is ready 24/7 :) If he wont do this, then give him a sleeping pill and then a viagra, you can then give him a good workout. The next day he will not know what the heck hapened to him. Just a thought?

I am no longer interested. He needs to want to fix this for us and he couldn't care less. Or discuss it. I be er go backwards, only forwards. I am leaving in the next couple of years. If not sooner. I have heard everything he has not said! Time to move on. I now resent him, especially as I have been faithful and he blamed me..saying he believed I had an affair. Wrong answer. I can a count for all my time, he cannot account for all of his!!!

Well, I would try everything, and if he does not do what he needs to as a husband, then be free. Iam free &amp; single, have not been with anyone yet or dated but in that direction. WNEN WE GO SHOPING FOR SOMEONE wondering if there is an application where one could find out certain concerns in advance, like desire, endurance, size, adventure, honesty, romance, quality sex, quanity of sex, d&amp;d free, isthis to much to ask in advance for our next mate. ?