Brick Wall

My husband wants a best pal to run with, not a wife. He gets upset at divorce,he doesn't want me to leave. We each hang off the edge of our side of the bed.
If I try to cuddle, his back hurts. (But he spends all day doing anything and everything and it doesn't bother him.) If I wanted to play in bed, he was tired. Sex was rare over the years and almost nonexistant before his medical issues. Then a year and a half ago, he no longer wanted it at all. I have done all the mentalbashings.. he isn't attracted to me, he doesn't like me, I'm not doing something right, etc....Try to discuss any of this, it isn't true and makes more excuses.

He does take care of my car and car expenses, keeps the house repaired, and helps me with my mother. He helps do housework and cooking, and we share our daughters expenses. We have separate checking and savings accounts, and do not share our financial info with each other.

In three years, our daughter turns 18, we will sell the house and go our separate ways.He is moving up north, I refuse to go. He is not dumping me in the middle of nowhere to to amuse myself while he finds more buddies to run with while the little lady sits at home.

I have finally hit a brick wall, I can't have an affair, I miss affection, cuddling, sex, romance and just being with a male who wants me. Depression is setting in and I am losing weight I cannot afford to lose. I am thinking about counseling for me, why I am in this situation. I am sitting here tired, ready to cry, unclear what direction to take. I hate confusion, he closes up when I try to talk about this marriage. How can he be content and I am miserable?! I am 48 and he is 46. Am I expecting too much? Do men lose this much sex drive at this age? I know I see people in their 70's hugging and kissing, it doesn't take much energy to show a little affection. I do know it takes two people to have a relationship, and at this point, neither of us is involved with the other. I do see other people living like this happily, is it wrong for me to want more?

I realize I am no longer angry and I want my anger back. It makes it easier to move forward and become proactive about my life. I have been angry for years, and when I make the decision to leave, I now get upset and depressed. Hubby never even listened or took me serious when I said we are done. I am going to be made to feel very guilty and that doesn't sit well with me. Does this ever end?
moondancelady moondancelady 46-50, F 64 Responses Jan 24, 2012

Your Response


You say you want to play in bed! If only my wife did that I would feel so wanted, but she doesnt want to know about sex unless I do an extraordinary amount of foreplay and then it seems an inconvenience as she only wants to sleep ! God knows what it would be like for a wife to want sex ! havent had that since I had a fling about 30 years ago in a different marriage. I remember it being so nice for someone to wake me up in the middle of the night gently stroking my **** wanting it to be stiff ! It didnt usually take very long, then she would be on top of me - her breasts thrashing around in my face - yummy yumm! happy days ;-)

put it behind you.. time to move ahead and be the person you were before family then add it to the experience and wisdom gained from the last 20 years. the two worst qualities in a mate are pettiness and passive aggressiveness and the guy has them both in spades

not a good way to live you need to find a man to please you lifes short have fun

I'm 48 and while it does slow down a little (though my faulty mitral valve may have a part to play in that problem), the desire is not gone if love is there. I applaud you for giving your daughter a stable home, and I feel badly for you that you are being denied even simple affection (not to mention sex).

If you're offering love, devotion and affection and he turns it down your only other input (at this point) is a recommendation for a third party intervention, which could be as big as having a family psychologist meet with the three of you. Hope he can get hisproblems out of the way of his primary obligations and commitments.

We have been separated for awhile now. He did mention counseling and I would have agreed. But his idea of counseling is I talk about my issues and he has nothing to say. He would not talk to a counselor any more than he would talk to me about what is wrong. I QUIT!!!!

Good for you!

I know its been awhile now, but I suggest starting with a marriage seminar or two with a commitment to apply lessons for positive results. The best thing you can offer your daughter is a testimony that relationships are worth on going effort.

I so understand what you are going through, as I am in the same situation as you. It's just so hard, hugs

I have moved out, gone back to school and making a life for me again. It is a good feeling. Hubs wanted me to stay, just to pay my share of household bills. I am reliable and dependable...he can find someone else. So sad he would try to keep me with no relationship. He doesn\'t want to have to pay me for my half of the house. I am more than a financial benefit to some man!!! grrrr

Hugs will either find peace or find a new way. It takes time and women need to know deep inside that the path they choose is the best solution:)

Thank you :-)

Ah sex is only for people who want children. Sex for pleasure is just silly and stupid. is a great way to bond and intimately know a special partner.

That\'s why I hate it, special partners make me wanna kill someone. Bonding is not for me, I have no obligation to share myself with anyone

Bonding comes with a lot of headaches too. If you do not need it, then you are content to be alone. It is an individual right and need:)

I was born into a world where bonding meant getting stabbed in the back. My own father beat me nearly dead with a metal pipe, my collarbone was sticking through my skin. I refuse to bond with people to maintain my hard earned life. I wish you the best of luck in your bonding though :D

I was in an abusive marriage. Not all men are my first husband. He simply made me careful, and people now have to earn my trust.

That's not a bad policy. Its a sound way of life.

Oscar, **** you, don\'t tell me to not give up. I\'m happy being what I am. And your stupid pleasure has caused planet Earth to be grossly overpopulated, you have a lot to answer for, jackass.

Nature has its checks and balances. We have crippled nuclear power plants. There 'll soon be few enough of us all.

Is that some kind of a joke.

You're joking, right? Are we on the same planet?

What's a joke?

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the sex drive does not disappear at 45 in men. It is different in everyone. I to had medical issues in my 40's, mostly a major prostate infection which took two years to cure but I feel I've never quite been the same in performance. The prostate is amazingly important for male sex performance I found. So I also found out I had low Testesterone and once I started shots things got much better. Also smoking, oveweight, alcohol and overwork and stress take a big toll. It probably isn't about you although boredom can play a roll here to. I think men have more issues with this.
Since I retired I have been sexual like my 30's. My wife is to and it has been very good. Glad we stuck it out but it was rough for a long time, we both had affairs etc.

Do not ever feel guilty because he killed your marriage. Sounds like you were a loving wife but he wanted his friends more some men after years of marriage realize they are not happy with a woman try to talk to him about his friends are they really just friends. And then maybe he is not spending as much time with his male friends as you think but they are just there to alibi for him

i think he is not attracted to himself, he does not find himself sexy enough to be with you............ but since you two are separating guess it is too late to start telling him how beautiful he is.......for how can one show love if one does not love oneself first?

You might have a valid point there, but his way of overcoming that is to put himself first..always.

what you say he find himself too sexy? he would rather ********** and please himself than to please a woman? he narcissist.............egomaniac motherfuckkkker........................ least, I don't think so:) he is selfish...his friends are more important,his food is first..he hides food so no one can eat it..helll I don't weigh much so I am not eating his is just sad and pathetic

he hides food? wtf ? what an a double s.

why don't you begin to do the same, maybe he will catch on

I am not stooping to his level...LOLping snow and ice off
He killed the marriage completely with no hopes of recovery when he jimmied my garage door sensors so I couldn't get my SUV in any more. I spent my winter scraping snow and ice off and then spring came, he put my daughters jeep in there. Now they work fine....I am so out of here...we have a 3 car garage...he is an ***

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Moon.... I can see you and your H parting ways and that's probably for the best, but just because your daughter turns 18 soon doesn't mean she won't be affected by your sudden change and departure. She will still need emotional support and probably some financial support not to mention other things that crop up on a young person's life where they need to consult a parent. Is she going with you or him ( I know.... she's 18 - but she does matter!)

she wants to stay here. but she knows I want her with me. We will text and talk often and visit as much as possible. she plans to move out of here as soon as she can, she has a boyfriend and friends.

That's understandable. Has she voiced her feelings on your pending departure? Sometimes that close 3rd person we discount as being too young has some insights the we in our close-minded attitudes just dismiss.

She has and she has told me to leave and start over. She understands that this is love and people do not live like this. And she see that I crave touch and affection, she wants me to go and find someone so I am not alone any more:)

Oh I commiserate this is a mirror image of my husband and I to the word...I to am now having to face decisions. Good luck..

I have faced decisions. I am happier than I have been in a long time. I have job applications across the country...I am starting over. Once he buys my half of our home out...I will move away and I am truly looking forward to it. Amazing how many idiots around my town that seem to have an opinion about my life when they know nothing about it. I never air my private life to others here...they haven't a clue!

that's typical of outsiders looking in though..No idea.

Good for you at keeping your problems quiet from the gossipers. That is a habit my wife and I both practise - problems or not.

that is because they like to control others or because they are afraid of changing their own lives.......

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I am sorry to read sounds like you wrote my autobiography...I too live like this but she is the refuser...we are like roommates..awe have slept in separate rooms for 10 yrs now..when my youngest is off to college I am gone too.

4 yrs to go....

If I see you, I would love to but you a one should have to endure what we go through daily

Thank you for sharing



I am down to two years, and probably about done. That was a darn long year and uncomfortable. And I will hold you to that drink. We can swap stories.

My husband and I are not together...we are rooming until our daughter is 18 to avoid child support and he needs to come up with my share of the house. Once he does that we will finalize our divorce. We will both be a lot happier then.

We are no more than roommates, most if the time not liking each other but I front of the kids we act civil

You for that drink

just curious, what does your daughter say about you not sleeping together? does she know about the divorce ?

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You sound like me 14 years ago in my first marriage. I did the same as you- is he no longer attractted?; is he gay?; does he have a girlfriend? He's just a douche. He never held my babies or cared about their mile stones or any doctor appointments or school activities. Once we divorced he never saw them- they are now 19 & 22. I hadn't noticed then, but his father was the same. Go- save yourself and your kids- you can't polish chicken **** into chicken salad

I am getting ready to go. Applying for jobs across the country..making a clean break. My anger is back, I do not want to get ugly. My daughter doesn't need to see that. She is 16 and wants to stay here. I need my sanity..I am going.

You will be fine- stay focused and love your daughter-God Bless

M,y dear , I was in the same exact place, I tried !,For 5 years he slowed the flow , until roomate status was all we had.., Then even the conversation stopped,I died a bit more each day .ThenI got it into my head that life was to short to live like this ,i would be old son enough!! So I chose to leave and guess what I met the most wonderful man !! and now I feel 16 , so think on it dear .. kisses

I m leaving, we have agreed on that. He wants the house so he will buy me out. But I am trying to mates least til daughter will have her license to get herself around. She already has a car:)

Good for you wish you luck and peace and joy The feeling when you are on your own. and the paths open to you are endless .It is such a good feeling !!1

Ya' gotta' move forward girl. Being in a sexless marriage is a **No Win** option. Once the partnership has reached that stage, you can't turn the clock back. I know. Been divorced for 6 mo. now. Sure its hard on me. I'm 50+ now. Wish I had done it 10yrs. ago.

Maybe I'll find the right girl...I don't know, but am walking into this New Life, Very slow. because the Ice is thin...

Very very thin ice. Yes, it is difficult separated and room mates..but it makes financial sense for two more years. My daughter will be 18 then

Wow lot of deep thoughts. I could write and write. Two years ago i was at this place. Today it's different. Hurt people hurt people and then they don't want to be around the pain. Taking a separation let a lot of the pain out of our relationship. Everyone's journey is different. How are you doing taking care of yourself?

I am making changes but not sure I will last another 2 years. It is really rough for two people to paste fake smiles on or pretend we don't exist. I am not comfortable in my own home anymore.

Dang girl dodged that question in a clever fashion. Gonna have to use that. *scribble scribble*

LOL...bad habit

Whoa! You know L3D3!?! *looking around nervously*. Uhm ah.

Everyone knows her:)

*muttering in a hushed whisper* she's like everywhere! Sooooo, how about them sxless marriages!!! Awesome, no? All kinds of free time to uhm knit! *thinking did I really just say knit!?!*

Yup...and ...what are you knitting??? I a really curious:)

*jumping*. Whoa, you're back! Uhm uh knitting? Im uh knitting a Er ah a sock!!! Yes! I'm knitting a sock! *thinking omg did I just say sock??? Get out of her fast before you really shoot urself*. Well, ah, certainly nice meeting you here and there! are a silly man:) I wanna see that...ermmm...sock...yeah...thats it.

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I think your husband is gay but afraid to admit it to himself.

And I often wonder that too:)

*********** addiction could shut down his sex life too. It's hard to get excited with a live partner when your so used to a fantasy life. I suffered thru this for awhile but things are back to normal now. I wish you well and a happy, healthy sex life. We all should have one its important to your mental and physical health. I was really surprised my wife didnt cheat on me when we were in a sexless marriage.

LOL...Hubs and I have been separated for a year. We share the house waiting for our teen to turn 18. Then we will part ways...I will be moved before he can blink!

I am sorry about your situation,and you sound like a fine young lady.I guess some men do lose their sex drive,but affection and love should remain to a certain extent.I really don't know what to tell you.You seem like a really good gal,but don't just sit at home and be miserable.Get out make some new friends and have fun.And if you would like to chat contact me.Hang in there and get out and live!!!!

I know your pain all too well. I admire the talent in your writing. It is difficult to emote in writing but you seem to be quite prolific at it. Thank you for allowing the sweet and precious perfume of your emotions to tantalize my world. I consider it a rare gift. I have become a fan.

Thank you. I love new fans:)

Not at all, in reply to all men losing their sex drive. I'm 73 and as horny as a school boy all the time. :)

Sometimes you read something someone shares and it hits home. Sleeping on the edge of the bed made me giggle. Glad it's not just me! So sorry for your pain I share much of what you are going through, but you are a head of me a little. Good luck!

Probably way ahead...we are separated now...we are both happier.

So happy for you.

Why wait three years? You won't get them back. If you think you're protecting your daughter you would be foolish to think she doesn't sense what's going on.

She does see and feels we ought tu split now. It is civil here though. no fighting or arguing. We simply go our separate ways.

Your daughter has it right.

Already working on it..seeing attorney soon..

He is spitting nails..loves his financial freedom with me...comfort ride is over baby!!!!!

Good luck to you. "Enjoy life, this is not a rehearsal" :-)

I am trying..

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we both sailing in same boat dear... same is the case story of mine mentioned by you here...

Sad place to be all these years later..

neva mind... if you wish we both talk .. friends ???
we be there on yahoo ... click me
yep ... its my pleasure ..hugs

you are sweet:)

I wish you luck, and better times. I had a similar struggle with my wife. One night, in frustration I got out of bed and dressed. It was late, after midnite, and she asked where I was going. I told her I was going out to get laid. She flipped out of course, and in the ensuing argument I told her I'd rather have her back, valuing me, than a stranger, but I easn't wasting more nights frustrated and starving for contact of any sort. I was lucky, she woke up. She is still a bit streaky, but so much better.

You were lucky..not too many people have it work out like that:)

Dammm it man..I wish I had done that. Midnight, got dressed, walked out. I guess I was too chicken at the time. Took 2 more years before I said..."Thats It !! I'm done with this marriage. Has It gotten any better??


12 YEARS i went through same with my second wife, i now dont give a fu**, i have a 25 year old playfriend and like life again, i still keep in touch with the mom of my kids on a daily basis, even og on some holidays together but i dont even try, or want to have anything "close" with her any more. "o" , and sometimes her friends are more than enough to fill that part of my life.<br />
i feel for you...

I have created a life outside home. Now he gives me sad eyes..I do not care either. I still like him as a person, I need to keep moving forward. I do not want to continue resenting him, and I do not want to hate a decent man. He and I should never have gotten together. I am putting us both out of our misery. Why he thought I would continue sitting here waiting for better times is beyond me. He does not want to talk about it, he might have to fix his part! Heaven forbid!

I just grin and bare it around her, i keep it polite and go on with my life, she too is a good person, but i was tired of being given the cold shoulder, so that i give her a kiss on the check hello, maybe on good bye and thats it. we too have 17, 18 year olds that need two parents and a place to live through school etc but Olivia keeps me going.....have you found a special someone, that as in my case is just fun to be with..

I have and yes... fun to be with:)

i'm glad for you then, it can change how you look at life 180 is when all those things you wanted to try in life can take on new meanings, and boy do they feel great...

Nice to just connect again:)

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I am in a similar situation and it has been difficult to think of a future not being married to my spouse anymore, but it is impossible to continue to live like this. I am trying to see this as a new chapter in my life. The old relationship won't be completely gone, but I need to find a new one and live the life everyone deserves. I recommend to picture life without your spouse and play it back over and over again, so when the time comes, it won't be as difficult. (I hope!).

I just posted an update. It is time to take control. I am sick of this life and need to move forward. I will embrace the fear, it will at least make me cautious.

46? I'm on the far side of 46, and I've got plenty of libido left. Maybe the refractory time is a little longer than when I was 18 . . . . .

Good Luck!