Three Little RemindersIn the last 12 hours I have had three reminders of times in my marriage when I (perhaps foolishly) had hope and thought things would work out/get better.
The last of which took place not 5 minutes ago when I met someone at the airport who is traveling to the very small island where he & I were married. I had confidence, I had hope and I had dreams then. He hadn't pulled the bait & switch yet.
I clung to that "it will get better... It has to." for a long time after the wedding. Last night I came upon an old email that I sent to someone about a year into the marriage. Things had slipped by then and I had already begun to verbalize my need for things to be different to him, but to those around me I still protected him. I did not let on my unhappiness in that email but I remember the quiet desperation. I tried to keep up appearances because I did not want to admit where I was and also perhaps what I have tolerated.
Getting to the point of leaving is a long journey. I had a feeling I should have left a few months in but I just wasn't ready. I wasn't convinced I would find better and I believed he loved me although he wasn't showing it.
Getting here has already required a lot of change in me. Staying gone required more growth. I am not going back. But for a moment talking about the wedding, I felt regret. Not about the divorce. But regret about the marriage not being what I had dreamed. I was so hopeful.