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Three Little Reminders

In the last 12 hours I have had three reminders of times in my marriage when I (perhaps foolishly) had hope and thought things would work out/get better.

The last of which took place not 5 minutes ago when I met someone at the airport who is traveling to the very small island where he & I were married. I had confidence, I had hope and I had dreams then. He hadn't pulled the bait & switch yet.

I clung to that "it will get better... It has to." for a long time after the wedding. Last night I came upon an old email that I sent to someone about a year into the marriage. Things had slipped by then and I had already begun to verbalize my need for things to be different to him, but to those around me I still protected him. I did not let on my unhappiness in that email but I remember the quiet desperation. I tried to keep up appearances because I did not want to admit where I was and also perhaps what I have tolerated.

Getting to the point of leaving is a long journey. I had a feeling I should have left a few months in but I just wasn't ready. I wasn't convinced I would find better and I believed he loved me although he wasn't showing it.

Getting here has already required a lot of change in me. Staying gone required more growth. I am not going back. But for a moment talking about the wedding, I felt regret. Not about the divorce. But regret about the marriage not being what I had dreamed. I was so hopeful.
Changewilldoyougood Changewilldoyougood 31-35, F 5 Responses Jan 26, 2012

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When you start to think things might not be going real well, the first coping mechanism we usually try is "denial".<br />
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Denial is a very useful (and at the same time useLESS) method of coping. For a while.<br />
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But if it goes on too long, it becomes destructive in a passive floating manner.<br />
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The journal / diary idea I like. I ran a diary from Feb 1999, and reviewing bits of it now is highly illuminating.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I kept a journal for the 5 years that I was married to my refuser. <br />
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Whenever I start to feel lonely, or feel that I want to be held etc (Please note, I no longer yearn for him), I pull out my journal and read about all the nights when I wanted him but he didnt want me. I would read about how I would cry myself to sleep. How I grew to feel empty inside.<br />
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After about a page or two, I think, ok then, time to move on, so I dry my eyes and move on<br />
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Stay strong

I like your journal idea. I think it would be a great way to help deal with all of the emotions and self doubt that a sexless marriage causes.

Well said.I have reflected & honestly can say I have no real regrets. There were good times, even sexually. Hell the woman made me say uncle on the honeymoon & I thought that could NEVER happen.....lol<br />
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Sure there things went wrong down the road but in my case there was a happy year too. One out of 10 aint bad..lol Just kidding. But I just have a hard time fussing over regrets. Even looking at the bad times was a learning experience & I am now wiser as to warning signs in the future. At least I don't have to worry about another marriage going bad because the odds of me doing that again are about equal to the odds of me going to see an Elvis show this year :-D<br />
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Bang Away<br />
NSH :-)

Wise men say, only fools rush in....

NSH, yeah there were even some good times sexually for me too. While I was always the initiator and the one with a bit of a wild, creative, I'll try anything twice kind of sexual temperament he did surprise me on occasion. And God, did we have some great hotel sex - he would finally let loose a bit when we traveled until the last few years when the tap completely shut off. Explains why I planned so many trips away I guess. :) There were happy times too but there were never long stretches when things were just calm and easy. His personality was such that he liked to be contrary and create conflict. It made him feel strong and powerful. It beat me down finally but after it beat me down it made me stronger. Strong enough to leave. Thanks for the reflections, they made me think it through again slightly differently.

Love it :-)

What is it about hotel sex that is so hot? The enviorment, the sense of adventure, the neighbors banging on the wall screaming "Hey were trying to sleep over here"....lol.... I have no clue but HOT it was ;-)

Yeah. The neighbors, the unfamiliarity of the environment makes it feel new, the lack of kids or other people around makes it more freeing and the fact that the neighbors can hear and are jealous, all of it. Even my refuser XH understood and loved hotel sex. He used to plan staycations here at home to surprise me (many years ago, before they coined the term staycation) just to create an environment for some hot hotel sex. BF has figured out that trick too just recently.

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At least you didn’t hold on to something that wasn’t there. Too many here try to work it out and wake up and twenty or thirty years have gone by. You’re young and smart enough to try again and hopefully get it right. Good luck to you

Thank you. I am hoping things will work out better because of the lessons I've learned.

The back and forth is part of the process of life not just in relationships. There is no way around it. Did I take the right job? Do I live in the right community? <br />
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Did I make a mistake? That is the question with which we torture ourselves. The answer is yes, no, or maybe ba<x>sed solely on the angle at which you view the situation.<br />
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i've stopped asking myself that question because I've learned patience from this SM and give the universe time to do it's magic - to hold me in rhythm with it's amazing life force, and it always does.<br />
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You did what was right - you know it was right but that doesn't mean you won't look back and still pick at the carcass. Trying to get every morsel of meat off the bone is completely normal and maybe even necessary for us to move on knowing we did the best job we could to make a relationship work. <br />
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But, it is not and never was solely up to you, and that is the problem; He didn't want the same thing as you - if he had, he would have found a way to make it happen. <br />
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Growing is hard at any age. The beauty of what you have done is you've shown yourself that you can be strong no matter what and stand up for yourself no matter what. That, and many other things, are great life lessons you have gained from this experience. This particulary experience was carved out for you, and you've weathered it with grace, ingetrity and compassion. <br />
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I say you've passed the class...now it's time to move on. But you'll keep the photos of your journey in your heart forrever as a reminder of love and the pain it can bring. And you will be brave enough to love again and again and again knowing the pain is part of the package.

"The back and forth is part of the process of life not just in relationships. There is no way around it. Did I take the right job? Do I live in the right community?" I agree with this a lot. But the thing is, I never question my career, neighborhood, choices to adopt the twins etc. Those are so sure for me that it doesn't even occur to me. More often with my XH the question has been "was it the right choice to marry him? why did I select him?" Since I'm usually so firm on the other things that should have been a warning bell going off in my head. Ultimately I would do the marriage over again because I got the twins out of it. Helping them learn to heal and grow through adversity gave me much needed changes in perspective that ultimately gave me the strength to grow myself right up and out of a marriage that wasn't working. They have taught me as much as I have taught them.