Are You Substituting Food For Sex?

Dear Friends

I have just read an interesting article that talks about compensating for sex with food! In the last few moths I have been trying to keep a diet and regularly excercise but I HAVE noticed that sometimes I eat that much that it is hard to feel anything anymore....and who even wishes for sex after overeating!!!
On the other hand, I discovered that when I am home alone, and have time for myself (if you know what I mean) I do not get the urge to destroy the chocolate stock....

Anyway just wanted to share this...if for nothing else then for Friday fun :)

PS. My husband is taking me for a few days trip tomorrow - he promised a lot of changes there, meaning sex. Anyway I have made sure I get at least some pleasure by myself before we go as I don't know if I am in for a nervous and tense few days or a miraculous period of long awaited sex with my own husband. Wish me luck, these are the last chances for our marriage. Kisses to everyone.

And the article:

There is an undeniable relationship between our sexuality and the food we eat. And somehow, for millions of Americans we have lost our way on our search for sexual satisfaction and pleasure somewhere in a big box of chocolate. Food has become a stand in for sex, for countless people.

After all, eating is accessible and provides an immediate rush of pleasure. Eating compulsively can also put us in a kind of trance state and numb us for what we may be really wanting.

This does beg the question: “Why are we substituting food for sex?” Perhaps it is the usual obstacles to sexual pleasure that get in our way: Guilt, Shame and Fear.

And of course instead of owning and speaking our desire to ourselves and to our partners, we turn instead to the sensation of a crisp salty pretzel, or lick our way through mountains of ice cream (just this once).

Humans are sensation seekers. Why do you think that “Pop Rock” Candies that explode in your mouth are such a hit?

We crave sensation, pleasure, and something we just can’t name as we reach compulsively for the next great snack food. But have you noticed that it never really works? Perhaps for a moment, that initial rush of pleasure and sensation almost hits the mark. And if it doesn’t quite do it, we are off and running for something else…maybe this time we will try hot and spicy?

The truth is that what we are really wanting is not going to be found in our refrigerator, and that “Peak Experience” is never anything that we can feel good about in the morning. Instead, those old friends come back and visit anyway: Guilt, Shame and Fear – and this time it is about what we ate instead of our unfilled sexual desires.Why is that easier for us to swallow?

Too many of us live our lives holding “Forbidden Desire” and it shuts us down all the way to our toes. You can open it up and taste your “Forbidden Fruit” in so many ways. Use it in your fantasies without shame, speak it, read about it, watch it. You can free it up whether you fulfill it or not. The cost is too high to your health, happiness, creativity, and your love life to keep it in the dark. Let the light in. You may find that you are less hungry.

The goal is for a chocolate chip cookie to be just a chocolate chip cookie, to be enjoyed for the cookie’s sake. Not as a replacement drug to help you forget your sexual loneliness, or a poor stand in for sexual pleasure or our repressed sexual desires.

When we open our own private Pandora’s Box, and begin to explore that it might not be about the food, but something bigger and even more primal and forbidden than that chocolate-dipped twinkie, we are making a tremendous first step into patching the holes that are preventing our stomachs from telling us that we are full.

But stepping forward and saying that it is not about the food, but that our disordered eating (no matter how that manifests) is about how we stop ourselves from really going deep in our relationship with our partners, our own bodies, and our sexuality can be incredibly scary. There is no way that we cannot touch upon the deepest of issues in our lives (and there are few things as central as sex and food) without feeling uncomfortable. Go slow, and get support.

Difficult and sensitive issues are sure to surface. But that is where we find our freedom, and eventually touch our bliss.

bronhi bronhi
26-30, F
12 Responses Jan 27, 2012

I can relate to this. I Sometimes find myself crying to get to sleep at night because I live in a sexually un fulfilling marriage. I used to be healthy and working toward fitness but the state of my marriage has shaken my sense of sexiness and desirability. thus I have given up and given in to binges in order to cope with having a high sex drive by eating for pleasure. I have tried talking to my husband but nothing works. I am miserable, eat constantly, and i am determined to get my mojo back. If our sex life does not improve I fear for our marriage and my waistline.

I have many responses to stress. And eating is definitely one of them. Over the holidays I gained a little bit of weight and I actually realized it was easier to tolerate being celibate when I felt less sexy. Overrating definitely made me feel less sexy. I realized this on a day that I polished off an entire pint if Ben & Jerry's. This is self sabotage to the max. I started healthy eating again for the past two weeks and I'm feeling better physically. I seriously need to get to a psychologist. But anyway, thanks for the article. It's definitely relevant in my life anyway.

Been there....done that....<br />
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Wasn't just for sex. Emotional eating to fill void in myself. But, the lack of sex compounded it. I often said 'if I can't have sex, I am at least going to have FOOD'.<br />
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First year in confronting the issues around my sexless marriage, I confronted the emotional eating and lost 40 lbs. This elevated my confidence. It also removed the excuse of my body being the issue for his lack of interest in sex. I didn't just look good, I looked GREAT for the first time in a few years. My increased confidence led to a wider social circle and reaching out. This led to the development of a community of friends that have become like family. And, that led to having the emotional support to leave my sexless marriage.<br />
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Dominos my friends.<br />
<br />

Yes, I find confort in Belgian chocolates and new interesting restaurants. I have gained 20 pounds since we got married. I was very skinny before maybe too skinny, now I am curvy but cute as hell.<br />
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I shoud take it out on the treadmill instead of the chocolates....

I originally turned to living a much healthier lifesyle and getting myself in shape with the thought that this would ignite her interest. That did not work so I found and still find myself turning to food for pleasure and to deal. Pitiful, I know.


Different people deal with stress differently. For me, when deprived of sex, I hit the gym hardcore. Actually, when I'm stressed, annoyed, horny, confused, whatever, I take it out at the gym.<br />
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I've also realized that the other motivation to work out from lack of sex is that I'd subconsciously feel unattractive and undesirable when turned down. Which leads me to strive to be in better shape, so that I'd be more attractive, whether it's for my wife, or for other women. I've yet to pursue other women, but I do appreciate the sneaky glances at the gym (even if they're usually from cougers), or random compliments from strangers ("do you work out?" Um, duh...people aren't usually born with 46" chest). Ironically, I get more glances and compliments from other men (no, I've not pursued that either, and it's out of the question)<br />
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My best physique was at 28-30. It stated with my wife being pregnant with our first, and we were both committed to eating healthy. Her for the baby, me for support. That plus no sex (she was a nauseous, bloated, emotional wreck) meant great gym workouts, and I went almost every night, often solely to avoid her hormonal mood swings.<br />
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She had some tearing during delivery, due to her tightness from lack of vaginal activity. She also had some complications with her episiotomy, which meant no sex for 6 months. I continued to hit the gym hard, and had 4 separate people approach me privately asking for my source of steroids. Which I found both offensive, yet flattering. (I don't use steroids)

I go to over eating (and yes, that numbs your sex drive), to not eating at all...back and forth...<br />
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Next time H takes me to the restaurant (we do that fairly frequently), and server asks what I'd like, I'll say: "Sex, please!". That what the author meant about asking for what you really want without guilt and shame, right? :P

great idea :) I might try that out myself!!!

I eat like a garbage compactor. My stress relief when there is nothing happening in the bedroom is to eat and play video games. I just got Rocksmith so at least I'm learning a skill and it is hard to eat while holding a guitar.

Yes and no. I cooked a lot the first couple of years hoping for a good outcome, like feeding each other, having good wine and bringing the bottle to bed to finish. Nope... that tactic didn't work. So that is my only food/sex experience. I never over ate as a coping mechanism. He on the otherhand did.

Personally, I prefer to combine the two...<br />
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strawberries and cream, chocolate, cheese and wine...<br />
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One of my favorite movies is "Like Water for Chocolate"....<br />
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I gained weight because pregnancy was unkind to me, and I pinches a nerve, and couldn't even walk for 6 weeks...much less exercise...<br />
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No, I guess my instinct is to lose weight if not having sex in hopes of making myself more attractive to potential suitors...

I have never been one to eat during times of stress. But that's just me. If anything I eat less. This next comment is not meant as sexist in the least. <br />
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But this subject came up in a thread in the forum before. It seems most of the women gained weight & most of the men lost weight. Not meant as a knowck on women but an interesting observation :-)<br />
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Personally I lost weight. I am now 5ft 11in tall & weigh 165lbs. Now that I am having sex again (got out of the SM) I thought I would gain some back. But apparently, having sex, I am buring off more calories because I have gained a pound...HA!!!<br />
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Bang Away<br />
NSH :-)

Can belief this.