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My Sex Life With My Wife Sucks!!! Help

I am totally embarrased to speak to anyone about the troubles that I am facing because I feel like I put myself in this situation.

I have been with my wife since high school and I could never keep my hands off of her. Its been about 17 years 5 years of marriage and a couple of kids.

When I look back at it, we have never had passionate sex and she has never been a passionate person in that department. I figured that things would change as time progressed. Well it didnt, things actually have gotten a lot worst since I got married. I have learned that sex is something that is NOT on her radar at all. She actually shudders at the mention of "that conversation about sex" that we always have.
Its gotten to the point now where she has agreed to give it to me when I ask for it.

Now, honestly I feel terrible having to ask for it, but a man needs to do what  man needs to do right? For the first couple of months I just dealt with it, but as time progressed I noticed that I was thinking about too many things during sex. I am now at the point where I cannot focus on the act becuase I am too caught up with thinking about what she is thinking. I am a sexually free person, I will do whatever, wherever to make her happy. Am I asking too much to have sex 2-3 times a week with my wife? I dont want to cheat because I am afraid of the drama that it might bring. I told her that since I was her first (and according to her, the only) that maybe she needs to venture out to see what else it out there and then come back and see that it really doenst get better than someone that is eager to fullfill ANY AND EVERY sexual thought that she has.


I dont know what to do, I stay in a frustrated state. I feel like i live with a roommate, we dont kiss, we have superficial hugs, when she does initiate sex its on her terms. Its very robotic, I hate my life at home right now. Help me cope please.. and I feel like i brought this on myself because I knew that this was the case before I got married and now I feel like I am stuck and sex isnt important enough to leave behind 2 kids and a comfortable life. I have a buddy of mine that I like and she likes me and I know that I will get intimacy if I started something but i dont want to put her in a bad situation where I cant give her everything that she needs,.


I have more to write but, I dont think that an ebook can fit on this page.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated

mysexlifesucks mysexlifesucks 31-35 71 Responses Apr 23, 2008

Your Response


This posting is super old but im going to respond to it since I am in the same situation.

My sex life sucks is awful. Together 10 years, married for 6...and it is just completely awful. She was really never too much into sex...when we first started dating she really was, and we would have sex often. By the time we got engaged, about 2 years into our relationship, it started slowing down.

The day we got married, it ground to a complete halt.

We didn't have sex on our wedding night, or our honeymoon, or for over a week after a we came back from the honeymoon, so we never "celebrated" in that regard. We finally had sex about 7 weeks after the wedding.

When I tried getting her to have sex again a few days after that, she blew up at me telling me that she is "just not that much into sex, and I better learn to accept it."

And we've had a sporadic sex life ever since. Even know, with a 3 year old, relocation out of state to start a new life somewhere else...if I had known before we got married that this is what my sex life would be, that she would angrily confront me about how she's not into sex and that I need to accept that...I would NOT have married her.

6 years into our marriage we have it less than ever...maybe 2 - 3 times a year. I wonder if part of the reason why it has gone down even further (it used to be 8 - 10 times per year) is because she spends most of her time ************ to youtube videos of belly massages. So she's got weirdo fetishes that she gets off to now, which pushes me further away sexually. We're in our early 30's for God's sake...this infrequency of sex is something that's suppoed to happen in our 50's and 60's, not in the prime of our lives.

Mike, join the I Live in a sexless marriage group, which has about 49,000 members. You can't change your wife. She is not and will never be a sexually fulfilling partner for you. She tricked you into marriage by acting like she liked sex.Your choices are: find a way to be content without sex, outsource with or without her permission or knowledge; divorce.

Doing nothing while hoping your marriage will change for the better will just leave you mired in misery. There are married people who haven't had sex in decades. It's up to you whether that will be your fate. You can change your life if you have the courage.

Search up a guy called jason julius.... His lessons will make u like a super hero to her...

Jason julius teaches the art of orga$m for males to perform on females.. He is good.

It happens to so many of us. I think we don't realize how important it is to be sexually matched with someone. And how in time that can be a huge problem. While sex is very important to some a need to others it isn't needed. I feel your pain. I know you wrote this story back in 2008. I hope things turned around for you.

My wife and I got into boring and routine and we started playing sex games. It caused us to start laughing a lot! You can find board games in some stores or the best online we found is My Partner And Iā€¦just google mypartnerandi

Your sex life sucks?......well you're lucky!....there's no sucking going on in mine!

Amen! Hell with mine I could swear the last thing to touch my wife's lips was the wedding cake....SMH

Hah! really funny!.....but why such an ice cold regression in such a way?.....have you ever thought that if a friend behaved in such a way it'd be seen as TORTURE!......women are fantastic,until they become wives and turn into Dragons spitting fire with words!......why?

The problem for many feel that have to do things impressive to lure you into marrying them but once they get the ring, they get comfortable and stop everything. Some women are also not familiar with the old saying "what you won't do somebody else will"

Realizing that outsourcing may lead to complications that make your life more miserable, and a nasty divorce may be the least of those complications.

Have you tried marital counseling with a sex therapist? If she loves you, she may be willing to compromise.<br />
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A sex therapist also might educate both of you about ways to make sex more interesting and pleasureable. For instance, many women in particular don't realize that even when they think they aren't interested in sex, they may become horny if they start engaging in foreplay. <br />
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Many men don't realize how, for instance, making a sexual pass at their spouse by grabbing their wife's breasts or genitals is not the way to get many women in the mood even if they already are in bed together. Often the way to seduce a woman, even a longtime partner, starts long before they go to bed. Complimenting her, giving her a kiss or appreciative look all can start stoking her fires for later that day.

I have been with my girl for 3 years now (not married). We have a beautiful 11 month old daughter together. Our sex life has been the same since weve been together but just this week it has been tough. Im just bored now. It seems we dont do anything else other than missionary. She wont get on top and wont give oral or nothing just wants me to be on top the entire time. So I entered a phase where I didnt care about the sex in the relationship and for 2 weeks now ive been celibate. So today she asks am I cheating which is no. Then while Im at work I get a long text message about our relationship how im not affectionate and dont even try to touch her no more. Once I tell her her problem in the bedroom she flips the scrips and tells me if im not happy I can go find another freak because shes not going to change her ways. I just dont know what to do I love the girl and couldnt see myself distant from my daughter but our sex life is terrible. Im 26 and in my prime. This shpuld not be happening. This is something people should go thru when their much much older

Or never at all happening! I really feel for you bro, I had a similar relationship before. She was a perfect 10! But extremely boring in bed. So I also withdrew but only for her to accuse me of cheating. When I tried to talk about it she snapped and asked how I can dare say she isn't exciting in bed! Thank god we don't have kids and we started having more and more issues. Eventually we broke up.
In my next relationship I started playing a more dominant role and learnt that women love being submissive ( at least those are the ones I will be bothering about from now on). See 50 shades of grey! Since I live that way my sex life is awesome, I've never had girls *** so much from my d... so often and all they care about is sucking me and letting me have my way with them...

I don't know about you, but maybe also try to gradually become more dominant and taking control? I hope it works out for your daughter's sake

How do you the older person got that way? It was when they were younger. She will change her ways she was just mad. Taking care of a daughter can lessen her sex drive because it takes a lot out of her and just wants to get it over with maybe.

im on the same ship bro this sounds alot like my relationship, just keep trying dont give up.

Welcome to love and commitment, that **** kills some women libido for some strange reason

1 More Response

If this is still an issue in your life, I have a suggestion:
I believe a good step would be to communicate with your wife about this in a totally neutral, non-judgmental way. Tell her you needs - in this case, a good sex life/passion/intimacy - , tell her your feelings about this - you feel embarrassed to approach her, or maybe you feel afraid of rejection, perhaps you just feel frustrated ( I can't say specifically, as it is your personal issue) but you get the gist. Refrain from judgment or generalization that aims to blame or accuse eg." You always refuse!", "I'm always the one who has to initiate", or in your words " ...feel like i live with a roommate, we dont kiss..etc" (I'm not trying to offend you here only to point out a tone that would only make things worse). Just keep it simple and empathetic eg, " I feel frustrated because I need sex/intimacy/passion" NOT " I feel frustrated cos YOU never want to have sex/your robotic! etc". Do you see the difference? One talks about your needs, the other blames someone for not meeting them.
What next? Find out her feelings and needs. I don't know enough to guess them, but it may be along the lines of feelings of anxiety, perhaps guilt. She may have been severely repressed or abused as a child. These are things that if you're not aware of already, you must find out. Blaming adult behavior is futile if you don't recognize it as child behavior that's been stuck in a loop over someones life.
Look up Marshall Rosenburg on youtube. He talks about his principle of communication which aims to really improve the quality of relationships by replacing a lot of our language that intends violence, with language that brings out compassion. It's helped a lot in my life, may it help yours.

Omg , it's first time I heart both hate sex , and maintain a long term marriage.

Now i am I bed at a hotel with my wife sleeping at the side...... Without doing sex at all....... Not even in hotel at another city. Not even we both showed , and been walking in the room , almost half naked. She just sit on toilet and play iPad . We were flirting during the day about having sex. But it doesn't seem to be on her agenda. Not a tiny bit, far as I feel it. I am frustrated that I have to be The "active" one all the time, and ask for having sex. Also , I do not feel there are any passion or curiosity from her about this topic. I will follow my heart and do whatever. I could to satisfy my need, which I believe quite natural a need ,same as i wanna drink and eat. It never seems so important to her, and she would never imagine how important that is to me. Soon there will be some actions,I would rather find some hookers or one night stand, than having an affair. Since I believe my heart will still stay, but my body just can not stand it.

Two times this has happened in my marriage. The first time it was when I was pregnant with our son the next time was the months after we had our son but he passed away as a newborn. While I was pregnant my husband would say he was afraid to hurt the baby one time. The next time he was claiming it was because it wasn't "sexy" that I was mad all the time. Mind you I was dealing with his cousins living with us, not helping, not contributing to the household, and we were having financial problems. He was letting all these issues stop us from being intimate. Clearly I would have been happier if we would have been intimate with eachother. Worse yet I caught him ************ with **** countless times.
After our son died he was cool for a while but then he started not having sex with me AGAIN. We talked about trying again so of course we needed to have SEX to do this. I didn't want it to be a chore. I dressed up, lost all the baby weight ( you'd never know I'd been pregnant) and I also taught dance and was in great shape. I bought a sexy outfit and he just looked at me like whatever. I hurt so much still. I had to beg constantly. I never had to beg before and he wasn't my first so at no time did I ever imagine I would have to beg. Again I caught him with the ****, again he said me being "mad" all the time wasnt sexy (and this time I wasn't I was trying to stay strong in the midst of grieving our son) and once he totally openly insulted me.

We are "ok" now. Why? We are in an unintended seperation. We relocated back to the States after living abroad for a year and a half. I'm also pregnant. So I live at my parents home and he with his mom until we can get a place together. He probably still watches **** but I think he figured out real live p ($$7 is way better than vids. I worry about how things will be when we move back in together. We've been married for 7 years and sex wasn't the only issue but probably the most significant problem.

Bytw like another poster said I'm a beautiful lady. Im 32 but look like 26. I workout eat right no drinking etc. I know im beautiful because people tell me this all the time. He USED to. I've heard crude comments before about men not wanting their wives due to ahem no longer being a "tight" fit. I know this is not the case with me. One word: kegels. Whatever is going on with him has nothing to do with me. I think its because he never learned to be a romantic passionate lover.

Sorry to hear that, I think your hubby is a douche and doesn't appreciate you. I'm sure you are damn sexy and pregnant women even turn me on more. I hhope you find someone that makes you feel desired 24/7

Sorry. Look, the only way to cope is to get your dignity back. Stop begging. This will not improve your marriage, but will improve your self esteem. Then sit down and figure out your options. There aren't many, believe me. Then figure out what you are willing to pay in order to have a chance at being happy before you die. Is it worth your marriage as it stands now? If it is, then make a plan. What kind of plan, you ask? Read more of the stories on this site, or more importantly, the responses. Incredibly helpful and supportive. You will find several plans with different goals, one of which will probably fit your ability/willingness to pay whatever price is involved in said plan.

Has she fallen asleep while in the act yet? That's where I was, not once, not twice, but yes ladies and gentlemen, an unbelievable 5 separate times of his wife making him beg for sex and then falling asleep while doing it before this gentleman had his WTF moment. I should be on Jerry Springer for the STUPIDEST doormat to ever grace my wife's front porch.

This totally me, this is sucks..

RE: powerful2012
" im begging like a f----ing dog"

At least you are a guy. Imagine a woman begging? :( Yep, I begged. Disgusting and humiliating. I hated myself for that. And you should see what I look like (I mean I understand if I was an ugly *****, or something). I am so unbelievably happy that I made him leave! I can't keep going with a humiliation like that. Before I got married, I've never been refused sex once in my life. And then came the hubby.

"At least you are a guy. Imagine a woman begging?"

This is disgusting. You are saying it's beneath a woman's dignity, but not a man's.

My sex life with my wife has never been great. We have been together since high school and a 2 year split before we got married. Sex is the same every time and place. (the bed room). I tell her she is pretty all the time and flirt constantly. I ask my wife about fantancys and what turns her on,,she HAS NEVER GIVEN ME AN ANSWER. On a daily basis I work, do laundry, make the bed, make dinner, help clean up after, vacuum, bring the kids back and forth from practices, to try to make her life easier. I have given up a lot to give her the life she wants, and I can't seem to get a few joys I like in life. When I tell my wife she is pretty and flirt with her, I am sincere....I love my wife....but to be honest, I am about done. By the way I'm not asking to have sex 5 times a week, im thinking 1 to 2 times a week with a little quality loving one of those times

brianw, I hear you man... and now that I've finished reading the "Sex-Starved Marriage" book, I highly... highly... recommend it. I would give a copy to all married friends, if they wouldn't find it weird.

It really clarifies the situation from both sides and helps lift a lot of that toxic resentment that builds up in this kind of situation. My wife and I are still working on it, but even now -- before I've worked up the nerve to have the "conversation" with her (as recommended in the book, and well outlined) -- we're already starting to chip away at what was a trend of awkward and despondent physical relations (or non-relations).

Are we at weekly sex yet? No. But we've had some passionate sex since, plus she's snuggled up to me a couple times and has generally seemed both closer and a little happier. I can only imagine that's because I'm figuring out how to get past some of that tension we've had for so long.

If it keeps going, I've got high hopes for how well we'll end up. And it really is transformational, to find our way back like this. Not just because I want "sex" so to speak, but because I feel the connection with her that's been so threatened these last many years. I feel loved and no doubt act more loving, and more confident in everything else too.

And again, we're just getting started.

Do get the book... I think you'll find it at least a huge relief to here someone understands what you're feeling and thinking. And it might just be transformational. Good luck!

I would write a longer response, but the echo in this chamber is resounding enough. As I write, my wife is in bed beside me and asleep.

Our sex life is as pathetic as any mentioned here and it causes me GREAT sorrow... yet, as you all say, she's unwilling to acknowledge or accept that. But it's not so simple as saying it's her fault and I know that.

What's more, it's not so simple as declaring love dead... because I do love her and our kids. Likewise, she loves me (or at least I think she does... without the touch I expected from this relationship, going into it, I'm never sure anymore).

Anyway, I hope to find a "fix" before it's too late, whatever that might mean. But I thought I might mention one that's lately brought me at least a little comfort. It's a book called "The Sex-Starved Marriage" by M.W. Davis.

Read it if you're the guy, the girl, the higher sexed, or the lower sexed person. It appears to cover every base and offer solutions no matter where you land in responsibility for the problem.

Best of luck to everyone. It's terrible, this, I know.

DUDE.... I'm 26, shes 24, we've been dating 3 years... in the beggining she would give me road#*@l) whenever i asked(she told me this), do whatever we wanted ANYWHERE, and now ..... well... you describe it perfectly, its this agonizing thought that follows me around alllllllllllll day everywhere, its messing up my work life, my home life, my responsibilities, etc.
I dare not cheat, I love her too much. Like you said, we have the PERFECT relationship, unlike many others, but zero sex life whatsoever. She doesn't seemed bothered by it at all.... where as I would do anything just for her to touch me that way once more. The one thing I can say here for a fact, is this: YOU are NOT alone my friend. Your post gives me inspiration to try harder, and be more creative!

OMG this is me exactly... wow... same age too...

hey this is no bull and some of u hit right on head we started off 5 6 time out the day now im begging like a f----ing dog,and she sitting around like it nothing go bed every nite thing it might happen man got movie of her but that dont even do nothing any more you work hard and to put up whit this s--h is unreal the fishies are bitting

Im a wife with a kid... Me n my husband have the same point of view.. We hate sex n did it 2-3 times a year...we r happily married for almost 8 years n life without sex will b just fine for both of us.

That's what your husband says anyways. I could be wrong, but If my girlfriend asked if zero sex was ruining our relationship, I might struggle to say "yes". BUT.... I know a lot of guys who say that its fine, all the time, then we chat about how much it kills us later. Speak to him again and see if thats his true opinion. I may be 100% wrong here, as I am not there with you guys, and havent seen/heard the things you have

You got kids to raise.... I'm afraid you're stuck :(

I know exactly what you mean. While reading this, I thought this was a written by me. I am in the same situation and living life like this sucks. At least you get it when you ask for it, I can drop all kinds of hints and she still just brushes it off. Honestly, I think it's gonna get to the point where I have to get my needs fulfilled elsewhere.

IMHO, if you have tried everything, over an extended period of time, talked it all over with your spouse and told them how you feel being rejected over and over, its unlikely that this person will ever change. So you have a few choices. 1. Divorce now. 2. Divorce when you think your children will not be damaged significantly. 3. Suck it up and just live with it. But don't kid yourself. An asexual spouse who knows their rejection hurts doesn't love you. You are being used. If you're going to stay, live your life your way and if it angers them, then tough. But as someone else suggested, quit asking for sex, quit hugging, cuddling, complimenting etc. Again. You are being used, not loved.

This is so common that it is obviously some type of natural pattern that happens with women. There is likely a natural time limit on the sexual attraction a women has for a man that allows for reproduction and raising of the children....7 year itch? In most of our evolutionary history I think 5-7 years would be enough time to raise a few kids to the age they could integrate autonomously into the village where they would then be looked after by the whole community/tribe. After this period there is likely programming in the women that makes her sexually non receptive / attracted to her former mate (no matter how many rose pedals he lays down at a motel... conversely the guy your wife is currently having an affair with on the copy machine never spent a dime on her....she just wants diverse *****!) as it is better for her to diversify her genetic legacy if she can. There is no such thing as sexual monogamy in any other species.....period!. <br />
For men we are programmed to have sex as much as we can, quantity of quality...endless *****. In fact ***** are designed to compete inside a women and the male penis is designed remove other mens *****. These are things that have developed over millions of years and are indicators of how we really suppose to live as Human beings. <br />
For Men the idea that you get married (genetically insignificant recent Human social economic construct ) and don't spread your seed beyond one women just means that you are a weak man or now that unhealthy human social economic forces dominant our nature that you can not afford to. Divorce laws strongly penilize<-pun intended men if they are the primary income provider and are basically designed to keep women and kids off public assistance by forcing you to stay in a relationship that has naturally expired. <br />
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I think we may be wise to look at different ways of living as a society....these are symptoms of a sick society more then individual couple problems that are result of the guy not changing a diaper or doing the dishes. We need to evolve social economic / religious human control structures to allow us to be more human. Modern Example: I love my wife and our family but if I could go have meaningless sex with no financial or other attachments once in a while (look to the way Italian or French men live) I would be much more content holding together a family life with my wife for the sake of the kids, even though she has little interest in sex with least until the kids are on there own (to bad it takes 18 years in our society instead of 7). I think it is different for women....I don't think a monthly get out of jail free card would work as well for them as they are more looking for a different mate not just sex. However if she was discreet, does not make a fool of her man and treats him well otherwise....including putting out with gusto every once in while (for something so important to men is it really that much to ask? Stop being so selfish) ....I would not really care.

Oh stop it. You don't need to justify people's selfish behavior with ad-hoc evolutionary fairy tales. People are just selfish. No "village tales" required.

I feel for you guys. My marriage has not been sexually ideal but we've managed to keep it going at least at pretty much once a week deal for most of our years. Its still fun, and she enjoys also, even after 36 years. Here's a couple of suggestions. Many women get bored and you need to spice things up, not being your predicable self.<br />
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Take her on a romantic vacation to a sexy place. Try a Nudist resort, or a romantic seaside resort that's very private or where there are topless women around, or just a lot of great bodies.<br />
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Don't be a wimp, like begging for it, doing whatever to keep her happy. Women like a challenge. Try taking the check book or credit cards away. Tell her no when it comes to something she wants. <br />
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Take up some hobbies, like golf or a bowling league or something. Have some fun and enjoy your life. If she doesn't want to find time for you, find other ways to have fun. It lets her know you don't need her to enjoy your life. Quit chasing her. Don't hug kiss or anything.<br />
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Finally, if your in a sexless relationship and she's refusing, dump her. Even in the Bible, God does not expect people to stay in a sexless marriage. Sex is part of the deal in marriage. And if she's bad, let her know.

"Don't be a wimp, like begging for it, doing whatever to keep her happy. Women like a challenge. Try taking the check book or credit cards away. Tell her no when it comes to something she wants"

So your ok with the fact your wife doesn't wanna have sex with you unless you pay her ? and buy her what she wants with your creditcards? LOL really? If my wife would only have sex with me if i allowed her to use the credit cards i would be loooong gone! Cuz sticking around would be being a wimp!!!

Look, my wife had an uncertain childhood (always worried bout what would happen next). She figured i would bring structure (a falsehood; no one brings that). <br />
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My sex life is a representation of what she wants; a boring, predictable, series of events. She likes it, but i would **** anything that desired a sexual experience that exceeded the most boring sex in the world. I want a woman that wants to try new things. I mever get it

I'm there. Sex w/7yr wife is boring. Only likes and thinks sex is a mechanical act and she can derive no more pleasure from it than she received from her first lover. She has no desire to explore because she has no imagination. She thinks being used is the only sex. What turns me on is a woman who wants from me what i want from her; variety! I never get it! She wants routine while i want anything but!

I think sometimes it's the little things that turn women on the most. You may just need some new tricks in your foreplay. I don't know what you normally do, but try giving her an oil massage, suck on her toes, rub/scratch her in abnormal places, tickle her, lick& suck on her ears... try new things like that to get her in the mood, do you eat her out? Maybe she wants to be spanked. It's kind of hard for some women to tell a man she wants kinky things. Tell her that while it's great to have her agree to sex, that you want to make her happy with it. <br />
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If that's not working out, maybe she feels over-worked? Have you tried doing all the chores for her one day? I think the biggest turn on for a mother would be having all the chores done, a babysitter called, and to be whisked off to a romantic restaurant and a rose petal and candle lit hotel room maybe with some chocolate covered strawberries and champagne. You're going to know what she likes better than I do, but take out all the stops and show her how important her happiness is to you by fulfilling her every NON sexual dream, before you fulfill the sexual ones. (If you don't really know what she'd want because it rarely comes up or her tastes have changed, see what kinds of books she reads/movies she watches, and take from any romantic parts in that)<br />
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The third thing you might try is role playing. Have her and you both dress up for a club. Let her sit at the bar in her sexy clothes, watch her from across the room and buy her some drinks. Come up and introduce yourself by some crazy sexy name, have her ready with her own. Tell her how much you want to taste her body, and whisper into her ear that her legs are driving you wild. Let the night play out as two strangers, drive her home and explore these new personalities in bed. Do some position she doesn't normally see from you, be more forceful than you normally are, and see what you can get her to do.