My Sex Life With My Wife Sucks!!! Help

I am totally embarrased to speak to anyone about the troubles that I am facing because I feel like I put myself in this situation.

I have been with my wife since high school and I could never keep my hands off of her. Its been about 17 years 5 years of marriage and a couple of kids.

When I look back at it, we have never had passionate sex and she has never been a passionate person in that department. I figured that things would change as time progressed. Well it didnt, things actually have gotten a lot worst since I got married. I have learned that sex is something that is NOT on her radar at all. She actually shudders at the mention of "that conversation about sex" that we always have.
Its gotten to the point now where she has agreed to give it to me when I ask for it.

Now, honestly I feel terrible having to ask for it, but a man needs to do what  man needs to do right? For the first couple of months I just dealt with it, but as time progressed I noticed that I was thinking about too many things during sex. I am now at the point where I cannot focus on the act becuase I am too caught up with thinking about what she is thinking. I am a sexually free person, I will do whatever, wherever to make her happy. Am I asking too much to have sex 2-3 times a week with my wife? I dont want to cheat because I am afraid of the drama that it might bring. I told her that since I was her first (and according to her, the only) that maybe she needs to venture out to see what else it out there and then come back and see that it really doenst get better than someone that is eager to fullfill ANY AND EVERY sexual thought that she has.


I dont know what to do, I stay in a frustrated state. I feel like i live with a roommate, we dont kiss, we have superficial hugs, when she does initiate sex its on her terms. Its very robotic, I hate my life at home right now. Help me cope please.. and I feel like i brought this on myself because I knew that this was the case before I got married and now I feel like I am stuck and sex isnt important enough to leave behind 2 kids and a comfortable life. I have a buddy of mine that I like and she likes me and I know that I will get intimacy if I started something but i dont want to put her in a bad situation where I cant give her everything that she needs,.


I have more to write but, I dont think that an ebook can fit on this page.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated

mysexlifesucks mysexlifesucks
72 Responses Apr 23, 2008

Hello, I know it's been a long time since you've shared your story but I hope things got better for you, one way or another. I truly hope you're happy now and would like to how things turned out for you.
warmest regards, Abelle

Listen men, sometimes you just have to read the signs. What you are doing to arrouse your spouse isnt cutting it. Get a new act. sex is rarely a nagging issue for women. We Don't NEED it. It is nice and has potential to happen more often if the game is played right. Turn the woman on not while she is washing dishes or trying to take a breath between the million "mama why...bla bla bla" questions she gets all day. You put the kids to bed. You make her a dinner. You say "hey, it isn't as easy as it seems being with the kids and house and 80lb dog all day". Give her attention. Attention that doesn't feel like you are just trying to score. Try that once a week..see what happens. We do enjoy sex, but we don't need it or want to give it up for nothing. How did you really earn it? Staying at home and watching the kids all day is not a turn on. You want sex? Sorry, you have to work for it. You want that road head again..start dating your woman. Just bc you both happen to be in the car together without the kids doesn't mean we are going to take advantage. Give them attention. Real attention.

Your are right on many counts here....yet I beg to differ on the fact that you need to 'Give It Up'...please!....why should men even have to date a lady in order to get layed at the end....we don't aim for sex as the final prize.
In a relationship men want sex as part of the intimacy they thought they had...if he finds her sexy washing the dishes that's AMAZING!...just imagine when she's all dressed up with make-up and heels....he's exstatic!
The problem is when sex is used as a weapon by wives and women,when it is place as a bartering tool,or as a treat.....if this is the case then we are boys who clear their room for sweets or to be able to eat cake......the constant infantalization of men in the home is the real root of the don't need to 'GIVE HIM SEX'....he's your husband and you are his partner....imagine you both you beg him for a! just open the packet and take one....not forgetting to light him one up too!

And that's all there is too it....if women were to stop behaving like 'Old Wives Tales' then men,us,we would probably take you to Bora Bora every year WITHOUT you asking!

Try saying "YES HONEY I'M READY!"

This posting is super old but im going to respond to it since I am in the same situation.

My sex life sucks is awful. Together 10 years, married for 6...and it is just completely awful. She was really never too much into sex...when we first started dating she really was, and we would have sex often. By the time we got engaged, about 2 years into our relationship, it started slowing down.

The day we got married, it ground to a complete halt.

We didn't have sex on our wedding night, or our honeymoon, or for over a week after a we came back from the honeymoon, so we never "celebrated" in that regard. We finally had sex about 7 weeks after the wedding.

When I tried getting her to have sex again a few days after that, she blew up at me telling me that she is "just not that much into sex, and I better learn to accept it."

And we've had a sporadic sex life ever since. Even know, with a 3 year old, relocation out of state to start a new life somewhere else...if I had known before we got married that this is what my sex life would be, that she would angrily confront me about how she's not into sex and that I need to accept that...I would NOT have married her.

6 years into our marriage we have it less than ever...maybe 2 - 3 times a year. I wonder if part of the reason why it has gone down even further (it used to be 8 - 10 times per year) is because she spends most of her time ************ to youtube videos of belly massages. So she's got weirdo fetishes that she gets off to now, which pushes me further away sexually. We're in our early 30's for God's sake...this infrequency of sex is something that's suppoed to happen in our 50's and 60's, not in the prime of our lives.

Mike, join the I Live in a sexless marriage group, which has about 49,000 members. You can't change your wife. She is not and will never be a sexually fulfilling partner for you. She tricked you into marriage by acting like she liked sex.Your choices are: find a way to be content without sex, outsource with or without her permission or knowledge; divorce.

Doing nothing while hoping your marriage will change for the better will just leave you mired in misery. There are married people who haven't had sex in decades. It's up to you whether that will be your fate. You can change your life if you have the courage.

Search up a guy called jason julius.... His lessons will make u like a super hero to her...

Jason julius teaches the art of orga$m for males to perform on females.. He is good.

It happens to so many of us. I think we don't realize how important it is to be sexually matched with someone. And how in time that can be a huge problem. While sex is very important to some a need to others it isn't needed. I feel your pain. I know you wrote this story back in 2008. I hope things turned around for you.

My wife and I got into boring and routine and we started playing sex games. It caused us to start laughing a lot! You can find board games in some stores or the best online we found is My Partner And Iā€¦just google mypartnerandi

Your sex life sucks?......well you're lucky!....there's no sucking going on in mine!

Amen! Hell with mine I could swear the last thing to touch my wife's lips was the wedding cake....SMH

Hah! really funny!.....but why such an ice cold regression in such a way?.....have you ever thought that if a friend behaved in such a way it'd be seen as TORTURE!......women are fantastic,until they become wives and turn into Dragons spitting fire with words!......why?

The problem for many feel that have to do things impressive to lure you into marrying them but once they get the ring, they get comfortable and stop everything. Some women are also not familiar with the old saying "what you won't do somebody else will"

Realizing that outsourcing may lead to complications that make your life more miserable, and a nasty divorce may be the least of those complications.

Have you tried marital counseling with a sex therapist? If she loves you, she may be willing to compromise.<br />
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A sex therapist also might educate both of you about ways to make sex more interesting and pleasureable. For instance, many women in particular don't realize that even when they think they aren't interested in sex, they may become horny if they start engaging in foreplay. <br />
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Many men don't realize how, for instance, making a sexual pass at their spouse by grabbing their wife's breasts or genitals is not the way to get many women in the mood even if they already are in bed together. Often the way to seduce a woman, even a longtime partner, starts long before they go to bed. Complimenting her, giving her a kiss or appreciative look all can start stoking her fires for later that day.

I have been with my girl for 3 years now (not married). We have a beautiful 11 month old daughter together. Our sex life has been the same since weve been together but just this week it has been tough. Im just bored now. It seems we dont do anything else other than missionary. She wont get on top and wont give oral or nothing just wants me to be on top the entire time. So I entered a phase where I didnt care about the sex in the relationship and for 2 weeks now ive been celibate. So today she asks am I cheating which is no. Then while Im at work I get a long text message about our relationship how im not affectionate and dont even try to touch her no more. Once I tell her her problem in the bedroom she flips the scrips and tells me if im not happy I can go find another freak because shes not going to change her ways. I just dont know what to do I love the girl and couldnt see myself distant from my daughter but our sex life is terrible. Im 26 and in my prime. This shpuld not be happening. This is something people should go thru when their much much older

How do you the older person got that way? It was when they were younger. She will change her ways she was just mad. Taking care of a daughter can lessen her sex drive because it takes a lot out of her and just wants to get it over with maybe.

im on the same ship bro this sounds alot like my relationship, just keep trying dont give up.

Welcome to love and commitment, that **** kills some women libido for some strange reason

If this is still an issue in your life, I have a suggestion:
I believe a good step would be to communicate with your wife about this in a totally neutral, non-judgmental way. Tell her you needs - in this case, a good sex life/passion/intimacy - , tell her your feelings about this - you feel embarrassed to approach her, or maybe you feel afraid of rejection, perhaps you just feel frustrated ( I can't say specifically, as it is your personal issue) but you get the gist. Refrain from judgment or generalization that aims to blame or accuse eg." You always refuse!", "I'm always the one who has to initiate", or in your words " ...feel like i live with a roommate, we dont kiss..etc" (I'm not trying to offend you here only to point out a tone that would only make things worse). Just keep it simple and empathetic eg, " I feel frustrated because I need sex/intimacy/passion" NOT " I feel frustrated cos YOU never want to have sex/your robotic! etc". Do you see the difference? One talks about your needs, the other blames someone for not meeting them.
What next? Find out her feelings and needs. I don't know enough to guess them, but it may be along the lines of feelings of anxiety, perhaps guilt. She may have been severely repressed or abused as a child. These are things that if you're not aware of already, you must find out. Blaming adult behavior is futile if you don't recognize it as child behavior that's been stuck in a loop over someones life.
Look up Marshall Rosenburg on youtube. He talks about his principle of communication which aims to really improve the quality of relationships by replacing a lot of our language that intends violence, with language that brings out compassion. It's helped a lot in my life, may it help yours.

Omg , it's first time I heart both hate sex , and maintain a long term marriage.

Now i am I bed at a hotel with my wife sleeping at the side...... Without doing sex at all....... Not even in hotel at another city. Not even we both showed , and been walking in the room , almost half naked. She just sit on toilet and play iPad . We were flirting during the day about having sex. But it doesn't seem to be on her agenda. Not a tiny bit, far as I feel it. I am frustrated that I have to be The "active" one all the time, and ask for having sex. Also , I do not feel there are any passion or curiosity from her about this topic. I will follow my heart and do whatever. I could to satisfy my need, which I believe quite natural a need ,same as i wanna drink and eat. It never seems so important to her, and she would never imagine how important that is to me. Soon there will be some actions,I would rather find some hookers or one night stand, than having an affair. Since I believe my heart will still stay, but my body just can not stand it.

Two times this has happened in my marriage. The first time it was when I was pregnant with our son the next time was the months after we had our son but he passed away as a newborn. While I was pregnant my husband would say he was afraid to hurt the baby one time. The next time he was claiming it was because it wasn't "sexy" that I was mad all the time. Mind you I was dealing with his cousins living with us, not helping, not contributing to the household, and we were having financial problems. He was letting all these issues stop us from being intimate. Clearly I would have been happier if we would have been intimate with eachother. Worse yet I caught him ************ with **** countless times.
After our son died he was cool for a while but then he started not having sex with me AGAIN. We talked about trying again so of course we needed to have SEX to do this. I didn't want it to be a chore. I dressed up, lost all the baby weight ( you'd never know I'd been pregnant) and I also taught dance and was in great shape. I bought a sexy outfit and he just looked at me like whatever. I hurt so much still. I had to beg constantly. I never had to beg before and he wasn't my first so at no time did I ever imagine I would have to beg. Again I caught him with the ****, again he said me being "mad" all the time wasnt sexy (and this time I wasn't I was trying to stay strong in the midst of grieving our son) and once he totally openly insulted me.

We are "ok" now. Why? We are in an unintended seperation. We relocated back to the States after living abroad for a year and a half. I'm also pregnant. So I live at my parents home and he with his mom until we can get a place together. He probably still watches **** but I think he figured out real live p ($$7 is way better than vids. I worry about how things will be when we move back in together. We've been married for 7 years and sex wasn't the only issue but probably the most significant problem.

Bytw like another poster said I'm a beautiful lady. Im 32 but look like 26. I workout eat right no drinking etc. I know im beautiful because people tell me this all the time. He USED to. I've heard crude comments before about men not wanting their wives due to ahem no longer being a "tight" fit. I know this is not the case with me. One word: kegels. Whatever is going on with him has nothing to do with me. I think its because he never learned to be a romantic passionate lover.

Sorry. Look, the only way to cope is to get your dignity back. Stop begging. This will not improve your marriage, but will improve your self esteem. Then sit down and figure out your options. There aren't many, believe me. Then figure out what you are willing to pay in order to have a chance at being happy before you die. Is it worth your marriage as it stands now? If it is, then make a plan. What kind of plan, you ask? Read more of the stories on this site, or more importantly, the responses. Incredibly helpful and supportive. You will find several plans with different goals, one of which will probably fit your ability/willingness to pay whatever price is involved in said plan.

Has she fallen asleep while in the act yet? That's where I was, not once, not twice, but yes ladies and gentlemen, an unbelievable 5 separate times of his wife making him beg for sex and then falling asleep while doing it before this gentleman had his WTF moment. I should be on Jerry Springer for the STUPIDEST doormat to ever grace my wife's front porch.

This totally me, this is sucks..

RE: powerful2012
" im begging like a f----ing dog"

At least you are a guy. Imagine a woman begging? :( Yep, I begged. Disgusting and humiliating. I hated myself for that. And you should see what I look like (I mean I understand if I was an ugly *****, or something). I am so unbelievably happy that I made him leave! I can't keep going with a humiliation like that. Before I got married, I've never been refused sex once in my life. And then came the hubby.

"At least you are a guy. Imagine a woman begging?"

This is disgusting. You are saying it's beneath a woman's dignity, but not a man's.

My sex life with my wife has never been great. We have been together since high school and a 2 year split before we got married. Sex is the same every time and place. (the bed room). I tell her she is pretty all the time and flirt constantly. I ask my wife about fantancys and what turns her on,,she HAS NEVER GIVEN ME AN ANSWER. On a daily basis I work, do laundry, make the bed, make dinner, help clean up after, vacuum, bring the kids back and forth from practices, to try to make her life easier. I have given up a lot to give her the life she wants, and I can't seem to get a few joys I like in life. When I tell my wife she is pretty and flirt with her, I am sincere....I love my wife....but to be honest, I am about done. By the way I'm not asking to have sex 5 times a week, im thinking 1 to 2 times a week with a little quality loving one of those times

brianw, I hear you man... and now that I've finished reading the "Sex-Starved Marriage" book, I highly... highly... recommend it. I would give a copy to all married friends, if they wouldn't find it weird.

It really clarifies the situation from both sides and helps lift a lot of that toxic resentment that builds up in this kind of situation. My wife and I are still working on it, but even now -- before I've worked up the nerve to have the "conversation" with her (as recommended in the book, and well outlined) -- we're already starting to chip away at what was a trend of awkward and despondent physical relations (or non-relations).

Are we at weekly sex yet? No. But we've had some passionate sex since, plus she's snuggled up to me a couple times and has generally seemed both closer and a little happier. I can only imagine that's because I'm figuring out how to get past some of that tension we've had for so long.

If it keeps going, I've got high hopes for how well we'll end up. And it really is transformational, to find our way back like this. Not just because I want "sex" so to speak, but because I feel the connection with her that's been so threatened these last many years. I feel loved and no doubt act more loving, and more confident in everything else too.

And again, we're just getting started.

Do get the book... I think you'll find it at least a huge relief to here someone understands what you're feeling and thinking. And it might just be transformational. Good luck!

I would write a longer response, but the echo in this chamber is resounding enough. As I write, my wife is in bed beside me and asleep.

Our sex life is as pathetic as any mentioned here and it causes me GREAT sorrow... yet, as you all say, she's unwilling to acknowledge or accept that. But it's not so simple as saying it's her fault and I know that.

What's more, it's not so simple as declaring love dead... because I do love her and our kids. Likewise, she loves me (or at least I think she does... without the touch I expected from this relationship, going into it, I'm never sure anymore).

Anyway, I hope to find a "fix" before it's too late, whatever that might mean. But I thought I might mention one that's lately brought me at least a little comfort. It's a book called "The Sex-Starved Marriage" by M.W. Davis.

Read it if you're the guy, the girl, the higher sexed, or the lower sexed person. It appears to cover every base and offer solutions no matter where you land in responsibility for the problem.

Best of luck to everyone. It's terrible, this, I know.

DUDE.... I'm 26, shes 24, we've been dating 3 years... in the beggining she would give me road#*@l) whenever i asked(she told me this), do whatever we wanted ANYWHERE, and now ..... well... you describe it perfectly, its this agonizing thought that follows me around alllllllllllll day everywhere, its messing up my work life, my home life, my responsibilities, etc.
I dare not cheat, I love her too much. Like you said, we have the PERFECT relationship, unlike many others, but zero sex life whatsoever. She doesn't seemed bothered by it at all.... where as I would do anything just for her to touch me that way once more. The one thing I can say here for a fact, is this: YOU are NOT alone my friend. Your post gives me inspiration to try harder, and be more creative!

OMG this is me exactly... wow... same age too...

hey this is no bull and some of u hit right on head we started off 5 6 time out the day now im begging like a f----ing dog,and she sitting around like it nothing go bed every nite thing it might happen man got movie of her but that dont even do nothing any more you work hard and to put up whit this s--h is unreal the fishies are bitting

Im a wife with a kid... Me n my husband have the same point of view.. We hate sex n did it 2-3 times a year...we r happily married for almost 8 years n life without sex will b just fine for both of us.

That's what your husband says anyways. I could be wrong, but If my girlfriend asked if zero sex was ruining our relationship, I might struggle to say "yes". BUT.... I know a lot of guys who say that its fine, all the time, then we chat about how much it kills us later. Speak to him again and see if thats his true opinion. I may be 100% wrong here, as I am not there with you guys, and havent seen/heard the things you have

You got kids to raise.... I'm afraid you're stuck :(

I know exactly what you mean. While reading this, I thought this was a written by me. I am in the same situation and living life like this sucks. At least you get it when you ask for it, I can drop all kinds of hints and she still just brushes it off. Honestly, I think it's gonna get to the point where I have to get my needs fulfilled elsewhere.

IMHO, if you have tried everything, over an extended period of time, talked it all over with your spouse and told them how you feel being rejected over and over, its unlikely that this person will ever change. So you have a few choices. 1. Divorce now. 2. Divorce when you think your children will not be damaged significantly. 3. Suck it up and just live with it. But don't kid yourself. An asexual spouse who knows their rejection hurts doesn't love you. You are being used. If you're going to stay, live your life your way and if it angers them, then tough. But as someone else suggested, quit asking for sex, quit hugging, cuddling, complimenting etc. Again. You are being used, not loved.

This is so common that it is obviously some type of natural pattern that happens with women. There is likely a natural time limit on the sexual attraction a women has for a man that allows for reproduction and raising of the children....7 year itch? In most of our evolutionary history I think 5-7 years would be enough time to raise a few kids to the age they could integrate autonomously into the village where they would then be looked after by the whole community/tribe. After this period there is likely programming in the women that makes her sexually non receptive / attracted to her former mate (no matter how many rose pedals he lays down at a motel... conversely the guy your wife is currently having an affair with on the copy machine never spent a dime on her....she just wants diverse *****!) as it is better for her to diversify her genetic legacy if she can. There is no such thing as sexual monogamy in any other species.....period!. <br />
For men we are programmed to have sex as much as we can, quantity of quality...endless *****. In fact ***** are designed to compete inside a women and the male penis is designed remove other mens *****. These are things that have developed over millions of years and are indicators of how we really suppose to live as Human beings. <br />
For Men the idea that you get married (genetically insignificant recent Human social economic construct ) and don't spread your seed beyond one women just means that you are a weak man or now that unhealthy human social economic forces dominant our nature that you can not afford to. Divorce laws strongly penilize<-pun intended men if they are the primary income provider and are basically designed to keep women and kids off public assistance by forcing you to stay in a relationship that has naturally expired. <br />
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I think we may be wise to look at different ways of living as a society....these are symptoms of a sick society more then individual couple problems that are result of the guy not changing a diaper or doing the dishes. We need to evolve social economic / religious human control structures to allow us to be more human. Modern Example: I love my wife and our family but if I could go have meaningless sex with no financial or other attachments once in a while (look to the way Italian or French men live) I would be much more content holding together a family life with my wife for the sake of the kids, even though she has little interest in sex with least until the kids are on there own (to bad it takes 18 years in our society instead of 7). I think it is different for women....I don't think a monthly get out of jail free card would work as well for them as they are more looking for a different mate not just sex. However if she was discreet, does not make a fool of her man and treats him well otherwise....including putting out with gusto every once in while (for something so important to men is it really that much to ask? Stop being so selfish) ....I would not really care.

Oh stop it. You don't need to justify people's selfish behavior with ad-hoc evolutionary fairy tales. People are just selfish. No "village tales" required.

I feel for you guys. My marriage has not been sexually ideal but we've managed to keep it going at least at pretty much once a week deal for most of our years. Its still fun, and she enjoys also, even after 36 years. Here's a couple of suggestions. Many women get bored and you need to spice things up, not being your predicable self.<br />
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Take her on a romantic vacation to a sexy place. Try a Nudist resort, or a romantic seaside resort that's very private or where there are topless women around, or just a lot of great bodies.<br />
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Don't be a wimp, like begging for it, doing whatever to keep her happy. Women like a challenge. Try taking the check book or credit cards away. Tell her no when it comes to something she wants. <br />
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Take up some hobbies, like golf or a bowling league or something. Have some fun and enjoy your life. If she doesn't want to find time for you, find other ways to have fun. It lets her know you don't need her to enjoy your life. Quit chasing her. Don't hug kiss or anything.<br />
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Finally, if your in a sexless relationship and she's refusing, dump her. Even in the Bible, God does not expect people to stay in a sexless marriage. Sex is part of the deal in marriage. And if she's bad, let her know.

"Don't be a wimp, like begging for it, doing whatever to keep her happy. Women like a challenge. Try taking the check book or credit cards away. Tell her no when it comes to something she wants"

So your ok with the fact your wife doesn't wanna have sex with you unless you pay her ? and buy her what she wants with your creditcards? LOL really? If my wife would only have sex with me if i allowed her to use the credit cards i would be loooong gone! Cuz sticking around would be being a wimp!!!

Look, my wife had an uncertain childhood (always worried bout what would happen next). She figured i would bring structure (a falsehood; no one brings that). <br />
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My sex life is a representation of what she wants; a boring, predictable, series of events. She likes it, but i would **** anything that desired a sexual experience that exceeded the most boring sex in the world. I want a woman that wants to try new things. I mever get it

I'm there. Sex w/7yr wife is boring. Only likes and thinks sex is a mechanical act and she can derive no more pleasure from it than she received from her first lover. She has no desire to explore because she has no imagination. She thinks being used is the only sex. What turns me on is a woman who wants from me what i want from her; variety! I never get it! She wants routine while i want anything but!

I think sometimes it's the little things that turn women on the most. You may just need some new tricks in your foreplay. I don't know what you normally do, but try giving her an oil massage, suck on her toes, rub/scratch her in abnormal places, tickle her, lick& suck on her ears... try new things like that to get her in the mood, do you eat her out? Maybe she wants to be spanked. It's kind of hard for some women to tell a man she wants kinky things. Tell her that while it's great to have her agree to sex, that you want to make her happy with it. <br />
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If that's not working out, maybe she feels over-worked? Have you tried doing all the chores for her one day? I think the biggest turn on for a mother would be having all the chores done, a babysitter called, and to be whisked off to a romantic restaurant and a rose petal and candle lit hotel room maybe with some chocolate covered strawberries and champagne. You're going to know what she likes better than I do, but take out all the stops and show her how important her happiness is to you by fulfilling her every NON sexual dream, before you fulfill the sexual ones. (If you don't really know what she'd want because it rarely comes up or her tastes have changed, see what kinds of books she reads/movies she watches, and take from any romantic parts in that)<br />
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The third thing you might try is role playing. Have her and you both dress up for a club. Let her sit at the bar in her sexy clothes, watch her from across the room and buy her some drinks. Come up and introduce yourself by some crazy sexy name, have her ready with her own. Tell her how much you want to taste her body, and whisper into her ear that her legs are driving you wild. Let the night play out as two strangers, drive her home and explore these new personalities in bed. Do some position she doesn't normally see from you, be more forceful than you normally are, and see what you can get her to do.

This is exacly the same situation I'm going through. Now its so bad even the sex I get is boring and unfulfilling. It's just bc she has too. Who wants that. I'm so interested in other women and they r interested me. I can get numbers from girls easier than ever. Ive been married for over 13 years and still love her. I have no idea what to do.

This is life. Sex is different for women. They don't need it because all they ever had to do was stand still, and they were always surrounded by stiff ****. Women get married because they are tired of getting penetrated by guys who just want sex. Well guess what ladies, that is the main reason why you get that man to marry you in the first place!<br />
We already have "friends". The truth is, men are slaves for the vagina, and you have 3 choices in marriage: 1)Cheat with condoms, 2)Get divorced and stay single, <br />
or 3)Continue to ********** and keep your favorite pornstars close...

I've been married for 3 years. We were mormon before we got married, so we never had sex due to religious rules. My sex life is terrible. She never wants it and seems to have no interest in me sexually. I couldn't see it coming before we got married, but she was always very horny. Sheesh. I don't know how long I can take a sexless marriage.

I hear every1, my sex-life is also bad i have 2 ask for it then she doesn't start it at all. She is very robotic, I hope it cahnges very soon she is a wonderful woman and i dnt want us 2 end over something so silly but im very active and I dnt want 2 look in other places for just that. It's very fustrating she says that's all i talk abt, and honestly im sick of talkin abt it 2 her, I just hope she realizes that it is pushing me further away. WHAT TO DO!!!!?

Sex and love are different things for man, in my opinion. You have sex with someone, doesn't mean you love her. But if you love someone, you will normally want to have sex with her. So, like you will drink while you feel thirsty, go find some sex partner that can satisfy your needs. At the same time save your love to your family.

I wish there were more answers on this thread. I don't even know why I'm typing, everyone has already said everything. Too many people putting up with mediocrity.<br />
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Sex is the ONLY reason males and females get together in the first place. The pleasure of sex is the hormonal hardwiring given to us to ensure procreation. Without it, every species would become extinct. Think about it!<br />
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So it boggles my mind when people minimize sex and sexuality. Cleaning the house is not more important. Work is not more important. Even children are not more important. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, your carnal roots MUST NOT BE NEGLECTED.<br />
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Best of luck to everyone trying to salvage their sexless marriage. Just remember, in life all we truly "have" is ourselves, so be sure to make yourself a priority, and don't let anyone crush your spirit

1.) Cheating is not your answer. you will humilate and break your wife and cause strain in your family.Your "friend" should know better and have better respect then to be involved with a married man. <br />
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2.) The problem is not with your wife but with you. you mentioned that you are her first. Just because you are willing and free doesnt mean in all the years you have been with her that you ever accomplished the deed properly.<br />
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3.) DO NOT ASK. Your wife is not a call girl. she should not be demanded for sex just because your penis wants attention. She is a person have some feelings. and put her needs before your own.Just because you are willing to give her everything she needs seuxally doesnt mean you have really paid attention to what SHE WANTS AND NEEDS FROM YOU. Stop thinking witht he wrong brain ( if you know what I mean)<br />
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My advice to you is to start "dating" you need to re light your fire or light it for the first time. <br />
In personal experience being the female side of your complaint. Your wife is probably bored. You may not have found a way to sexually arouse her. ( you maybe thinking that you do because she "finishes") but that is the ending your problem is the begining.<br />
If you cannot find a way to sexualy arouse your wife to make her WANT YOU then your are doomed. <br />
I would go more into detail but that would bring out personal things i rather not share.<br />
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I maybe younger and unmarried but I understant this subject well. If need advice I got tons. But advice can only be properlly given if all facts are known.

Bottom line is quid pro quo, I don't get what I want then she doesn't get what she wants. If I don't get sex and she wants to go to a friends dinner party - it's sorry "no". Marriage is about compromise - not a one way street. I'm nice about it, but I won't budge. EIther we meet each others needs or we don't.

My wife of thirty years now will make me beg for days and when she agrees she charges me just like a ***** would ,I pay my own wife for sex .I think we all pay in one way or another ,she has no set price ,she will take what she needs as payment for sex .Aguy has to do what a guy has to do .It is not great sex usually the same position and same routine evertime .

Geez, my life just past before my eyes reading these posts.<br />
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Best advice? Act, don't react.

The guys and girls on here who are all getting none should help each other out!! <br />
My advice, for what it's worth: sit your partner down, give them some home truths. Ask what they expect you to do or what they want from you. <br />
Try sending an email and getting your partner to reply by email with their concerns and responses about your concerns. I tried this with my wife and although she is too self-involved for it to work, it may work with others. <br />
I'll be buying some self-help books on Amazon (e.g. 'how to be the almost perfect wife / husband') - ba<x>sed on the reviews these really help you or your partner see the other side's perspective.<br />
Cheating is not an option for me as it's not for many people on here. I have to keep my marriage together for the sake of our daughter, plus I can't afford to get divorced! My wife asks if I want someone else - I don't, I just want her like she used to be.

God I felt like I was reading my own story get in touch maybe we can help each other

Give her the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" Dr. Laura Schlessinger. IT's AMAZING! It's not really related to sex in perse, but it does give a women, especially a wife, a hearty dose of reality. It teaches women to stop blubbering and whining about everything, stand up and be women; have sex with their man, share their love and stop being little girls. If I were you, send it anonymously or have a friend mention it or something. I am a woman, this book has changed my life and the lives of many women I know.

I've been married for 15 years. My wife is a great lover, but sometimes during the marriage, we've gotten into a lull and she's lost interest. Every time that happens -- even if it's only 10 days since we last had sex, I try to do something completely different and totally take charge -- e.g., I come back from work after the kids are off to school, and I surprise her and take her clothes off in the kitchen. Whatever it is, I try to be very assertive, letting her know that I deeply desire her. That approach has always re-ignited things for us.

Have the same issue and we are a 30 plus year couple...It does not get better with time so I say GET the HELL out of there ASAP. My mistake was hoping things would change...WOMEN that do not enjoy sex will NEVER enjoy sex....You can jurk off for the next 15 years as I have or GET THE HELL out as I wish I had and plan to once some drama issue are behind me...


Wow,<br />
I don't feel so alone at this moment.<br />
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For me sex is a result of something else. In our world today I feel like an oddball for thinking this way.<br />
I never really looked for sex for sex's sake. <br />
I have been married for 31 years have five great kids.<br />
They keep me going, I do my best for them. <br />
But dang it sure does get lonely.....

Been married for 20 years. She was a virgin when we wed. It took three days for us to consummate and it has been difficult ever since, constant challenge and begging for sex. I have tried to tell her and teach her what I want, which is not kinky at all. But she is as dispassionate as can be. I'm lucky we got two kids out of the marriage. She has never really been interested in sex and yet she argues she's a good lover! She's good at getting what she wants after 2 minutes but not showing any interest in me. We have sex maybe 6 times per year and I get so frustrated I give up on my own satisfaction after she is done every time, find ways to take care of myself later. Can't even stay interested because she just lays there. After our 20th (sexless) anniversary celebration that I spent thousands of dollars on I just gave up. I've found a woman on an affair site and the sex is all I wanted with my wife, but I don't know how much longer we can do this because we're getting feelings for each other. Life sucks. Just 'try before you buy' is all I can say...

You guys just need to accept reality. My wife who by the way is mid 20's is already putting me into that boat. She has gotten fat and does nothing other than sleep and eat junk when she is home. My solution was to be a USMC officer, they have plenty of things for me to do. Only downside is that I have gotten into football shape and size which makes me want it more and when we go out girls stare at me and make little comments like "how is he with her?" Those comments drive me insane but like I said ther is just no time for sex now as I am pretty busy.

Semper Fi Marine, I feel ya!

Women love new things and surprises in life. They all get bored with routine. You can change things up in the bedroom and that might help for a while.Then that too will grow old for her. Even driving a ferrari gets old over time, I dont care how good you are in the bedroom, over time you will become sexually obsolete to her. Take ger on a date, get some drinks, then stop at a swingers club and swap women. Dont get mad when she **** like never before, its just the excitement of some new **** that she has been dying to get her hands on.Good luck. (MARRIAGE=DEAD *****)

When i first married my wife she used to say if you don't take care of your man someone else will. apparently she forgot all about that. I have tried all the nice ****. i mean went to town on girl stuff over and over, i kissed caressedd massaged was nice in all of those catigories. All of it to no avail. i mean i have tried everything nothing matters to her. it's like she doesn't care. i personally have had enough. i work i spend time w/ kids i'm a good man. i do everything i should and here i sit w/o a wife who cares. what the hell am i doing wrond>? the answer is nothing. move on? get mistress>? this is hard for me i'm a god fearing man. divorce>? i have no idea what to do. i love my kids how would they feel if dad wasn't thier>? i've talked to my wife i've tried i'm desperatel when is enough enough>? never>??? idk>? help.

I'm on the same boat guys. My fiancee an I have been together for 3 years. The sex was good. No it sucks. I don't know how many time I've spoken to her about this and I don't know how many time we fought about it. She now says no straight to my face. I'm starving. I love her to bits and I don't wanna break up with her. I'm fed up and I've made up my mind that I'm getting some outside. There's a fine lady that I work with that seems to be interested in me. I'm starving and I'm going for her. I need sex, my woman won't provide, now I'm going outside.

I know what....itsnotwhatitseems means. People on here think that once a month is some sort of abstinance. ?? I have been married 35 years. The last 24 have been virtually sexless. It went from once every few months to once every year to Zip. I think we have had sex maybe 4 times in 20 years. Its funny how we can adapt to things. My wife is my best friend. We hug and cuddle and that seems enough for her. I am really hurting but dont want to turn that against her. I just try to get on with my life in a depressed state. <br />
We love each other so I guess this is how it will remain. It really really sucks.

I'm in the same boat buddy. Our sex department is non existent. We haven't had sex in the past 9 months. I tried to initiate once two months ago (for a hug) and she even refused that! Since then I've sealed the intimacy thing.<br />
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I've thought of those quick affairs but the guilt thing keeps me away. I empathize with you.

I 100% know the feeling! however the shoe is on the other foot. I am a 28 yr old female that has been with my boyfriend for over 5 yrs and its the same with life SUCKS!!!!! You guys are complaining about getting it once a month or every few weeks...ha! that would be a good month for me. Its so hard cause I do love him and the relationship is good but he never gives it up! never! I have to beg I KNOW he is not cheating and I'm pretty i don't understand...he has nothing wrong with him he's not abnormal in any way so what's up with that?I tell you just be thankful your a man cause it hurts so much more when your a female especially since "normally" its the female that holds out and im thinking ...what am I doing wrong? Too embarresed to tell anyone

After being married to a devout Caholic who had the passion of a cadavor, I wound up in a short but sexually intense affair (we lived next to each other). We went through tough divorces and married. We have been married for 10 years now.<br />
My newwife beat me up on our honeymoon because in a fight I called her fat. She beat me on at least four other ocasions. I have a son and she has a son and daughter who has witnessed the most crazed behavior from her. I have hung in because I didn't want to break up the situation again for the kids, and lets be honest, the great sex.<br />
Now she has stoped sleeping with me and having sex going on four months. She is very mean to me. I can not have a healthy disagreement and have it resolve to anything because she will just go to another room and lock the door (10 years of this ****).<br />
I don't think I really loved her in the first place, I loved the intense sex. This sucks much worst then my first marriage, I need to love and be loved (is great sex too much to ask as well?).<br />
I don't know what the hell to do, I am taking matters into my own hands way to much (if you know what I mean) as well as thinking about finding a companion on the side.<br />

Mine's pretty much sexless. I want it. We were great in the beginning and then I noticed I was doing all the work. It wasn't work at first, but then it became like work because I am the one doing all the touching. We have *******, but I do it - double ************. Now I am loosing my own sex drive and am becoming resentful. When I ignore my partner I get the you don't pay attention to me card. I feel rejected. Even when we (I) do have sex I feel rejected. I want to be touched damn it! I have tried to communicate. I am a good communicator. My partner just does not communicate. I love my partner. I think we all love our partners and that is why we are here on the internet trying to find a solution. I want to find a way. I Thought of breaking up. Just love about her. I will keep trying and asking, making a fuss, expressing my feelings, like I have done all along and I will take the consequences as long as I can...and I will do all of that because I love her. The worst thing that can happen is we break up...seems like that would happen eventually anyway so I figure I will go out trying. Good luck to everyone...Love is not super glue, it's not perfect, it's not easy...

For fear of being the unpopular viewpoint, I think it would be best to end the marriage. I do not understand why you would be okay with her experiencing sex with someone outside of your marriage. I understand that you are concerned that she has not had much experience but sex is sex. Anyway, I do not understand why we stay in these hurtful relationships that diminish self esteem and self worth. I really think that moving beyond the relationship is what is needed but I know I am afraid to do so do to my children. There are so many excuses offered as to why a marriage is not ended. Is it really okay to suffer through an unfulfilling marriage for the sake of your children? I am not certain of the correct answer but I know that I would not want my children to go through what I have. I think that says enough in itself.

Well, at least it is comforting to know that I am not the only "frustrated" one out there. My story is a bit different: my husband and I have been together for four years. He ROCKS my world, when he's feeling up to it, which he isn't feeling up to it much these days. He has Multiple Sclerosis... newly diagnosed. With MS, fatigue is a common symptom. I think that there is so much to consider when sex isn't happening. Do you have young children? If so, I'm sure that it takes all the time, energy and focus you two have just to get through the day. <br />
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During my most "frustrating" times, I find myself fantasizing about a buddy I have that would be more than willing to "help me out" but then I think of my husband and how we have been through so much together and how my marriage is so much more than sex (or non-sex in my case). He is my "thick-n-thin" partner--we are on this journey called life together.... and I signed up for life. <br />
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From what I can tell based on your comment, you do not want to jeopardize your marriage, your family. If your wife is like most women, she craves companionship, she craves your presence (physically, emotionally) and she desires to know how significant she is to you. When a woman feels secure, cherished, and let's face, well rested, she is more open to sex. <br />
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I wish both you and your wife the best of luck. You both deserve the marriage of your dreams.

wow! its easier for a man to us a professional than it is for a<br />
its different when its the hubby thats the refuser! i wouldn't even know where to look for a professional male... are they listed in the phone book? lol if they are what are they under? (stud service)...lmao!!<br />
i just wished that my hubby would wake up and smell the roses and the coffee...<br />
anyway... has your wife told you why she doesn't like sex anymore? how old are you and your wife?<br />
i'm 42 and my hubby is 38... <br />
best of luck to you...

I am a woman who desires intimacy and sex in my life and my husband just doesn't have the drive. AND if he does, it's usually because he's stressed and needs control and he turns to ****... what to do, I've cried about it for 12 years now. We sometimes go months before I beg and cry and finally we do it and sometimes he'll get to a point where he'll ask for it two or three times in a row. <br />
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I've actually had two or three married men ask for sex or an affair, I can't do it, even though I'm so tempted and actually I find myself developing crushes and having visions of me and my crush actually getting together and possibly even marrying. <br />
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But, I love my husband, he's difficult to deal with sometimes, but I love him. Don't know what to do, I guess I've just resigned myself to living with it, we have two young children.

women probably feel timid or shy enough to ask or initiate having sex with their husbands for being inactive for quite some time. I noticed that women, after giving birth, loses interest of having sex because of hormonal (?) issues. This may not be the issue in general, but once a woman gives birth, the focus is more on raising the child and perhaps doing houseworks.. not to mention dealing with her emotions which is what they are most likely known for.

I relate so totally to your story. When I met my husband we had sex all the time and it was hot and heavy and I still like sex 3-4 times a week, problem is is that he has become dull and boring. He is unwilling to try new things & to say I am bored would be an understatement. Its not just men out there who are sexualy liberated these days, women like their sex too and I understand how you feel about not wanting to go out there and cheat because I am in the same boat. My women friends have suggested that I use a vibrator--but a MAN will alway be the real deal for me and a vibrator can get "real old real fast!<br />
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I wish you the best.

Ive been married for 5 years. Same thing. I have stopped asking for a long time now and these days I get "But you are not interested, so why should I do any effort?".<br />
So that does not work.<br />
The rest of the marriage also has problems. Dual standards from her side. So divorce is on the cards for me. But I came from a divorced house and I do not want it for my kids, but what else? She refuses therapy. Says that is for other people. She does not talk about sex. Makes her uncomfortable. So I am stuck. <br />
My answer. Use professionals, make as if the rest does not matter and stay as long as you can. I am going to give that a try.

I just joined, after getting frustrated with my sexless marriage. I read an article that lead me to this site. your experience is similar to mine tho I am a week into jordansmommy's suggestion by chance this was what i started as a last resort b/c i too am sick of feeling ghuilty about asking for sex - we average 4 times a year for the last 5 yrs - one a year is both of us the other ones are like yours, tho robotic assumes some movement - this is my last roll of the dice after 10 yrs of 'dealing with it' as it gradually got worse. I always read it coz she'd tired, doing all the house work etc, but its not I have tested that theory - it doesnt matter how many flowers you buy how much hwork you do it doesn't change. I have no advice other than to say thanks for sharing your story it prompted me to share mine

I am in the same boat as you guys. I love my wife since i met her 14 years ago. We have been married for 13, and life with her has been fantastic, except in the sex department. At first it was great, we do about everything that is and is not in the book. The problem started later, after my kids where born (When she was pregnant, sex was even greater). If I am lucky, We have sex once a week, and she does not sucks, kiss, or do anything interesting, just vaginal penetration. I want more, but she is stubborn as a mule. I ask her if she doesnot love me anymore and she saids that she does, but she does not want to have sex. I think is hormonal, but she does not wanto to take hormones. I do not want a divorce, but I do not know what to do. Any help will be appreciated.

I think I know what your talking about...but from the other side, your wifes side. In my marriage I am the one who doesnt want sex even though it is great when we do have it. I dont understand what is going on and your wife might not either. I think you guys might want to consider a sex therapist, I cant convince my husband to go.

I KNOW the feeling well, including the second-guessing of your judgement because you knew this was an issue before you got married.<br />
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What you havent mentioned is what degree of closeness you have outside the sex life. Does she take an interest in you, your work and your day? Do you enjoy doing fun things together (my wife enjoys doing house projects, but I dont count them anymore)? I find I need this closeness more regularly than sex. <br />
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When Mateo said "use professionals" I thought he was talking about therapy! But I realize I was wrong! :-) Still counselling is an option. It may not solve your problem (it didnt solve mine and I havent seen any stories on this board where it has, anyway), but it may help you understand things a bit better. You can start by going yourself and let her know after a few sessions. Her curiosity may make her more open to going with you and feeling comfortable sharing what she is feeling. Even if it doesnt change things, it is a safer place to have the difficult conversations -- even the ones that describe the robotic nature of things now and particularly one that would involve seeking permission to go outside the marriage. If you have that latter conversation (inside our outside therapy), I'd be interested in how that goes!

you can see my recent post...I'm just a few years further along. You can try JordansMommy's advice and just ignore her for a month or so but that didn't work in my world. My wife sounds very similar to yours. <br />
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So your options are:<br />
a) deal with it. Maybe you can try some innovative things since she's willing to have sex when you want it. Get out of the routine and maybe it will help.<br />
b) get obviously have issues with that (as do I) but it's an option.<br />
c) Use professionals - it's expensive and you have no intimacy and you need to wear condoms... and since you have no intimacy it won't address the core problem.<br />
d) have an affair - stick with other married people and be honest with them about your situation. You'll see posts here about the women who have guys lie to them and it's way to destructive. Single women are looking for a relationship and if getting divoced isn't an option then you'll just lead them on. I'd get your wife's permission- if only so you have the moral high ground if she finds out later.

There really is no relief if you choose to stay with her and stay faithful to her. Do you love her otherwise and have a good relationship in areas besides sex? Good enough to live without sex? One good thing is that you get it when you ask. It is unbelievably humiliating to be flat out turned down constantly. Constantly! So if you want to stay with her and love her, just try your best to disregard the fact that she isn't into the sex that you're having...and consider it to be like owning a very life-like blow-up doll. Otherwise, though it seems painful, I'm beginning to think it might just be best for us all to divorce if we cannot manage a sexless life. I am quickly reaching that point, and it's tough...I have three kids and don't want to shake their world. Kids are resilient, though, and love and support is more important for them than a "perfect" mommy/daddy household. Best wishes.

My best advice as a women, is dont try stop asking, show her no attention what so ever. Me and my husband have only been together a few years, but after i had my son thats all we did was fight about sex, i just wasnt feeling it, and when he stoped trying i got interested, it took about a month for me to realize he hadnt even tried, and it hurt my feelings really bad, so i got a taste of my own medicine.... i can swear it will work 17 yrs is along time but you can at least try, even when you come home from work, do you first then ask her how her day went...

I ll try this