Not Even Touching For 2 Years

Back when I thought I could still stay married, I decided to have a sexual affair. I thought if I could just get my sexual needs met, that I could keep my marriage. I chose a vague friend who used to be a co-worker. It helped, but in order to keep helping I would have had to keep having the affair. In the end, I couldn't wrap my head around that, giving it any sort of legitimacy.

Im heading into the 4th year now without any touching, intimacy or sex, i sleep in a separate bed now. It got so desperate for me i was even trying to touch her in my sleep to be woken up with the words" will you just keep your hands to yourself " so now in the spare room i do.

You could have been describing my marriage, which is why I left. It is how I felt exactly.

I know that divorce is hard and should be avoided if it can be. But there are times when it just can't be saved. People shouldn't beat themselves up when they make the decision to enjoy their life. Good for you. Now you can find someone that will appreciate you and show you the love you deserve. I think that there are people that don't believe that their are women that, after they marry, think they don't ever have to try to do anything to make their husband proud and happy to come home to them. There is a woman out there to love you. I hope you find all the happiness that everyone of us deserves.

I am new here but was drawn to your story. I am a female and have been single for about 16 years. I was married twice. I gave up on relationships while I raised my children. Well they are finally grown. About a year and half ago, I came into contact online with a man that I had been very good friends with in school. It had never gotten to the romantic stage back then. We both liked each other, I think, but was "scared" of each other. Any way he moved away after school and we lost complete touch. When we found each other again, he began to tell me that he wasn't happy in his marriage. That she wanted nothing to do with him. They basically lead seperate lives. But he won't get a divorce...I don't understand that and I wanted to ask you what makes you stay? There is someone out there that could make you feel wanted and happy. Why wouldn't you want to find that? I notice that this was a while ago that you posted this. Are things better? It takes two people to want things to get better. I don't want to be the one to push divorce. I know better than a lot of people how hard that is. But when there is no more hope, I feel it's the only thing. Otherwise you will be bitter and unhappy for the rest of your life. I wish I could show this man that I am talking about, that he deserves to be happy. Sometimes people really do fall completely out of love. I don't agree on divorce as the only solution, but sometimes it has to come to that. Even the bible says that you should lift up your spouse and love them. Take care of each others needs. It should be something that brings a couple closer together. And people that with hold affection are just cruel. It feels like a form of abuse. Just my opinion.

You need to talk to your wife and find out what wrong!! If you married her, obviously you did so because you loved her and adored her. Just get to the bottom of this deep issue, that way you can square things up, rekindle the old sparks, get the intimacy pumping and BOMB! You and her are inseparable!

Hi...this is a very late reply..no idea if you are even still here. I started with "innocent flirting"...with a guy I had much in common with (I even strategically overheard a comment he made to a mutual friend that revealed his ILIASM status!)...we talked for a couple of hours that one night, then met a few times (different state)...we have chatted and chatted and seen each other a few times since (again, distance)...but we still talk..it's been a year. It was a no-brainer for both of us..we were both hungry...and it was easy for me b/c he was not some icky stranger...I mean I'd just met him but it was classic "boy next door" type situation...totally trusted him. I'm still in my marriage. HE's still in his. We talk. That's all that's left. Guess we're both too chicken. :( Idiot me fell in love :( Can only speak for myself..but he does cling to me and panics if I don't respond for a couple of weeks.....neither of us is a spring chicken. I'm sure it will never come to anything more, but it helps me realize that I must get out of this miserable non-marriage that I am in :( I"ve made my life MORE complicated...but this friend in my life...has been a joy to me....and I truly love him....told him I want him in my life in whatever form, already knowing it means just really good friends.

Well, first of all, I wonder why you are discussing this here? Most sexual matters are reflective of deeper issues. Have you attempted to find out what your wife thinks and why she does not want sex or touching of any kind? Was she molested as a child(as sometimes it makes a woman frosty later on), does she have an illness, do you turn her off as in bad odors or something? Is she communicating with you at all? In some cultures women have endured painful circumcision and are in absolute agony during intercourse.There are medical conditions that also can cause this. I'd find out what is the case, or if she is angry over something. Is it something you two might work out? Witholding sex is about the only power some women have and they generally use it when they are upset.

Then should there be irreconciable differences, or the partner will not try to have therapy, it seems to me that you have few options.Since most humans need some cuddling or human contact once in a while, not having ANY could be bad for your health. In the long run it could be adapted to if the partner is loving, but if they are not, you are just wasting your time and spinning your wheels.

It has been months since you wrote this and I am just going through you stories, but I am taking them as they come and I havent noticed a follow up. My wife and I always enjoyed French kissing, and she told me that I was good at it. Years ago, without an explanation, she stopped French kissing and resisted my tries at it. I had to drag it out of her, but she finally told me that she had developed a wart on her tongue, but that is all she said. Knowing my wife,as this was years into our marriage, I realized that she felt uncomfortable and ashamed to this day, I do not know if she ever had that wart removed. I should have realized that our problems were just beginning.

When the marriage became sexless, we still hugged as she wanted me to hug and comfort her when she needed and wanted it... long story for here, but the gist of it is, though we continued to hug and I should say peck, not kiss, it was all at her pleasure and on her terms.

Soon after the the sex stopped, I noticed that two young women at work were interested in me. I was 46 at the time and they were 33 and 25. I developed a flirty relationship with the 33 year old, but I was afraid of the 25 year old as my youngest was 23 at the time and although both were beautiful and sexy, the younger of them was absolutely drop dead gorgeous!

I didnt wear a wedding ring at that time because I cannot stand the feeling of any kind of jewelry( I only wear simple watch to this day), but I made sure that women especially were aware that I was "happily" or so I believed still, married. at anyrate, my relationship with the 33 year old continued to grow as her boyfriend continued to treat her poorly. I was moved to a nearby office, just a few miles away,and I believe that she became frightened and used that to end our relationship.

I have had one more flirty relationship that I broke off because of my feeling of guilt, and a few one ICQ and email, one with a woman in Toronto who I did not know and one with a woman in CA, whom I hadnt seen in 30 years. For various reasons, each of them ended.

I think that all relationships in our situation start with flirting and will go as far as each flirter will allow them to. I would suggest getting your own house in order before really considering having an affair. Feeling will get hurt and a divorce will get quite messy!

Although affairs can temporarily ease the pain of a life void of intimacy, they certainly don't fix things for you. You fall in love with your lover, or your resentment toward your refusing spouse deepens so that you can no longer even be civil to them. You live in a fog, dreaming of your lover and in some ways become more tortured. On the plus side, you are having some sex. To me (although I know many are completely against affairs for several reasons, some of them valid) the positive thing about an affair is oftentimes it is the catalyst that gives you the strength to pull the trigger and leave the marriage.

yup, if you wish to live happy ever after. .. Turn the page! start a new chapter. it sounds like you need more than raw sex... you need tenderness in your life. no affairs... nasty situations that lead to only heartache. you wanta play in life.... free yourself to do so!

Even though it will not satisfy your sexual needs, for uncomplicated affection and loyalty without consequence . Get a Dog. They love you, wait eagerly for you to get home, curl up beside you when you are sad. and keep your secrets. Just feed them, play with them, clean up after their business is finished , brush and bathe them once in a while and sneak them a treat once in a while. You sexual needs - there is the easy way and the right way. You deserve something good - not complicated.

Hi VJ: Welcome; we're sorry you have to be here.



For interesting perspectives on extramarital activity, read blogs/stories by RobbWarren, ManInFull, Wisiwig, Ein Engel and me (there are others and I apologize if I left some out).



...and yes, your approach set VaguestBaby off. His advice is some of the most insightful you will receive in this group and you will gain much from associating with him, though it may not appear to be so at this moment. I'm not speaking for him here, but many of our members don't take kindly to newbies who suddenly appear and immediately talk overtly about affairs. We're all a little wounded from the lack of affection and some of us are easy marks. So we look out for each other. You'll get no trouble from the regulars as long as you have come to learn and heal rather **** and run.



...and c'mon...you know better than to mess with the neighbor. There are hot boobs waiting to be squeezed everywhere you turn. And stay away from single women, too. That is asking for trouble. Having an affair with another married person is better; you both have a little something to lose if one of you is tempted to to go "off the ranch and make trouble with your spouse. It's like insurance, to have a married lover...

Y:ou, my man have received some exceptional well thought-out advice and have not had to pay a Shrink for any ot it. Pretty much everyone agrees that you need to get the h--- out of Dodge and plan and carry out the end of the fiasco you are in. Do not delay, do whats necessary and bear the $ cost and whatever else is keeping you from happiness. You are under 50 why are you procrastinating???? The affair can be after you are seperated, seeing your grown daughter and parents more and being alive. Next door is too close to affair with, before you file for divorce. Make some new friends, see some old friends, keep busy, time takes care of many to most things if your willing to make the effort. There is life for those who seek it, after bad marriages. Dont waste any more $ on Counseling for you and her. It will be a waste.

if you decide to have an affair do so with someone you care about. If you have meaningless sex it will make you feel used in the long run, not to mention being exposed to all kinds of diseases. Why not leave your wife and start over?

"Sometimes I think about what it was like to have sex, and I can almost physically feel it, and I want to scream with rage. I can't do this much longer"



I can really identify with this. We haven't had sexual touch in almost 2 years either. Hell today she got upset cuz I was trying to talk dirty to her, tell her that I wanted her. I got "we're in public, stop it!"

you didn't say why your staying in the marriage..so i don't have any real information..if your that unhappy..why not leave??



i agree that being that isolated that alone..there is no marriage..so again..why are you staying?



seems to me that is what you should be sorting out, instead of finding some woman to be able to speed dial, to arrange instant sex..how about spending some time and thought and get your life sorted out....and perhaps, you will eventually have more than just sex with the neighbor..or whomever..you just might be able to have a true and loving reltionship with someone..someone that cares about and loves you...

You should consider killing yourself because you're too dumb to live.



The slutty next door neighbor? I have walked your desperate, ruminating walk.



OK, OK I was never as looney as you, and your fey come on here of maybe this, maybe that is drying up pusses straight around the globe.



You're toast, you'd like it all to magically go away with no more pain, but you know it won't.



Consider forming an unhealthy attachment with a lower end escort. The dollar out lay and hassles will be much less any of your other hilariously disasterous efforts, and the sex will be hotter.



And you need hot sex. This **** has driven you insane.

You have not made us privy to the dynamics of your marraige aside from the sexual aspect but if it is as you describe, it is not a marrage at all. You should end completely without seeking an affair. I will assume, for the moment, that there are childrn involved and that is why you consider torturing yoruself and her in this charade.You do not sound able to really seek out a dallaince elsewhere. These must be always must be planned well and executed with as little risk as possible.



Please, understand that affairs are only a momentary respite from a marraige that has soured. They carry risk and require time and effort and seldom result in giving you everything that you require emotionally on a permanent basis



I personally have and continue to use this vehicle to contentment, by necessity, and as my means to an end, since divorce even now for me is unthinkable because of societal and familial responsibilities.



If children are not a part of your equation here and you remain young enough to pursue a new life by all means do so but merely seeking out a dalliance with no plan is ludicrous.



I have empathy for you and hope you can find what you need elsewhere for you do sound very unhappy.

An affair will complicate your life. This marriage is on life support as it is and you need to leave in a dignified manner. Make exit plans and take it one step at a time. You will not be sorry that you left your marriage in this way. Make a clean split and stay respectful. I do understand the heartache of not being touched for years so I am telling you that the sooner you can bring yourself to leave the better. This is a from of abuse and any kind of affection looks good right now but it will not really solve your problem.

Quoting you here - "I know we need to end this torture, but that's another story"



I rather think you are missing the point. The "other story" is THE MAIN STORY to which your story today would rank about 23 places behind.



Focus mate.



Tread your own path.

No touch is just not okay in my book. I feel for ya. I have no advise - you will get lots here. Just keep exploring your choices and your genuine thoughts on the matter and know you are not alone on this horrid journey. ;)

Plan your exit strategy and leave before having an affair--been there, done that and it only complicates matters and could make for a much messier split---you don't want her to have the advantage of YOUR AFFAIR under her belt for her use in divorce court...good luck to you...go get a professional massage

Why try to stop the pain with a Band-Aid? It's not going to work. I agree with the above post by SweetNFeisty, unless there is some insurmountable reason to stay, get your exit plan in gear, and move on. If your reason is “for the kids”, think carefully about the negative lesson you are teaching them about relationships now.



My personal feeling, affairs are wrong, and the neighbor lady, doubly wrong.



They say children do not flourish without touch. It is the same for us. Life is short, don't waste it.

I am not sure why you are not leaving if you hate each other ? Kids, finances? My advice would be if you can leave that would be best. As other people have stated affairs don't always end up in a mess but you have to be willing to accept the consequences if it does. I chose that route. As angeleyes states above it has it's own problems. In one way it made it easier to stay because you have someone to hold you and give you what your missing out of your marriage. On the other hand it shines a big spotlight on everything wrong with your marriage. Makes you want out worse so you can enjoy a real relationship. To do it and not get caught is a lot of thought and work, finding someone you can trust that understands the situation or is in the same situation. That is smart enough not to get busted or get you busted. The hoops you have to jump through to make schedules line up, the planning the lies and than things falling through. When you have a good day or bad day and need that person and you can't be with them. I can tell you single life would be much more satisfying.

I am in an affair with someone I have known for a long time - he was looking for one, I fell into it.



It has been almost 2 years now and it seems to be getting easier. But it has its own set of problems and emotional heartache.



If you dont have kids or they are all grown up then just leave - what are you waiting for?

First of all, you need to do a preliminary exit plan, as Baz will come on and tell you. He'll be right about that.



Second, I will say you really do need to consider an exit. If you are consciously thinking about an affair, just to get a human touch, you need to get out of your 'marriage' so you can do that, honestly and authentically.



I understand the need for human touch. Sometimes, when a friend touches me, or I get my head massaged at the hairdresser's, I realize how much I miss the human touch. And what is the point in staying in a 'marriage' where you can't even get affection and touch, let alone sex and *******?? Really, it make no sense. The financial stuff will work itself out.



If you are happy and valued, just think how much more you can contribute to the lives of your family and others around you! Don't waste your potential. And don't let her waste hers.

Affairs do not always end in a mess...but they are high risk behavior.



Your marriage is failing so that automatically places you at high risk for divorce regardless of whether you stray or not.



Need to start a plan for living on your own.



Might not come to pass but the probability that you or her or both will want out is increased relative to intimately healthy marriages.

Im with the thinking that if you are in a place where you are actively seeking an affair, or think that an affair is possible/probable, you are done with the marriage. Not necessarily your fault tho, bc alot of times YOU may really want to work on the marriage, but your refuser does not want to (they dont see a problem!) If the other person doesnt care or doesnt want to put any of the work in to making it better, then yeah what else can you do?

Besides end it.. I know its easier said than done, it takes alot of gonads to end your marriage and sometimes an affair is a way out. But yes, it makes things very messy and she will turn the tables and blame it all on you if she finds out.

Sorry i went off track a little. Your last question was "say i stay in the marriage...where is this going?" You will either fall in love with an affair partner and that will push you out the door, you will see what youre missing and pull the plug yourself, or the scenario i mention above where you will forever be the bad guy. Or you will stay in misery in a sham of a marriage and further damage your well-being.

Yep, I've done it. I LOOKED for it. I felt I needed to be wanted and desired. I did. Can't say it's made me happier, but it has met a certain need. I really just need to pull the trigger, but currently finances and my lameness are standing in my way.



I know my husband would actually like to cuddle me, but I don't want it anymore. He'd tease me with the possibility of sex, but often rejected me mid-flow. I just couldn't stand it anymore.