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I Dont Like Sex With Him

He is kind and loves me very much, but i just dont like to have sex with him, i get turned on by other people, but when it comes to have sex, i just can't do it. I love him too, but more as a friend or roomate than a husband... is that normal? we've been together for 9 years, it's sad because i want to let go, i want to try and fall in love with someone else, but i just don't want to break his heart

exploring exploring 31-35, M 39 Responses Mar 6, 2007

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I really feel for you. My situation is identical. Your story is mine. I don't know how to advise you since I'm stuck myself but I hope in some small way it helps to know that your story is shared by many. All the best.

Poor guy.

The kind thing would be to let him go. His heart is probably already broken. He deserves to have someone who loves him in every way. I don't think you are doing him any favors by staying.

Love is not the answer. It would happen again after short time. The name of the game is new lover. Only he can start the fire again, at least for awhile. We humans are promiscuous, very promiscuous creatures and nothing sweeter than experience sex with various partners, actually even more fun with various partners at the same time. If you are really honest with yourself you will admit that that is your most secret desire. Imagine few partners touching you, caressing you, penetrating you, giving you as many ******* as you want.....It would be The Tantric Bliss....
Am I right? So go out and **** your brains out. Wish you all the pleasure you can have.

I disagree with your viewpoint there i was in a relationship for over 4 years no sex and we never fantasized about being with anyone else...the thing is people are scared to commit they think just cause everyones doing it its cool....psshh

This is my first post, but I don't understand the refusers who break their vows (to Have and to Hold) and claim to love their spouse, but wishes to show them no pleasure. Do you not want to make them happy? I bet they do things to make you happy. This is more than just sex it is intimacy. Are they keeping their vow about “forsaking others”? What does it hurt you show them pleasure, can you enjoy their happiness or are you so self absorbed that only your pleasure matters?

If my wife would say these words, instead of empty hints......maybe <br />
<br />
If my wife would come out with it and say anything relative to the actual situation.....maybe something else....<br />
<br />
If ..............she does not - and I have to....it is highly unlikely we will be married in 2013...

You don't want to break his heart? Honey, I got news for you. You already have. Men aren't blind and stupid, despite what Feminists say.

I'm in the same situation, but have been married 28 years! Yikes, he's a great guy, tries hard but is boring with a capital "B"......I find myself with wandering eyes very often

Yuppers. We are sexless as well, married 27 yrs. Sometimes it just happens. We are not miserable, &amp; so familiar, if we were to split it would kill him. Some people do not understand that sex is not the 'be all' of a relationship.

Glad to hear it! It would kill my hubby if I left also-and the big "D" is very pricey!!!!!! I think there's a lot of people in our boat!

Do yourself and him a big favor. Let go. My wife does not want to have sex, and at this point if she said go, I would not be heartbroken, I would be relieved. I love her immensely and would be glad she could seek what she is lack, but I could eject knowing it is not my fault. I would always love her for letting me go.

well said

You dont love him you just use him for something. if you love him that is the first thing you want from him Sex. just look at your real reason why you want him not love him. love cover everything even if his not good looking but when you love him you will do it

Totally agree. IF you really loved him like a husband, you would definitely DESIRE him physically. For some reason, you don\'t fully respect him. He may be sweet and kind, but he doesn\'t make you feel safe. There\'s not enough masculine energy.

Do HIM a FAVOR--let him go, so he will have time to find somebody who truly LOVES him in the way he needs and deserves.

Ditto for you. Do yourself a favor and leave. You are only kidding yourself.

Incompatible. Some people like raw sex. Some people like refined sex. Some people like romance before sex, some people are just not that into their partner. Whatever it is, it is to do with the Law of Attraction and the Language of Love - and if the one that wants sex doesn't know these laws, they will have this trouble again and again until they learn them. The one that doesn't want sex is usually simply turned off by brash demands for sex... it's offensive.

honey there is nothing wrong with you. divorce him and find a person who wants to be your roommate, like a close friend or a gay guy. but divorce him and let him find what he wants, which is someone to have sex with a lot.

Hi,<br />
<br />
Since you have spent 9 years with him, there is something which is holding you. You know to be loved is to give love, in your case you have feelings fo ur husband, give a thought, you have wasted so many beautiful years, which coud have been the best part of life, anyways it is never been too late.<br />
<br />
Give a thought, you can do it and remember he is also living your dilema and suffering your thoughts....I think he too needs a better treatment. It is not that we always live for ourself.<br />
<br />
God Bless,<br />
<br />
Chetnya

Dump him. At minimum, you should like to have sex with the person you are with. Why be with some dude if you don't like having sex with him? DUMP him NOW.

Dump him. At minimum, you should like to have sex with the person you are with. Why be with some dude if you don't like having sex with him? DUMP him NOW.

Dump him. At minimum, you should like to have sex with the person you are with. Why be with some dude if you don't like having sex with him? DUMP him NOW.

if you love him, but cannot make love to him, set him free.<br />
<br />
And CrystalCat, yes, some people do keep it hot all their life. My parents are pass 70 and still have sex life and more power to them.<br />
<br />
Sexless marriage is fabulous, if that is what both partners want.

I am in the same situation... all i could say my husband is the most wonderful person I know. I just cant have sex with him

Hi, I think we have the same problem. I been with my man for 15 years and we also have a son together and dont get me wrong I do love him but, Im not in love with him u see whats going on here is that as the years past by so long u just loose intrest in the person u want to go out and meet other person get turned on by just looking at other man but, when it comes to ur man u just dont want to and that is very hard because I've been honest with him and I have told him how I feel but, he just dont seem to get it. I mean he get it but, is just like I have spoken to a wall and all this is really taring me apart because I ask myself what about my happiness but then again when Im willing to move on I just can do. Is it because of the years we spent together or what?

Hi, I think we have the same problem. I been with my man for 15 years and we also have a son together and dont get me wrong I do love him but, Im not in love with him u see whats going on here is that as the years past by so long u just loose intrest in the person u want to go out and meet other person get turned on by just looking at other man but, when it comes to ur man u just dont want to and that is very hard because I've been honest with him and I have told him how I feel but, he just dont seem to get it. I mean he get it but, is just like I have spoken to a wall and all this is really taring me apart because I ask myself what about my happiness but then again when Im willing to move on I just can do. Is it because of the years we spent together or what?

Redzcar, I am sorry. Of course you are right, but after so many years things can go wrong, sometimes we just accept it, sometimes we want out. I married for love, and I do still love him, I just wish that I can fix things so that we are both happy and fullfilled. I am not selfish, just heartsore because when things are the way they are with me, I just can't help feeling it is ME that is faulty, I feel inadequate as a woman, he makes me feel like I am perverted for wanting some exitement at my age. So please no more finger. Sorry for being confused about your comments.

Yeah I see, one...no problem. OKAY.....Sorry, Crystalcats comment is just so old (May2007). Yes, I do agree with you about her comment, but as for my own, I do feel guilty, just so damn frustrating to live like this. Take care...hope your sex lige is great.

redzcar.....you are sooooooo arrogant.

I completely get this

I love my wife ,but we also are in a sexless marriage <br />
We have children ,Just in the last 2 years it has dwindled to nothing .I would love it to change back to what we had but<br />
she dosent want to address the issue .She says she loves me .Some of it I think she feels not as sexy since she has gained some weight with childbirth .

I feel for you, I know how hard it is to break up with someone who loves you or clings to you even though you aren't very passionate about them. <br />
I promise it's worth it though, and you will be doing each of you a favor. You will be freeing him to eventually find someone that wants him in all the right ways, and be doing the same for yourself.

I have only been married 2 1/2 years, and my wife has already begun turning me off on purpose. First it was mentioning another man's name while we were in the middle of intercourse..........so, no intercourse for the past 2 years. Then she began asking me, AS IF whe was a virgin when we met, "What are you doing?" when I attempted to reach for her and touch her sexually. I have pretty much given up now, very sick and tired of having my wife squirm away from me the one or 2 times a month I attempt to initiate sex with her. Good thing due to lack of success with women most of my life (I am 45) I have gotten very good at ************, now in my only marriage I get to use it to save my sanity. The other fact that burns my butt.........before I met my wife she had sex often, in cars, on hammocks, all sorts of different places with her ex-husband and old boyfriends. They got the fun, I get the cold shoulder. Sigh

I am in a similar situation to Jubba. I am still very attracted to my wife, but she is not attracted to me. The major difference between me and Jubba: I don't have kids (yet). I asked her last night if we would still be together had we not been wed, and she responded, "Yes, I love you." I suppose she might be in love with me, but I find it hard to believe because she is not attracted to me.

hi iam very sexy husband i did lot of sex since15 yrs of age i got married 12 yrs back once i showed or bed sex to opposite flat to a womed i really enjoyed then slowly to lot of people now i eager to play sex with my wife with some other person with little hesitation

I told my husband I had no sexual feelings for him before we were married, but said i'd try to develop some. This was ok with him then. But the things that he'd come up with try to develop some were revolting and humiliating (at least to prudish, hung-up me). They did not work and its constantly pointed-out how much of a failure I was (am). <br />
Now that he is too ill to leave him, it'll be too late for me to get a life back if he ever does die. I have wasted most of my life with this man. Don't do the same. Either way, he'll just resent you in the end.

Why marry someone you had no sexual feelings for in the first place? Not judging you - just asking because I'm puzzled. If you live in a culture that practice arranged (or forced) marriages I can understand it but if not? And whose life has been wasted here really?

Some people take a while to develop certain kinds of feelings. For some people who get married, it can take time for feelings of responsibility, loyalty or trust to grow. People grow, feelings change. For me, I don't usually (only once) develop sexual feelings or chemistry for quite a while. I was taught as a child to be ashamed of that "dirty" stuff and of being a woman, and I'm still very shy sexually and find it hard to get in touch with my feelings and really let go. My husband primarily wanted a devoted, loyal, self-sacrificing nurse. He had heard the testimony of others that I very much that. By the time he asked me to marry him (3 times over 2 years), he knew I had all the qualities he wanted except the sex. He told me how very, very much he loved me. I told him I would try to develop my sexual side with him. So we made a deal. Unfortunately, you can't specify all the details in this kind of deal, you can't even envision them all in advance. I did not know how he would want me to "Work on developing my sexual feelings". I signed-up for "tender, romantic dates that would be me feel more secure about my body issues and no pressure to perform". What I got was "swinging singles in a bacteria-filled hotub where your spouse picks your sexual partners (so none of them are hygenicly appealing and you'll want to have sex more with your husband. Oh, and afterward, there'llbe a lot of bad critiscism about your flat performance."
I did not know he would become so controlling. I did not know that soon my participation in these "therapies" would not be enough for himand then our sexual differences would be so enraging to him. After a while, all I knew was that I found these situations repulsive, and I found I was less than interested in sexual activity with my critical, angry pimp.

As i read more and more of these very sad situations i must say that i am getting very frustrated, i have been in a sexless marriage but after many years we chose reluctantly to divorce. I am a Dr. Phil fan, you may like him or hate him, i dont know, but ne thing he says, i believe to be rue with all my heart. The only worse thing in being in a lovless marriage is being in on, one day more then you have to be. Sorry if that isn't what you want to hear. EITHER WAY, BEST OF LUCK!! (ooops sorry caps)

Honey, stop wasting his time and yours. If you absolutlely don't want to have sex with him, then you need to be with somebody else, and he does too. You both deserve that.

Unfortunately I am in the same situation...only I am the husband! Nothing in my life has been as painful as living with a wife that is totally turned off by me. What hurts worse than my unbearable hormones (I am still incredibly turned on by her) is the total destruction of my self esteem. I was a virgin on our wedding night because my faith and upbringing taught me that it would be worth the wait!!! I tried to be a great lover--focusing on her needs in bed...But apparently I will never live up to any of the "many" men she experienced before me. My wife had no problem initiating oral sex on men she hardly knew, but is disgusted at the thought of kissing her husband. Despite this, she claims to love me and thinks I am a great dad and financial caregiver. I feel like I spend every hour of the day visualizing all the graphic, kinky sex my wife had with all her old men. I am constantly asking myself, "why are there men out there that knew my wife far more intimately in 6 months of dating than I have known her in 8 years of marriage???" If it were not for our 2 kids I would certainly seek an annulment for "unfaithfulness" to the true commitment of marriage. I guess in her eyes sex was for everyone--except your husband.

I'm in the same position as you and I don't agree with Alana's comment; life isn't all about sex! How could ANYONE fancy someone after 9 years? The important things are if you have shared interests, if you get on well with eachothers' family and friends, if you have kids to look after together. If we spent our whole time worrying about sex we'd never get anything else done. Our parents' generation understood this much better than us. When you see a little old lady and a little old man holding hands and saying they still love eachother you don't presume they are having passionate sex every day, do you? So there is more to relationships than just sex. However, that said, it is very, very frustrating when you still want sex but not with your partner. What I do about it is flirt a bit on the 'net, fantasise about stuff and just get over it. It's wonderful and a blessing to have a great sex life but you don't have a right to it and nor does your partner.

sex is more important than you think

now i don't know that i totally agree with the previous posts on this, but maybe it is because i am so entirely in the same boat with you- that my judgment is flawed. i know what it is like to loathe the idea of sleeping with {your} husband. i have been with mine for 9 years and well, the spark is not there either, but too afraid to hurt him/the kids to leave. you have my sympathy and empathy. <br />
hugs*

You know life is ironic I´d have loved to be wanted and desired by my hubby, but you may have your reasons, as sasxiv says I´d would want <br />
my partner to tell me they don´t fancy me in bed; Alana comment is spot on you are wasting his time, and breaking his heart the more you delay the time of telling him what you feel. He <br />
surely has noticed you are not sexually attracted to him, so better he knows it for sure. better a heartbreak that a life with resentment and uncertainty

You know life is ironic I´d have loved to be wanted and desired by my hubby, but you may have your reasons, as sasxiv says I´d would want <br />
my partner to tell me they don´t fancy me in bed; Alana comment is spot on you are wasting his time, and breaking his heart the more you delay the time of telling him what you feel. He <br />
surely has noticed you are not sexually attracted to him, so better he knows it for sure. better a heartbreak that a life with resentment and uncertainty

Your ego is in the way. You are not doing him any favors by "not breaking his heart". You are living a lie and wasting his time and your own time.

I can honestly say that if my wife did not want to have sesx with me I would want her to tell me. If there was a way to work through it and save the marriage I would. Its a hard thing to do.....