I Live In A Sexless Marriage Too.

I know I am in a sexless marriage because I am married to a "passionless" man who leads a "passionless life". In order to have passion you have to incorporate things into your life that bring you TRUE joy, and I am not talking about your spouse. It is never the responsibility of the other person in your relationship to make you happy. My husband comes home from work to enjoy the couch and some nightly extreme TV watching...That is his passion, the TV. The TV is great for people that have true intimacy issues, it allows them to not to have to connect with you or life in general. My husband is 38 this is his first marriage and we have no children, he has no reason to lay around and watch TV all the time. I have verified with his previous girlfriends that this is who he is and what he does in his relationships, this tells me one thing...It is NOT about me and NOT my fault. In a relationship you HAVE TO BE WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IN ANOTHER PERSON. 

If a man wants a woman to "come on to him" he needs to be that guy, a guy that a girl wants to bang. I am no more attracted to a lifeless person than he is to an overweight, unkempt woman who wears sweat pants. A man that is plopped on the couch nightly is not attractive to most women. He has no life, no passion no real purpose for living. Of course when we were dating this was NOT how he "sold himself". I met him in a social setting and he lied his way into my life. He created stories of passion, MANY self-created stories about people he NEVER was and places he had never been. In retrospect that was his passion...LYING. He lies due to being a lifeless, passionless person.

A person who works just "hard enough not to get fired" is not going to be full of passion or really physically outgoing so do things that make you happy and quit wondering when or if a person wants to have sex with you. Meet people that share your interests, read a book, workout, etc.

brenner21 brenner21
36-40, F
14 Responses Feb 18, 2012

Sounds like your just screw worthy!

you need a boyfriend

No, I do not. That is the LAST thing I need. I need HONESTY, that I am not going to get. I need to save money, I need to finish my Ph.d program, I need to work on ME because I don't want to attract more of the same. I don't need to waste another second of my time on another useless man/relationship.

<p>after I read ur comments, stories, ur reflections, inflections, words used, contexts applied, gender behavior as an example, i walked away with this.........<br />
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Our gender, be it male /female is used against us ( though u do seem to bash women here more then men,which lends its self to my thoughts, u may be a guy. ) god for bid we apply our own gender experiences towards your stories, you appear to have anger issues towards women in general. and now that i have learned what part of caLIF UR FROM, I GET IT EVEN more lol</p>

If men were a little more like women, and women were a little more like men things would be perfect I am sure...well it's never going to happen. There will ALWAYS be double standards. Here is a classic. Fat, bald, ugly rich men marry 25 y.o women all the time. Why, because they can!! If you are an overweight, old woman good luck. Men that have gray hair are "silver foxes" women that have gray hair are witches. Men age better than women (generally speaking). Women have to be sexy, men aren't held to that same standard. We put a lot of effort into our appearance (makeup, hair, clothes) and we are still looked down on by someone at some point, "you could still loose those extra 10 pounds"...I put A LOT of effort into myself because i am getting older and i don't want to let myself go. The double standards will ALWAYS be there. Yes, I do bash women because they don't get what it takes to KEEP a man attracted to you. Women so desperately want to believe love is enough...I don't want a man to just love me because we have history and he is "comfortable". I don't want to be a mans mother, I want the passion. As soon as I come home from work, I reapply some makeup, brush my hair etc. I basically fix myself up before my husband gets home but you know what...that is the same thing i did when i was single...When my husband met me he met me looking a certain way so that is the way i need to stay in order for him to be attracted to me. My husbands "low libido" has been an issue in almost ALL of his previous relationships, so I know it is not about me. i explained in my other post EXACTLY what i am doing to change things for myself.

you got the bait/switch thing, like many of us have....... what are you doing to get out of it? to make it better for you?~!

I live in one because of medications have stolen what used to be a passionate woman's passion. I have been to the usual places, with the usual "desc<x>riptions" and there are plenty of ways to get laid, sucked, jerked off etc.all of it is essentially, ******* off. I want to make these things happen to an attractive woman. I love a woman in a state of arousal, I love the indicators, the sexual flush spreading from neck to breasts, the erect nipples, the need for skin on skin. The gentle parting of legs and the lips within.. Most of all the delicious wetness just rocks my world. <br />
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I love giving them head and then kissing them deeply on the mouth so they too can taste their wetness. I love their need for more friction, grinding pelvis against my face. I love the love moans, and cries increasing in intensity the closer they are to getting off. I love bringing them to the edge of ****** and waiting,knowing that a breath on their **** will make them come. I love the sudden paroxysms of their pelvis as the ****** crashed over them. I love the too sensitive nature of their erogenous zones directly after. I miss it so much. I miss the passionate rough sex, followed by the gentle exploration of another's body. I love the way a new feature, neck, ear, breast , of a woman can so totally turn me on. I love when they lie on their side naked, emphasizing their narrow waist and the stunning flare of their hips, I miss their Venus mound, exploring every hole they have. I need to make someone besides myself come.

WOW, good for you it does not sound like you need anyone.

Au contraire, a woman's arousal is what I truly miss. Masturabation is a poor second

I too know what it is to be in a sexless marriage. I met him when I was in another state working we looked at each other and it was wonderful even after I had to go back home he eventually moved to where I lived, but he became boring he didnt want to spend any time around my friends unlessm it was a birthday he started acting like couch potatoe constantly playing xbox i thought i was living with a teenager, and it got worse i had to tell him after vegging out on the couch for days to get a shower, so I thought he was home sick. We moved back to his home town he doesnt play the xbox but now he spends alot of time with his grandparents it really bothers me when i have to call him for a ride to the grocery store I have been trying to make it work , and oh yeah he is now on this church thing since he is around his family like im a heethen and he is a angel he curses me out for not wanting to sit with his grandparents and mother I really hate it I'm want to try to work it out

im sorry but ur husband not wanting to sleep with u could mean that he is cheating on u

I have lost the energy to give a **** IF he is cheating on me. If hes cheating on me hes cheating on the other woman, that makes her less special than myself. If I come across that, I will deal with it. My husband is not outgoing, passionless people usually don't cheat because they lack any and all desires especially things like cheating which requires great effort. He comes home from work and heads to the couch until its time to go to bed...but even then I don't care if he cheats or not.

So the obvious question, why are you still hanging around ????

It's a cogent desc<x>riptive account of a dysfunctional marriage. Great story, in and of itself.<br />
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But with a huge yawning crater - "where now ?"<br />
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There is all this well reasoned stuff about what a cement-head the husband is, but nothing about any potential modification to / abandonment of the situation.<br />
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I find that puzzling.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Every day I find a story here that hits home with me, today its yours brenner21. My situation is similar. I think that we try not to notice the small things until the sexlessness crushes us, then the other passionless traits are are glaringly obvious. Passion requires selflessness, drive, and the confidence to be vulnerable. Good sex and Passion is full of vulnerability. It's about giving to the other person, its about giving in to adventure! As you have learned its just not in him....my spouse is the same. They would rather exist than dare to live! Some of these refusers use the common "insecurity" arsenal to fend us off. Guilt, Blame, and Shame....they are very effective at bringing us down to their level....the thing they don't know is that when we have it figured out it doesn't work anymore. Brenner21, there is more to life than watching him waste his life , go out there and live it....I plan to!

You are on it!! :) I completely agree with you!!!

I love that thought ... "there is more to life than watching him waste his life" ... we are being strangled by the inaction

When a spouse keeps the TV on from early morning until he goes to bed at night, it makes for a lonely existence for the people living with him/her. Perhaps it the TV is the "great escape" and allows the person to leave the room, yet be in the room, without having to contribute to the life going on around them. TV can be educating, entertaining, and stimulating, unless mindless sitcoms are watched over and over and over again. <br />
Neuilly said -- "how many of our refusers are, or were addicted to the TV...My spouse sure was..Once the spouse was retired..the TV was on first thing in the morning..and never went off untill he went to bed." My husband is retired and falls into this category, turning the TV off only when he leaves the house. I enjoy having music playing in the background that allows for a conversation without having to be in competition with the boob tube. <br />
Your story brings in absence of passion "He has no life, no passion no real purpose for living" Life goes on around the TV addict while he is being bombarded by TV shows laced with commercials. I swear I have watched him watch TV and he doesn't even bl<x>ink, <br />
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My life goes on while his life has become stationery, plopped on the couch, developing a TV belly. I go to yoga, take walks, go hiking, enjoy friends and photography, while his world shrinks by remaining glued to the television.

The part that makes it difficult for me is that I want to go out do some hiking, take walks, etc. but my wife pulls a "poor me", I have to say here and do some work. So I offer to take the kids with me so she can get the work done without being disturbed, then I get the "you're leaving me here, I don't get to have any fun". In reality I don't think she really wants to go but I think its a form of passive / aggressive behavior. When I think back about it, all the clues were there about the TV additiction. I just didn't recognize it.

From what I've read, marriage councilors wil tell you that a couple should date for about two years. You really won't get an idea of what your partner is really like until the high of the initial "in love" feeling goes away and you need to deal with real life issues. My wife and I dated for a few months then lived together for a few more before getting married. The clues were there but I didn't recognize them.

Passive Aggressive Behavior ... sad but true. I seriously doubt they will ever change because it is working for them... it is not working for us and we have a right to be happy and relative content in our lives without all the "guilt" being attached. It takes years to really know someone and even then we might never see the total person. Time to focus on ourselves

yep my refuser loves his tv

1 More Response

I think if you look really hard at this, he isn't that great an actor. There were patterns of behavior you must have noticed prior to your marriage that possibly put you off guard a bit. But, we have a way of talking ourselves into what we want to see and hear. Given your age, my guess is you wanted someone with whom you could start a family, and this man seemed like a suitable candidate. We make compromises that turn out to be unsustainable.<br />
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What I hear in your post is disgust and anger. You are angry at him for who he is which is not what you want or need. Unless he is unhappy and willing to do the footwork to change, you are in a complete no win situation. Whether you tell him directly or not, your disdain has to come through loud and clear. It's not fair to either of you so since you have no children, it would be better to pull the plug before your resentment completely depletes your self-esteem.

You are TOTALLY right I AM angry. I am angry at what WE are becoming. He sold himself as something/someone different. TV was not his focus in the beginning.

I think that when people are dating, they are trying to look their best....to attract ainterest..and so to really get to know the person..well..that is why you really need date for awhile, but even then life patterns change...and ther just are no guarantees..<br />
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and i agree...the passion a person has for their work..or to certain lifestyles, and habits, says a lot about their personality..I am not a TV person, never was, ..and I am not really a movie person either.. but, i would love to know ..how many of our refusers are, or were addicted to the TV...My spouse sure was..Once the spouse was retired..the TV was on first thing in the morning..and never went off untill he went to bed..and he had several TV's on ...god forbid ..that he miss something, because he left the room..Since our divorce in Oct..i have not had the TV on at all..the world could be at war, and i would not have a clue..but i just have no tollerance left for the noise of a television...

Good for you!! Keep the TV OFF and the passion/passions in your life alive.

To answer our question, I would have to say my wife is addicted to TV as well.

I find the crap that they watch has a lot to do with their mind-set. In a woman's case it might be, The Hallmark channel (overly romantic), Lifetime (dramatic, and unrealistic), Dancing with the stars (unrealistic body image issues), Cooking shows (are making depressed women fatter), Reality TV (none of those shows are real)...All bullshit TV. Nothing but women with unrealistic expectations and romantic ideals.

The DETAIL of your post is interesting in that it throws light onto that perennial issue if personality compatibility/incompatibility.<br />
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People do out-and-out lie about their character. I find it puzzling why they feel compelled to do that. Some lies are easy to put out and then forget, but ones that you have to live with every day seems a bit masochistic to put it mildly.<br />
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Personally, I would prefer to be honest about where I am coming from and set it in the context of where I would like to be as long as I was being honest about that as well.<br />
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Some folks find themselves in a position where they aren't telling the truth or are omitting it because they are embarrassed or because they are fooling themselves, or they are in denial or they are fantasizing. People do find it difficult to just be bluntly honest about themselves, they want to promote themselves.<br />
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Would you ever confess to being casual about the actualité as far as your personality is concerned? Sometimes it's trivial but when it comes to issues like personal relationships it is kinda fundamental.<br />
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What do you suppose might have prevented you from 'testing' his character before making a permanent commitment rather than apparently relying on an ephemeral history that he presented? Did the difference between you exist prior to marriage but take on a more significant role afterwards viz-a-viz the impact on your relationship?<br />
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It seems he has a housekeeper and cost-of-living sharer and that may just be the way he likes it. In itself there is nothing wrong with it other than he wasn't prepared to be candid with you over it.<br />
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I have a TV and I rarely switch it on other than to watch the news when cooking/eating because I have simply lost the point in it, as well as the vast majority of content being complete dross. In particular, I find some people's fascination with soaps completely bewildering because they watch fictional tedium as high entertainment while leading lamentably dull lives themselves. Is the typical thing he watches revealing in any way or is it simply a case of any old **** will do to while away the rest of his life?

I like this part: It seems he has a housekeeper and cost-of-living sharer and that may just be the way he likes it. In itself there is nothing wrong with it other than he wasn't prepared to be candid with you over it.

You may find that as a relationship develops, mistakes made early on begin to compound. A relationship that starts with great sex and has some social elements but doesn't really get much deeper becomes the root of bigger problems. When the kids arrive and there isn't as much time for the lovin', there isn't much more there to hold things together. When the kids leave and you have more time for your selves you may find that one or both of you have health issues; menopause, erectile dysfunction, etc. and there still isn't much there. Interest may very well change. If you weren't close to start with, other than the sex and good times, there will be even less later.

Make sure the parts fit together (compatibility with each other) before applying the glue (sex).

I am learning this the hard way after 33 years.