"I Live In A Sexless Marriage Part 2"

Imagine your life without your partner...
  1. What would you do?
  2. Where would you go?
  3. What would you become?
Do you like what you see? If not, create what you want so if your marriage does not workout YOU have a back up plan. Don't read to much in to this and assume that people that have backup plans are "Half way checked out of their marriage"...that is totally NOT the case. You CAN'T control your partner and where they might be, and how they might feel about you in 5 years...hell, in 5 days. The message you should get out of this is to ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

If you live in a sexless, passionless marriage with an end result of a total lack of intimacy, I am sure you will, If you have not already asked yourself the above 3 questions. Below are things MOST people can do anywhere at anytime. A lot of people make excuses...but   it's your life CONTROL yourself and STOP wondering when the other person is going to change.   Your partner is more likely to change when you are actively changing yourself for the better.

I say open a savings account in your own name that is funded by extra income that you SELF generate i.e get a second job, make extra/new money by selling your hobbies (painting, sewing, knitting, etc.) If these are things you are passionate about and like doing, why not get paid to do it? It also helps you to occupy your time while doing something constructive...you will be creating your own passions in your life, these are things you will always be able to do no matter where you go. They are yours, and nobody can take that from you. Who cares if your partner lays around all day...you are to busy to notice.

WORKOUT, WORKOUT, WORKOUT...Great stress reliever...Yoga, Dance, Walking....WHATEVER!! If you leave you will feel good about yourself...and IF you stay you will feel more empowered. You will also be LESS likely to seek validation from your partner. Buy some new clothes, CREATE a new/current image again, IF you go you will be ready...IF you stay your spouse will notice (even IF they are passive aggressive and won't verbalize it unless it's in a sarcastic tone)...this just puts you ahead.

Educate yourself as much as possible...Generally more educated you are the more money you will make, more educated people also have less children and tend to be happier because they have more options personally and professionally. Again, you are investing in yourself, IF you stay you will have more self-respect, IF you go you can take your education with you and be more self-reliant.

Seek some type of therapy...Group, free, paid whatever it takes. (CO-DA is a great free one for people that have dependency issues). IF you stay you will have better coping skills, IF you go you will be armed with a new mind-set and be less-likely to get involved with people who are overly problematic. You should be investing and taking control of your mental health.

I am doing these things...this is helping me get through it. After all couple grow together or they grow apart right??

IF it is my FATE to be without my spouse. I will be moving to a small Ocean side community south of San Francisco, CA. I don't care if all I can afford is an apartment, it's part of the deal. I will be getting some cosmetic surgery (minor body work), I will remain single and have different types of relationships with different men that bring my joy. These men will more than likely will be 10+ years younger than myself because I want to be with someone fun and active. I will be part of my community, learn to surf, continue my education at UCB, UCSC, or UCSF, I will give back when I can, travel as much a possible, and meet people where ever I go. So, basically I will CONTINUE TO LIVE A FULL AND INTERESTING LIFE WITH OR WITHOUT MY HUSBAND. I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF EVERYDAY, ACTUALLY SEVERAL TIMES A DAY THAT I CAN'T CONTROL WHAT MY PARTNER DOES BUT...I WILL BE PREPARED NO MATTER WHAT. I WILL NOT LEAVE EMPTY HANDED, UNARMED, SCARED, HALF OF A PERSON, SAD BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY VICTIMIZED.

In closing don't make money or age an issue, there are ways around everything. If you find yourself making excuses, you DON'T want to be happy bad enough...sometimes we have to ask ourselves "How much **** do I have to eat before I realize it does not taste good?".

brenner21 brenner21
36-40, F
11 Responses Feb 20, 2012

It is your tone and the lecturing way you come across that is off-putting to many users. Your advice is solid, I did many of these activities myself during my leaving process. <br />
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You might want to speak more in the I...rather then YOU.....<br />
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You are no more an authority then anyone else here, just a person working through your process. We all have insights to share. We are all at different places. We all have different resources.

YOU have the option not to read my post, I have the right to speak freely. Sorry, i can't please everyone.

Yah...we can just all tell you how in evolved and insightful you are, and thank you for sharing all your wisdom with us, as clearly you have all the answers....

Yes, she has all the answers...that's why she's still living in a sexless marriage. Thank God Brenner had an epiphany and decided to enlighten all of us inferior beings. I will read your post, and since you call yourself a Realist, I am going to be real with you and urge you to be real with yourself about taking accountability for your part in your SM by being emotionally unavailable. What man wants intimacy with a frigid b i t c h ? You urge us to take accountability for our own happiness...people who live in glass houses...

You are ignorant...you are also angry, and it shows. Strong women are usually labeled as a "B I T C H 'S" because they have boundaries. You could not be more incorrect, My husband is a frigid, boring, lackluster Narcissist, but refusers usually are.

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Great post, and thank you for sharing. I have seen a lot about leaving a marriage to save yourself and be happy, but for most of us in the holding pattern or learning to "manage" our situation, it's too much. My thought is that by improving the self and moving on elsewhere with one's life, that there is less disappointment that comes from seeking validation from your celibate partner. I think that's a great insight. Whether together or apart, it's better not to seek validation from that person, because it isn't going to come from them. It also makes it even MORE difficult to cede the important ground to a partner in a dysfunctional marriage because when you have changed your life to the point that your thinking changes. You are in a better fr<x>ame of mind to make decisions ba<x>sed on what you really need, and what value you feel you bring.

I am also in a sexless marriage...I can relate

I fully relate to your post. Yes i have had a troubled marriage, and yes i i am fully committed to fixing it. But if however it doesn't work, i do have a secret bank account, and i do have plans, on what i'm going to do, where i'm going to live, and how am i going to get maximum custody, of my children. <br />
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There is nothing wrong with this post. If only some here would follow this advice.

We do agree with her idea of happiness being self-created. It's her condescending tone on ALL of her posts that I take issue with. She thinks that because she has great analytical skills and can memorize a lot of statistics that she is the smartest person in the room. Well, I can assure you, that she is not.

In fact, she seems a bit emotionally retarded. The hierarchy of human intelligence:
1. Instinct

2. Emotion
3. Logic
4. All 3 in perfect equilibrium.
Congrats, Brenner, you've made it to level 3. Educate us all when you have reached Level 4.

I am with you on the passion subject, because it resonates with what I have been feeling lately. One thing I have noticed is my spouses affinity for ob<x>jects and comfort rather than people or experiences. I.e. when on vacation or a family outing, for her, it is most important to have the perfect smiling picture than the perfect experience itself.....you know what I mean? Her Passion is looking at the Sunday flyers so they can tell her what she wants/needs. I am into experiences and fun and life while she is into accumulation of crap, and crappy TV. I really think its a matter of getting to know yourself and being honest about what you want in life.....we're not going to change them, and its not our place to....if we need more out of life we need to own that and go out there and get it.

Thank you for sharing and thank you for getting it.

You make excellent points. I did all of those things and have settled on the same mindset as you. Money is not everything. Marriage is not appealing. <br />
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Your tone though does come across as condescending and preachy.

Thank you. I am sorry if you feel preached to or talked down to, but I can't please everyone nor do I care to try. I am not into "hand holding". i feel that most people need a kick in the ***, MYSELF included. Often times whats right and needs to be said is not comfortable..But im also the same chick who would rather have a couple of 30 min. uncomfortable discussions with my partner and get down to the real issues...I appreciate confrontations because I feel people are the most real in that moment.

The OP isn't atypical. Focusing on self-improvement is a great response to life's inevitable distresses. I reacted to my SM the same way, just that I didn't come to ILIASM and shout from a rooftop on what path others should walk. Actually, I have been thinking hard about why I landed up on ILIASM after at least 15 stable years of negligible sex and no ILIASM. What tipped the scale? I might write up a self-analysis one of these days.

Please do, I'd be interested.

Yeah Brother Ulae...come on with some scale tipping story!

Voetbalmum, I don't find anything wrong with it, in fact it is inspiring. Who cares if it's written in the 2nd person. Maybe she's not up to your "status" as a poster. Like she said, don't read it then & move on. If it inspires one person here, then it was a valuable addition to this site. I seem to recall a few of your long winded posts that I believe I wasn't the only one who couldn't finish reading. Did I or anyone else get on you for your ramblings? I think not.

I'm not out to judge it...it just couldn't really work out she was talking about herself...


I understand, VB. The saying "you should" do these things over and over was confusing. Brenner was telling us what she was doing but it wasn't 100% clear that it wasn't telling us what she would be doing. Simple difference in tone that makes all the difference in intention and understanding, at least to me.

For instance: Imagine your life without your partner...

What would you do?
Where would you go?
What would you become?

If written in 1st person would be "I imagined myself without my partner and asked myself what would I do, where would I go and who would I become..." story sounds different to some people when it's about their own lives, which it turns out hers was just not in a directly stated fashion.

I didn't write "I" for a reason, It seems to me that some people have asked themselves those very same questions. "To good to leave, to bad to stay"...You should question yourself and your choice to stay vs. leave...IF you stay you HAVE to except it will probably never change. If you fully except your spouse you will let them be EXACTLY the way he or she is. I choose not to resent my husband by changing myself instead of trying to change him.

So let me see if I understand... you are not writing about your experience but instead questioning others about their experiences here?

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Here's my two cents:<br />
I came here because it is a place we can all speak openly about very intimate topics. I appreciate everthing I've heard. Some resonates, some doesn't. What you write in this post resonates. Even when we are in a sexless marriage, we are still responsible for our own happiness. It's easy to let the circumstances sweep us along and make us apathetic to our own circumstances. This post gave me a ah-ha moment. I've done some of the thing you mention an others don't apply. There are other things where her words struck me like a slap in the face. I was letting my self go a bit, not being the person I want my spouse to be for me.

I think that this much more succinctly drives home your point than the other post about "...Mining For Diamonds."

Sorry, my intent was not to waste my works in Mining for Diamonds.

Sorry, I meant waste my WORDS not works.

I think that in that post, you are the one who comes across as jaded and bitter. I should know, I used to be you.

Not meant to sound b*****, but this does not have the angry inflection to it.

Where I live unicorns don't drink out of champagne fountains. I am a hard-core realist. I create the good in my life, sorry I don't choose to be a victim.

thumbs up eads

Brenner, silly girl...compartmentalization of feelings is for kids! You call yourself a realist, but what you really are is someone who has been a victim, so you refuse to be a victim again. Being emotionally unavailable to people is a very effective means to protect your feelings, but not an effective means to building successful relationships. I'm sure that if you questioned your behavior, you might see why your husband is emotionally detached to you...it is a response to your detachment. I like how you equate reading a good book or going on a walk to having an intimate relationship with your husband. You remind me of hard-lined s t r i p p e r s I used to work with who had been abused by the men in their lives. The dumb ones continue to be victims, and the smart ones, such as yourself, end up making victims of the men in their adult relationships. You should read over your posts and see how angry you come across.

You are completely WRONG in TRYING to understand what I am saying. I feel sorry for you. I am not a victim, victims are not interested in actively changing what they can within themselves. Victims are the ones trying desperately trying to change their spouses and when your partner won't change on your terms to your liking you cry in your hands and live in your self-created depressive marriages. You said: I like how you equate reading a good book or going on a walk to having an intimate relationship with your husband...WRONG, you probably would try and force someone to love you, have sex with you, share good times with you. etc. I am not that self loathing...I pick myself up and get active in my own life. I am not angry, I am just not delusional.

I understand that you are saying that your happiness is not dependent on another person's actions, that you are accountable for your own happiness and life, and that we are powerless to change anyone but ourselves. I am not the only person who thinks you come across here as angry. But of course, you dismiss the opinion of the majority because your line of thinking goes like this:

All victims are weak and stupid.
All the people in here are victims.
Therefore, all the people in this forum are weak and stupid.
I have activities and hobbies, too. I have friends and family. These are not replacements for intimacy but a distraction.

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I'm trying to figure out why you are coming on here preaching like this?<br />
This general preaching or blasting is for who?<br />
Some people come on here looking for guidance, a second opinion, or just to vent.<br />
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Everyone has their own path of self discovery, and I get this underlying motivation that you want to give me an answer, while the joy comes from doing the work....<br />
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Anyway, that's how I've experienced both of your posts today. Nothing real, nothing I can connect to - - in fact I experience it like superficial. <br />
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I'd rather hear about you - rather than "what we all should do"<br />
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Just sayin'.

Than don't read the post...they are mere suggestions take them or don't.

Me creating a life for me is hardly superficial. I guess I am different, and you sound jaded. That entire post was about me and what I am doing to make it work.

Oh, well, that's confusing because you write it all in 2nd person...and no, I'm not jaded...just telling you what happens to me when I read your posts... that's all.

Then don't read them...take accountability.

Also, I spoke about myself...and what I am active in doing.

Take accountability? That sounds perfectly arrogant. Sure, we are all responsible for our own happiness, but to think you or I can do or say and do things and others just ´shouldn´t´ be affected is extreme on the other end. If we aren´t affected by other people, it also means we wouldn´t be able to connect, and have intimacy. The affecting people thing goes both ways....All I did was tell you what it did for me. That´s all...carry on...and move down the coast, it´s beautiful there.

Yes. I have a certain amount of empathy but I am not here to hold hands. It seems that maybe you had power but somewhere you lost sight of yourself and gave it away. Like I mentioned in posts IF someone isn't actively making changes and showing consistent improvement (any improvement) you have to move on with your life quit complaining and find yourself again.

Also, again IF someone isn't sitting home crying over you and trying to fix the damage, why are you letting them affect you so much? Are they worth that much of your energy? You could be spending all that time on fixing the things you can control such as yourself.

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