About to Marry Into a Sexless Relationship

My fiancee and I split last year, and against all of my rules about dating, I agreed to give it another shot. It turned out I had changed, he had changed, we communicated better, we were more affectionate. He even committed FINALLY by proposing. Well we've been back together for 10 months, and as it turns out our seriously lacking sex life has seemed to creep its way back into our lives. This was a BIG issue for me, and the residual rejection I felt when I first left the relationship. It was discussed and understood i thought when we got back together that this had to change, that I deserved to be wanted, etc...


Well it looks like old patterns do not die. I finally have a man I love, Hes committed, he's willing to have children, but he's not interested in sex much. I've tried talking to him and he agrees, and then I wait and wait or I'll initiate and get shot down again!


Would I be making a mistake walking away from all of the other things because of the sex?

troubled31 troubled31
26 Responses Apr 29, 2008

I know, I am hearing what everybody is saying. My family and friends say I make rash decisions... I guess I don't want to be accused of that in this case...But nobody else has to live my life either right?!

Hell. girl if you are wondering now just think long term, can you tolerate a lifetime of the same problems????

Hell. girl if you are wondering now just think long term, can you tolerate a lifetime of the same problems????

But where DO you draw the line between loving someone enough to work through the issues, whatever it takes, and this is just BS? I'm not making excuses believe me, I've been teetering toward leaving... so I don't have my expectations very high...

Thanks again everyone. We had another very srious talk about this last night. He basically knows I'm thinking about leaving. He got angry and defensive and said that if you really love me and want a life with me, then you have to be wiling to stay and work on it. I agree with that to some extent... but we're dealing with the specialized circumstance where I can't really see something like this being fixable over the long term? Yes temporarily.... but not long term. If it was something like I couldn't stand my in-laws, then yes that is something you can work on for teh sake of being with the person you love.<br />
<br />
Ultimately I suggested therapy he agreed... I think he was hapy to see I wasn't quick to just give up... but I'm really scared that teh therapy won't help either... I guess we'll see...

In my opinion you would be commiting yourself to a lifetime of frustration. You are the only one who can answer the question, is it worth it in the long haul?.

run....it will eventually get on your nerves and get you depressed can you handle this.

It goes up and down. For anywhere from a couple days to a month, we may do it several times. Then it will turn into nothing, usually lasting for several months at a time. Then we may do it once or twice again, then nothing again. So far it's been over 5 weeks since we last did it. Something hurts, she's tired, doesn't feel like it, the excuses are endless. It's been talked about to death, we've seen therapists, tried it all. She says she's going to see somebody, a doctor, or try to find out what's going on, then nothing. It's all talk. I'll try to find some answers but she usually doesn't want to hear it or talk about it anymore.

Now when you say little to nothing.... what constitutes little or nothing???? I'm lucky if i get it at least once a month

Looking back over the past three and a half years, if I had known then that my marriage would become sexless I never would have gone through with it.<br />
<br />
She was an animal when we were first dating/engaged. Now it's little to nothing and has been for a long time. You may think that it's not that important, but it really is.

I have to agree with the people here who are raising warnings. I don't know anyone whose sex life became more active after marriage. More interesting or more creative, yes. But more frequent, no.<br />
If you go ahead with this marriage you will be on this site the rest of your life. Sex is too much a part of our basic instinct. You deserve to feel appreciated and wanted. You would have to read a lot of posts here to see the damage years of not being wanted have done to people's self-esteem and self-confidence.<br />

You indicated you both changed and now are communicating better. You said that he is more affectionate -- that is his "change." In what way have you changed? If your change is to become more accomodating to the lower level of intimacy he has to offer, then beware. There are many examples on here where the spouse who seems to have changed to be more affectionate is working at an unsustanable to maintain that appearance and it may fade. In your statements, you are already indicating your difficulty with the ongoing sexual incompatability. Your ability to maintain your happiness through this may wane over time. Year later, I am still generally a happy person and I enjoy my kids a great deal. But I sometimes worry that the positive outlook I used to have is now more arificial.

I feel like I've already made some real friends here.... I wish we all lived closer together and could form an actual support group for each other! Thank you all!

Troubled31 Please think about your situation before you decide to marry. I would hate to see you being in a marriage such as myself. 8yrs. and counting living in a sexless marriage.It is not good for your health as well as you feeling neglected, lonely, and sad. Think about those negative feelings before having to live with that for the rest of your marriage. Just think about it!!!!

Thats an excellent point!

I think deep down you already know the answer to your question, we often seek confirmation to difficult decisions as a reassurance of our self doubt. <br />
If you step back for a moment and apply logic to the situation you have described and the question you pose; one most likely would have to conclude that the red flag is at full staff and it is time to proceed with extreme caution. <br />
There are never any guarantees that a marriage will work out just as we hope. However, why would a person choose to enter a marriage that is experiencing serious problems of this nature prior to the I Do???<br />
You make the call!

Troubled,<br />
<br />
I am new here, also, and, it is great to hear from others in similar situations, isn't it?

Yes it would be interesting to hear from those people who managed to pull their sex lives out of the sh---er!

Yes it would be interesting to hear from those people who managed to pull their sex lives out of the sh---er!

I'm going to be cynical here and say that love is not enough. Love alone does not solve problems, although it is a pretty good starting point. It's all a big gamble at the end of the day<br />
<br />
It can be quite scary reading some of the stories here; it would seem that things don't get any better. But perhaps there are other people out there (who obviously don't post here) for whom things have got better.

I guess I am just afraid I would be giving up one thing for the other... Sure I could have great sex with any number of men... but will i find one that wants marriage and kids? I'm so worried I can;t have it all.

On the surface, it may seem like you can forego sex with your fiance b/c he has other outstanding qualities but intimacy is a big part of a relationship. It is what helps keeps you bonded and feeling love.

Talk to your family sincerely ,they know you and him without the bags.They can give a decent evaluation to success.

Thank you so much to everyone. I didn;t even know groups like this existed and I've been so depressed lately about my situation that I googled some phrases and found this site. It really does help knowing that there is others out there like me. Its really hard when you are in a situation where love just isn't enough... that has to be the worst decision to make, because its not like they did something to **** you off or drive you away.. You're still in love with them and want to share a life with them... but I feel like this blossoming flower that is starting to wilt because my significant other isn't nurturing my sexuality.

Thank you so much for you posts. It has helped me realize this IS exactly what I'm experiencing. You hit the nail on the head. I have only recently (past 2 months) began to experience and realize that my boyfriend is acting the same way. I have almost always had to be the one to initiate things but at least in the beginning they were reciprocated and recieved well. It seems that once we talked and made the decision to be exclusive, basically once he made the decision to commit and realized he was in love with me, our sex life slowly started to diminish. I would ask, initiate, dress up, make comments, touch him, etc and I would get every excuse in the book why he wasn't in the mood. The rejections have been continuous now to the point that I've stopped trying but I'm hurt and resentful instead. I'm like you at this point, I love him dearly, we've talked about marriage and a family but do I want to resign myself to a life of a sexless, passionless, itimacyless relationship?

Yes you would be making a mistake. I have lived in a sexless marriage for almost 29 years---sex is important, the pure intimacy is important-having been a woman who was shot down and it was devastating--it is difficult to live that way unless your reside yourself to the fact that your relationship/marriage is like "living with your brother!" It's a difficult life!

that's for you to decide. But if you are going to put your life and happiness on the line, don't you want what will make you happy?