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Something Has Happened To Me - I'm Acting Differently

I'm not being very nice to my husband lately.  I avoid spending time with him.  If he raises his voice or gets the least bit argumentative I leave the room . If he starts cursing and swearing about something I get real quiet and leave the room abruptly.   I don't help him or support him. 
 
When he wants to do something - (or when he wants me to do something for him) I either blow him off or  begrudgingly do his laundry or run his errands or pick up something he wants at the store.    I don't always make his lunch to take to work and I only make him supper if I feel like eating something.   I don't want to sit and talk to him or listen to him  while he talks.   I don't want to sit beside him  and watch  reruns of stupid  cartoon TV shows . I don't think his jokes are funny.    I am always busy.   I don't have any patience for him.  

I no longer care about what his interests and hobbies are.  I don't want to spend time  going places that he wants to go.   I hate his mother because i don't visit her and listen to her whining and complaining about how hard her life is.   

I don 't spend my weekends and my days off work cleaning the house , picking up his mess and catering to his every whim,  I don't stop what I am doing to listen to his rants about how unfair the world is .  I don't stop on my way out the door to read a newspaper article that makes him angry just so that I can understand why he is vocal about the injustices of life.   I won"t change my plans to accommodate him.    I am inflexible.      I don't care about him anymore  and you know something -  HE'S RIGHT.    

August 1977 we met -  September 1984 we got married.     November 1986 we bought the plans for the house we built. In September 1987  we had a child.   7 years dating -  almost 28 married.   Why wouldn't I be happy to have such a great guy.    

Last time we had a sexual intercourse was 1987 .   We could have it back again if I lost weight and became attractive again.     He just doesn't understand what's going on.    The last time  I initiated any affection for him a couple of summers back he pushed me away  and told me not to do that.  I should leave him alone.  

Thanks to this site I have learned that I am not a freak - I have normal needs and desires.  I need love and affection  and there is nothing wrong with that.    I don't have to hurt or sacrifice myself to make someone want me.  I am worth more than that.  

So I have a plan,  I am getting things together to start over.    I am putting my needs ahead of his wants.  That might make me selfish  in someones eyes.    That might make me difficult and unkind.  That might make me intolerant but it also makes me smart  enough to know when I have a lost cause. My regret is that it took so long to see it.  

 Check list is ready and the countdown to departure date has begun . 
cairinkimberley cairinkimberley 51-55, F 21 Responses Feb 26, 2012

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I am nice, polite, cordial , smile but not attentive as I have always been. I don't regret this change. He said you have shopped being attentive & affectionate . I say what do you mean?<br />
He looks puzzled...truth is I have checked out emotionally...i laughed thinking of a post I read ...their comment ...yes you start looking at them in a 3rd person sort of way ...I laughed yep...that is where I stand . <br />
Thank you for your story...another post I read & I will use it is called zip code therapy.

I love the line..by Bazzar. 3rd person sort of way....there is so much truth<br />
In this story<br />
It is like having a cut it hurts but it is healing slowly & one day you wake up<br />
See this scar & realize I really don't remember when it stopped hurting like<br />
A 3rd peron sort of way... I love it Bazzar

To be more prepared, it's worth reading, "the Female Brain" by Laura Brizendine. Yes, it gives biochemical and hormone profile reasons for sudden changes in female behavior, especially at milestone ages, but it's best to be informed about what people might throw at you, pretending to be "scientific," if you know what I mean. Good luck!

Life is too short to be stuck with someone like this. Brace yourself, screw up your courage, and move on. Good luck to you.

If you are a freak then so am I and the world needs a whole lot more freaks!!! you stick to your plan and you will be fine.

Wow. Good for you. <br />
You really have me thinking.<br />
My situation is not really THAT bad, so it is OK for me to keep being nice, right?<br />
Or maybe it is just that I have not given it quite as much time as you did. <br />
Your regret that it took you so long makes me wonder.<br />
Good Luck.

WOW! I'm in a similar place in my relationship. Detaching from the man I once loved - and had a great physical relationship. My weight's the same as it was when we married- but he just can't take the responsibility of being a provider for his daughter...so I'm slowly preparing to leave . Blessings to you and good luck! Xxx

Let me speak from the other side of the fence (you know, where the grass looks greener?). I was unhappy in my marriage, and went to counselling...my counselor agreed with me that I should leave him, and told me the steps I needed to take to get ready to leave (a year in advance). I did everything, gave him 3 months fair warning, then left with my 7 year old son.<br />
<br />
Since I left, he has done all of the things that I left him for not doing (getting off his *** and earning enough money, handling some of the other responsibilities of being an adult -- you know, the things I used to do for him, and before that, it was his mother who did them)...but he has also made it his personal project to ruin my life. <br />
<br />
When I first left, I worked 2 jobs and when I got home at 4 pm was too tired to deal with my son. Now I have an illness and am totally alone -- he has taken my son--the stresses of being a single mom were too much. He beat me to the punch and filed the separation papers first...and took advantage of my illness in many ways to get the judgment to work out in his favor, including $200 per month child support (!)<br />
<br />
My point? Think WAY ahead. <br />
I'm not suggesting that staying with him is the best idea, but in this economy, definitely look before you leap, and make sure you leap onto stable, solid ground. (When I told my mother I was going to leave him, she said "good, I can die knowing you will leave him"....she was perfectly healthy when she said that. ...She dropped dead 3 weeks later. If she were still alive, I would have the moral (and financial) support I need to get through this -- without her, it's REAL tough. I'm just sayin' -- don't rely on just Thinking the Grass is Greener --be sure to water and fertilize it! <br />
<br />
And FINALLY -- make sure you are prepared to deal with the worst possible reaction from your husband (re: your leaving)--and if you don't know what that looks like, figure it out so you are not surprised by his reaction. I knew better -- I knew my husband would do what he did, but I let my counselor convince me that I was just being a drama queen. She was wrong--and now it's a very small comfort knowing I was right.<br />
Best of luck to you.

Yes I am aware of this which is one of the reasons I hesitated to leave before. I have seen a lawyer - not a counsellor. Thanks to my dearly departed father I have resources that my roommate cannot touch. In fact , I discovered that I am entitled to some of his resources which for years he has held over my head. . I have obtained the copies of documents that my lawyer suggested and I have steps in place to relocate my protect my personal possesions. My daughter is leaving home and starting out on her own . She has a little money in the bank , no student debt - thanks again to my father and 2 university degrees.
There is nothing holding me back now. He can burn this house to the ground if he wants after i'm gone - It is insured and he will be in jail. Once I leave thereis nothing he can legally do to hurt me. It's time. I believe that this is what Baz means by an Exit Strategy.

Congratulations on retaking control over your life!

:-) Nope, not one comment that I read here says "monster." Congrats to you all for riseng above being treated as less than. May you all find the love and happiness that you deserve!

I am glad you are getting out with careful planning.<br />
<br />
p.s. Your weight has nothing to do with it.

The disconnect has more than set in and you've had the realization that you no longer love him the way you wished he loved you. There is more unravelling to do but you are welll on your way. Best wishes.

Is it always greener the other side? What if all men are jerks,one way or another?

Have faith that all men are not jerks. I'm living proof. And humility is one of my better traits.

soon i will have the chance to see if a number of men are jerks or just a small percentage . there are some pretty nasty women out there as well some of them embarass and shamme me with their cruelty.

and all women ********?

lol and i'm living proof not all women are a pain in the ***.

honestly there are problem individuals in both genders - being a refuser is like a disease - impartial.

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Have I told all of you wonderful E P people how much I love and appreciate you? Well I'm saying it again.<br />
<br />
I love and appreciate each bit of support and encouragement from people who understand, who are honest and don't hold back. You are important to me because even though you didn't know it -----together you threw me an emtional life line. I am holding on with both hands and I won't let go until I'm safe. Thanks to all of you.

You go, girl!

I think all of this is just the awareness that you have no more enrgy or effort left to play this game of pretending to be a couple..This constant hurt you have been hiding..has fnally surfaced..and your done..it is that simple..you can no longer lie to yourself..or convince yourself to just play along..it is incredibly overwhelming to even consider doing that.<br />
<br />
And so emotionally....you have moved on....your heart has hardened to any possibility of trying again..you just have no more to give to this marriage...and ...so that is what this is about... and where you are at.......<br />
<br />
a 1,000 hugs......

Cairin, this will spill over (if it hasn't already) into a mindset where your husband basically becomes irrelevant to you and your life. <br />
<br />
Rather than being irritated by his behaviours, a point of serenity is reached where you tend to observe him in a detached, 3rd person sort of way.<br />
<br />
It ain't such a bad place to be actually. It is a stage on the way out.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

then i am on the right track - it is a process isn't it

Yes, you are on the right track, and yes it is a process. And you are managing it well.

Great ...thanks
I know I am set to go
3rd person sort of way ...I have made the grade
That is exactly where I am at ...
It's called .... Freedom

Be warned I have been there for a while but now that he see's the writing on the wall now all of a sudden he wants to "fix" things and thinks I am a ***** for not wanting to try

I am nodding in understanding, sweetnfeisty. It is a tough situation to be in.

I went through a similar detachment process. <br />
<br />
I became much less invested in the numerous day to day things I did to keep the relationship running smoothly in the last few months. When he balked at my new attitude with "what do you mean you didn't get my presc<x>ription refilled for me without me remembering to call in a refill? You always take care of those things for me" I told him that he needed to get used to taking care of himself.<br />
<br />
I became much more interested in putting my needs above his. That confused him a great deal for a while because he had grown to depend on me so much. After the separation he really got hit with a shock. My Xh had never rented an apartment or set up utilities in his own name until I made him leave.

LOL you are saying to him I am done with this life and I want something more. I want to be loved on my terms and not everyone else's. There is nothing wrong with that--you want a happy environment and someone that will meet you halfway. When the other person is a downer, it is hard to have a decent life. When the other person refuses you intimacy, I truly believe it is a form of hate if it is going on for any length of time. This is an abusive situation for you. I am done with all the reasons why they act like this, the point is they are acting like this and it is wrong. This man does not love you.

RIght -he just needs me - but i don't need him any more. as I told a friend not sacrificing myself anymore - besides I am not a virgin so it won't take.

Just had a thought - at least we are recognizing it - that must mean we are not monsters - probably just worn out and tired of being doormats.

I hear you CK. I am also having difficulty with this - well maybe it's not a difficulty to you ;) but what I am finding is that although my H has worked through some of his issues and is kinder and much less volatile/angry, I no longer have any time or patience for him.<br />
<br />
It is especially difficult because I do not want to turn into a bully or an abuser, and my husband has illness that means that he just CANNOT do certain things. I no longer coddle him, in fact I am finding it hard not to have contempt for him at times now. I am remembering the past 8 years rather than simply living in the present. I am tired, exhausted, and just don't care that I have to be "bossy" to get things done around the house.<br />
<br />
I hate how I am acting, and I cannot see a way around it. I hate that the one person I loved more than anything, I am now not treating as well as I might; but when I did cater to his every mood, I was more exhausted and miserable.<br />
<br />
Best of luck to you