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First Steps To A Decision

I've taken the first steps since my last post (Fragments of a Broken Dream). During a walk with my wife yesterday we commented on how two co-workers with health problems were handling their issues. One has embraced the change and the other hasn't. Health issues are what my wife cites as the reason for her lack of interest in sex. She also cites a lack of time to exercise.

Her work schedule gives her Wednesday afternoons off. She chooses to use the time shopping. Since I also pickup the kids from school she pretty much has the afternoon to herself. I offered to do the shopping so she could get to the gym. She agreed. About twenty minutes later she started explaining that she would be making some cupcakes for our daughters upcoming birthday. I reminded her that I was offering to do the shopping so she could get to the gym.

I'm starting to pull the mask off the excuses. We'll see if she makes it to the gym Wednesday. I'll withhold judgement.

Meanwhile I've logged seven miles on our hear me right. She insists on the difficult logistics of the gym, etc. in lieu of a professional quality treadmill in our basement. Admittedly the unfinished basement is not in the best of condition. She cites she can't stand the smell. It does have a mildew odor. I started working on that excuse Sunday. I started throwing out the old junk that we both know is junk to start cleaning up the basement.

I also scheduled an appointment with a marriage therapist. She may, or may not be useful, we'll see. In my next post I'll share the letter my wife will get explaining my reasons for the marriage therapist.
NWTruthSeeker NWTruthSeeker 56-60, M 5 Responses Feb 28, 2012

Your Response


Give up. <br />
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The marriage is hopeless because she does not love you anymore.

Off topic, but buy a dehumidifier for the ba<x>sement. It'll be super dry in a few days. Any of the Frigidaire models will do.<br />
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Not that it matters regarding sexlessness, but it would be better for your health. And you'll certainly want to work on your personal well being in the event that you become single again. Which given your situation, may be a likely outcome.<br />
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Take care.

You will handle this in your way, as you should.<br />
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Like other posters, I reckon you are focused in an unhelpful area. You are treating her excuses as valid and concentrating on eliminating their validity. Closing them down one by one as being untruths.<br />
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If she is any good at this refusing business, she will be able to keep them (excuses) coming far longer than you can disprove them.<br />
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If she wanted to do something about this issue, she'd have done it already, without any prompting from you.<br />
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I reckon your energies would be best concentrated on your exit strategy> That shifts the focus back on to you, and things you can control. Her, you can't.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I have no doubt you are correct. That's why I am working on an "exit strategy" at the same time and have a defined date for the decision point.

I would suggest you break this no where pattern with your wife now.<br />
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Your wife is not refusing for any of the reasons she is stating. She is making excuse after excuse after excuse. And, you are playing along with it. Additionally, you are creating a power struggle that keeps you focused outside the issue of her inability for physical (and I suspect emotional) intimacy with you. Now, instead of addressing the sexlessness, you are battling over her actions around her excuses as if they were real. Knock it off.<br />
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If you really want to address this issue, you have to decide if you are truly unwilling to live in a sexless marriage for the remainder of your relationship. This is paramount. Until you make this decision, you will be forever accommodating around her excuses and your hope for change. Once you empower yourself with this decision, you will change the entire terms of the conversation. It won't be endless waiting for her to change. You will know clearly what you need and expect, and she can either truly work for change to manifest it or you will leave. Until that moment, you will stay in limbo. You will be free because you will no longer be pinning your hopes and expectations around her actions, you will be advocating for your own needs and taking responsibility for setting your own boundaries.<br />
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This is easier said then done. It took me years for me to finally end the game. And, the leaving process was near a full two year ordeal. <br />
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Live your truth

Good for you for pulling away the veneer of her excuses. Don't necessarily expect everything to change. This may be more an exercise in proving to yourself that she is doing exactly as she wants and she does not want to change. That is fine. In fact, it is part of the process. <br />
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I suggest you tell her - great husband you are - while you are at the store you will order cupcakes to be made at a bakery there or elsewhere for your daughter's birthday. Might cost you a few dollars, but her health and making time for her to go to the gym is worth it, right? Maybe she will be grateful and go to the gym or take a walk. She may find another excuse not to go. But the more times the goal post is moved the more convinced you will become.<br />
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This is a big step in your attitude towards her and towards the marriage. You're clearing out your ba<x>sement, so to speak. Good for you.

The cupcakes are a symptom being a refuser. When the time was freed to address issues she immediately filled it with something else so she wouldn't have to face the issues.

Agreed. If you still need to prove to yourself that she is simply moving the goalpost and redirecting her distraction and excuses, try to fill in all her excuses. Then watch her dance to find another one. Pretty soon the pattern will become crystal clear. Or, if you already know what you need to know then you can put one more checkmark on your list under the "moves the excuses/goalposts etc instead of actually wanting to solve the problem" category and move on to whatever else you need to do to make a choice for yourself of 1,2 or 3.