Sexless Marriage, Mistress. What Do I Do??I will post the whole story another time. But the short version is: 12 year marriage to an adorable woman, 3 kids. Sex slowed down from the day after the wedding, went drastically downhill after our first kid 8 years ago. Sex a couple times a month, less than every other month at the end. And always very self conscious, uncomfortable and missionary. Always me initiating, her mostly refusing. Her lack of interest during the act eventually started causing performance problems for me also.
Absolute refusal to discuss the issue with me. I thought that was our only problem, and at some point years ago, I started seeing escorts for some release, and thought I had a solution to the problem. About 2 or 3 years ago, intimacy got worse, and started extending into a lack of any physical affection at all. She wouldn't come to bed at the same time as me, wouldn't snuggle. No more hugging.
About a year ago, I started an actual affair for the first time. Nice girl, totally uninhibited. Performance problems gone. I started feeling pretty good about myself. I didn't realize what constant refusal of my advances was doing to my self confidence. I started therapy about 6 months ago - wife wouldn't come with me. Our marriage went downhill, a number of fights, and finally she finds evidence of my affair.
We fight, she finally comes to couples therapy. We have it out. She (claims) she never knew. She didn't realize what it was doing to me. There was always a reason for not having sex (tired, I approached her wrong, work stress, kids in the house, I pissed her off by not doing the dishes, etc..). Eventually, after a couple of weeks of this, she says she will change.
We have a sex-filled weekend, my dream come true. Then I go into a panic. It feels fake. The sex is mediocre at best. She is sucking me in, and will change back, and I won't have the strength to do this again. I like my girlfriend, think I'm lucky to have found someone pretty, young and who shares my interest in kink, and don't want to break up with her.
Wife again breaks into an email account I didn't know she had a password for, and sees that I'm still talking with the girlfriend. She says that she is done working on our marriage, and won't talk about our sexual (or any other) issues again until I end it.
We've been in a rut for a couple of months now. Wife refuses to talk about anything, I think that she will make any excuse not to discuss our sex life, and honestly don't trust her or am even attracted any more. In my personal therapy sessions, I see that there are actually lots of things that I was unsatisfied with and that were making me unhappy, but I somehow ignored those problems.
Currently doing a trial separation. If I were to drop the girlfriend, I could go back and say "this is what I want" (have already said most of it already). She already claimed that she would change. But I don't believe it, hate the thought that I need to force her to provide sex and affection with the threat of divorce. And I'm already seeing a nice girl I don't want to leave. The trial separation is going well, my relationship with my kids is strong (and satisfying, even at 3.5 days a week). Trying to change someone strikes me as a lot of work that will require conscious effort for the rest of my life that I don't really want to deal with.
But then I have waves of regret about the good times, and about the lovely nuclear family we built, and the lovely house we own, and am sad for her, because her world is getting disrupted. And maybe the change is real?
But then I go back to being angry.
I've been on the fence for 2 months, and am making the decision to leave by indecision. Therapy is helping a bit, but I'm still stuck on the question of does anyone ever really change?
icancounttopotato 36-40, M 17 Responses 2 Mar 1, 2012