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Sexless and Crumbling Marriage

I have been married for 7, almost 8 years now and most of my marriage has been sexless.  I mean a year of wonderful, fiery, passionate dating did not warn me of what was to come.

 

Almost from the start, our marriage was devoid of sex - Except during hour honeymoon, I think it dropped to like twice a month and then once every few months and nothing for the past 2 years since the birth of our daughter.

 

I had always attributed this lack of sex drive on my husband's part to his terribly busy schedule which obviously was draining on him.  I should mention however that 6 months into our marriage, he had a brief affair with his first love/college sweetheart.  He was deeply repentant however, and blamed his misjudgment on all the stress of adjusting to marride life.  He had a fantasy about married life(as probaby all men who marry in their mid-twenties) and he said he was strung out by the starkly contrasting reality.  I think we stopped having sex for about a year after that because we were both devastated by the affair and were recovering.  Our marriage after that was ok - not ecstatic but quiet bordering on boring, on hindsight.  But hardly as sex - Now that I think back, how did I put up with it?  Well I guess I was feeling like I did not miss sex very much...we were more like buddies than a couple.  But I was coping...He was wonderful every other way and I guess since marrying, I sort of mirrored my hubby's behavior and tendencies- I was not feeling very sexual.

 

And 2 months ago, I discovered he had had an emotional affair with his coworker while we worked in different countries for the past 2 years.  I discovered this just as we started living together again.  In the process of talking about the affair, hubby admitted that for a long time, he had been unhappy about our marriage and felt that the passion had died a long time ago.  He says he realizes he had kept all the discontent bottled inside because he felt guilty about the last affair and felt he did not deserve to rock the boat by talking about how unhappy he was.

 

He says he deeply cares still about me and our child and would like to give our marriage a real shot.  I am however pessimistic about this as how can a marriage without passion ever be revived? I have recovered from the hurt and anger over the emotional affair, but I find that like him, I do not feel any sort of physical attraction for my husband.  So the feeling is mutual there at least.  I care for him a great deal, but I feel the situation is so hopeless.  Husband says that to him, sexual attraction is linked to emotional attachment...and tha ahhh feeling he used to have for me is gone, although he cares for my well-being a great deal and there is nothing in the world he would not do for me
(except have sex with me, apparently).

 

I guess love died a long time ago in our marriage and we were in denial.  Is there hope for us, we want to make this marriage work, believe it or not.  Would seeing a therapist help?

I feel like if all the advice we will be getting from the therapist will be "take a weekend trip together" or "buy new lingerie", it is not worth out time, as our problems are very real and very serious.

 

Please, anyone, any word of wisdom will be greatly appreciated!!!

desperate4change desperate4change 31-35 10 Responses May 1, 2008

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I have to agree with theblondelady. You have nothing to lose by going to therapy (except maybe a few dollars). If you are worried about what it would be like, try going yourself and then if all goes well you could ask your husband to join you. If he declines it then that may be a little sign there. I too am in a sexless marriage that went from wonderful sex to nothing. I love my wife more than anything in the world and with or without the sex I would never leave her. There are other options available between the two of you and depending on how open your relationship is depends on what direction you can take. Some couples have wonderful marriages but the sex between them is not satisfactory so they decide to explore the possibility of having other partners. I have considered sex outside of my marriage but as of yet, not taken the plunge (excuse the pun). It maybe something I will explore at a later date but for now I am willing to wait and see if sex comes back. It doesn't have to be anything commited and you can be in charge. There are many people out there that are looking for the same.<br />
Saying that though, as I said before, please take a long hard look at what the two of you can do to make it work. Therapy may or may not work bt at least give it a try. Another thing to consider is to see if the two of you can turn back the clock to when you were first dating. Try meeting up somewhere as b/f & g/f, have a meal or whatever you used to enjoy. If you have someone that can babysit all night for you, try going off to a hotel after a "date" together. Kind of like role playing as strangers. Talk to each other more, find out what really turns him on (everyone have things/fantasies they never tell their spouse). Let him know some of your fantasies. If that doesn't help your situation at least you might enjoy trying huh?

You have nothing to lose by going to therapy, either individually or collectively. Also you would want to explore all options before ending a marriage, especially when there is a child involved. I think a therapist will look at the emotional side of things rather than suggesting racy lingerie!

Dear Desperate:<br />
I will give you a straight forward, male opinion that has the candy coating removed. As I often state, we have just a small segment of details in a complex relationship in which to create an assessment. <br />
Unless this man changes his whole perspective on life and you, which is most unlikely, the relationship is over. <br />
He is currently not being honest with you and most likely never has been or will be. The man does not want to have sex with a most willing wife and has an affair??? Then had just an emotional affair, BS , he did her as well, just easier to say that it was "emotional" rather than physical. One of the most futile hopes a person can have is to hope that a person will change, he won't change. If he was truly so remorseful after the first affair, why in the world would a person place themselves into an additional situation where they then become involved in an "emotional affair? Defies logic. <br />
I wish I could give you a word of encouragement, however sometimes a bit of honest reality is the true form of encouragement. Good luck.

There's the rub. I understand what you are saying. Perhaps it will work out for you two? I know that in my case, I miss the passion and the romance very much. Its like living with a room-mate. I hope things work out for you.

I guess it is the friendship, and partnership as well as a family for our child that we are trying to salvage. We are compatible on many levels...except in the romance dept. We know it will be very difficult to find anybody else who will compare with each other~

It seems like you are both on the same page in this case. You both acknowledge that the marriage is missing the x-factor and you are more like good friends than a couple. If there is no deeper emotional attachment, what is it you are tryingt o salvage? Is it the partnership itself or the stability for your child?

wow-this is a tough one. I don't know. Maybe you need to start from scratch? Cheap therapy in a wine bottle or something? Or I guess you could just accept it--but if he already is having affairs, that might be a bad idea. I have to say this is a very unusual case.

janeagain, we were apart for the past 2 yrs(meeting every 4-5 months for about a week but even then no sex)...only started living together again 2 months ago - no sex still

were you were apart for two years? I don't get it?