Counselor Blames Me!About a year and a half ago, my husband finally took the intiative to make arrangments for us to attend counseling. I told him I had done everything I was going to do and that I was through with always being the intiator in trying to seek a solution.
We were to meet at the counselor's office after work for our appointment and my husband had given me directions to the office. Our appointment was at 4:00 and about 3:50, I was having trouble finding the right building ba
So we are finally in the counselor's office and he asked us to tell him why we are there. My husband is slumped over in the corner of the sofa we are sitting on and he tells him that we are there because he loves me and wants to save our marriage,etc...etc...that he would never wnat to do anything that hurts me. Then it is my turn and I tell him that we have hav enot had any sexual intimacy for the last four + years and that it is taking a huge toll on me and the marriage. He asks me how I perceive that it is affecting my husband and I tell him I don't know because he will not talk to me about it and punishes me with days of silence if I bring it up. We continue to talk and my husband tells him how much he loves me and how much he wants to find a solution.
The counselor starts talking about how thinks this could be related to low testosterone and wants my husband to see a doctor as the first step. I speak up and tell him that we have been down that path and his test results always show that he has borderline low testosterone and he has been prescribed testosterone patches and creams, etc. which have never resulted in any increase in his libido. The counselor seems to ignore what I have just said and goes on to talk about how many men suffer from low testosterone and miraculously improve with treatment. Needless to say, I did not feel too hopeful about going down this path again. It is like my husband immedilately feels vindicated and justified with our sexlessness if someone suggests a medical reason for it...because in his mind that makes it something outside of his control. The counselor tells us that he would like to see us separately for a few sessions and then bring us back together. We agree to that.
During my session, I talk about my experience and feelings about the marriage. And then the counselor asks me if I've ever considered that my H might be intimidated by me...that I appear youthful and vibrant and am more articulate than him. He points our that my H seems much older than me and is socially awkward. From his continured observations, it sounds like he sees my H as a vicitim...which is exactly how my H sees himself. Yet he is the one who controls me. The silence and pouting and withdrawal for doing or bringing up anything that makes him feel confronted or criticized kept me from doing those very things for the last decade. I tried to explain to the counselor this dynamic, but I did not feel heard or understood. It was a very disappointing experience to say the least.
It wasn't long after this that I found my own solution in the form of an affair. And that is another story that I will share later.