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Signposts

I don't believe in coincidences. When events happen that cause things to fall into place like pieces of a puzzle they are indicators that the right thing is happening. For those of you who are following my progress you would know that I am primarily focused on healing my marriage but being pragmatic that, in the end, that may very well not be the outcome. To that end I am also working on a "contingency plan"...what most of you would refer to as an exit plan.

As part of my effort to remove obstacles for my wife to improve and eliminate the reasons for not wanting intimacy, I suggested putting my non-functional organ (a vintage Hammond A-100 BTW...not my other organ. It works fine.) into storage and move our treadmill from the basement to the famly room. My wife refuses to use the treadmill in the basement. She said it was too noisy and that wouldn't work. Admittedly, it is old and noisy. I suggested we get a new eliptical trainer. She thought that was a wonderful idea.

So now I get a storage facility...an item in the contingency plan... and removed a significant excuse for her not being interested in sex all at the same time. The best outcome is that she uses the trainer on a regular basis, gets her health back and we get back to an active sex life. If not, she's enabled me to acomplish a step in my contingency plan.
NWTruthSeeker NWTruthSeeker 51-55, M 8 Responses Mar 4, 2012

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The need for closure is important... to go that extra mile and make sure that you do not wake up alone at night and wonder if you did not do everything you could to make the marriage work. You will be able to rest easy. None of this is easy, but I have to admit your plan is a different one than any I have encountered here. Exercise equipment...you did make me smile at that one.

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this is really "a chasing the why" exercise, which is a pretty pointless pursuit (in its' usual form). But I can see where you are going with it. You have a few boxes yet to tick, and when you have ticked them, you enact your exit strategy which you are concurrently working on too.<br />
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It reads like you 'know' that these remaining boxes are red herrings, but for your own peace of mind it is necessary to play the game out.<br />
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I can dig it.<br />
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Good luck. I'd only suggest that you run the clock on it. Particularly the exit strategy which is the only thing in this dynamic that you alone control.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I have to say not being able to have children could put a strain on a marriage and her emotional health. I also see that you are willing to fix it even after all this time. I hope it works out if not I guess you will feel like you did what you could to keep the family together and you will be in good physical shape. Working on your intimacy issues would be good for this relationship or the next so either way I think this is all win/win. As long as you can cope if it doesn't go your way but it sounds like you are aware this is a possible out come.

I think you have a pretty clear understanding of my thinking. Thanks for your support

Most of us in our chronic SM's are fixers and enablers. We can see the best in the other and want them to see it in themselves. We do everything possible to make our marriages work and find it completely sad when none of our efforts really change things enough to rebuild our disconnected relationships.<br />
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It's part of the process...not leaving any stone unturned. There will either come a point where you find the magic bean hidden in the soil or you will realize your garden is filled with so many stones, you realize enough is enough. <br />
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I TOTALLY feel your journey and hope you have a success story to tell!

I have to agree with your reasoning here. It's not whether she uses the treadmill or not. You've made your best effort and been understanding of her needs and tried to fix things. <br />
The rest one is on her. <br />
Just don't let this become one more attempt in a string of attempts on your part. <br />
Your contingency plan is good. Stick to it.

I haven't put forth any real effort in the past 15 years. Those are lost years and I share the blame by letting to persist so long. Maybe I'm facing a mid-life crisis realizing I may have fewer days before me than behind me and that's what's prompted me to action. I don't want to live out my remaining days in a sexless marriage.

I think your idea may work,. I won't say that it absolutely won't work...it shows that your interested in her, her well being..your helping improve her self confidence..and so..it is worth doing..and you have nothing to loose by trying this..but........<br />
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i think "freedomofinformation..has a point..that your walking a fine line with coming across as being pushy..so you need to be very sensitive to that possibility..encourage your wife, but don't go over board...<br />
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I honestly know no one that had sucess doing this your way..Usually, the person with the problem...what ever it is.. being over weight, or . using too much achohol.. to correct that, requires the individual to be the initiator and the determined party...I know of no one who brougth about a permamnant change by just coaxing, begging..etc......

Thank you for your insight.

If it has any validity I have always been a good old-fashioned believer in leading by example ba<x>sed on yet another old maxim, one action is worth a thousand words. Put another way, "don't do what I say, but do what I do". That way there can be no accusation of hypocrisy. Being so keen on removing obstacles can be interpreted as being just pushy, preachy. That may not be your agenda but it could be perceived that way. Selling a pitch that "I care about you, so that you can care about me" is admirable in it's own right but in some contexts it can really be tricky.<br />
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If that is what you want to do NOW, what anyone else thinks is neither here nor there.

It could be viewed as pushy. Not taking action to help her overcome her challenges has always been viewed as an indicator that I don't. This is something to help her overcome her challenges and demonstrate I still do care. She will still need to do her part.

Would you view it perverse if I said that I wish it works out more for her than necessarily for you? That doesn't mean that I am on your case, so-to-speak but rather that for your sake it is important that she sees the benefit in it for her and not necessarily for you.

You've stated it as I see it. If she doesn't see the benefit in it for her she won't improve.

You are getting your wife a treadmill and you think that will improve her desire for you?!? <br />
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I recommend that you press Go! on your exit plan.

No, what it get me is peace of mind that I've done all I can to heal the marriage.

Good for you! If it works out, you'll posess a monumental feeling of accomplishment. If it doesn't, you're one buff dude ready to hit the market.
I can share with you, looking at it from the "lost the weight, surely I'm now desirable" perspective...weight is just a symptom, not the problem.
Good luck in your endeavors.