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I Don't Mind At All, But He Does

When I think of sex, I think of people doing a one night stand with each other and never hearing from one another again. When I think of love making it with people who love each other and share not only their bodies but their spirit and soul. I started having sex with my now husband at the late age of 17 in my early 18. I was a little hesitant towards it because I was very nervous and I was afraid of getting pregnant or him spreading around in school that he took my virginity. So it took longer for us to get intimate. But as we did, I didn't feel any fireworks. It was very painful and couldn't enjoy it. As we got married we became more intimate and sex felt a little better. When we wanted to become intimate, we'd called it lovemaking to make me feel more comfortable about it. It was fantastic for awhile, but then I became bored with and a we made love less and less til we stopped. I didn't mind that we stopped but he did. He thought I was cheating on him but that wasn't the cause. I really wasn't into sex as much as he was. Every time we didn't make love, he would get upset and I would suggest that we do something other than sex. At this time I just thought of it as sex because he would just want it and not do anything else but do it and nothing else. I didn't find any romance at all and we had a couple of pregnancy scares and that really turned me off from sex. But I didn't see a bother to it, I thought of it as a dry spell while he thought of it as much worse. I don't care because I don't do anything else but school, work, and home.
2young4marriage 2young4marriage 18-21, F 9 Responses Mar 4, 2012

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at least you take pills so you wont end up so young and be a mommy at young age and yes im sure your hot and so nice to feel you....

Seems to me like an instance of not being sexually compatible. Guess it does happen to people, it's not unheard of and i could see how your age is probably the reason since being married so young wont have given you the time to fully explore your sexuality. There are many la<x>yers of compatibility you could share with a person and the sexual wasn't it for you and the husband. Some people will move on after this and others will try to make it work by giving primacy to other things besides sex. Best is to move on if you ask me. <br />
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As far as pain during sex, that's a condition called dyspareunia if it is prolonged and consistent and another condition called loosing-your-virginity if it is not prolonged and consistent. It has nothing to do with psychological issues like Mr/s. TheFullMoon above likes to suggest. <br />
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As far as what GibbySan above said, it's completely moronic to mock a young person for contradictions or for that matter mock anybody for contradictions. Oscar Wilde in his writings said: "Who wants to be consistent? The dullard and the doctrinaire, the tedious people who carry out their principles to the bitter end of action, to the reductio ad absurdum of practice" And he also said "The well bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves."<br />
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You don't need to read self help books to learn about relationships and intimacy, what you need to do is get out there and date other people. See where it leads you. A relationship may begin with excitement but as far as what maintains it is nourishment<br />
and effort and the decision to commitment itself. Any activity repeated every day wont remain exciting but only experience can tell you this not people on the internet so don't listen to me just get out there and see for yourself.

The problem for you was your married too soon , its difficult to make it work when there is no self discipline and as life goes on hypocrisy becomes hidden excuse you blame each other with.

Intimacy is difficult to achieve. It requires two people with the maturity that allows BOTH of them to acknowledge that the other person has needs that may not coincide with their own.<br />
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It is this maturity that is missing in your marriage IMO. That is not the fault of either of you - it is the outcome of being so young and inexperienced in life.<br />
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Please do NOT bring a child into this marriage. Resolve your issues - one way or another. Either seek guidance from a marriage therapist or choose to divorce. But recognise that your dilemma is very common and it will NOT "go away" unless you both do your very utmost to resolve it.

We are both immature, that I can say. I'm trying to be 19. Go to college, hang out with friends and I try to encourage him to do the same. Just do what any 19 year olds do. But he doesn't like the idea and instead of being a husband, he tries to be my dad. I tell him that this is leading towards a divorce and he completely shuts down. We try to sit down and talk but we never follow through. When I try to tell him he gets so mad and tells me how childish I am. I know what I am, but he doesn't. I know I'm only 19 and I know my limits. He thinks he's very mature for his age. There was an incident where he tried to make me have a baby and we were living in crappy conditions and neither of us had jobs. I don't think he's mature at all and I don't know why people, including my family thinks he's very mature for his age. He's like a 5 year old with a horrible temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way. He tries to do the impossible and depend on other people to do things and I don't feel comfortable doing that. I told him many times to wait a while til we get settled so we can do the things we want.

I'm afraid you are not going to get adequate advice here. That is the simple bottom line. You are indeed young and then also is your partner. It seems that there is a lot that you both could or need to learn about the dynamics of intimate emotional attachment, whether you want to label it 'love' or something else. A significant number of the contributors here are still trying to figure it out themselves, decades later, with little prospect of a solution on any horizon any time soon.<br />
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All I have heard so far is that it hurt to begin with. Hardly a surprise. Then you did like it, found it amazing, but now you find it boring. Um, why the apparent about-face? What happened, or more likely, what didn't happen? You seem to perhaps have an almost idyllic view of sex as love while your husband seems to apparently deploy his sexual charm with all the panache of a ******* bunny rabbit; "It's five past five on a Friday, it's time for Crackerjack© and it's time to ****"!<br />
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If that rudimentary perception is any where near the mark it would appear that there is an awful large gap in between your separate expectations and in them being fulfilled. Perhaps it would be time to discuss and negotiate something that might have half-a-chance of succeeding? YOU need to reign in your expectation of what sex is and what purpose it serves and identify what turned it sour for you. Your husband has to learn that being married isn't a licence to just be a lazy **** and forget all that he learnt at the charm school that clearly DIDN'T go to.<br />
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Is that plain and blunt enough to be getting on with?

That all I want is a little understanding. I'm not an expert on sex, love, and intimacy. I only know so little about it but I'm learning as I go. I wasn't born with this knowledge and I don't go around thinking I know a lot either. Just having the basic in love and intimacy works for me. I don't need him bending over backward, just being simple means a lot to me. Whether it's doing a little cleaning, a flower or a romantic day. I love being intimate with my husband. When it was amazing, that's when we were cuddling and adding foreplay to it. We were having fun with it. Then it became boring when he became lazy. He rolls, humps, and rolls off of me and goes to sleep. No I love you or cuddling afterwards. After taking in what others said I have a lot to learn about intimacy.

It does indeed sound as if he has become a lazy and inconsiderate sh1t. The question is why? You need to brave enough to ask him why because it just isn't good enough. If he can't or won't give an adequate answer it won't be acceptable. As Enna says, no long term future, including no children, until he sorts himself out or gives you an acceptable answer that you can work with. That includes useless answers like "I don't know" or "It's me" or anything else equally inane. You may have to chalk it down to experience and be prepared to move on. That is cold but sometimes that is all there is left.

I do try to sit down and talk to him, but it doesn't work. For some reason he believes that if we go his way all the time everything would be great. But it's not. I had to stopped him dead in his track before it got any worse. If we did continue to do everything his way, I would've been pregnant, kicked out of my house, no support, not being able to finish college, miserable, living in an awful shelter home and so on. Moving back home with my grandparents to finish college was the best step to recovery and I can see all the horrible mistakes I made when I was with him. I gave him the ultimatum, either we sit down and we talk and I mean really talk or the divorce is final. I can't deal with a selfish controlling little boy who only thinks of himself. I'm tired.

Sorry,dear, healthy sex is not painful... Either something wrong with the body or somebody's psychological issues... Both are serious problems and need to be solved by specialists....

I was a virgin when we first did it so it was painful a couple of times. After awhile I got use to it and then it felt amazing.

Sorry,I am not with you then... At your age I could not have enough of it! I am 52 now and still mad about it.... If it is amazing, what is the problem? Mine is just mind-blowing now,found after almost 3 completely sexless years! This is what really makes us human and alive!

I love sex. I truly do. It's so amazing and there are times when I don't want to stop. But I'm the kind of girl that I feel comfortable having sex with someone in a committed relationship and we love each other. I get attached to someone so easily when a kiss is shared. I don't want to share my body or the experience with anyone that can't show or take the time to say that they love me.

It seems to me you completely separated love from sex... Sex is the natural human function, can be with love or without, but sex is not the opposite of love...

1 More Response

You hate your husband.<br />
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Be the adult here and divorce him.<br />
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Next question?

I moved out because we needed space and that we we're fighting too much and we couldn't see eye to eye. As of now we have been speaking about getting a divorce, but before the divorce we agreed to try to talk out about our problems. If that doesn't work then the divorce happens.

I know you are young and don't get this, but sex is showing love with your body. Showing intimacy. Showing connection. Showing desire. Showing your spouse that they are desireable, that they are worth your time. Showing him that you want him to be happy. <br />
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That is what sex is in a marriage.

love this.

From this girl's perspective, sex is just a tool.

I know I don't fully understand sex. I never got the talk by my mom or a close family member. All I got from my mom was "don't have sex." When I met my husband he was a dream come true. Before we got married he was doing every romantic thing in the book from giving me flowers to washing my hair. After we got married, it was about 6 or 7 months into the marriage, he stopped doing that and he became demanding (not in rough sex demanding). Ever since he stopped I've been feeling like I wasn't sexy anymore, like I was just something for him to hump. I tried telling him how I felt about it, but it's like it goes in one ear and comes out the other. We both love each other and we would do anything to save our marriage.

That "just something to hump" feeling you have is a fiction. A guy like yours isn't the type. I bet only one in ten guys are like that. Maybe less. He wants to have sex with you because you are his mate, his love, his partner. Sometimes people do simply need sexual release. The fact is that he turns to you! That is STILL special. He didn't turn to another girl, didn't turn to a *****, but turned to you. THAT means something. It means he wants to be connected to you in the most special way a man and a woman can connect.

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I recommend that you introduce your husband to this website. We will be able to help him cope properly with this dilemma.

When I first saw this site I told him about it. He took it as a dating website and was fully against it and threatened if anyone flirted with me that he'd leave me.

I guess that serves you well, does it not?