Therapy UpdateI've been reading The Sex Starved Marriage. In it she lists a number of questions one should ask a therapist to help ensure you are getting someone who can treat people in an SM. Tuesday I sent the following message to the therapist:
"Before we get started with therapy I wanted to ask a few questions about you, your approach and your clinic:
I saw the cost scale on your website. Is the cost the same whether you are counseling individuals or couples?
What experience do you have specifically addressing people in sexless marriages?
Is your approach future oriented? (Where does the client want to be in a week, month, year, etc.)?
Do you believe in the sanctity of marriage? Does your approach focus on attempting to salvage the marriage before considering other alternatives?
What are your views on divorce? Do you have an idea of what percentage of couples in your practice left with their marriage intact?"
I was actually expecting a call back from her to arrange an appointment and learn whether my wife had called. My wife hadn't shared whether she had called or not.
What I got back instead was the following message:
As I began to answer your valid questions about my specific experience with sexless marriages I realized that I am not the best fit for you. As I said in our meeting, I do not specialize in couple counseling, but have dealt with issues concerning couples.
She also included a referral to another therapist who indicated she has quite a bit of experience with people in sexless marriages.
Yesterday I made an appointment with her. Now here's the interesting part.
I told my wife that I had made the appointment at a time that was convenient for both of us and encouraged her to join me. Her response wasn't anything I had expected and it was encouraging.
For the first time ever she admitted that we have a long history of unresolved emotional issues as well as her own physical problems. She said she wanted to start by pursuing separate individual treatment. She also said she wanted to work with her doctor to resolve physical issues related to sex.
This tells me a couple of things (assuming she actually follows through with what she's saying). 1) because she has thown up cost as an issue, pursuing separate therapy means there are significant issues she wants to address probably directed at me. 2) she seems willing to do something about the issues.
We've talked more about our issues in this brief exchange than we've talked about them in years. That's encouraging.
With all that said it could just be another refuser tactic.
I think (maybe it's just hopeful thinking) that me taking action to see a therapist is an indicator that I am serious about resolving the issue one way or another. Maybe she fears the alternative if she doesn't step up to the plate.
BTW the elliptical trainer is in place. As she was setting it up she needed to enter her weight. It was the first time I saw what her weight was...she has a tough job ahead of her getting back to a healthy weight. I have no doubt that if she is committed and loses the weight it will improve her general health. I don't know if the libido will get a boost at the same time. I frankly doubt it because the state of SM has persisted much longer than the weight and health issues. We will need to address the emotional issues as well as the health.