I Don't Feel Loved In The Same Way That I Love.I'm really not good at writing things down.
I feel like I am complaining when others have more to complain about. I can't help the way that I feel.
We have been married 20 years and I love my wife. If I didn't it would be simple.
Because of events in my wife's past she has never been very comfortable with sex except for the very early days when we were dating.
Sex has really always been a problem. There are some health issues too and we have very busy lives. I have to work away from home quite a lot.
We have been to seek external help in the past on two different occasions. It did help for a while. I guess I was naieve in thinking that if I am understanding and patient with her that over time her love for me would help her overcome the events of the past.
The longest gap we have had between sex was about two years.
There were a couple of years where we might have actually managed once a month. When we do manage to get intimate with each other we are very open and adventurous but over the past 6-5 years it has just become so less frequent.
My wife obviously does not have the same level of lebido as me. Her need is aparently quite low. Her need effectively dictates when it can happen and how. My need varies. Sometimes it doesn't bother me all that much and other times I can tell that I feel consumed by the need. When I am feeling a real sexual need sex is always in my mind.
I have tried all sorts of things in the past. I have tried to do things to arouse her. I always make sure she has a good climax and is satisfied when we do manage to get together. I have tried letting her take the lead and initiate.
About 15 months ago a close friend of mine died at a time when I was feeling hopelessly unloved and it coincided with a spell of having to work away from home. I became quite emotionally upset and was really fed up with everything.
One of the long weekends that I managed to get home, I sat down and told her all about how I really felt. I had tried to keep a lot of the frustration from her because I know she feels guilty because she cant do what I need as much as I want. I was honest. I told her that I had been feeling like there is no solution and the thought of having an affair was there. I never did have an affair but I couldn't say that I wouldn't have at the time if there had been a willing woman around.
She was much more supportive that I expected. She said we should try to do more and she would try to make an effort. Working away doesn't help but I get home every few weeks. Sometimes for a week or two. She suggested that we could maybe use a couple of webcams while I was away. I bought her a handy little notebook PC so she could take it to bed with her.
Things have been very stressed and strained since then. Not all to do with sex. Working away leaves my wife and daughter with a lot to do as we have a small farm. She gets quite tired. She isn't all that well quite a bit of the time. She suffers from allergies and intolerances. It doesn't matter how little she eats she cant stop putting on weight so there are a lot of complications. In the ast 15 months or so I think we might have been intimate maybe four times.
I was at home for a month over Christmas to try and take some of the workload away from her. I am now trying to work away for a couple of weeks and then at home for a couple to try and help but the whole situation just seems to be going backwards again. She flirts with me and makes promices on the phone but things just never seem to happen when I am there.
I know she loves me in her own way but I am feeling emotionally drained. I crave the intimacy. To me sex, apart from being good fun, is an ex
Why am I saying this, Im not really sure.
Maybe just to vent it. Maybe because I don't know what a 'normal' relationship is.
Maybe because there are other people out there feeling the same.
Maybe because I don't like the grumpy, needy, one track minded person I am turning into.
I try and pretend it doesn't matter, I try and be understanding but the truth is, it does matter.