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My Wife Doesn't Touch Me...

Been married for 11 years to a woman who has only initiated sex a few times. For a long time, I ignored that little issue because she would always fully participate if I initiated anything. But it has gradually gotten to the point where she doesn't even respond if I try to initiate something. She likes to read at night, and when I try to get her interested in intimacy, she basically ignores me and keeps reading. I practically have to grab the book out of her hands. Keep in mind I'm attractive, fit, exercise daily, and even shower before bed. Most women would find me appealing, but apparently not my wife. A few months ago, I finally decided "screw it" and gave up trying to be intimate with her, or even touch her. I've even been sleeping in another room, but that is mostly because our bed is hurting my back, and the new one hasn't arrived yet. Honestly, I'm enjoying sleeping by myself. Instead of lying there wondering why I'm sharing a bed with a woman who won't even touch me, I can just focus on sleeping. It's been refreshing. Anyway, I feel like it's not worth exerting the effort anymore, so i just wack off every day, and don't even bother trying to initiate anything with my wife. Now that I've put the breaks on initiating things, we could probably go 30 years without ever having physical contact again. I really don't know if this is even fixable. When I have tried to talk about this stuff, she just gets defensive, then changes a little for a few days, then it's back to the same thing. I just don't get it. I wish I could snap my fingers, be divorced and living by myself. It's so ridiculous, because I have a lot to offer. I'm clean, fit, attractive, am a great cook, an exceptionally good dad, nice, own my own successful business, etc... I mean if I was abusive, smelly, or mean, I could see it, but as it is, I just can't figure it out. It's like I have a roommate who doesn't want to have sex with me, and I can't have sex with anybody else.
ProMusician ProMusician 46-50, M 77 Responses Mar 18, 2012

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wow i have the same problem. my wife however says she loves me and that she desires me but i never see it. as a matter of fact she will only say it if i ask her about it so maybe she doesnt really feel that way. the thing is that when i hear it i get bothered because i know ill be sleeping on the floor next to the bed shes on. this is a stupid problem. i cant devorce her because we have 3 kids together and i dont want them do deal with that.

When one is smeely, abusive or mean women flock to love you. Unconditionaly.
Women got to the point that their single goal in life is to snag a good man- a clean, hard working, good father/husband combination. Once that goal is achieved the job is done and they can finally "retire". So off course a man is lucky if he gets anything back, anything at all.

Im sorry but, from personal experience, I have yet to meet a woman who is interested in a man for the man itself. They always, without exception, have a master plan behind their 'love & friendship'. Most of the times the plan will obviously include money and comfort as the reward, other times it could merely be some sort of logistical support. Either way always look at women as a casino. No matter what you do and how you play it - the house always wins!

Hi,I feel for you.i am having same problem maybe worse,my wife won't come near me,I've never kissed my wife.i sleep in another room also,my wedding day she went to sleep 7pm.feels like the flat mate scenario,have recently learned she is a prostitute.now I know,why she has no feelings for me,when she has other men in her life,I feel like iam dying inside,heart broken.i think I made a huge mistake,am I to nice,that someone could think they can walk all over me,she comes and goes no hello no good bye,any one have a thought on this issue.thanks

Man...that sounds like I totally wrote that..word for word...it's so frustrating and I love my wife but this
SUCKS!

I'm not a man.but I'm in kinda in the same position this guy is in.i just need a little advice. Me and my guy have been together for 12 years.and he's just not interested anymore. I have tried and basically done everything in and out of the book.hes willing like once a month..and I'm sorry but I need it at least once a day....what can I do???

lisa: You can't make someone sexually desire you. If you have to beg, plead, manipulate or explain to get your spouse to make love, he does not and probably will not love you like you desire. If in the past, you had a good sexual relationship, he may be having an affair now. You can't change him. You can take steps under your control that would make your life happier. You can choose to stay and be celibate; stay and outsource with or without his permission or you could leave him.

Since you have tried everything, your options are to either leave him, and the sooner the better, accept that you will spend the rest of your life only having sex once per month at most, or stay in the marriage and fill your needs elsewhere (with or without his knowledge). Leaving is indeed a risk - life has been filled with all sorts of surprises since I got divorced. But, I took the gamble that ultimately I would find happiness. At least it is a possibility now.

I saw your post months ago and know that you are not alone. I'm in a similar situation and it's very degrading. Sadly, many women don't realize the nasty negative effect it brings upon their man. I hope things are getting better for you.

I know the feeling well, my wife is just the same, we slept in separate bedrooms for almost 15 years until I asked her if we were going to get back together on the eve of our 40th wedding aniversary, things were OK for 6 months but now she no longer wants to be touched. where do women get these victorian views from.

I know the feeling well, my wife is just the same, we slept in separate rooms for 15 years, now we sleep together but she still will not let me touch her nor she touch me..

9iangrant: Your wife was able to hold onto her "Victorian views" because for 15 years, you were willing to sleep separately and to be sexless. She knows that you're not likely to leave her, so she will continue her behavior. She has the marriage she wants.

Hey, What is your recent update? I can feel your pain man. Its the same situation i am in now.

Latest update is that I've been divorced about 2 years now, and I'm on very friendly terms with my ex and in fact spent Christmas eve with her and her boyfriend, my daughter and a few friends. I have done a lot of dating - probably met about 30 women in the last year. I haven't totally clicked with anyone yet, but I keep meeting new women and having fun. It's kind of hard to find an attractive fit vegetarian woman who is really fun and nice, and has the sex drive to match mine. But I'm having fun searching for her.

It feels good to know that your life has not been affected by divorce. I have this guilt conscience regarding this divorce thing. I am trying to overcome it. Best wishes for your life!!

This is exactly my experience with my hopeless girlfriend. We have been together for 5 years and every month that goes by just seems to worsen the situation. She refuses to touch me, she looks me with hateful faces all the time and she keeps trying to leave but she can't seem to stay gone for longer than 2 days. We have a few small businesses/Internet services we do together so this makes it even harder to separate. I am completely miserable. She tracks everything I do. She's overly jealous about everything. She doesn't even care to touch me or hardly even talk to me unless it's about work so why does she care so much? The extent of her tracking and jealousy is far beyond what any normal man could withstand. The only reason we are together Is our work position. I get sick every time I hear her voice and see her face. Every cough, every slam of a cabinet every peep from her makes me hate her even more. I wish I never met her.

1. Try relationship counseling first. If that doesn't make a HUGE difference then:
2. Get a separate bank account and have the correspondence sent to a private mailbox, 3. save some money up and find a lawyer to help split out the business.
4. Flush the ***** and get a restraining order. You are too good for her and there is someone out there looking for you.
***5. Get back out there and in the game, my friend. You deserve better, and it will be worth it in the end.

Man its like were the same person lol. Its sucks man i get attention from every women but my wife i take care of my wife an ima great dad i even raised the kid she had bfor me. Bfor we got married whenever i had a hard on she was taking care of me soon as we got married idk what happen mined u im only 30yrs old so i feel like this is crazy im goin thru this already we been together 9yrs married for 3 an im about to give up its really like i have a women roommate that doesnt pay bills an i cnt touch until shes ready whenever that is iv tryed talkn to her damn near beggin her now im at the point were im givin up she asked earlier today do u wana have sex i told her im ok u can finish doin whatevr you doin an i meant it i think im becoming unattracted to my wife because shes rejected me so much

feeling you pain man. sounds like i wrote this myself well i think i wouldn't have shared the ************ thing but yeah i get it .. i hope someone else knows how to fix this.. I'm close to getting a divorce if something doesn't change soon.

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Here is an update. I have been divorced for about 20 months, and my ex moved out about 14 months ago (yes we lived together for a while after the divorce). My ex and I get along really well now, she lives 4 blocks away, and we share custody of our 14 year old daughter. My ex has been dating one guy very seriously for about 7 months now, and I'm happy to see that she is happy. I dated a woman for about a year, but that was an unbelievable roller coaster with all kinds of plot twists and crazy experiences worthy of it's own story. It left me emotionally damaged a bit. Since that ended, I have been meeting and dating a lot of women (made much easier by the fact that I got myself in the best physical shape I've been in since age 17 with lots of running, weight lifting and healthy eating). I have 3 women I hang out with platonically, one FWB who is fun and a sex maniac but WAY too young for me, plus a never-ending stream of new women that I meet. I am enjoying meeting new women, and I guess my hope is that I'll eventually REALLY click with someone. I'm not trying to sleep with a bunch of women, in fact I try to avoid that because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. Meanwhile, I am meeting some really cool people and learning about myself. I am still adjusting to being single and learning how to be alone and not lonely. The nights that I don't have my daughter are still tough unless I have scheduled time with friends or a date. Overall, getting divorced was the correct move for me and my ex, but it's not like life is 100% joyful post-divorce. I have had times of extreme loneliness and some depression, but those times are getting less frequent and less intense. I am learning to enjoy my freedom and down-time, working on forgiveness, learning to love myself, and trying to live in the moment.

I see it'is late already.The problem wasn't in you, frankly, I think the problem was, that women usually wait for a prince, and after some time they get bored.They just lose their ilusions. Reality comes, and they have unreal expectations. In other words, I would say, that they are selfish, always wanted their husbands take care of them and of sex.Those, who are guilty are their fathers, who brought them up like something special, but they are just common human beings.

I feel your pain... I am married to a loving wife who has no interest in seducing me, & would rather we not have sex at all if she has to work at it. I make her *** with my fingers, & vibes, but she has 0% interest in stimulating me. Spouses forget that sex is a 2way street.

That's how spouses become ex-spouses.

I agree...with all of you poor men out there suffering under this unfair state!

Below is a long one....I find it therapeutic to write this out and perhaps it may help someone else.

Its in the marriage contract..it is in fact a wife not living up to her end of the relationship agreement. I work 60 hours a week and provide complete financial support for her and the kids (to a high level). As I work from home I do just as much to take care of the kids and our properties, cleaning, cooking ect, all about 50/ 50 there if not me doing more on that end.....because frankly I am better at it/ have higher standards of how a house should be run. She does not work and as we will get into is disincentivized to work.

I feel my wife is simply not pulling her weight in our relationship....Women do not understand the importance of this to men because they are different animals and have different priorities / biology. For a healthy man its one of the most important reasons why he is with a women and does all the unequal heavy lifting in the relationship. As mentioned it has deep seeded evolutionary biological and psychological impacts to a man....and women are stupid not to understand this especially if they had to count on a man for survival like they used to (not now with the inequality in the divorce courts). I think women use to understand that when you **** a man really well and make him feel like a man he goes out into the world and becomes more successful....to her benefit. Not the same incentives now with the way the unbalanced systems works.

If we are doing our part and pulling our weight in the relationship (not being abusive, being a good husband, help with domestic stuff, doing our financial duties and more....and most men in this situation have tried everything to be a generous lover....if you have not that is definitely the first step if you are doing everything else....if she is not cuming and she is healthy she is looking for someone else who is going make her *** ) and a women is not doing her part then she is breaking the contract....in a cruel and unusual way....in fact in most states that have fault divorce that is a strong grounds for divorce.

Here is the problem: If you are the primary earner...like most men....you are ****** in this un equality legal system. Your wife has a financial incentive to not only not **** you or care about you but to divorce you because she can get court ordered money/ turn you into a slave for the rest of your life while she goes out and ***** whoever she wants. All the benefits of the contract and non of the responsibility. Chris Rock had it right...."during the marriage (or probably the first few years before divorce) I became accustom to getting ***** 3 times a week" So the wife should be court ordered to come over and **** you 3 time a week after the divorce so you can live at the same standard...wouldn't that be funny!!!

Really the courts don't give a **** about women either its just the government using the law to keep women and kids off welfare / costing other people money....fair enough....if I got myself into the contract I have some responsibility...certainly to my kids. However as my wife had zero contribution to my career or success and did not sacrifice anything in the relationship. Then I should get the kids because I can take care of them financially and she should be out on the street because she broke the contract..... But that does happen (its use to be standard in divorces however) in the this unfair /unequally system....until their are proper reforms....and that is the big problem in this country that ***** up lot of marriages....Its always the women who wants the divorce..because she is usually incentivized by the system to get a divorce..if women had more to loose they would be doing their jobs in the relationship and sucking their tired overworked husbands **** like they were going to lose their housing if they didn't....because the are!!!!

This is why my stock advice to the young successful men that I mentor and work with is make sure that you are not going into a marriage that you think that you will be the primary earner during the marriage with out proper legal protect....e.g. an iron clad prenuptial....or better yet why even get married if it is not in your advantage to do so....its just a crazy life ******* legal contract!! Like all contracts they are not legal unless both parties benefit....if there is not a strong benefit for you....don't do it and if a women wants kids make her sign a contract protecting your rights. If a women does contribute to the success of the common house hold and sacrifices earning potential by taking care of the kids then...that should be considered but I think more and more Men are doing it all....60 hours week at the job...taking care of kid and doing house work...this is because most women have careers....they just don't make as much money....so the man still gets ******....off course not literally:)

All that being said....the fact is that it is cruel and unusual for a man to have to live in this way....and shameful of the inequality in the divorce courts to force good men who live up to their end of the contract to suffer because of the huge life crippling financial consequences...A 30-40 year old women who has 2 kids, a house and court ordered payment of $10k per month for the rest of her life, and is ready to start ******* again, is a lot more attractive when she is back on the market then the poor guy who's ego she killed over 10 years of mental cruelty who now lives in a studio apartment paying 40% of his salary to some *****! No wonder suicide is so high in that male demographic. Sometimes the ***** got to die! another Chris Rock-ism

I have just been upfront with my wife and very open about it.....I talk about my feelings with no anger...I told her how deeply it was hurting me and effecting every part of my life and career......and she did not seem to care....which is the way most women are when you tell them this.....That is women...period. No incentive, no change....they will only change if they will benefit from it or be harmed.
Don't believe this whole media driven dogma about the stoic wife who suffers through unending thankless drudgery while the lazy husband sits on the couch, watching TV, making messes for her to clean and then does not understand why his wife does not want to **** him....That sure as **** is not my relationship...or any of my many male friends who suffer under this situation. I do more around the house, I am a better parent and I lick ***** better then she could every imagine sucking a ****. Fact is she does not deserve me...but she has me by the balls on this primary earner unjust legal system.

Here is want I am / doing/ thinking of doing....perhaps this could work for many of you who are in a similar situation......

Steps:

1. Be an ideal husband living up to your end of the contract.or continue to.

2. Be nice and respectful to her as you would anyone especially the mother of your children...don't let your deep seeded anger show...not yet anyway. You have already talked to her honestly and openly about it and she has not changed... so there you have your answer. Now you need to be the man and take charge of your problem.

3. Take care of your self and get your self in the best physical and mental condition you can..You are thinking about your self now....like you would if you were single. Put all your time into your career and your kids because she had her chance. She will notice this and will be worried when you start looking and acting better.

3. Do not touch her or give her any physical affection that she does not initiate. Let here know that you are high value and that she needs to work for your affection and that there are other women that would do so as well. Your not just giving it away anymore like some fool. Treat her like you are dating her.. give her a sense of mystery on how you feel about her....tease her playfully....do not in anyway show her that you are needy for sex or threaten her that you will divorce her if she does not change. Your attitude should be: if you don't want it then I don't want you! If this goes on for more then a year and you are both healthy sexually then the relationship is toxic and you need to get out... continue on the steps below. However there is a chance that she may get horny for you again and if she initiates sex then you need to make sure that she **** first before you **** her and get what you so desperately need....e.g. use your tongue (quick tip: start feather lite until she starts to want more/ pushes her ***** towards your tongue... then draw the outline of all the letters of the alphabet on her **** with your tongue... at least 5 minutes, react to her body). If she continues to initiate sex of starts to playfully touch you then keep making her *** and she will keep coming back....but reject her every once in a while when she wants its ......let that ***** know what she put you through.

4. Get out of any joint credit cards
5. Sell off any assets you can and hide the money in an offshore corp account. down size your living situation. If you have control over the finances then tell her your company downsized your job and you are making less and need to sell the house....get into a cheap apartment if you can. If you are self employed you need to work with an accountant to minimize the income you bring home/ on your taxes for a few years.
6. Loose your job if you can afford it and live off you assets for a year or so...selling anything that you can to pay bills. In the process downsize you life. Make sure you have a couple tax returns showing this down sized life.

6. keep a journal of all her negative behavior. Getting her to send you nasty emails is very effective save all of it. If she is ever yelling at the kids or doing anything like it record it secretly on your phone and save (If she is not ******* you believe me she is planning to **** you and this is what her lawyer that she is secretly meeting with is telling her to do)

7. Get a good lawyer and Fill for a divorce...This is to your advantage to file first and state reasons that have an effect on the children's lives....like she abuses them and you..you can make up anything you want....does not matter and will only benefit you ....try and then work out a settlement with her (out of the courts but made legal by the court) and pay the minimum that you have to. You are much better off financially if you can get custody of your kids and then latter agree to allow her some kind of joint custody on your terms. Plus you will need time away from the kids for all those women who just got out of **** marriages that are desperate to find and **** a decent guy like you.....Ironic and kind of stupid right?...Hey but it was not you that brought about the stupid inefficient situation....it was your dumb selfish wife and the system.

I'm mid 30's, happily married, 3 kids...and tired myself. I would say I still got some game, looks and build. My times at home dropped also....we fight about it sometimes....but as long as I stay communicative with her as opposed to shutting down, it works itself out. She is tired, kids r crazy, fun, but crazy. The problem is that us tough guys are more sensitive then we want them to know, hurts male confidence and libedo....all this questioning ourselves. I feel like I am not as aggressive with my wife, like passionate aggressive. Try one time to set the mood then don't ask or say a word, go get it guys....she wants it....she just wants passion when she is not too tired. I am guilty not doing this....it is hard to be rejected by someone u feel should never do so. Stop wracking it and cheating....she can tell your not as hot and on it as you should be because your handling business yourself and not letting her do her God given mother nature intended job!

PS I know the first thing us men do when not satisfied at home....Internet ****....we think it will help and maybe get us fired up to be that passionate guy....wrong!!! It does opposite in longer and short term....Our sexual ideas and concepts are totally skewed to what we see these girls. Great example....you see chick on **** sucking dudes nuts and think "see baby....that's what I want u to do", next day your looking at her after and start tthinking less of her. Maybe not all of us but some of us.

Reading about all you guys out there who love your wives but who no longer have sex is like reading my life story. I've been married for over twenty years. For the first six to seven years, we had great sex -- usually three times a week or so on average -- sometimes more and sometimes less. We ended up with three great kids. Then, about seven to eight years into our marriage, she began to have flashbacks to being raped as a child. She went through therapy and after a while, things got back on track. Then every so often she'd start freaking out again... so I'd cool my jets and go back to sleeping on the couch or in another room. I didn't want to hurt her emotionally by touching her physically. But man... I missed having the wonderful physical and emotional release and intimacy found in making love.<br />
<br />
At one point we went through marriage therapy, which helped. But it was rocky at the start. During one of our first sessions, I reached out to touch her and she instantly pulled away. During those discussions I mentioned the lack of sex. She thought we were knocking the ball out of the park by having sex once or twice a month. For a while our sex life picked up... but then it diminished. That was four or five years ago. Now we haven't had sex in six months or so. <br />
<br />
I am a religious guy and don't believe in cheating. But I can see how men can get caught up.<br />
<br />
A few months back I ran into a former coworker -- an attractive but certainly not stunning single woman. She reached out to hug me and before I knew it, I was holding her very tight. I freaked myself out and let go. She was clearly taken back by it - not knowing how to react. I was embarrassed but tried not to show it. In holding my former coworker so closely, I realized how much I missed just being held. I was like a starved man on a desert island. <br />
<br />
I don't want to cheat and I can't see getting divorced. I love my wife and kids... but I am very, very lonely, and starved for physical affection. I sometimes see single women at church and wonder if I could fulfill their physical and emotional needs as they fill mine. But that is recipe for greater sadness - I have enough regrets without adding more.<br />
<br />
So, as ProMuscian said, I have a roommate who doesn't want to have sex me, and I can't have sex with anybody else. What a sucky situation.

" and I can't have sex with anybody else."
You can, but choose not to...

Im with my wife amd I've been married for three years it was great infect lll irk a ***** star I have sex with my wife like no other my x is scorned and told her we had a afar and she ****** that all up I tryed everything to bring it back only x will do it I dont even need the **** im a cable guy I have girls hit on me every day I won't cheat I have caught her sending pics and **** we split up ****** in the truck amd I loved it I really felt a bond I love that feeling its like she my drug and now I lay in bed and thank dam your sexy why so I take a shower to get my happy place sucks so now wile she smokes weed and then a cig **** it I drink a beer to calm me and then go to sleep cant talk avout it she ses im going to talk to someone I dont I just want the feeling back PLEASE HELP

The hardest thing is what it does to your feeling of self worth. All you want to do is be close to this person that you have fully given yourself to. Rejection is a horrible feeling. It's soul destroying. I have been in this situation for the better part of 17 years. I like most have tried everything to improve it. However it remains the bane of my existence. I cant bring myself to leave because I cant hurt my kids that much. We don't fight and get along well but at this point all I want to do is leave her and find someone to be happy with. It's a form of cruel and unusual punishment.
I do realize where it comes from though. It's her mother. She has never fully let go of her and holds some sort of influence on her. Unless she lets her go and buts out we'll never be fully together.
In the meantime, I cant handle this ****.

I hear ya brother. ..same bull$hit here on my end. Plan is ditch the ***** when last kid hits 18, but that's 12 years off for me. I've cheated several times and will always reserve the right to cheat if I'm in a sex less marriage. ..I never signed up for this, if she wants to hurt me that bad then f her, there's plenty of pu$$y out there. No guilt. At all. Period. Still considering separation and divorce sooner, biding my time with a drug habit. That way if I accidentally kill myself before my situation improves viola instant improvement. Or I find a girl that treats me right and takes care of me, I mean seriously is that too much to ask from your goddamm husband? I know other women would KILL to be married to an attractive, smart, healthy, nice guy like me. Senseless

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Glad to see I am not the only one, but I had the feeling this was common, it seems to be that getting married is the worst thing you could ever do and an end to any happiness in your life.

My wife was a very affectionate person when we first met, now she cannot bear me to even touch her. She sleeps as far away as she canon the other side of the bad, back to me at all times. If I touch her, she will virtually fall out of bed to get further away.
I am a very affectionate person so this is both mental and physical torture for me, the complete lack of love/affection bothers me far more than the sex.

We have 4 children, most of which were not intentional and arose from those very rare occasions where she felt horny (usually drunk). Because we have 4 kids, no-one believes me, they think we must be doing it all the time.
I often think I would be better off by myself, without the mental torture, and it is only for the kids I don't get a divorce to be honest, what is the point being with someone who cannot bear you near them ?

I hear all the excuses about being too tired, too stressed, having no energy, yada yada, but I also work hard and I also have to look after the kids and I am usually far more stressed than she is, but it hasn't changed me, I am still as loving and affection as I always was when we got married, in fact she has made a point of telling me so many times I am still exactly the same (despite the lost looks of course).
So I don't believe the bullshit excuses.

I met my wife through work. I saw her across a room and instantly knew she was the woman I'd spend my life with. We dated, married a year later and had a baby daughter.

The pair of them are my life. Other than work, I'm a dad and husband. I love it.

My issue is this, and I can totally empathise with the first post. At first, she couldn't get enough of me. We would laugh, joke, fool around, love each other. Sex was regular, and always initiated by her, to the point I occasionally had to think just do it to satisfy her.

Anyways, she got pregnant, and we were over the moon. We decided to marry, had a fantastic ceremony in Italy.

Our daughter came, and it was amazing. Parenthood is fantastic. Obviously her sex drive decreased and I understood that.

However now, 6 years on, she will still cite that 'a woman's body changes after being pregnant' and that she is no longer interested in sex. OK, fair enough, but FFS SIX YEARS!!

I have tried all sorts. Sexual affection, non sexual, even just not asking (which resulted in 11 months with no sex, not even an advance from her, before I relented and said please!)

What gets my goat is that when I ask I'm told it's the only thing I think about, or I'm a 'perve'. She no longer even flirts. It's driving me insane.

Through all this though I genuinely love her to bits. If she does hold my hand, I still get that electrical feeling I did when we first got together. I would NEVER stray. I'd rather work through it, but a I had to release this somewhere (I have also written a letter to my wife detailing the same as I've written here, near as damn it) and knowing there's folk in the same boat is reassuring.

My wife told me: "I don't like sex". That was it. after 12 yrs of pretending she put a stop to any physical activity. She cant tell me why and refuses to do anything about it. Having a religious background means I have no avenue of release. I see more and more people with this problem. All the experts can do is give obviously stupid and selfish advice like: have an affair, do something to make her jealous, ********** frequently, or even rape her. yep. expert advice. where the hell did we go wrong?!?!

I have been married 34 years and my wife still has the same dull routine in the bedroom. I try to spice it up by touching a lot and she is not interested I even tried role play and dress up to spice things up and she will not be a part of it. I used to do everything possible to keep the time from a couple hours to now 45 minutes of sex even though I pushed through the pain of past injuries in order to please her. She gives very little in return and I am fed up. She has been in the work force 14 years or more and our agreement was that she pays for groceries and presents for family and that's it I pay everything else such as mortgage insurances taxes etc... I retired @ 55 and paid everything off on my own and never hire anything out so I have been a very busy husband and father of three. She still is working and never seems to have money and we get into big arguments over trying to do a budget w/her money so I gave up. If we get divorced she will get half of my retirement and she contributed very little and I am not sure what to do. Finally got her to pay her percentage of income taxes last year and it was tough to say the least.

I am another guy on same boat. 34 yrs old and 8 yrs of marriage. I can't think of even a single occasion my wife came to me. Now after the second child she doesn't even like me touching her. I am very healthy and sexually very active. It's just the kids stopping me from a divorce.

Holy crap - you've described my situation almost to a T except in my case she stopped after about 20 years of marriage. I'm going to read the other comments out here and if I can add anything I will. Thanks for sharing and good luck - we all need it.

I'm for one know what you guys mean.usually men get dogged on how women suffer in relationships but for the guys they pretend to be clueless not wanting to understand what we want. I think women are in love with marriage and the man comes second. Why do women say "I DO" then after they won't. How can she toy with marriage when you're bound before God. it's like spit in his face.Don't you find it funny how your wife can openly share intimate secrets with another women when she never said "I Do" to her. And the very one that needs to understand is you but to you its a secret and that information can be used to better the relationship. Have you noticed how you must constantly remind her you love her but you never have to remind her when she got hurt? Why do women hold tight to pain but love is loosely held and is easily forgotten. I mean how many times did she wake you up at O dark 30 and said remember when you said you love me? Go get happy friends. For those of you with kids its better they see you happy without the mom than miserable with her.

Dude 18 yrs. I thought after menapause It was suposto change for the better. But no sir got worse she went to girlfriend s house . Her plan was to leave me. Two weeks later . I called her told her I was taken thee ring off and she biged to come home so shebook could read that book in bed again but now she touches me and has a respect to. Guess it was not as easy as it looked out there. Good luck my friend hang in there

Dear ProMusician, that is the same that happened to me as I am 36 years old, Engineer and like what you described fit, clean and wealthy. Been married for 4 years and she lost interest few months after marriage, to avoid divorce and tension I even admitted to Chemical castration by consuming some hormone therapy pills to reduce my libido but unfortunately I lost my athletic look with few extra boobs and it changed a lot of my reactions became more emotional and aggressive until my doctor figured out and warned me of using it again.
So my friend I am back to my life knowing that such problem can be solved only by ************ or saving some extra change for prostitutes.

You just have to have sex with your wife any time you are in the mood, even if she isn't. It is all about Oxytocin. Be extra affectionate to compensate for her lack of affection. Don't take it personally. Wacking off is for single people. Married people should not wack off, unless the spouse is participating, as it ruins the bond between husband and wife.
Try to make sex more fun for her by investing in some bedroom toys, which you can pick up from amazon.com
Oh and compliment your wife for her sexiness and attractiveness very frequently as this will get her more in the mood. Oprah ran a show that the feeling of being desired is the real ****** for women. Google it.
A man must boost a woman's ego by making her feel beautiful, attractive and precious.
A woman must boost a man's ego by making him feel in control, possessor and attractive. The attractiveness is really a spirit trait. Make a game out of it, almost. Make a deal with your wife that any time one of you boost the others ego/spirit the other will reciprocate. It may feel fake and unnatural at first but it will become real after it becomes a habit, God willing.
There is no destroyer of marriage worse than shattered egos. Don't overboost nor underboost, however when boosting spirit, there is no limit. That is where happiness lies.
Good luck.

Not true - \"A man must boost a woman\'s ego by making her feel beautiful, attractive and precious.\" If you intentionally try to boost your wife\'s ego, she will see right through it. If you want great sex, you have to build attraction in your wife - that doesn\'t come through boosting her ego, it comes from becoming a leader. Your wife was attracted to you when you first got married, if she isn\'t now then along the way she lost respect for you. Don\'t be a doormat - take initiative, show genuine interest in her (not just her body), be an individual that she admires. See what happens - I think you\'ll be pleasantly surprised.

We are divorced now so I\'m not longer in a sexless marriage. :)

My wife has been doing this to me for several years. It has caused so much tension and resentement in the past and to a lesser extent in the present that I am truely sick of it and thankful I am becoming less and less sexually attracted to her. Its as if a spell has been lifted. I have been abused by a cycle of behavior thats so confusing. She has had me wrapped around her little finger. I even became interested in the whole femdom thing. A 6 foot plus muscular man has been abused by a woman!? Yes its pityful but true. Not boasting but Im a charming ( we all think so) good looking guy with a few flaws such as too big feet and a broken nose and a beer belly and spare tyre ( which i will be burning in the gym very soon ) and have women on the street, business etc smile and preen at me. No more daily bottles of wine or beers to ease the suffering. I will not punish myself anymore! I will not take it anymore! Now Im just going to let the wind take me where it does and enjoy. But Ive got to be careful because as a friend told me half the women who treat me like this are after guilt free divorces ( at least in their minds) cash, house etc etc.

Well everyone, here is an update. I initiated divorce, and not once did she argue that we should try to keep the marriage going. Not a word along those lines, which was additional confirmation that I made the right choice. We are now legally divorced, but living in the same house until the money gets sorted out and one of us moves. Things are amicable, but we had to come up with ground rules about what evenings we carve out for each other to go out if that person chooses to do so, while the other person stays home and does child care. As soon as word got out about the divorce, I had four different beautiful women express interest. Not totally surprising because I'm attractive, fit, nice, and very funny. I'm hanging out with one of them a bit, and the contrast between her and my ex is absolutely astonishing. This new woman is VERY affectionate, tells me I'm handsome (something my ex NEVER did), and makes me feel desired. She smiles when she sees me, and gives me long, sensuous hugs. I'm not getting married again (which is what every newly divorced person says), but oh how glorious it is to feel wanted and desired. Unbelievable. So everyone, there IS life on the other side of a dull/affectionless marriage - I'm living proof. Sure, it cost me over $100,000 to get out of the marriage, but I will recover financially, and it was worth every penny.

Good for you.
You sound happy. It's good to hear that you and your ex, seem to have a system that works for you both at the moment.
Considering that your ex. didn't make the divorce too difficult, it's a shame that it's cost so much financially.
Good luck with your new lady.

I'm another one. I want to tear up her library card. In our case, we have 3 boys who take up a considerable amount of her time so that leaves little for me. I keep trying to arrange an overnight trip for the two of us, but she always comes up with a reason why we can't. I feel like I did before I met her. I'm lonely. The difference is that back then, I had the option of seeing other women. I don't have any good reason to divorce her nor could I afford to really.We're both in for 50's. Two of my boys have disabilities, one might never be able to live as an independent adult. I'm worried that he'll always take priority over me and that my wife and I will never be able to be a "couple" again even in retirement. It's killing me. I think reading is an addiction every bit as bad ask smoking, drugs and drink. She won't quit her crappy low paying job at our church preschool and help build that next egg our son might need once we die. She just wants to read her books and watch PBS programs.

The less you get, the more you want it.
The less she has , the less she will want it.
She is conditioning herself to stay the way she is.

I was like her once, my husband was like you.

Not anymore, ( see my reply below ) , and i will never go back to that !
My husband would probably say i wear him out now.

The part where you talk about her reading in bed, and you grabbing the book off her ...reminded my of something my husband does to me ( sorry ..it's not the same for you )
He use to do this years ago , and i did it to him too.
He would move over to me , and start kissing my body , moving further and further down.
I would begin to put my book down , but he would say , "No , keep reading ".
So i would .....he just wanted to test how long i could concentrate and keep reading before i had to drop it off the side of the bed and grab hold of him.
We do this again now ....
Anyway , sometimes , when you BOTH love each other , things can turn around.

<p>Hello Guys.</P><br />
<p>I am on the same boat like most of you, somehow i blame myself for this problem, i always thought she would change but to no avail, seven years have gone by and she is the same, she could go by without a gesture of love for weeks on end without a care in the world. I had talked to her and even cried in front of her..yeah that's right cried out of frustration, then she changes for a couple of days and goes back to her cold personality nature...during the last two months we had sex two times I believe and lately I do not care anymore...I've grown tired of being rejected...I focus now on my kids..unfortunately this feeling carries over other relationships, I don't smile as often as I used too, I am angry most of the time, and there is always someone in my family asking me if i am ok. I had my share of many sleepless nights and see many more to come, I have tried everything...and I finally gave up...she is 29 and I am 35. I focus on other things now, I play the guitar, spend time in the Gym and play with the kiddos but this thing is always in the back of my head...and there is no doubt that happiness in the bedroom transfers to happiness on all areas in your life and I wish women realize this....So that is it for now...good luck and give yourself a hand ( not that kind though we have no choice) for sharing your story.</P><br />
<p>GS<br />
.</P>

Man! When you read through this forum there are ladies who write about loving sex and, being adventerous. Women who take the initiative. Women who love to rock the world of men. Who relish their ability to make a man feel like a man. Women who use a sexual imagination to enhance their's and their partner's enjoyment. We ALL need variety, spontaneity, along with quality and quantity. We read about women who love to wear sexy clothes and, to be daring, all because they have accepted and, embraced their role as a sexual being. We're ALL sexual beings so these contrasting wives who refuse to have sex, are not interested in pleasing their husbands are literally actng in an unnatural way. It's not normal. There is something wrong with her whether it's in their mind, (where all sexuality begins) or, there is something wrong with their body. If the spouse refuses to talk about his or her problems with their partner or with a professional, nothing will ever change and their relationship will go from bad to worse. What confounds me, is hearing people say that, their partner refuses to even talk about sex. No good can ever come from a lack of communication in a marriage especially relative to something so important to the overall health of the marriage including both individual participants in the marriage. Often times when the man is the sexual abuser he may have performance issues and refuses sex with his wife due to low testosterone. There are medications that can easily help with physical problems.We really feel for you folks who's partners don't want to have sex with you, for whatever reason. We see it as a cruel form of mental, emotional, and physical abuse.Mental abuse because it ruins a person's confidence and, lowers their self esteem. Once that occurs, he won't be as good a father, wife, provider, friend, husband, Christian, Jew, basketball pla<x>yer, musician, or lover. He wont be good for anything anymore. The lack of sexual fulfillment and enjoyment with his or her spouse will eventually become such a distraction, that nothing will take it away. Usually those people will try to find something else to take up their time as a distraction. ANYTHING for hours and, hours just to keep their minds off, not the lack of sex (though that is what they focus on) but on the "why" they have been rejected. The longer it goes on, the worse it gets. Of couse, many spouses wind up in the arms of another who is "normal" (enjoys sex) and, won't reject them as we have seen in some of the other responses.Emotional abuse because it hurts him very deeply to be rejected. I cannot say enough about that, because to reject sexual encounters with your spouse is not only to reject sex with them, it's a rejection of their entire being. His manliness. His character. His body. His mind. A rejected man, is a dejected man, who is more prone to depression, lower income, poorer health (mental and physical). The rejected man with no more confidence, has lost his place in this world of men since his woman has convinced him that he is not worthy to call himself a man. A woman who constantly rejects the sexual advances of her husband (or, never makes advances toward him) is literally destroying the man she loves. The same goes for the lousy men out there who reject their wives.Physical abuse, because healthy sex prolongs a person's life and, also improves the quality of life. Its a recorded fact that married people live longer than their single counterparts. I suspect that those numbers are scewed and, if we delved deeper into the numbers, we would find that rejected, sexless married men have a shorter life than their single men counterparts do. Healthy sex increases blood flow all through the body and decreases a chance for heart attacks and stroke. Good sex helps to facilitate muscle tone as well, for obvious reasons.My advice for the men and women out there who are living in a sexless abuse situation is to immediately attempt to rise above it. Do all the things that you need to do in order to become more sexually attractive. We all know what those obvious things are. Start to get in better shape and excercise more. Stop smoking, drinking, using drugs. Get a different hair cut. Buy some new clothes. Have your teeth cleaned. Practice better posture and hold your head up. Even if you don't feel confident, simply keeping better posture gives the outward impression of confdence when other people see you. They have no idea whats going on inside your broken heart but, that, doesn't matter.Try to speak more intelligently. Whatever it is that you know deep down might make you less attractive, do just the opposite. Reverse it. Your spouse has already made all those things considerablly worse so now, you have no desire to be attractive.Change that. Some is your fault but, not all of it. What matters is you countering and reversing all the damage your spouse is doing to you.Hopefully when the time is right you will find the person who will love you. All of you. Your mind, your body and your spirit. I wish you all the best.h

I recently read your story. Seems we are in the same pkace. Really would like to hear what i should do. I love him.....we arent married but living togerher for over a year. I have tried to talk to him. I love him. But it has beeb two years sine he put his hands on me. I love hi. But this
Is how iy has been. I an so ready for intimacy. What did you do

Very simple. Leave him. Sooner rather than later. It will not improve. Most certainly do not get married, because then leaving him will become a gigantic and potentially costly hassle.

I totally understand, people don't realise that this also happens the other way round too, I hardly get any affection/flirting/compliments etc from my husband let alone sex! To make it worse we have only been married for just over a year, I though this wouldn't happen for another 60/70yrs, feel very neglected and unwanted, none of my needs are being met and I'm craving attention

Crazy! I had no idea there were so many going through the same issue I have been going through. I have spent 10-12 yrs going through an affection-less marriage. Started around the time my first child was born. We now have 3 kids. This could all stem from a hormonal issue or past trauma I dont know about, but whatever the case I don't believe I will be around for the remedy. At this point, I have tried it all: Conversations, professionals, being supportive, focusing on my hobbies, sports, exercise, exercise, exercise, not pressuring, listening, loving the kids, helping the kids to be better people, helping kids with homework everyday, helping the kids with sports, not being needy, giving her time to herself any time she wants, always allowing her to go out with friends, watching the kids, doing chores all the time, doing my share all the time, bringing home a good salary, staying busy, stay in great shape, stay healthy, so on, and so on...Having read all of these comments it seems to me that there are very few resolutions to these issues. I haven't read one fix, one remedy, or one recovered message. No one has said, wow things were very bad but now things are great. I just want my kids to remain healthy and happy during an inevitable divorce. My children are why I have stuck with this as long as I have. If she doesn't want me, OK, sucks, but OK. I hope she can find a happy place with someone else.

Man, tough stuff!!

I AM an example of "wow ..things were very bad , but now things are great ".

I have not posted my story , but have replied to many .
My story was just like everyone else...My husband was the refused , and i was the refuser.
We have been together for 26 years , married for 20 last week.( 2 kids )

I lost interest in sex along the way...due to the usual stress that comes with having kids , work , illness and the death of a parent and parent in law, building a house, etc.
My husband was a damaged man , longing for my love, but i was so lost that i couldn't see that.
He finally snapped and said he couldn't do this anymore..was moving for a new job , not sure what he wanted with us anymore.
This was what i needed to wake me up...i was listening , but never really heard him until then.
I always loved him, i just forgot how to love myself.
I was angry at myself , but took it out on the ones i loved the most.
I had forgotten how important sex and intimacy was for me!
Very quickly , i changed , and rediscovered my sexual self.
That was more than 2 years ago.
I can't think of anything i'd rather do now, than spend time lost in each others bodies.
Of course we continue to have stress in our lives..sometimes things that are worse than what we have already gone through, but it doesn't impact on my sex drive like it once did.
I know that not every couple can achieve this again, but we did.
Just know , that it can happen !

Same song and dance here as all of you poor guys. I guess I didn't really realize how many of "us" poor guys there are out there in sexless/passionless marriages. Not too much I can add that hasn't already been said several times, but maybe my experience will bring comfort to other guys knowing they're not alone in these less than desirable relationships. I've been married 12 years and have one child about 10 years old. For me, the sex/no sex dance has been a part of my relationship since before we were married. I didn't know any better and went ahead and got married even though my gut told me not to. For the first 7 years of the marriage my wife was subject to HUGE mood swings and depression and she was admittedly a ***** to live with. From day one our sex life was extremely infrequent and seemed to always be a chore for her. She's not a big girl, but she is thick and always has been and has used size and personal image as an excuse to keep me at arms length all these years. She's told me so many times that once she feels better about herself physically, our sex life will improve. Well, waiting for her to do something about herself image and feel about herself physically is like waiting for the sky to fall (it's never going to happen). So she can always hide behind eating and body image. Since 2007 and a brief separation she has been on anti-depressants which have helped up to get along much better, but has probably made our sex life even worse. In the early years I didn't know how to control my sexual needs and did cheat on her up to 2005. I had a couple flings in 2007, while separated, so don't consider that cheating. To make a long story short I have not physically cheated on her since that time, but find our lack of intimacy a constant issue and I feel if/when the right opportunity comes up I could cheat on her again. As our child gets older I already see myself eventually leaving and starting over with someone who is not so physically distant and not so down on life in general. It's so hard to cram 12 years of marriage and sexual dysfunction into a paragraph, but I think all the guys in a sexless and passionless marriage get where I am coming from. One amazing thing that has happened over the last 3 months is I did meet a woman and have been having an online affair with her (Met here here on EP:). Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) she is on the other side of the country and has her own family and is in her own passionless marriage. I care about her a lot and hope/plan to meet her in person some day. Until that time, we are having a lot of fun online and have become as close as two people can from thousands of miles away. If any of you guys have the opportunity to have an "online thing" it can help with your sexual tension, but take it from my experience, what is supposed to be a purely sexual thing can quickly evolve to an emotional thing too, if you find the right person and have that chemistry. Taking that into consideration, when she and I do meet it will be a lot more than just sex and will create other issues we will have to deal with, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

I can't believe how common this problem is, this truly is a form of mental abuse. I've been married for eighteen years and I can't even count the times I've been rejected by my wife, it's beyond frustrating not to mention hurtful. I finally got to a point of resentment and started separating myself emotionally and physically from her, after some time she started asking me why I was so disconnected as if she had no clue to the damage she had caused. It was to late, my mind had wandered so far off that just talking about it felt exhausting not to mention a waste of time. It's not just about sex, it's about being desired by that person you love, when your desired you fell secure and confident, this builds trust and deepens that connection that we call love. Marriage can be an awesome experience if both parties have an unselfish heart and a desire to serve each other. I am sorry for all of you that are going thru this, I have spent many sleepless nights trying to make sense of my own situation. It helps for some strange reason to know I'm not alone, god bless all of you for sharing and I hope you can find peace in your situation however it works out.

Jumbocoloringbook, you are so right about the idea of desire. It is the idea that my wife doesn't desire me that hurts me the most. I hope life has gotten better for you and you wife!

The sad fact is most people are too lazy to work at relationships. Its easier to stick your head in the sand and do nothing. Worse yet, many women are wired very differently than us and dont understand nor care about our needs when the thrill is gone for them.

Truth is if they met someone else new that excited them they would have no problem with sex. I have several friends who confided in me that their wives had given up. Told there husbands "i just am not sexual any more. Sex isnt important too me. Its not you, its me" and in several of those situations the wife was sleeping with someone else.

Regardless of what any women says... intamacy is important to her. The sad fact for most of you men, is she feels it is gone and hopeless to try. You don't excite her anymore. So why bother...and if she isnt getting it elsewhere... she rather read, watch tv, sleep, shop, get a tooth filling. Anything but sleep with you :(

Which brings me to my point. Relationships without intimacy are no longer relationships. They are companionships. You are not friends> You are not lovers. You are companions. You may be parents.

Questions are, can you afford to blow it all up? How much will you lose? Will you be stuck in a apartment, condo, scraping buy to survive while she resides in the house you are stuck paying for? If that is the case... cheat until you get caught. Or better yet... dont get caught.

But whatever you do... dont marry again. This happens to half of all marriages. Odds are not in our favor.

I too live in this hell. My situation is only different in that i am a womam married to another woman. I am 32 and she is 10 years older.

We recently have been through a lot of hard times but have managed to get through them however there can be no denying that our relationship took a hit.

I have been starving for attention. I used to tell her all the time. I tell her i miss romance and touching. Now she does stuff like pat my head in the most unloving way one can. There is a difference in her touch. Now it is fake like she is going through the motions.

We have a 3 year old. I have tried everything. I got a steady and consistant job. I try givig her massages and foot rubs, i staryed cleaning an d taking care of the baby more. I initiated going to some relationship meeting.

I dont want tobleave cause the kid, but what else can i do ?

"Relationships without intimacy are no longer relationships. They are companionships. You are not friends. You are not lovers. You are companions."

I have never heard it put this simply and clearly before. That completely sums it up. How can some of these women that give their husbands no affection expect more than just companionship. I don't just want a companion and to not be alone. I want to be WITH someone. In all aspects. It is sad, but I have given up and admitted defeat. Just as many on here have. I will accept the love of my children and continue to be a good father. I will graciously accept the tiny little bits of affection from her when she might allow it. But other than that, I will just go about my business and learn to live my life and accept it.

Damn this truly sucks, I'm only 34, my wife is 30 and we only have sex about 3-5 times a year!! We have 2children ages 19months and 4years old and they are my world!!! We have been married for 6 years and this all started about 2or 3 years ago... She doesn't even come to me and kiss me when leaving nor does she tell me she loves me. Like many others, when I approach her about sex or even to talk about the problem she gives excuses and changes the subject.. She is from Brasil and and that is another big problem if we decide to divorce, what will happen to my kids?! I am not about to let her leave to go across sea with my kids and risk never seeing them again and that is one of the biggest reasons I have not divorced.. I still love my wife but I sometimes think its because she is the mother of my children... I don't want my kids confused and having to go back and fourth but this is not a marriage, more like roommates with 2little ones to raise and care for... I have nicer cheated and not about to but I do work ata bar 2 nights a week and trust me, it has come to mind many times.. WTF to do????

<p>The sad thing here is that you all want to change someone who does not want to change. We all know that you can not change a person. If someone does not love you than this is not love but a **** sandwich they are feeding you. I know marriage is not ba<x>sed on sex.But we marry someone because we want to grow together old. But apart of growing together is being loving back and treating the other as something to be valued and treasured.If your not getting love back your no better off than a caged animal. You get fed and you have your 4 walls in your cage. But once the caged animals is free its no longer trapped. You my friends are trapped and you have my understanding 100%. Because this is how I feel myself. I'm old enough to know when I'm being fed A **** sandwich and no one wants one because I don't like them either. Its not about you or me its about them they have issues with affection and closeness. If it was you- you would not be here like myself bearing your heart to the world. Look for someone who shares the same passions...Good Luck!</P>

I have a similar situation. It is very frustrating. At first I thought it was menopause and now that it is past, I realize it seems permanent. She gets angry when I try to discuss it and says to stop pressuring her and making her feel bad... so I am supposed to just accept a sexless marriage and help myself I guess. Of course, as my resentment builds, I have thought of other alternatives.

We must be kin somehow. The bed thing really hit home for me. Why lay there in hopes of something happening? At least if I am in a different room I am not tempted to ask for something I know I have no chance of getting. Been sleeping in front of the TV for years.
Lose my cool, get loud, make threats; things will be slightly better for a brief time. I've heard "I'll make it up to you" so many times, but my life will run out before she could possibly ever catch up.
I'm not unreasonable, I am thrilled with the smallest of actions, but these are just too few and far between. I'd be more than satisfied if I got 1% of the attention she freely gives to all of her other endeavors.
A starving man will savor every morsel of a stale cracker if that's all he ever gets.

I totally relate and just can't believe a 43 year old loses their desire for sex. I guess as much as I still desire and need sex I miss hugs&kisses a lil pat on the ....

I just found this forum last night and posted my story. I don't understand my situation either. I take care of myself and am obsessed with beauty. I know every one thinks we have a totally different life than we actually do. I don't want to take care of myself though. I want to be touched and wanted. I want my old life back.

Post this update as a new story so people will see it! It's a jewel!

I don't know how!

I AM getting the hell out. I initiated the divorce process, but it's going to take a few months. I am ECSTATIC by the idea of being single, and not having to be around her incredibly blah energy any more. Most of my music time has involved composition and recording in my studio, and editing recordings on my PC. She has never asked me to spend less time on music and more time with her, which should have been a red flag! She has never asked to hear anything I have composed or recorded, even though I have created some incredible stuff (according to everyone who has heard it). I can bring tears to your eyes with my electric guitar playing - but she's never even heard it, and has no interest in hearing it. In general, she has a complete and total lack of interest in anything about me. She is actually working on her own artistic project and while this might be a little passive aggressive, I have not asked her one thing about it. It doesn't matter because within a few months, we will not be married and will not be living together.

Well, we are splitting up, and I feel like I should have initiated this a long time ago. Ever since we talked a few months ago about our lack of intimacy, and my need for her to show even a molecule of affection, absolutely nothing changed. I then pulled back and our relationship deteriorated at an exponential rate, to the point that for the past few weeks, she wouldn't be in the same room as me. Well, now we don't even need to be in the same house. She is massively upset and depressed, which is a real joy to live with. It is now very complicated because she wants to stay in the house but could not possibly afford it, and I need to stay here because it contains a music studio I built for my work. I made her a very generous offer that is more than any mediator or even a lawyer would come up with. She will have no debt, and a big chunk of cash. I will have a mountain of debt, but I can pay it off pretty easily. Pretty good deal for her considering I've paid the mortgage and all bills for 12 years. But, I want her to be ok financially, so I'll make it happen. What a nightmare, but I am SO looking forward to a future filled with happy people, people who smile and laugh. And I won't have to come home to a wife who always looks like an atom bomb was dropped on her favorite city.

Good luck Pro. It must have been a really hard call. Better days ahead.

Tread your own path.

I am glad to find this site. I can identify with what you mean about the frustration and rejection one feels. The only difference with me is that I am the woman who wants to have sex with my husband and he is totally disinterested. We have not had sex for almost 4 years -been married for 10. I am an attractive woman and very playful - yet he has no interest in me at all. He brainwashed me over these dry years saying that love is not about sex and the romance is not all about sex. He says he loves me with all his heart and the sex problem will change as time goes on as he has experienced this disinterest in his past relationships. All the time assuring me that it will get better. I am so gullible and because I love him for all his other qualities, I thought I'd be patient (understatement). Anyway, 6 weeks ago, I noticed he was even more distant and I asked him if anything was wrong- he then said he wasn't sure anymore about how he feels about me. I've been such an idiot. He said he is confused and do not know how we can make it better (and he will not try anything at all to better the situation). and yet, he also do not want us to separate or divorce because he said it is too soon to know if his feelings will change. Please someone out there, tell me - it is time to wrap it up, right? No sex, no love? There must be a better life out there for me- I get guys hitting on me even if I am 52, I look good - but I do feel like I don't want to start again - I'm exhausted.

Dump him.

If she wasn't self absorbed she would know that not only biologically speaking but intimately speaking...men and women need that connection...im living the exact same nightmare...a wife that could care less about anything but herself and her needs...I can gofrom several days to several weeks without her touching me...even on the arm...it would be a miracle if she actually thought of someone else besides herself...living alone in a marriage is awful...we have tried counseling but that was fruitless as she refuses to acknowledge there are any issues that are not normal for marriages....anything to condone her action and inaction....everyone can holler out advice to you but in the end you've got to make the decision...just remember...if you ask to go to counseling and she show inaction or gives excuses...that is her answer...she doesn't value and respect your needs ....you dont need a clearly defined yes or no to understand that she could care less about your needs...hope that helps

Wow! I may owe Pro an apology then. I had said she doesn't love him, but she could be like Niecy... I'm a woman who is the opposite of that, so it's difficult for me to fathom.<br />
Intamacy is such a difficult thing when partners are on very different pages. All the best to you...I hope it's just a hormonal thing or something.

'wow' sounds like my life bro, I got one that works every time, it never files, here it is " walk out" then she will know your no joke. As of now she rules and that is that..

'wow' sounds like my life bro, I got one that works every time, it never files, here it is " walk out" then she will know your no joke. As of now she rules and that is that..

Everyone's comments have been extremely interesting and helpful. I'm going to talk to her about it, again, tonight. Should be a knee-slapping good time! The bottom line is I want both of us to be happy and fulfilled, I'm just not sure we can do that for each other. If we can, great. But many changes must be made to get there.

Hello, I just read your story and found myself thinking that, 'that woman is a carbon copy of myself'. I am married to an attractive, professional, and intelligent man and we have only been together (sexually) approximately 10 ten times in the past years; probably the same or less in the previous year. We used to have a very active and healthy sex life but then I just suddenly became uninterested. I don't know why, I have even seen an endocrinologist to check my hormone levels. I do find him appealing still but I just don't find sex that important anymore and I find myself finding excuses to not have sex so I guess it is a lot more than thinking it's just not important. He is very frustrated and I would not blame him if he left me but I am doing all I can to figure out the problem. At one time I did tell him to just leave me, or find a girlfriend and he would refused. What makes it worse for me, is that I am pretty attractive myself and so he ust wants to "try" to get me in the mood all the time. I don't like that at all. <br />
<br />
However, a bit of info for you, as I have told my husband...it has nothing to do with him so he should make it about "him" and think that I am not interested in him anymore. Maybe that is the way she is feeling. You should really try to talk to her again and maybe the two of you can try to figure out what to do or where to go from here. Good luck!

You are deluding yourself when you say you find him "appealing" and "attractive". It completely contradicts everything else you say about having no interest.

This sounds oh too familiar...only roles are reversed. I have never met a man besides my husband that is not interested in sex. It makes you feel like **** when they do not want to touch your or when you try they push you away. Anyone else every hear of a guy acting like that who is 100% straight?! I feel your pain!

OMG! Yes, there are apparently men out there who just don't need or think about sex. I have a plan to change things up. H agreed to come with me to a B&amp;B next week, and I am going to be very aggressive and in control. I am thinking this is something he wants- as he has rarely if ever been the one to initiate. He wants me to take control. He did ask me to pick up a prescription for him.... His magic pills. After 8 months, I am hoping for a turnaround.

Wow! Sounds exactly like my situation. I moved into our ba<x>sement (man cave) about 2yrs ago. After the birth of our last child, what little sex we had all but disappeared. This is my second marriage, so the idea of starting over AGAIN, scares the **** out of me. I'm seeing someone else now, and she has grown understandably impatient with me making the decision to leave. It's going to be tough, but I have to get out of this.

are you there for the childrens sake?<br />
you are a long time dead, you have one life so live it.<br />
sex and intimacy (i think) are two of the most important things in a relationship, it sounds like she is taking you for granted, everyone deserves some love.<br />
when and if the sex in my relationship dries out i know what i'll do... bail!

She was probably in ladydays ... Period lol

Wow! the story of my life! Same here, she refused so many times I got pissed and moved to the guest room. I slept better not having the frustration of the woman I love next to me and I am not allowed to touch. Defensive! oh my yes! She said some things that were very hurtful, and yet I know she did not mean them, she just wanted the conversation to end. Your right 30 yrs will go by, with no contact. She will pretend to be very happy while your going crazy. Somewhere in that time fr<x>ame resentment pops into your mind. Soon every time you see her that anger and resentment come bubbling out! I have been there, and I am living it today! <br />
All I can say is get some help! Soon. Maybe it won't help the marriage, but it should help you in dealing with it all. Why do some woman (and men) do this? Now that is the million dollar question, that has no set answer. <br />
I know I would love to ask my wife why. I also know she will never answer the question honestly. She will say some dumb *** comment like "I love you, I am just not in-love with you anymore" . I intend to ask one more time why she acts like she does. If I get the answer I expect, then I will have to say good bye. <br />
Good Luck!

I cannot believe how common this game happens to be. I can say my experience mirrors yours. I hate to obsess about sex and intimacy but it is something that I need in my life. Unfortunately, my wife, like yours would rather read and sleep than play with her husband.<br />
<br />
Maybe it is time for a new hobby.

My parents just split after 40 years of marriage. All because the real problems were never brought to light. My father said he was an in an unhappy marriage the whole time. Who would choose this? Its a shame they split but they are both now looking forward to better/happier lives ahead and thats all you would wish for anyone in life

A woman marries you, has a baby by you and then she turns off. Her world now centres on her baby. Been there man and suffered for donkey years. Its a **** deal but really they don't care.

She's probably not in love with you anymore. I'm sorry.

She's probably not in love with you anymore. I'm sorry.

I'm going to say something different. Your wife did at one time happily participate. Then you say her interest fell off over time. What did that coincide with? What changed? Is it the same when you go away together? Does she have a busy day so that reading is her way of unwinding and relieving stress so she can sleep. I know lots of women who work and run a family and they are just too tired for sex - which is not the same thing as an aversion to sex.

As for the roommate status. How many of you would give your paycheck over to a roommate? How many would cook, clean, and do a multitude of tasks for a mere roommate?

I did that with my wife. I literally labelled her just a roomate (after 3 months of no sex) and told her to her face. I stopped handing over my paycheck, and supporting her. I took back the luxuary car she liked to drive, and when all these realities hit her i told her and she questioned me as to why i had stopped supporting her, i said exactly the same thing. Tell me who else would keep supporting a roomate like that. Worked wonders. We were able to sit down and work issues out. So far so good. 2 months in.

Draw the line. You have moved out of the bedroom, albeit not entirely for the lack of sex. Relegate her to roommate status like you already are. Just let her know it.<br />
<br />
I hear you when you say you get resentful when she asks you to do things. I was the same. Completely got over the anger, but very resentful when expected to fulfil favours to my wife expected from a husband.<br />
<br />
Seek Out a Good Divorce Lawyer for Advice.<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Goodluck

It seems they only get worse.... How many years you are going to wait?

-----" It's like I have a roommate who doesn't want to have sex with me, and I can't have sex with anybody else."<br />
<br />
You DO have a roommate.<br />
<br />
And the other part - heck, why not?<br />
<br />
Might be worth exploring.<br />
<br />
Have an exit plan in place though.

if she only likes the thinks you provide for her make her earn her keep ?
Ask her to become a prostitute
mine is and our sex life never been bettter
may cost me money but im getting what i want

If your self-esteem can be decoupled from someone wanting to hump you, what you describe is a fairly stable and acceptable situation. She sheds uterine linings every month, you shed some extra cells from your glands every day, neither bothers the other with the details. And if you are not into humping, separate beds are actually healthier. And rest assured all this has nothing to do with being "abusive, smelly, or mean".

Then there will come this glorious day when something mundadne will trigger the realization....you no longer want her!<br />
find <br />
joyinthejourney

I thought the OP basically said that day is here.

I got that message too ulae...

hmmmmmmmm...verrrry interesting......but stupid

After the early years on our marriage my relationship mirrored yours. When I stopped initiating and waited to see how long it would take, ten years passed with no response. If you don't address this either attempting to find the root cause and fix it or pursue an alternate course such as a divorce thirty years will pass and you will find yourself in a SM on your deathbed.

Heya. I'm also a pro musician, ProMusician. A band and orchestra director here. <br />
<br />
Got a question for you: does she hate it when you practice? Mine did. <br />
<br />
My only advise is get the hell out.

She basically wants the material things you have given her, the appearance of normality to the outside world, but does not really love you or want you for YOU. She's perfectly happy, her needs are being met, while yours are not.<br />
<br />
Only you can challenge this very comfortable state for her, and the choices are not pretty. If you stay your resentment will grow and grow until you can't stand the sight of her. I know, I have been there.<br />
<br />
A lot of spouses believe they can change the sexual dynamic once they `have' you. They need to be reminded that this `having' is subject to certain conditions. The ones they vowed to carry out when they married you.

Your wife's problem is that she doesn't appreciate how lucky she is, does she? You could so easily be a wife-beater, or a verbal and emotional abuser. Or a burdensome wastrel.<br />
<br />
Somehow she has it within her to resist your undoubted charms. I wonder how that is? Has she ever offered any insight into that? And when you tactfully raise the subject all she does is get defensive for no apparent reason. That's just plain crazy! She needs to explain herself, doesn't she?<br />
<br />
What has cooking got to do with sex unless you are a Peter Greenaway fan? And you mention twice about being fit, clean, good-looking. I would have thought most of that was a minimum prerequisite, not the icing on the cake that clinches the 'sale'.

Check out food scene from 91/2 weeks...you'll never view food quite the same

I've seen the scene, not much else to recommend the film. "Food and sex" is one thing but "cooking and sex" is another. Although I have one friend who jokes about her commercial-sized hand-held food mixer doubling as a vibrator. Maybe it is something to think about but on the other hand I prefer to think about the right tool for the job.

So smiling at this moment in time : }

What a pompous tw@t you are. He's only letting us know there isn't an obvious reason, that he can see, for this situation. Of course some women leave their partners if they are abusive..and some DONT. All I can say to ProMusic is you are not the only one who experiences such a situation. My wife just switched off one day and doesn't bother to hide the fact that she no longer wan't to make love. When I suggest a divorce she doesn't want to know.

It is pretty obvious to me what his problem is. Oh, and yours as well. Whether you get it and deny it or just don't get it all I haven't a clue. No skin off my nose, after all. Shall I pout at your ridiculous insult?

2 More Responses

Quoting you here - "Now that I've put the breaks on initiating things, we could probably go 30 years without ever having physical contact again"<br />
<br />
You have identified your future in the event that you choose to do nothing.<br />
<br />
Are you up for that future ??<br />
<br />
Or not ??<br />
<br />
In the event of "not", then a limited array of different choices are open to you. They are a pretty sorry lot, and really come down to which is the least worst.<br />
<br />
Extensive reading in here would do you no harm. You'll see all sorts of things that will resonate.<br />
<br />
Then at some point you will do one of two things.<br />
You'll figure this is all too hard and give it up. (that's the case 8 times out of 10)<br />
or<br />
You'll figure that adopting some different choices might have something going for it.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Wow. I just read my biography. After years of being told "no" or "what do you want" every single time I tried to initiate something, I got fed up. I even told her I wasn't going to bother anymore. I tired 1000 remedies and no response. Tried talking to her. Nothing. Even those "no brainer" type events: anniversaries, vacations, etc. were no dice. So I quit. I usually sleep in separate room so I don't get frustrated. But here's the rub for me: I used to be mad. Now I don't give a damn, except when she wants something. Then I am resentful.

Wow. I just read my biography. After years of being told "no" or "what do you want" every single time I tried to initiate something, I got fed up. I even told her I wasn't going to bother anymore. I tired 1000 remedies and no response. Tried talking to her. Nothing. Even those "no brainer" type events: anniversaries, vacations, etc. were no dice. So I quit. I usually sleep in separate room so I don't get frustrated. But here's the rub for me: I used to be mad. Now I don't give a damn, except when she wants something. Then I am resentful.