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My Wife Doesn't Touch Me...

Been married for 11 years to a woman who has only initiated sex a few times. For a long time, I ignored that little issue because she would always fully participate if I initiated anything. But it has gradually gotten to the point where she doesn't even respond if I try to initiate something. She likes to read at night, and when I try to get her interested in intimacy, she basically ignores me and keeps reading. I practically have to grab the book out of her hands. Keep in mind I'm attractive, fit, exercise daily, and even shower before bed. Most women would find me appealing, but apparently not my wife. A few months ago, I finally decided "screw it" and gave up trying to be intimate with her, or even touch her. I've even been sleeping in another room, but that is mostly because our bed is hurting my back, and the new one hasn't arrived yet. Honestly, I'm enjoying sleeping by myself. Instead of lying there wondering why I'm sharing a bed with a woman who won't even touch me, I can just focus on sleeping. It's been refreshing. Anyway, I feel like it's not worth exerting the effort anymore, so i just wack off every day, and don't even bother trying to initiate anything with my wife. Now that I've put the breaks on initiating things, we could probably go 30 years without ever having physical contact again. I really don't know if this is even fixable. When I have tried to talk about this stuff, she just gets defensive, then changes a little for a few days, then it's back to the same thing. I just don't get it. I wish I could snap my fingers, be divorced and living by myself. It's so ridiculous, because I have a lot to offer. I'm clean, fit, attractive, am a great cook, an exceptionally good dad, nice, own my own successful business, etc... I mean if I was abusive, smelly, or mean, I could see it, but as it is, I just can't figure it out. It's like I have a roommate who doesn't want to have sex with me, and I can't have sex with anybody else.
ProMusician ProMusician 46-50, M 71 Responses Mar 18, 2012

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This is exactly my experience with my hopeless girlfriend. We have been together for 5 years and every month that goes by just seems to worsen the situation. She refuses to touch me, she looks me with hateful faces all the time and she keeps trying to leave but she can't seem to stay gone for longer than 2 days. We have a few small businesses/Internet services we do together so this makes it even harder to separate. I am completely miserable. She tracks everything I do. She's overly jealous about everything. She doesn't even care to touch me or hardly even talk to me unless it's about work so why does she care so much? The extent of her tracking and jealousy is far beyond what any normal man could withstand. The only reason we are together Is our work position. I get sick every time I hear her voice and see her face. Every cough, every slam of a cabinet every peep from her makes me hate her even more. I wish I never met her.

Man its like were the same person lol. Its sucks man i get attention from every women but my wife i take care of my wife an ima great dad i even raised the kid she had bfor me. Bfor we got married whenever i had a hard on she was taking care of me soon as we got married idk what happen mined u im only 30yrs old so i feel like this is crazy im goin thru this already we been together 9yrs married for 3 an im about to give up its really like i have a women roommate that doesnt pay bills an i cnt touch until shes ready whenever that is iv tryed talkn to her damn near beggin her now im at the point were im givin up she asked earlier today do u wana have sex i told her im ok u can finish doin whatevr you doin an i meant it i think im becoming unattracted to my wife because shes rejected me so much

feeling you pain man. sounds like i wrote this myself well i think i wouldn't have shared the ************ thing but yeah i get it .. i hope someone else knows how to fix this.. I'm close to getting a divorce if something doesn't change soon.

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Here is an update. I have been divorced for about 20 months, and my ex moved out about 14 months ago (yes we lived together for a while after the divorce). My ex and I get along really well now, she lives 4 blocks away, and we share custody of our 14 year old daughter. My ex has been dating one guy very seriously for about 7 months now, and I'm happy to see that she is happy. I dated a woman for about a year, but that was an unbelievable roller coaster with all kinds of plot twists and crazy experiences worthy of it's own story. It left me emotionally damaged a bit. Since that ended, I have been meeting and dating a lot of women (made much easier by the fact that I got myself in the best physical shape I've been in since age 17 with lots of running, weight lifting and healthy eating). I have 3 women I hang out with platonically, one FWB who is fun and a sex maniac but WAY too young for me, plus a never-ending stream of new women that I meet. I am enjoying meeting new women, and I guess my hope is that I'll eventually REALLY click with someone. I'm not trying to sleep with a bunch of women, in fact I try to avoid that because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. Meanwhile, I am meeting some really cool people and learning about myself. I am still adjusting to being single and learning how to be alone and not lonely. The nights that I don't have my daughter are still tough unless I have scheduled time with friends or a date. Overall, getting divorced was the correct move for me and my ex, but it's not like life is 100% joyful post-divorce. I have had times of extreme loneliness and some depression, but those times are getting less frequent and less intense. I am learning to enjoy my freedom and down-time, working on forgiveness, learning to love myself, and trying to live in the moment.

I see it'is late already.The problem wasn't in you, frankly, I think the problem was, that women usually wait for a prince, and after some time they get bored.They just lose their ilusions. Reality comes, and they have unreal expectations. In other words, I would say, that they are selfish, always wanted their husbands take care of them and of sex.Those, who are guilty are their fathers, who brought them up like something special, but they are just common human beings.

I feel your pain... I am married to a loving wife who has no interest in seducing me, & would rather we not have sex at all if she has to work at it. I make her *** with my fingers, & vibes, but she has 0% interest in stimulating me. Spouses forget that sex is a 2way street.

That's how spouses become ex-spouses.

I'm mid 30's, happily married, 3 kids...and tired myself. I would say I still got some game, looks and build. My times at home dropped also....we fight about it sometimes....but as long as I stay communicative with her as opposed to shutting down, it works itself out. She is tired, kids r crazy, fun, but crazy. The problem is that us tough guys are more sensitive then we want them to know, hurts male confidence and libedo....all this questioning ourselves. I feel like I am not as aggressive with my wife, like passionate aggressive. Try one time to set the mood then don't ask or say a word, go get it guys....she wants it....she just wants passion when she is not too tired. I am guilty not doing this....it is hard to be rejected by someone u feel should never do so. Stop wracking it and cheating....she can tell your not as hot and on it as you should be because your handling business yourself and not letting her do her God given mother nature intended job!

PS I know the first thing us men do when not satisfied at home....Internet ****....we think it will help and maybe get us fired up to be that passionate guy....wrong!!! It does opposite in longer and short term....Our sexual ideas and concepts are totally skewed to what we see these girls. Great example....you see chick on **** sucking dudes nuts and think "see baby....that's what I want u to do", next day your looking at her after and start tthinking less of her. Maybe not all of us but some of us.

Reading about all you guys out there who love your wives but who no longer have sex is like reading my life story. I've been married for over twenty years. For the first six to seven years, we had great sex -- usually three times a week or so on average -- sometimes more and sometimes less. We ended up with three great kids. Then, about seven to eight years into our marriage, she began to have flashbacks to being raped as a child. She went through therapy and after a while, things got back on track. Then every so often she'd start freaking out again... so I'd cool my jets and go back to sleeping on the couch or in another room. I didn't want to hurt her emotionally by touching her physically. But man... I missed having the wonderful physical and emotional release and intimacy found in making love.<br />
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At one point we went through marriage therapy, which helped. But it was rocky at the start. During one of our first sessions, I reached out to touch her and she instantly pulled away. During those discussions I mentioned the lack of sex. She thought we were knocking the ball out of the park by having sex once or twice a month. For a while our sex life picked up... but then it diminished. That was four or five years ago. Now we haven't had sex in six months or so. <br />
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I am a religious guy and don't believe in cheating. But I can see how men can get caught up.<br />
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A few months back I ran into a former coworker -- an attractive but certainly not stunning single woman. She reached out to hug me and before I knew it, I was holding her very tight. I freaked myself out and let go. She was clearly taken back by it - not knowing how to react. I was embarrassed but tried not to show it. In holding my former coworker so closely, I realized how much I missed just being held. I was like a starved man on a desert island. <br />
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I don't want to cheat and I can't see getting divorced. I love my wife and kids... but I am very, very lonely, and starved for physical affection. I sometimes see single women at church and wonder if I could fulfill their physical and emotional needs as they fill mine. But that is recipe for greater sadness - I have enough regrets without adding more.<br />
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So, as ProMuscian said, I have a roommate who doesn't want to have sex me, and I can't have sex with anybody else. What a sucky situation.

" and I can't have sex with anybody else."
You can, but choose not to...

Im with my wife amd I've been married for three years it was great infect lll irk a ***** star I have sex with my wife like no other my x is scorned and told her we had a afar and she ****** that all up I tryed everything to bring it back only x will do it I dont even need the **** im a cable guy I have girls hit on me every day I won't cheat I have caught her sending pics and **** we split up ****** in the truck amd I loved it I really felt a bond I love that feeling its like she my drug and now I lay in bed and thank dam your sexy why so I take a shower to get my happy place sucks so now wile she smokes weed and then a cig **** it I drink a beer to calm me and then go to sleep cant talk avout it she ses im going to talk to someone I dont I just want the feeling back PLEASE HELP

The hardest thing is what it does to your feeling of self worth. All you want to do is be close to this person that you have fully given yourself to. Rejection is a horrible feeling. It's soul destroying. I have been in this situation for the better part of 17 years. I like most have tried everything to improve it. However it remains the bane of my existence. I cant bring myself to leave because I cant hurt my kids that much. We don't fight and get along well but at this point all I want to do is leave her and find someone to be happy with. It's a form of cruel and unusual punishment.
I do realize where it comes from though. It's her mother. She has never fully let go of her and holds some sort of influence on her. Unless she lets her go and buts out we'll never be fully together.
In the meantime, I cant handle this ****.

I hear ya brother. ..same bull$hit here on my end. Plan is ditch the ***** when last kid hits 18, but that's 12 years off for me. I've cheated several times and will always reserve the right to cheat if I'm in a sex less marriage. ..I never signed up for this, if she wants to hurt me that bad then f her, there's plenty of pu$$y out there. No guilt. At all. Period. Still considering separation and divorce sooner, biding my time with a drug habit. That way if I accidentally kill myself before my situation improves viola instant improvement. Or I find a girl that treats me right and takes care of me, I mean seriously is that too much to ask from your goddamm husband? I know other women would KILL to be married to an attractive, smart, healthy, nice guy like me. Senseless

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Glad to see I am not the only one, but I had the feeling this was common, it seems to be that getting married is the worst thing you could ever do and an end to any happiness in your life.

My wife was a very affectionate person when we first met, now she cannot bear me to even touch her. She sleeps as far away as she canon the other side of the bad, back to me at all times. If I touch her, she will virtually fall out of bed to get further away.
I am a very affectionate person so this is both mental and physical torture for me, the complete lack of love/affection bothers me far more than the sex.

We have 4 children, most of which were not intentional and arose from those very rare occasions where she felt horny (usually drunk). Because we have 4 kids, no-one believes me, they think we must be doing it all the time.
I often think I would be better off by myself, without the mental torture, and it is only for the kids I don't get a divorce to be honest, what is the point being with someone who cannot bear you near them ?

I hear all the excuses about being too tired, too stressed, having no energy, yada yada, but I also work hard and I also have to look after the kids and I am usually far more stressed than she is, but it hasn't changed me, I am still as loving and affection as I always was when we got married, in fact she has made a point of telling me so many times I am still exactly the same (despite the lost looks of course).
So I don't believe the bullshit excuses.

I met my wife through work. I saw her across a room and instantly knew she was the woman I'd spend my life with. We dated, married a year later and had a baby daughter.

The pair of them are my life. Other than work, I'm a dad and husband. I love it.

My issue is this, and I can totally empathise with the first post. At first, she couldn't get enough of me. We would laugh, joke, fool around, love each other. Sex was regular, and always initiated by her, to the point I occasionally had to think just do it to satisfy her.

Anyways, she got pregnant, and we were over the moon. We decided to marry, had a fantastic ceremony in Italy.

Our daughter came, and it was amazing. Parenthood is fantastic. Obviously her sex drive decreased and I understood that.

However now, 6 years on, she will still cite that 'a woman's body changes after being pregnant' and that she is no longer interested in sex. OK, fair enough, but FFS SIX YEARS!!

I have tried all sorts. Sexual affection, non sexual, even just not asking (which resulted in 11 months with no sex, not even an advance from her, before I relented and said please!)

What gets my goat is that when I ask I'm told it's the only thing I think about, or I'm a 'perve'. She no longer even flirts. It's driving me insane.

Through all this though I genuinely love her to bits. If she does hold my hand, I still get that electrical feeling I did when we first got together. I would NEVER stray. I'd rather work through it, but a I had to release this somewhere (I have also written a letter to my wife detailing the same as I've written here, near as damn it) and knowing there's folk in the same boat is reassuring.

My wife told me: "I don't like sex". That was it. after 12 yrs of pretending she put a stop to any physical activity. She cant tell me why and refuses to do anything about it. Having a religious background means I have no avenue of release. I see more and more people with this problem. All the experts can do is give obviously stupid and selfish advice like: have an affair, do something to make her jealous, ********** frequently, or even rape her. yep. expert advice. where the hell did we go wrong?!?!

I have been married 34 years and my wife still has the same dull routine in the bedroom. I try to spice it up by touching a lot and she is not interested I even tried role play and dress up to spice things up and she will not be a part of it. I used to do everything possible to keep the time from a couple hours to now 45 minutes of sex even though I pushed through the pain of past injuries in order to please her. She gives very little in return and I am fed up. She has been in the work force 14 years or more and our agreement was that she pays for groceries and presents for family and that's it I pay everything else such as mortgage insurances taxes etc... I retired @ 55 and paid everything off on my own and never hire anything out so I have been a very busy husband and father of three. She still is working and never seems to have money and we get into big arguments over trying to do a budget w/her money so I gave up. If we get divorced she will get half of my retirement and she contributed very little and I am not sure what to do. Finally got her to pay her percentage of income taxes last year and it was tough to say the least.

I am another guy on same boat. 34 yrs old and 8 yrs of marriage. I can't think of even a single occasion my wife came to me. Now after the second child she doesn't even like me touching her. I am very healthy and sexually very active. It's just the kids stopping me from a divorce.

Holy crap - you've described my situation almost to a T except in my case she stopped after about 20 years of marriage. I'm going to read the other comments out here and if I can add anything I will. Thanks for sharing and good luck - we all need it.

I'm for one know what you guys mean.usually men get dogged on how women suffer in relationships but for the guys they pretend to be clueless not wanting to understand what we want. I think women are in love with marriage and the man comes second. Why do women say "I DO" then after they won't. How can she toy with marriage when you're bound before God. it's like spit in his face.Don't you find it funny how your wife can openly share intimate secrets with another women when she never said "I Do" to her. And the very one that needs to understand is you but to you its a secret and that information can be used to better the relationship. Have you noticed how you must constantly remind her you love her but you never have to remind her when she got hurt? Why do women hold tight to pain but love is loosely held and is easily forgotten. I mean how many times did she wake you up at O dark 30 and said remember when you said you love me? Go get happy friends. For those of you with kids its better they see you happy without the mom than miserable with her.

Dude 18 yrs. I thought after menapause It was suposto change for the better. But no sir got worse she went to girlfriend s house . Her plan was to leave me. Two weeks later . I called her told her I was taken thee ring off and she biged to come home so shebook could read that book in bed again but now she touches me and has a respect to. Guess it was not as easy as it looked out there. Good luck my friend hang in there

Dear ProMusician, that is the same that happened to me as I am 36 years old, Engineer and like what you described fit, clean and wealthy. Been married for 4 years and she lost interest few months after marriage, to avoid divorce and tension I even admitted to Chemical castration by consuming some hormone therapy pills to reduce my libido but unfortunately I lost my athletic look with few extra boobs and it changed a lot of my reactions became more emotional and aggressive until my doctor figured out and warned me of using it again.
So my friend I am back to my life knowing that such problem can be solved only by ************ or saving some extra change for prostitutes.

You just have to have sex with your wife any time you are in the mood, even if she isn't. It is all about Oxytocin. Be extra affectionate to compensate for her lack of affection. Don't take it personally. Wacking off is for single people. Married people should not wack off, unless the spouse is participating, as it ruins the bond between husband and wife.
Try to make sex more fun for her by investing in some bedroom toys, which you can pick up from amazon.com
Oh and compliment your wife for her sexiness and attractiveness very frequently as this will get her more in the mood. Oprah ran a show that the feeling of being desired is the real ****** for women. Google it.
A man must boost a woman's ego by making her feel beautiful, attractive and precious.
A woman must boost a man's ego by making him feel in control, possessor and attractive. The attractiveness is really a spirit trait. Make a game out of it, almost. Make a deal with your wife that any time one of you boost the others ego/spirit the other will reciprocate. It may feel fake and unnatural at first but it will become real after it becomes a habit, God willing.
There is no destroyer of marriage worse than shattered egos. Don't overboost nor underboost, however when boosting spirit, there is no limit. That is where happiness lies.
Good luck.

Not true - \"A man must boost a woman\'s ego by making her feel beautiful, attractive and precious.\" If you intentionally try to boost your wife\'s ego, she will see right through it. If you want great sex, you have to build attraction in your wife - that doesn\'t come through boosting her ego, it comes from becoming a leader. Your wife was attracted to you when you first got married, if she isn\'t now then along the way she lost respect for you. Don\'t be a doormat - take initiative, show genuine interest in her (not just her body), be an individual that she admires. See what happens - I think you\'ll be pleasantly surprised.

We are divorced now so I\'m not longer in a sexless marriage. :)

My wife has been doing this to me for several years. It has caused so much tension and resentement in the past and to a lesser extent in the present that I am truely sick of it and thankful I am becoming less and less sexually attracted to her. Its as if a spell has been lifted. I have been abused by a cycle of behavior thats so confusing. She has had me wrapped around her little finger. I even became interested in the whole femdom thing. A 6 foot plus muscular man has been abused by a woman!? Yes its pityful but true. Not boasting but Im a charming ( we all think so) good looking guy with a few flaws such as too big feet and a broken nose and a beer belly and spare tyre ( which i will be burning in the gym very soon ) and have women on the street, business etc smile and preen at me. No more daily bottles of wine or beers to ease the suffering. I will not punish myself anymore! I will not take it anymore! Now Im just going to let the wind take me where it does and enjoy. But Ive got to be careful because as a friend told me half the women who treat me like this are after guilt free divorces ( at least in their minds) cash, house etc etc.

Well everyone, here is an update. I initiated divorce, and not once did she argue that we should try to keep the marriage going. Not a word along those lines, which was additional confirmation that I made the right choice. We are now legally divorced, but living in the same house until the money gets sorted out and one of us moves. Things are amicable, but we had to come up with ground rules about what evenings we carve out for each other to go out if that person chooses to do so, while the other person stays home and does child care. As soon as word got out about the divorce, I had four different beautiful women express interest. Not totally surprising because I'm attractive, fit, nice, and very funny. I'm hanging out with one of them a bit, and the contrast between her and my ex is absolutely astonishing. This new woman is VERY affectionate, tells me I'm handsome (something my ex NEVER did), and makes me feel desired. She smiles when she sees me, and gives me long, sensuous hugs. I'm not getting married again (which is what every newly divorced person says), but oh how glorious it is to feel wanted and desired. Unbelievable. So everyone, there IS life on the other side of a dull/affectionless marriage - I'm living proof. Sure, it cost me over $100,000 to get out of the marriage, but I will recover financially, and it was worth every penny.

Good for you.
You sound happy. It's good to hear that you and your ex, seem to have a system that works for you both at the moment.
Considering that your ex. didn't make the divorce too difficult, it's a shame that it's cost so much financially.
Good luck with your new lady.

I'm another one. I want to tear up her library card. In our case, we have 3 boys who take up a considerable amount of her time so that leaves little for me. I keep trying to arrange an overnight trip for the two of us, but she always comes up with a reason why we can't. I feel like I did before I met her. I'm lonely. The difference is that back then, I had the option of seeing other women. I don't have any good reason to divorce her nor could I afford to really.We're both in for 50's. Two of my boys have disabilities, one might never be able to live as an independent adult. I'm worried that he'll always take priority over me and that my wife and I will never be able to be a "couple" again even in retirement. It's killing me. I think reading is an addiction every bit as bad ask smoking, drugs and drink. She won't quit her crappy low paying job at our church preschool and help build that next egg our son might need once we die. She just wants to read her books and watch PBS programs.

The less you get, the more you want it.
The less she has , the less she will want it.
She is conditioning herself to stay the way she is.

I was like her once, my husband was like you.

Not anymore, ( see my reply below ) , and i will never go back to that !
My husband would probably say i wear him out now.

The part where you talk about her reading in bed, and you grabbing the book off her ...reminded my of something my husband does to me ( sorry ..it's not the same for you )
He use to do this years ago , and i did it to him too.
He would move over to me , and start kissing my body , moving further and further down.
I would begin to put my book down , but he would say , "No , keep reading ".
So i would .....he just wanted to test how long i could concentrate and keep reading before i had to drop it off the side of the bed and grab hold of him.
We do this again now ....
Anyway , sometimes , when you BOTH love each other , things can turn around.

<p>Hello Guys.</P><br />
<p>I am on the same boat like most of you, somehow i blame myself for this problem, i always thought she would change but to no avail, seven years have gone by and she is the same, she could go by without a gesture of love for weeks on end without a care in the world. I had talked to her and even cried in front of her..yeah that's right cried out of frustration, then she changes for a couple of days and goes back to her cold personality nature...during the last two months we had sex two times I believe and lately I do not care anymore...I've grown tired of being rejected...I focus now on my kids..unfortunately this feeling carries over other relationships, I don't smile as often as I used too, I am angry most of the time, and there is always someone in my family asking me if i am ok. I had my share of many sleepless nights and see many more to come, I have tried everything...and I finally gave up...she is 29 and I am 35. I focus on other things now, I play the guitar, spend time in the Gym and play with the kiddos but this thing is always in the back of my head...and there is no doubt that happiness in the bedroom transfers to happiness on all areas in your life and I wish women realize this....So that is it for now...good luck and give yourself a hand ( not that kind though we have no choice) for sharing your story.</P><br />
<p>GS<br />
.</P>

Man! When you read through this forum there are ladies who write about loving sex and, being adventerous. Women who take the initiative. Women who love to rock the world of men. Who relish their ability to make a man feel like a man. Women who use a sexual imagination to enhance their's and their partner's enjoyment. We ALL need variety, spontaneity, along with quality and quantity. We read about women who love to wear sexy clothes and, to be daring, all because they have accepted and, embraced their role as a sexual being. We're ALL sexual beings so these contrasting wives who refuse to have sex, are not interested in pleasing their husbands are literally actng in an unnatural way. It's not normal. There is something wrong with her whether it's in their mind, (where all sexuality begins) or, there is something wrong with their body. If the spouse refuses to talk about his or her problems with their partner or with a professional, nothing will ever change and their relationship will go from bad to worse. What confounds me, is hearing people say that, their partner refuses to even talk about sex. No good can ever come from a lack of communication in a marriage especially relative to something so important to the overall health of the marriage including both individual participants in the marriage. Often times when the man is the sexual abuser he may have performance issues and refuses sex with his wife due to low testosterone. There are medications that can easily help with physical problems.We really feel for you folks who's partners don't want to have sex with you, for whatever reason. We see it as a cruel form of mental, emotional, and physical abuse.Mental abuse because it ruins a person's confidence and, lowers their self esteem. Once that occurs, he won't be as good a father, wife, provider, friend, husband, Christian, Jew, basketball pla<x>yer, musician, or lover. He wont be good for anything anymore. The lack of sexual fulfillment and enjoyment with his or her spouse will eventually become such a distraction, that nothing will take it away. Usually those people will try to find something else to take up their time as a distraction. ANYTHING for hours and, hours just to keep their minds off, not the lack of sex (though that is what they focus on) but on the "why" they have been rejected. The longer it goes on, the worse it gets. Of couse, many spouses wind up in the arms of another who is "normal" (enjoys sex) and, won't reject them as we have seen in some of the other responses.Emotional abuse because it hurts him very deeply to be rejected. I cannot say enough about that, because to reject sexual encounters with your spouse is not only to reject sex with them, it's a rejection of their entire being. His manliness. His character. His body. His mind. A rejected man, is a dejected man, who is more prone to depression, lower income, poorer health (mental and physical). The rejected man with no more confidence, has lost his place in this world of men since his woman has convinced him that he is not worthy to call himself a man. A woman who constantly rejects the sexual advances of her husband (or, never makes advances toward him) is literally destroying the man she loves. The same goes for the lousy men out there who reject their wives.Physical abuse, because healthy sex prolongs a person's life and, also improves the quality of life. Its a recorded fact that married people live longer than their single counterparts. I suspect that those numbers are scewed and, if we delved deeper into the numbers, we would find that rejected, sexless married men have a shorter life than their single men counterparts do. Healthy sex increases blood flow all through the body and decreases a chance for heart attacks and stroke. Good sex helps to facilitate muscle tone as well, for obvious reasons.My advice for the men and women out there who are living in a sexless abuse situation is to immediately attempt to rise above it. Do all the things that you need to do in order to become more sexually attractive. We all know what those obvious things are. Start to get in better shape and excercise more. Stop smoking, drinking, using drugs. Get a different hair cut. Buy some new clothes. Have your teeth cleaned. Practice better posture and hold your head up. Even if you don't feel confident, simply keeping better posture gives the outward impression of confdence when other people see you. They have no idea whats going on inside your broken heart but, that, doesn't matter.Try to speak more intelligently. Whatever it is that you know deep down might make you less attractive, do just the opposite. Reverse it. Your spouse has already made all those things considerablly worse so now, you have no desire to be attractive.Change that. Some is your fault but, not all of it. What matters is you countering and reversing all the damage your spouse is doing to you.Hopefully when the time is right you will find the person who will love you. All of you. Your mind, your body and your spirit. I wish you all the best.h

I recently read your story. Seems we are in the same pkace. Really would like to hear what i should do. I love him.....we arent married but living togerher for over a year. I have tried to talk to him. I love him. But it has beeb two years sine he put his hands on me. I love hi. But this
Is how iy has been. I an so ready for intimacy. What did you do

Very simple. Leave him. Sooner rather than later. It will not improve. Most certainly do not get married, because then leaving him will become a gigantic and potentially costly hassle.

I totally understand, people don't realise that this also happens the other way round too, I hardly get any affection/flirting/compliments etc from my husband let alone sex! To make it worse we have only been married for just over a year, I though this wouldn't happen for another 60/70yrs, feel very neglected and unwanted, none of my needs are being met and I'm craving attention

Crazy! I had no idea there were so many going through the same issue I have been going through. I have spent 10-12 yrs going through an affection-less marriage. Started around the time my first child was born. We now have 3 kids. This could all stem from a hormonal issue or past trauma I dont know about, but whatever the case I don't believe I will be around for the remedy. At this point, I have tried it all: Conversations, professionals, being supportive, focusing on my hobbies, sports, exercise, exercise, exercise, not pressuring, listening, loving the kids, helping the kids to be better people, helping kids with homework everyday, helping the kids with sports, not being needy, giving her time to herself any time she wants, always allowing her to go out with friends, watching the kids, doing chores all the time, doing my share all the time, bringing home a good salary, staying busy, stay in great shape, stay healthy, so on, and so on...Having read all of these comments it seems to me that there are very few resolutions to these issues. I haven't read one fix, one remedy, or one recovered message. No one has said, wow things were very bad but now things are great. I just want my kids to remain healthy and happy during an inevitable divorce. My children are why I have stuck with this as long as I have. If she doesn't want me, OK, sucks, but OK. I hope she can find a happy place with someone else.

Man, tough stuff!!

I AM an example of "wow ..things were very bad , but now things are great ".

I have not posted my story , but have replied to many .
My story was just like everyone else...My husband was the refused , and i was the refuser.
We have been together for 26 years , married for 20 last week.( 2 kids )

I lost interest in sex along the way...due to the usual stress that comes with having kids , work , illness and the death of a parent and parent in law, building a house, etc.
My husband was a damaged man , longing for my love, but i was so lost that i couldn't see that.
He finally snapped and said he couldn't do this anymore..was moving for a new job , not sure what he wanted with us anymore.
This was what i needed to wake me up...i was listening , but never really heard him until then.
I always loved him, i just forgot how to love myself.
I was angry at myself , but took it out on the ones i loved the most.
I had forgotten how important sex and intimacy was for me!
Very quickly , i changed , and rediscovered my sexual self.
That was more than 2 years ago.
I can't think of anything i'd rather do now, than spend time lost in each others bodies.
Of course we continue to have stress in our lives..sometimes things that are worse than what we have already gone through, but it doesn't impact on my sex drive like it once did.
I know that not every couple can achieve this again, but we did.
Just know , that it can happen !

Same song and dance here as all of you poor guys. I guess I didn't really realize how many of "us" poor guys there are out there in sexless/passionless marriages. Not too much I can add that hasn't already been said several times, but maybe my experience will bring comfort to other guys knowing they're not alone in these less than desirable relationships. I've been married 12 years and have one child about 10 years old. For me, the sex/no sex dance has been a part of my relationship since before we were married. I didn't know any better and went ahead and got married even though my gut told me not to. For the first 7 years of the marriage my wife was subject to HUGE mood swings and depression and she was admittedly a ***** to live with. From day one our sex life was extremely infrequent and seemed to always be a chore for her. She's not a big girl, but she is thick and always has been and has used size and personal image as an excuse to keep me at arms length all these years. She's told me so many times that once she feels better about herself physically, our sex life will improve. Well, waiting for her to do something about herself image and feel about herself physically is like waiting for the sky to fall (it's never going to happen). So she can always hide behind eating and body image. Since 2007 and a brief separation she has been on anti-depressants which have helped up to get along much better, but has probably made our sex life even worse. In the early years I didn't know how to control my sexual needs and did cheat on her up to 2005. I had a couple flings in 2007, while separated, so don't consider that cheating. To make a long story short I have not physically cheated on her since that time, but find our lack of intimacy a constant issue and I feel if/when the right opportunity comes up I could cheat on her again. As our child gets older I already see myself eventually leaving and starting over with someone who is not so physically distant and not so down on life in general. It's so hard to cram 12 years of marriage and sexual dysfunction into a paragraph, but I think all the guys in a sexless and passionless marriage get where I am coming from. One amazing thing that has happened over the last 3 months is I did meet a woman and have been having an online affair with her (Met here here on EP:). Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) she is on the other side of the country and has her own family and is in her own passionless marriage. I care about her a lot and hope/plan to meet her in person some day. Until that time, we are having a lot of fun online and have become as close as two people can from thousands of miles away. If any of you guys have the opportunity to have an "online thing" it can help with your sexual tension, but take it from my experience, what is supposed to be a purely sexual thing can quickly evolve to an emotional thing too, if you find the right person and have that chemistry. Taking that into consideration, when she and I do meet it will be a lot more than just sex and will create other issues we will have to deal with, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

I can't believe how common this problem is, this truly is a form of mental abuse. I've been married for eighteen years and I can't even count the times I've been rejected by my wife, it's beyond frustrating not to mention hurtful. I finally got to a point of resentment and started separating myself emotionally and physically from her, after some time she started asking me why I was so disconnected as if she had no clue to the damage she had caused. It was to late, my mind had wandered so far off that just talking about it felt exhausting not to mention a waste of time. It's not just about sex, it's about being desired by that person you love, when your desired you fell secure and confident, this builds trust and deepens that connection that we call love. Marriage can be an awesome experience if both parties have an unselfish heart and a desire to serve each other. I am sorry for all of you that are going thru this, I have spent many sleepless nights trying to make sense of my own situation. It helps for some strange reason to know I'm not alone, god bless all of you for sharing and I hope you can find peace in your situation however it works out.

Jumbocoloringbook, you are so right about the idea of desire. It is the idea that my wife doesn't desire me that hurts me the most. I hope life has gotten better for you and you wife!

The sad fact is most people are too lazy to work at relationships. Its easier to stick your head in the sand and do nothing. Worse yet, many women are wired very differently than us and dont understand nor care about our needs when the thrill is gone for them.

Truth is if they met someone else new that excited them they would have no problem with sex. I have several friends who confided in me that their wives had given up. Told there husbands "i just am not sexual any more. Sex isnt important too me. Its not you, its me" and in several of those situations the wife was sleeping with someone else.

Regardless of what any women says... intamacy is important to her. The sad fact for most of you men, is she feels it is gone and hopeless to try. You don't excite her anymore. So why bother...and if she isnt getting it elsewhere... she rather read, watch tv, sleep, shop, get a tooth filling. Anything but sleep with you :(

Which brings me to my point. Relationships without intimacy are no longer relationships. They are companionships. You are not friends> You are not lovers. You are companions. You may be parents.

Questions are, can you afford to blow it all up? How much will you lose? Will you be stuck in a apartment, condo, scraping buy to survive while she resides in the house you are stuck paying for? If that is the case... cheat until you get caught. Or better yet... dont get caught.

But whatever you do... dont marry again. This happens to half of all marriages. Odds are not in our favor.

I too live in this hell. My situation is only different in that i am a womam married to another woman. I am 32 and she is 10 years older.

We recently have been through a lot of hard times but have managed to get through them however there can be no denying that our relationship took a hit.

I have been starving for attention. I used to tell her all the time. I tell her i miss romance and touching. Now she does stuff like pat my head in the most unloving way one can. There is a difference in her touch. Now it is fake like she is going through the motions.

We have a 3 year old. I have tried everything. I got a steady and consistant job. I try givig her massages and foot rubs, i staryed cleaning an d taking care of the baby more. I initiated going to some relationship meeting.

I dont want tobleave cause the kid, but what else can i do ?

"Relationships without intimacy are no longer relationships. They are companionships. You are not friends. You are not lovers. You are companions."

I have never heard it put this simply and clearly before. That completely sums it up. How can some of these women that give their husbands no affection expect more than just companionship. I don't just want a companion and to not be alone. I want to be WITH someone. In all aspects. It is sad, but I have given up and admitted defeat. Just as many on here have. I will accept the love of my children and continue to be a good father. I will graciously accept the tiny little bits of affection from her when she might allow it. But other than that, I will just go about my business and learn to live my life and accept it.