Clarification

In plain speak, your husband is unwilling or unable to love you the way you want to be loved. You may well love him in that sexually intimate way, but he does not place the same value on it. He does not want that level of physical intimacy from you and rebuffs it and therefore a part of you and your love. In turn, he does not give himself to you in that way. So, the question is, now that you know this, can you live with it or can you not? If you tell him of your need, does he love and value you enough to meet it or does he not? If he and you both work together, there may bbe a slim chance at rediscovering that connection you yearn for. If not, you have three choices - stay and suppress your need to give and receive sexual intimacy with your chosen love or outsource that need or leave.

Lovely,



you have been fighting a rearguard action for some years.



Attempting to convince yourself, then re-affirm, that everything in the marriage is great bar the sex.



Every time you fight this rearguard action, you "win" that skirmish, and can suppress things for a while. But every skirmish costs you ground. You are finding it harder and harder to get yourself "up" for the next skirmish. Every skirmish you "win" is costing you, for you are being driven backward, by the authentic you who is struggling to be heard.



The authentic you WILL win the war longer term.



But I suspect the present LovelyAlone will continue to fight the rearguard action against the truth for a while yet.



Tread your own path.

If you even hope to have a decent sexually intimate life, the hard choice is going to be this:



You are going to have to realize that dream with another man. Either full or part time (but remember the other man might eventually want to be with you - full time!).



Now, I agree that for a small minority of folks, sexual intimacy is not necessarily "core", but here is the deal: this situation must be absolutely, totally, unhibitedly MUTUAL for it to be sustainable over the long haul - that would be for decades.



And there is the rub. This lack of intimate "core" is NOT absolutely mutual in your situation. You are hurting over this lack of "core" and are trying to get to a happier place.



-----" I think, if I am BRUTALLY honest, that I have very little (almost no) desire left for my husband. I love him, and I'm sure I could be capable of being sexual with him if I ever felt trusting enough to do that again. But if I think of it with stark, brutal honesty, my highest preference is still to stay married but eventually have a long-term lover as well. I'm not quite ready to call Time Of Death on the possibility of EVER having sex again with my husband, but I'm close."



Let me present a hypothetical here.



Marriage takes enormous amounts of energy and effort. We all want to be loved and appreciated and sexually desired. To keep marriage going for decades takes MORE than a deep friendship for most of us. Way, way way more.



Now, lets say that you find that luscious long term lover on the side - and you find that you have all the intimacy with him AND the share a deep friendship with the lover too. In other words, you get this, that and the other with the lover (passion, intimacy and commitment).



Now, what is going to happen?



I bet this: you will divorce your husband and be with the other guy.



How could you NOT?

LA, your dilemma is one many of us share or have shared. Just a few thoughts from me - and please bear in mind that I decided to leave, so my opinions are biased. . .



1) sex is not just sex! It is the "glue" that holds two people together in a very special bond that cannot be replicated elsewhere (altho' many of us try to do so with FWBs and lovers)



2) sex nourishes and feeds emotional intimacy. It allows two people to "reconnect" at a very elementary and powerful level - one which sustains the relationship



3) loving connected sex acts as an antidote (both emotionally AND physically) to the stresses of daily married life. Physically it releases endorphins into the blood stream. Emotionally it does many things - perhaps most important of all is to view our loved one with genuine appreciation and affection.



The daily irritants in our lives are always going to be there. The minor annoyances we feel with our spouses, the challenges of our day, the things that didn't go right, being too busy . . . all the numerous stresses that make up our daily existence.



When we are having regular loving sex with our beloved partner, much of this is "smoothed" away - it still happens, but it is like having a long hot bath at the end of a physically tiring day!!



4) when your significant other denies you sex, it is his (her) way of asserting what he (she) wants over what is good for the relationship. It may be unintentional on their part, but what it is really saying is:

"What I want and need is more important than what you want and need."



Very naturally, this makes us (the denied partner) feel as if we are of lesser value. This is made worse if the partner seeks to shift the "blame" onto us.



And one of the WORST parts of this dilemma is the reverse!

"If I insist on having what I want and need and that is not what he (she) wants and needs, am I not behaving in the same way?" And the tragedy here is that the answer IMO is "Yes!"



The truth is that marriage MEANS having sex with your spouse. This may be a "lowest common denominator" description because there is clearly SO much more to marriage! But the denial of sex is to withdraw a fundamental reason that people get married.



So if our spouses choose to withdraw sex, they are essentially moving the goal posts from "marriage" to "room mate" status. They might be WONDERFUL room mates. They might be great people with many superb attributes. You might still love them to distraction. But in essence, they have withdrawn from the marriage and placed the relationship into a new and different status.



The aspect of this that is SO distressing is that this is arbitrary - that is, they do not discuss it or ask how their spouse feels about the decision. They simply decide that this is how it will be in the future . . . . .



In our society we (very rightly IMO) have laws which prevent people from forcing their sexual intentions on unwilling others. It is called "rape".



This action of our Refuser spouses is the antithesis of rape - it is withdrawing from the sexual component of the commitment they made. It can be and often is very very distressing for the refused spouse.



Yet society as a whole ignores this and societal attitudes tend to support the Refuser spouse! Society does this by making us feel "you shouldn't give up your marriage over ONLY sex". Yet society today accepts and endorses that "rape within marriage" is still rape. And so it should! But a little more understanding and compassion in the reverse situation would not be amiss IMO!



Finally, your point that sexual intimacy is not necessarily "core" in all marriages is surely true. But I suggest that is NOT true of anyone who seeks out the ILIASM forum! If a person is truly content to live in a sexless marriage, they will not be "Googling" the term, or following the link, or doing anything that brings them to our door! I think it is safe to say that, if you are in ILIASM (even just as a reader) you are NOT going to be content with a sexless marriage.

Is sex important to you? Is intimacy important to you? Try to be as honest as possible with yourself. No, be completely honest with yourself just for a starting point. It's yes or it's no.



Sex and intimacy is a symptom; not the cause of any relationship. Think about that when you have answered truthfully the first question.

LA, please read then re-read Chai's comment.



Also ask yourself this question. "WHY did I get so upset about the idea that my marriage is a sham?" If you really think about this and are truly honest with yourself, I think you will find that the answer is this:



"At some deep level, I truly believe my marriage IS a sham. That does not mean it is without any value. We have many good things going on in the marriage; we are good friends and we have a good life. But the CORE part of the marriage (the sex and the sexual intimacy) is missing."



You are like almost all of us here - you recognise and value the good things about your spouse and about your relationship. Believe me, if we did NOT feel like that, we would never have come to this forum! We would have gone straight to the divorce court!!



We (almost) all struggle with the issues that are causing you pain. We all battle the two sides of ourselves - the one that says:

"Why can't you accept that this marriage is pretty good and be content top accept things as they are?"

And the one that says:

"Yes, much of the marriage is pretty good BUT I need so much MORE to be a truly happy and fulfilled person."



It is this struggle that keeps us tied to our spouses and anxiously looking for a "solution". Eventually we realise that we cannot have our cake and eat it too! ONE (and only one) of the above options is open to us. The hardest part is deciding WHICH one we are going to follow . . . . . .

LA, you appear to be referring to your previous story, "Just one of those days"



I just placed another comment on it, and I will repeat that comment here:

"... I certainly meant no offense or disrespect in quoting that post written by CoyoteGray. To me, your post sounded wistful, searching, and I thought the quote relevant. I see that the quote has since been taken up as a forum topic. As others have said, as long as both you and your spouse are happy with the terms of your marriage, that is the main thing."



I happen to agree with CoyoteGray's quote as it applies to MY life, but that does not mean a criticism of YOUR marriage, or that your marriage is in any way dimished.



You will hear lots of different opinions from lots of us anonymous people here, just take what you want and ignore the rest. If one person in a hundred says something that clicks with you, inspires you in your life, then the reading is worth it.



Bless you and may you find peace.