Re - Negotiated Contract

Just an update on how my relationship with my wife has progressed.

Back in Late January & February i had posted a couple of times regarding my problems with my wife, the lack of sex, and various other issues in our marriage.

For the regulars here they would be familiar with my story. Basically i had had enough of my sexless marriage so i drew up a plan designed to hold my wife to account for her actions. I presented her with the bill and demanded she pay up. I knew this action would bring the issue to a head one way or another.

At my wifes instigation we sat down and agreed to use the month of February to try to work things out. If by February nothing had changed i would be enforcing my exit strategy

We both sat down and talked through our expectations with each other. Our Contract of understanding was were re-negotiated. I can honestly say today things are a lot better. Sex included. It feels like when we first met again.

I am however a realist and still have my exit plan in place just incase things dont work out.
Frustrated1978 Frustrated1978
31-35, M
12 Responses Mar 22, 2012

your marriage is doomed.. you both act like spoiled children<br />
you having women on your facebook that has nothing to do with<br />
family/work ect..<br />
and her not thinking she needs to contribute to the marriage financially has<br />
literally put her in a position of NO POWER. which you are aware of and even<br />
if you were NOT abusing that before.. you are now..

I think Frustrated is on the right track in spelling out points of importance in his relationship. Mediation groups often have low cost no cost services to help couples create a mutually agreeable cohabitation/co-parenting agreement. It is a challenge to share space with another person. Working through and addressing the host of possible 'stuff' with included contingency plans is an ideal way to go forward and play more fairly. <br />
Google cohabitation agreement and you will see numerous templates.<br />
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Enna thank you for your supports. As always you are right on the mark with your comments!

Never experienced any, but IMO negotiated sex sucks.

Negotiations and contracts are at the heart of all human interactions IMO. We may not call them that, we may not identify them as such, but that is exactly what is happening. Sometimes, because of lack of agreement or seeing eye-to-eye, these contracts need to be spelt out.<br />
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Now the IMPORTANT thing is that both sides are willing to cooperate and both sides are happy with the outcome. It seems to me that Frustrated's wife is coming to the table willingly. That she has recognised that her behaviour is selfish and that it is a deal breaker for their marriage. And is now willingly agreeing to changes in her own behaviour.<br />
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This will only fail, IMO, if Frustrated's wife is actually only complying because she feels threatened. And truly has no commitment to the relationship, but rather, is only complying to avoid divorce. And I'm sure Frustrated is astute enough to recognise that if it is happening.<br />
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There are bound to be a few slips along the way. No-one ever negotiates behaviour changes without some slip-ups and back sliding. (See dieting if you need an example!!) But that does not mean it cannot ultimately be successful for both people AND save the relationship.<br />
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Frustrated, you have my most sincere best wishes for the improvements to continue and to become habitual.

Enna thank you for your support. As always you are right on the mark with your comments!

A new flame being lit OR one last HOO-RAH! Either way im happy for you!

Thank you.

I'd kind-of agree with JH's assessment of "contracts" etc. Except that, I think agreements (as long as they're flexible and compassionate) can be a very valuable mechanism to make the transition to real lovemaking, which doesn't calculate. That has to be ba<x>sed on trust, and the accountability is a way to build that trust for both of you.<br />
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There's also a big element in many fields of life (e.g. exercising) where habit rather than willpower is what makes it happen. And action being the important thing to cement growth and improvement. Without the action, things will not improve or develop, the relationship is in stasis, decaying into death.<br />
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So to summarise, use the agreement as a tool to express what you both want, to account for deviations compassionately, and to get to a place which transcends contracts and service-level agreements.<br />
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PS, I found that value-ba<x>sed negotiation with a batna (as in "getting past no") was transforming in allowing me to express what I wanted and getting it. No harm in that!

I'm not totally sold on the idea of contracts, agreements, and consequences. To me, there is something a little off when you have to negotiate with your partner for sex. I mean, there are consequences, but to me, it's more like my relationship with my coffee shop.<br />
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Here's my analogy: when I go to a new coffee shop, I'm willing to accept that things might be a little different from what I expected. I might even make a specific request (less milk, more sugar, etc.). I'll give it some time, and may come to appreciate the differences, but if I don't get what I need, I don't come in any more. It's simple. I won't fight, won't argue, won't make a scene. I just say, "this isn't really working for me" and I'm gone. <br />
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Anyway, best of luck; I know how frustrating it can be, because I tried the negotiating strategy for many years....

When i say contract, i mean when you marry somebody its because they act and create a certain persona. In a lot of instances people change the way they were treating you therefore changing the balance in which you agreed to spend your life with them. I dont neceserally mean signed contract

About "exit strategies"<br />
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If you are married, or in a relationship, you really DO need to know what you would do and how you would do it should that relationship cease. Be that cessation being caused by the choice of one of the partners or by some awful accident or terminal illness. It is simple recognition of the facts of life. All relationships end. And this applies whether the relationship is terrific or ****-awful.<br />
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Of course if you are going to engage in high risk behaviour outside the marriage the need for an exit strategy becomes even more important as your risk is greatly increased for the relationship to collapse.<br />
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If the marriage is unhappy, same thing applies. Your risk is accelerated.<br />
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Anyone in a relationship needs to know what they'd do and how they'd do it should the relationship end. This is just ba<x>se line stuff.<br />
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In our collective circumstances of dysfunctioning marriages it is even more important, and if colouring outside the lines is in play, more important still.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Realism would dictate that the effort being put forth is directly porportional to the purposed gains by carrying out whatever activities are needed to hold onto a current standard of living.<br />
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Best of luck to you, I just hope she isn't using her vagina to keep you just short of arms length.

Lance your comments are noted. It is something i am wary of but she has also started to rexibit feelings and actions she wasn't doing before. She now calls at me at work, to see how my day is, insist i come out with her friends when they go out, etc.

That said i am a realist and taking one day at a time

Then you are both wise and a realist, you know that the actions of many days can account for the future versus the actions of one day leave you confused.

Ny the way I didn't mean to be a jerk by saying she was playing you, just trying to cover all bases with ya.

Good luck!

Thanks Bro

I hope it works out for you long term. Keep us updated.

Will do Thanks

I love the way you say "present them with the bill and make them pay up"

Glad it's working out for you pal, but did you get to the bottom of how it ended up that way in the first place?

Keep us posted.