She's Finally Said It.

On Sunday, my wife finally said that she'd lost all interest in sex, so in turn, I've now lost all interest in her. We've been married for 29 years and for the last 15, sex has been hit and miss to say the least. We did have a good sex life to start with, that's one of the reasons I wanted to marry her. She, as I have suffered with depression over the years, and I am not the most exciting person on the planet. I've gained weight over the years, but there again most people do as they get older. She has always been over weight and used to be very feisty, but I liked the bigger girl and sex was good. Her depression grew and other illnesses appeared, but I just carried on and supported her. She now says that she does not want sex because she feels used, how can she feel used when we don't do it. When we did she always enjoyed it and always had at least 4 *******. What have I done wrong? The intimacy started to disappear long time ago. I don't think I've kissed her on the lips for 15 years and we no longer hug or cuddle. She always says that I can't cuddle without it becoming sexual. I realise that everyone is different, but I've always needed a physical side to life, I'm not ready to stop having sex. She said on Sunday that if I did meet anyone, don't bring it home, so i won't; but I will find someone and I will have sex again. Her parting shot was, we've a life and a house, do you want to sacrifice that, in a word yes because I don't have a full filling life, and I need one
deleted deleted 26-30 16 Responses Mar 26, 2012

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Well seems it took a while but at least you are no longer in a stalemate and you have a plan of action! I can't understand that last part of her saying do "you" wanna sacrifice that, it sounds like she already had.. Good luck to ya in your search!

"She said on Sunday that if I did meet anyone, don't bring it home, so i won't; "

Why the hell not?

Who said that because she's been willing to degrade herself to refuser status, now YOU have to be the one to slink around like you were doing something wrong? Consider bringing someone home and telling her she can leave for a few hours if she's not comfortable. This is YOUR home and this is YOUR bed.

I am thankful for this site, because as a man, we dont have an opportunity to talk about this stuff. Many of us are in the same situation, we have carefully planned out our lives to ensure our children and spouses are safe and comfortable. When it gets to the point where it is just the two of us again, all of a sudden, she is not in love with me but still loves or some sillyness like that. Well **** her, I have decided to move on, and am planning my escape now. Plan it out well, and talk to your attorney. Happiness is more important than a nice house.

Know how you feel my ex-wife was as sexy as hell and was good till she got to 50,she became "Frigid" and didn't was sex or any physical contact,I came into some money and left .Left her the house and kids as this suited me! Are Legally seperated so all financial things settled,she got kids.I got peace but if I was you would comsult solicitor as you have grounds for devorce as she has stopped emotional commitment to you!

" We did have a good sex life to start with, that's one of the reasons I wanted to marry her. "

Let us look at that from the other side of the glass.

REFUSER: " I made sure that sex was good at the start. That is the only thing I could do to get him to marry me. "

After you have seen the divorce attorney and set things in motion I hope purely for your own sake that you give yourself the essential luxury of sitting back to conduct an honest appraisal of why things went wrong if only to try to avoid history repeating itself.

Your wife told you that she feels used and your response is how is that possible because you never do 'it'. Well, do you really deep down view it as simple as that? If you do, you have problems. Your wife was referring to past events, not current ones and you must know that.

The simple fact is that your wife has felt for two long that she was a ***** deposit point and it no longer appeals to her. She has no expectation that it will change and even if it did she despises you so much she would not be grateful for any change that might occur now.

This may seem an outrageous proposition to you and has nothing to do with actual reality. However, your wife seems to think that way and you may want to at least dwell for a moment on whether she has a distorted perception of your relationship or not or if she does not whether it matters or not.

To second skippy:

SHE has a life and a house,

YOU do not have a life and share a house.

If you leave you will gain a life and maybe lose a house. Sounds good to me.

As for the rest, you're being used and you know it. She's on the playbook nicely, and you're taking it -at the moment. Will you continue to do so?

"we've a life and a house, do you want to sacrifice that?"

Change that slightly and what she really means is, "I have everything I want, you don't, but I don't care, however, you divorcing me really would mess up my little world".

This is why you must do it. All this bullshit about cuddling leading to sex, as if it were a bad thing....well enough of that already. She doesn't want you. Now show her that the feeling's mutual by doing something about it. You can both live with a 50/50 split of a paid for house I'm sure. People have to settle for a lot worse and still do.

Chances are that she has been less than truthful over the last 15 years, so I'd be very leery about her "turning a blind eye" to any shenanigans you might engage in outside the marital lines.

Make sure you have consulted a lawyer in your jurisdiction about how a divorce would shake out, and get an exit strategy into do-able state before you give this a crack.

Tread your own path.

One of the most awful things a refusing spouse can do is not tell the truth. Yours has in spades. For that you are lucky. What is a home and a life without some sort of intimacy? It is a roommate and a place to sleep (alone).

As other's here will tell you to make an exit plan.

Do you know why Divorce cost so much? It's worth it. As the MasterCard commercial goes: Happiness, Priceless!

Who knows why people turn away from each other after so many years of marriage? I don't think it happens overnight - it's usually a long, slow erosion that starts with just a pin ***** and grows into gigantic tumor. In my case, after each rejection, I stopped trying so hard. My defense was to focus on creating my own happiness with activities, work, friends, children so I wouldn't dwell on my lonliness; while that saved me in one way, it assured the continued disintegration of my marriage in another. Today my H says to me, "I wish I would have understood all of this sooner." Yes, I wish he had too, and I wish he'd acted, but he hasn't.

29 years is a long time but you are still young enough to enjoy a fulfilling relationship. If you live another 29 years, what do you want them to look like? I have told my H I won't live without what I need. If I do, I would be giving up on me and I cant' waste any more time giving up on me. So, the handwriting is on the wall and on the floor and on the ceiling!

You must do what makes sense for you and accept the consequences of your actions. You will have pain no matter what you do, but it can't be worse than the pain you've already endured.

She is using you as a meal ticket and a source of security. She is very selfish. She has told you she doesn't want you but in turn no one can have you.

She has also very calculatingly informed you of her intent to make you life miserable if you ever did seek out comfort outside of the marriage.

From where i stand your situation is already miserable as it is even without her latest threat.

I would suggest you consult a Good Divorce Lawyer, then draw up the bill for her actions and demand she pay the account in full.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Alright how the hell do you know that she is using him as a meal ticket? They have BOTH been married for (almost) three decades and they have BOTH been responsible for the demise of said marriage. I am all for ending a relationship that is as unhealthy as this one APPEARS to be but that's the crux: you, and I, and everyone else, only know one side: his. The rest of your advice was spot on (good attorney, watch your ***, etc), but don't be a **** and assume the lady is using this guy for money.

To snappingzero: Amen! Unproductive thinking.

Zero: Here is a key: if you aren't providing your spouse with the intimacy they need - if you engage in behaviors that corrode the marital bond (specifically the lack of intimate interaction that was addressed in the post), then fail to address the issue, continue to turn away from the spouse, deny them intimate interaction while at the same time threatening them with statements such as ----" we've a life and a house do you want to sacrifice that" then it IS about the material status of the relationship and not about love. Had their NOT been a concern about material comfort that statement would not have been spoken, so there is probably a grain of truth to what Frustrated1978 said. Those types of statements that focus on the material side of the equation while ignorning the intimacy side of the equation are telling - it means the spouse is, at least partly, remaining for convenience and not out of real love. That can work if BOTH are onboard with the marriage of convenience thing, but it if they are not, then that is the rub.

MVC, agreed.

Thank you MVC & Enna30. I will take the support of two of the most credible commentators here. To snappingzero ypu really are clueless. I tell it as it is. If you cant realise what is gooing on here you are clearly deluded. I suggest you keep reading these posts. Also your defensive comment reeks a little bit of femanism. I am not trying to single out any particular sexes. A man is just as guilty for wanting to stay in a marriage so not to lose certain comforts. I suggest if you dont like what you read than dont post a reply. Now in regards to FOIA, unproductive thinking really??? At least my responses & posts make sense. Not the drawn out jumbled up responses you seem to meek out.

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Stay Strong, the support from this group of ppl is TRULY Aaahmazing!Thank You all! Most have been thru this muck & mire & showing us there is light & love if we are Strong enough to find our True Path.

What is it with refusers that they don't like to cuddle? Is it just that they are averse to all forms of intimacy?

-----"do you want to sacrifice that, in a word yes because I don't have a full filling life, and I need one"

I recommend you consult a divorcy attorney to see how a separation or divorce pans out in your jurisdiction.

See, she has fired a warning shot across your bow with that comment - if you step out she is going to take action (that would be the life and house part), so you best be prepared for the worst to happen if/when you get caught or if you decided to petition for divorce yourself because you found another love.

The divorce is coming - only a matter time now.

Be smart, play smart.