I Live In a Sexless Marriage

The Process Has Begun

By: Fienchanny

Written on March 27th, 2012

What was a terrible weekend between us has turned into an even worse week.

His controlling nature has kicked into high gear. As soon as he sensed I was angry, and before I could share why, he found something to be angrier about. (Sidenote: he's angry about an $8 sweater I ruined in the laundry...). This is his typical behavior pattern. He prioritizes his anger above mine to negate it. His anger is silent and oppressive. He avoids my presence. He refuses to talk to me.

So Baz, no problems establishing the physical separation. That's well in place now :-)

I have my discussion points in-hand. I can stay with my mom if I absolutely need to.

Had one of those, "what the hell am I doing?" moments last night. It went away pretty quickly, though.

We have never extablished a healthy line of communication. Frankly, it's amazing we lasted this long. Ironically, it's going to be in our demise where we learn to really speak to one another. How sad. I am thinking of writing him a letter to kick off the discussion...can't quite get rid of those training wheels yet.

I entered this marriage with little relationship experience. I will take these experiences to heart, and learn from them.

When I drew the line in the sand a few months ago regarding our lackluster, dysfunctional sex life his response was something like, "I guess I should feel pretty lucky to have a problem like this (i.e. all he heard was that wife wants more sex)." This self-absorbed mindset could be what led to this past weekend's events...he now thinks I want it whenever I can get it. He keeps ignoring the quality aspect. He doesn't prioritize communication or intimacy. He demonstrates that he thinks he can just start pumping away and I'll be grateful.

So many wasted years...I'm moving on.

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By: Fienchanny

Age: 46-50 , Female

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36 responses

bazzar

OK, things got a bit out of sequence it seems. You didn't actually have the safety net in place.

Forget that now, nothing you can do about it - and the whole ugly mess is now out in the open at a time not of your choosing.

You are set on getting out still ?

You might consider buying a bit of time by playing along with his reconciliation agenda - whilst working your absolute arse off getting your safety net in place covertly. Keep it to a finite time frame though.

You might consider just blowing it up here and now and letting the cards fall where they may.

My constant hectoring of the membership to have legal advice and a do-able exit plan is really designed to make a very difficult process as managed and simple as possible. These things will NOT make it "easier" (because there is no way of making it "easy") but it will make it "simpler".

You don't get bonus points for style when you exit. A brilliant exit strategy is designed to help you get out. You could just as easily eyeball your spouse and tell them "**** you, I'm outta here" and walk out there and then (and do the unravelling of the detail at distance).

Either way, you are "out". That is the important thing, not necessarily "how you did it".

The exit strategy is to minimise and manage any nasty surprises. The "**** you I'm outta here" method 'might' get bogged in matters you hadn't thought about.

All is not lost here, unless you choose it to be so.

Tread your own path.

Mar 30, 2012
2 likes
- Fienchanny
  Yes, I still want to get out. I like your idea of buying time...
  He is following through on the reconciliation concept. He's been constantly trying to hug, kiss, touch me. I freeze up when he does this - and seeing his reaction (possible grasp of reality) is so painful. He wants to take me on a "date" this weekend to prove he can change. While painful, I understand I need to play along.
  My stomach is a mess. All I want to do is sleep.
  There are a number of "special days" he's holding over my head. His birthday is this coming Monday. Easter is next Sunday. He keeps asking if I'll be around for both.
  In the meantime, I plan to meet with a counselor to address my inability to just say no, and with a lawyer.
  So far, he has given no indication that he will become vindictive or petty.
  
  Mar 30, 2012
  1 like
- GenteelAnimal
  Still he is all about him. I bet he feels it sucks to be as dumb as a post. But you can't fix him.
  
  Mar 30, 2012
  1 like
- Fool4Waiting
  Bein' new here - what are the brilliant exit points?
  Is there a handbook?
  If there isn't I wish there was.
  :)
  
  Aug 19, 2012
  1 like
GenteelAnimal

Peaches, you know the path you have to walk even if you don't like walking it. Keep your head looking straight ahead and don't let him manipulate you into his pocket again. You and he can come through this as friends, but only if you are able to continue withstanding his controlling behavior. And you know you can do that.

Mar 29, 2012
2 likes
sweetnfeisty65

There is so much more out there for you. Bad enough to go without sex but to have somebody treating you like crap and ruining your self esteem sucks. My husband shows the affection but is a selfcentered person. He doesn't criticize me but ruined my self esteem all the same with the ****. I hope you stick with it. I know it's hard. I have no family here so leaving is going to be a tactical thing. Get apartment than tell him. I may even move in while he is gone and than tell him......I know cowards way out but hey if my **** is at an apartment and I signed a lease I am kind of committed to the moving out at that point lol

Mar 28, 2012
3 likes
- Fienchanny
  We all have to follow our own paths to happiness. If this process gets you to yours, more power to you!
  
  Mar 29, 2012
  1 like
cairinkimberley

Peaches - Do you have a place to stay if it gets rough? Get copies of all the financial information and your valuables out of the house . Leave them with a trusted friend or even in a locker at the bus terminal if you have to . Don't wait and don't worry about not being nice. Protect yourself.

Mar 27, 2012
2 likes
- Fienchanny
  I already made copies of most of the docs.
  Right now, I really don't care about valuables...other than my dog, Max, who's really more of a child than a valuable.
  And yes, it got rough. I feel lost this morning.
  
  Mar 28, 2012
  1 like
- cairinkimberley
  Oh sweetie, I am sending out all the positive feelings I can to you . Hold on because you are a lot stronger than you think you are.
  
  Mar 28, 2012
  1 like
bazzar

Ok, if you are going by the book, what you do now is -

- make the no sex choice YOURS as of right now. Move out of the bedroom, don't engage in any physical contact at all. There is your first bit of certainty. There will be no physical contact as of now. By YOUR choice.

- see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce would shake out. There's another bit of certainty for you rather than guessing / hoping / assuming.

- from that info, get your exit strategy into do-able shape. There's your next bit of certainty. That you have a viable option for once this is finished.

- now, if you want, dump "the letter" / "The Talk" on him with a definite date you are going (this is mainly to keep yourself accountable) If necessary, agree that it is a "trial" (cough cough) separation, if that helps you get out.

- be mentally prepared to deflect the pleading / begging / promises / anger / revenge antics of your spouse as he mounts his last attempt to bring back the status quo. Physical absence as much as possible is not a bad idea.

- keep moving toward you goal. One bit at a time.

- on "the date" you set, do it.

Tread your own path.

Mar 27, 2012
2 likes
- Fienchanny
  I am royally ******* this up.
  I returned from walking the dog to find him sitting at the kitchen table, eating dinner. Silent treatment was clearly still in place. I sat down to watch tv. He went upstairs, and shortly returned with a letter. He handed it to me. I thought, "could it be? Two people so out of sync could actually be in sync? Could this be his goodbye letter?"
  Turns out it was not. Instead, it was a full 8-1/2x11" sheet of paper detailing all of the things I've done lately that dissappoint him. I thought, "nice segueway, dear," and handed him my letter.
  Historically, whenever we have been mad at each other, I cave. In fact, I have rarely argued his points. Needless to say, he was shocked. He read it multiple times. He couldn't close his mouth. Then, the reactions began.
  "You can't be serious."
  "We're a team, we're better than this."
  "Other couples are jealous of us."
  "I can't continue working at X without your support."
  "Don't you think this is a little dramatic?"
  "I won't accept this."
  "When the hell did you start feeling like this?"
  "The only way this could've happened so suddenly is if there is someone else."
  "So, you're saying you were never attracted to me."
  "How can you be so emotionally detached?"
  "You're the only person I trust, and now I will never be able to trust you again."
  And, the line that got me: "Everything I do is for you, how can you do this to me?"
  Then, we talked. I openly and honestly shared all of my misgivings: lack of intimacy, lack of desire, lack of passion, lack of respect, lack of contact, lack of affection, lack of love. He listened. He adopted a loving demeanor. Long story short, he wore me down. I caved. I agreed to try and work it out. I could hear myself saying these agreeable things, but didn't believe a word I was saying. I agreed to stay home the next day, so we could talk further.
  But, my body wouldn't let me sleep past my normal time. I tossed and turned for an hour or so. Eventually, I turned to him (yes, he convinced me to stay in the same bed with him) and said, "I can't eff up work AND my personal life - I have to go to work today." I got ready for work. I was in escape mode. When I left, he was sitting at the kitchen table, crying.
  So, I have to leave him. Now, more than ever. To stay with him would mean going into it 100%. That's something I don't have the emotional capacity to do. I don't have faith in him to improve that drastically. I have already experienced what I am missing with another man. I would have to give him up to do this - I would not want to risk us getting caught. His life shouldn't be ruined, too.
  
  Mar 28, 2012
  1 like
- Fool4Waiting
  Oh. I should have kept reading.
  :)
  
  Aug 19, 2012
  1 like
- Fool4Waiting
  I'm all mixed up.
  "So, you're saying you were never attracted to me." Just Peaches - I'm curious. He said this to you? I know I'm late to this dinner party but who's the Refuser? And, if you said this to him - is it true? I'm curious why you married him.
  (I'm sure there's a long history I've missed but I'm not that good yet on Search here.)
  "The only way this could've happened so suddenly is if there is someone else." <--So basically he was right?
  Is this part of an Exit strategy? I see it as complicating things but what do I know? My husband tells me if sex is that important to me I should get a boyfriend (but be discrete and for God's sake DON'T FALL IN LOVE!)
  Sadly, my husband is the ONLY MAN in my life I've remained faithful to. I didn't manage it w/ the first one or during any other relationships. <-Does this belong in the Confession box here?
  I should probably keep reading before posting this but there's a couple things here I think I'd remain curious about anyway.
  
  Aug 19, 2012
  1 like
- Fool4Waiting
  Loved this comment. Go away postmaster.
  
  Aug 19, 2012
  1 like
- Fienchanny
  Yep...there's a long history. I have indeed chronicled a lot of it within the ILIASM group's posts.
  Long story short, no other man determined the fate of my marriage. I determined the fate of my marriage. That is, once I had the self-esteem to do so.
  
  Aug 19, 2012
  1 like
2 More Replies
postmaster546

Think of the children. Wait until they are 21 before making rash decisions. You should have got to know him before you got married. Too many people fling themselves into committed relationships without knowing what the expectations are. It is your duty to respect your husband, and communiacte to him, rather than simply disrespect him on a web site for millions to see. What a humility. I feel genuinely sorry for the poor bastard.

Mar 27, 2012
1 like
- Fienchanny
  Um, postmaster...no kids. We lived together for 10 years before marriage.
  Seems you need more facts before you rush to judgement :-)
  
  Mar 27, 2012
  1 like
- cairinkimberley
  You just don't get it postmaster Marriage/ Prison interesting concept - both with a life sentence except murders have the chance of parole. Peaches, sweetie - call you lawyer
  
  Mar 27, 2012
  1 like
- GenteelAnimal
  WTF? Try opening your eyes and stop reading the scripts. Its one thing to be clueless, but quite another to shove your cluelessness down someone else's throat.
  
  Mar 29, 2012
  1 like
- enna30
  I note that postmaster546 suggests to a man in this situation that he should hit his wife. Here he berates the woman for not respecting her husband . . . Kinda makes me glad he is not MY husband!!
  
  Mar 30, 2012
  1 like
1 More Reply
enna30

I suggest you write the letter, but keep it for a few days. IF he simmers down, I suggest you make an appointment to talk to him several hours ahead of when you plan to talk. As in: "Tonight after dinner I want to talk to you." He will probably urge you to "talk now" or ridicule you for making an appointment. Ignore those ploys!! Insist on a set time. Take the phone off the hook. Ensure the TV is OFF!!

Then quietly and as unemotionally as you can, simply tell him you are DONE. That his anger, his inability and / or unwillingness to consider your feelings, wants and desires; his childish behaviour (the silent treatment) - all these have effectively killed any love you once had for him.

Expect him to beg, plead, get angry, etc. etc. But hold tight to the knowledge that this behaviour is STILL all about him. HE wants to keep things as they are for HIS reasons.

OTOH, if he accepts what you say; acknowledges his arsehole behaviour and genuinely apologises for his actions, there MAY be a sliver of hope for your future. Sadly, I think such a response is unlikely.

If his mood does not improve in the next couple of days, just give him the letter.

Mar 27, 2012
4 likes
- cairinkimberley
  Keeping this for future reference - probably a lot more mature and classier than leaving him the house keys and the separation agreement on the dining room table as I drive away. - besides - I want the dining room table.
  
  Mar 27, 2012
  1 like
- Fienchanny
  Oh enna, I experienced a little of both reactions...
  It started with anger, questioning, etc. and morphed in acknowledging his behaviors, apologizing, etc.
  His shock put me off balance...I entertained too many of his questions...
  btw...the emotional detachment that I (successfully) displayed really angered him...did not expect that reaction.
  
  Mar 28, 2012
  1 like
- Fool4Waiting
  My husband wouldn't beg plead cry or anything else if I had this talk with him.
  Leaving is all my problem, believe me.
  
  Aug 19, 2012
  1 like
sickoftheexcuses

OMG This is just what my H did when we had the talk. Note to self: explain to H what quaility is when it comes to X. Guess mine isnt the only H to get the wires crossed.

Mar 27, 2012
2 likes
paxetlux

Way go your husband! Gotta admire the style with which he burns his bridges! No holding back at all. No doubts, no uncertainties. In a completely different context I might even be envious. Has he lost perspective or did he never have any to begin with?

I think I have only one question that I could even be slightly bothered to pose to him. Does this level of stupidity come naturally to him or does he have to make an on-going, concentrated and arduous effort?

My kingdom, my kingdom for a horse; my marriage for a $8 sweater. Talk about razor-sharp focus!

Mar 27, 2012
5 likes
- Fienchanny
  He is a self-focused human being who can be incredibly oblivious to events going on around him. The focus thing runs in his family, btw...
  It's very possible he has no idea of the ramifications of his actions over the last few days - if he won't allow me to be in the same room as him, how could he?
  I am thinking of writing him a letter - at the very least to get my thoughts on paper, in paragraph format.
  
  Mar 27, 2012
  1 like
- paxetlux
  You mentioned the letter before. What would your intent be behind it? If you are to all intents and purposes gone does it matter? I mean if you will permit me an inappropriate analogy, leaving a suicide note behind seems a bit pointless to me from the perspective of the person committing suicide unless they want to leave a lasting message for those left behind. In this situation why does it matter? Do you feel compelled to tell him 'why' or are you still trying to work out your own reasoning? If he accuses you of it always being about you (Oh the irony!) you could always just say "Yeah, if it makes you feel better".
  
  Mar 27, 2012
  1 like
- Fienchanny
  My intent would be to tell him our marriage is over. Yes, at some point he will speak to me again...historically it'll be about a week. Should I just wait for him to simmer down and then tell him I'm leaving?
  
  Mar 27, 2012
  1 like
- paxetlux
  It's your call, you know the man and the circumstances. However, if you are leaving you would be quite within your rights to tell him just that. Let's face it, you know already he is not on message, period. Let's see what others may think that actually been through the wrangle.
  
  Mar 27, 2012
  1 like
1 More Reply
lkibbie

I'm moving on as well. I can tell you you will have your moments but don't look back. Keep going forward and know that what is ahead of you is better than behind you! I support you my friend!

Mar 27, 2012
3 likes
morningteatime

You've chosen the right path but it's the hardest one, at least initially. You are finally looking your reality square in the eyes and deciding you want more for yourself. Somehow we dumb humans would rather stay in a dysfunctional situation because we have adapted to it and know what to expect rather than move into the unknown. But there is beauty and peace somewhere in the unknown, and it takes tremendous courage and faith to step out without knowing the outcome. You will be fine...just remember you are worth every moment of effort.

Mar 27, 2012
5 likes
- Fienchanny
  Very insightful words. Thank you.
  Breathing deeply...
  
  Mar 29, 2012
  1 like
JustBernieGirl

(((hugs))) I am sorry to hear that.

Mar 27, 2012
2 likes
Awakeforthedance

((( hugs ))) A prayer for wisdom and strength to flood your heart and for you to know and believe with all that you are that you are loved and not alone. ((( hugs )))

Mar 27, 2012
4 likes

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