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Is A Marriage Without Physical Intimacy A Marriage Or Friendship?

I am still with my wife and as expected the cycle continues.  I'm sure many of you can relate in that we go for a long time with little to no physical intimacy, me attempting to initiate only to be met with myriad of pandering excuses well crafted as to be plausible enough to be possible as well as ensure that I cant challenge them without 100% clarity of their falseness (i.e. I don't feel well, I am bloated ...really?, I am tired, I have a headache, my allergies have me completely congested....so on and so on).  I have to admit that my W is very gifted at coming up with these excuses. 

So there is me...massaging my wife's head, neck, shoulders hoping to relieve the pain so that she might feel up to making love to her husband...and...you guessed it...passed out.  This goes on for a while until I eventually succumb to the rejection induced withdrawl from the relationship which after some time causes my wife to begin to wonder why I am so distant and don't talk much.  For a while I continually answer Im fine at a vain attempt to stave off the inevitable "talk".   Finally she catches me a time when my anger/resentment is particularly high and I tell her my withdrawal is just a coping mechanism for me to deal with her constant rejection and lack of physical intimacy.  This is then met with reminders that sex for her is a chore and that she doesnt need or want it because of her childhood abuse (see my other story).  I re-explain that I NEED to feel sexually desired and wanted to be happy.  Blah blah blah...she eventually agrees to try to be more attentive and there for me physically.

For a while things go well....once a week typically and consistently for a while.  She even seems into it and seems to enjoy it (assuming she isnt faking...she ALWAYS finishes.  I make sure of it and if it is faked I am impressed and she deserves and oscar).  Then after some time I start to notice a bit more reluctance at my attempted advances which she then catches herself and feigns higher levels of interest....then progressing to obvious acquiescing and relative non-engaged participation...she still gets finishes but does NOTHING to help me do so.  This leaves me feeling like some kind of a pervert rapist...not a turn on for sure. 

Eventually she starts to get tired or sick again and I stop trying to get the obvious pity/obligatory sex with the husband and then start to look to find happiness in other things outside of a sex life with my wife.....cars...projects...work....video games (yeah...Im a kid sometimes agreed). 

So lately things seem to be changing for me though.  I am now 36 and have begun to notice that sex doesn't seem as important to me anymore.  I have prayed constantly for a reduction/complete loss of sexual desire to help save my marriage...is it actually happening now?  Will this make me happy? 

Is a marriage without physical intimacy actually a marriage at all?  Is it possible for me to feel emotionally connected to my wife without a healthy sex life?  It doesn't seem so...the less sex I have with my wife the farther and disconnected I feel from her and less I am there for her emotionally. 

This pattern just seems to have no end.  Is it my duty as a husband to continue to ride it out?  Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?  Can I expect my wife to just get over her sexual abuse issues or should I just accept having to pay for sins I had nothing to do with nor could prevent? 

Sad thing is last time we had the talk I told her I was starting to loose interest in her physically....I think she was relieved.  How sad and depressing is that to hear? 
demisis demisis 36-40, M 57 Responses Apr 2, 2012

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I refuse to give up on being a sexual person!!!!! I have been down this road too and wondered if I be happier but I refuse. I am a man. Sexual desire is normal, healthy, god given.

I don't believe what I'm reading here, I thought I was the only one with this problem. What I find so interesting is that I could have written this story, word for word! Having suffered 7 yrs. in this position, I have now completely gone off sex, but according to my wife I am the one who is being unreasonable. I wasn't very popular when I told her an old joke about the problem " Girls have sex to get married, guys get married to have sex" not quite the same thing! I even went through a period of really believing that she some how got off on rejecting & that maybe explained the arguments that would follow me not showing any interest in the subject. I am seriously considering having a chat with my GP about a way of permanently killing my sexual desire, but since she is a woman also I don't think she would understand my request, even if it was possible with some kind of drug maybe.

I swear this is my life, except for it's not me who refuses or turns down advances, it's my husband. He is older than me and I would almost allow that as an excuse, but for years I have watched him flirt with other women, he has cheated on me and yet I get nothing at home.

What makes this more frustrating is that he wants to do everything in the marriage except have that intimate bond that is only achieved through making love. He wants to hold my hand, hug, rub my back, walk next to me or slightly behind me in public with his hand on my hip, etc. Yet I literally have to beg for sex and am told that we need to rekindle that bond that we lost after his multiple affairs. He says it takes time. BS. I don't buy that. I want and need to know that he wants me as badly as he did anyone else and yet it's the ONE thing he refuses to give to me.

Everyone thinks that we have recovered so well from his affairs, but no one knows the living hell I go through. We argued about this this past weekend. He has not touched me since January. Three times I have initiated, wore sexy lingerie and gone outside my comfort zone to do things he's said he'd like me to do and each time, he was too tired and he would make it up to me.

I am at a loss. I am an attractive woman, successful and have forgiven him time and again for his shortcomings. I literally feel as though I'm dying inside because I need his touch, his reassurance that he still wants me and I need to see him looking in my eyes while we make love. I crave it to the point that I cry almost everyday on my way home from work because I know that I am going home to a swift good night kiss and hug and nothing more.

I am seriously considering a divorce. I know I won't be alone forever, but I want my marriage to work. I just don't know how at this point. It's just really a mess. I want him to want me, but at the same time I feel even worse after we do have sex (maybe 5 times a year) because I feel like it was pity sex or maybe because I know that it will be so long before he needs me again. I'm really not sure which.

Oh and let me add, I have begun drinking almost every night to cope. I know it's not healthy and all of that good jazz, but like I explained to him this weekend during our argument... if I drink to the point of oblivion, then I just go to bed and pass out and am too drunk to care that he doesn't want me. I've been on this binge for a year or so, but our sexless marriage has been ongoing for about 5 years. It's funny though. He travels for his job and frequently travels to a town about 2 hours away. When he's there, he wants me to come visit on the weekend and he wants sex then. But when we're at home, he will NOT touch me. I've gotten to the point that I refuse to go visit him because it makes me feel like s**t when I leave. Like I was just a piece of a** for a lonely guy.

Wow! Thats tough.I've been there in my second marriage. It was horrible. Right now my husband is totally impotent. It's pure hell at times.

If he were impotent, at least he'd have an excuse. But he's not impotent. He did have some issues with low testosterone about a year ago. He's been going to the doctor and getting injections and it's helped tremendously when we DO have sex, but he just never wants to. I often wonder if he's having an affair and kind of wished he was with someone he would leave me for, then that takes the burden of tearing our family up, off of me. It's so very convoluted.

AHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm so confused! He called me just now to ask a question about our sons after school activity today. As we were hanging up, he says "Alright, I love you". I didn't say it back, I can't, so I hung up. He called right back and proceeded to tell me how rude that was and how much that hurt HIS feelings. What???!! Really?! It's the oddest thing. He wants EVERY part of the marriage but intimacy and I just don't understand at all. What right does he have to be mad at me for feelings he caused?!

Hi Condrabo. Are you in Australia? I am a male in the same situation as you!

We're at the same boat, my hubby is 7 years younger than me...for him not sleeping with me is his punishment because I was "mean" to him.:( I was punished because I got pregnant and my hormones went crazy. Right now I can't talk to anyone I know because I don't want them to know what's happening to my marriage. My husband wouldn't even kiss me, he said I will never get it and we can never rekindle the intimacy we had. I started to get so afraid of even touching him because for him that was a sexual act. I started taking sleeping pills so I don't think about it at night...whenever I asked for a hug or beg for a hug, he will hug me to the point that I couldn't breath at all, he'll make it appear that all I want from him is sex. I am really losing my self-esteem now, he said he's not emotionally connected with me...so I was like, why are we still married?

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Demisis are you still having the trouble from 2012? Im interested cause Im kinda in the same boat. Thank you for the post you made.

Yup. Still in the same boat however the waves are getting larger and larger. I am pretty sure we are at a decision point in our relationship and I am pretty sure I know which way things will fall. Over this past weekend I finally had "the talk" with her and told her I am no longer willing to keep going through this cyclic hell of a relationship. I wrote up a long list of things that I feel are make or break needs for me in our relationship and I need her to either agree to meet them or be truthful with me and herself that she has no intention of meeting them. I await her response but if the past is any indication this will likely be the begining of our end. Sadly. I hope you fair better

So sorry Demisis. This is an extremely frustrating position that our spouses put us through.

However in my situation, last night for some reason he came alive and it was just like I wanted it to be. The only downfall is that I know it won't happen again for another few months, so it's really bittersweet when we do connect. It is so incredibly confusing why they do this to us over and over again. He says he knows it hurts me but doesn't know what to do about it. That is the angering part for me. He knows but does nothing.

What ever her background she is playing with you. Maybe that is all she knows. Since she was abused as a child she may feel justified in manipulating others .
You can only control what you do and how you react. You can be the "Good Guy" and put up wth it if you want but how long are you prepared to live that lie. You may confront her with your suspicions but if she is not prepared to accept your insight she will deny it.

The whole point is what are you pepared to live with and what are you not prepared to live with. When you answer that - you will know what to do .

I have been searching the web since I posted this looking for something that could help me in this hell that someone else has created for me. This trap left by an uncaring and worthless group of people who unknown to me ruined my would be wife and any chance of the life long love affair that I dreamed my marriage would be.

I have come across I site that had allot of interesting perspectives and information, at least for me and thought that based on the title of my post and its discussions this would be a perfect place to share just in case some other person is in a similar situation.

http://www.net-burst.net/sexuality/i-hate-sex.htm

Dont mind the title flamers...it really is a good article full of thought provoking discussion points and views from what I thought was a very neutral point of view. It may even be a catalyst to help share with your refusing spouse and try to get them to realize the pain and suffering they are inflicting. It definitely helped me to realize the pain my wife is going through. It didnt make it any easier for me but at least it helped me by allowing me to relate and see my actions/reactions are normal.

My husband and I havent had sex in 3 1/2 years. He never had a strong libido, where I did. And another time we went 2 years without it too. And I was always the one to initiate and after our son was born it just went to the way side. He is a wonderful man, I love him like a teddy bear, but have no desire to have sex with him anymore. He is not the "manly" type but neither is he gay. He is just a soft kinda guy, great dad, and wonderful husband in other respects. Besides I get off on my own very well without him, and I'm sure he's doing the same thing. We dont talk about it but have a loving, respectful relationship.We also have always slept in separate bedrooms because of his snoring. I know we are just roomates raising a son - but we dont ever talk about having issues with this so I guess we're both OK. I'm also a creative artist so get my passion out that way. People talk about this "soulmate" thing and I dont get it - so dont guess I know what I'm missing out on. I dont think sexless marriages are unusual, or spouses not sleeping in the same bed. I have 2 other friends who live the same way and are in wonderful marriages - they travel, do things together. Being happy first and self-confident has much to do with it. I dont need to be physically loved to feel loved. My husband shows it in all the other things he does for me, and I do for him. Being intimate does not make a marriage - it's icing on the cake I guess - if you want that. But if either person IS unhappy because they arent having sex than I can see where there is a problem. ANd that's what I'm hearing here. Perhaps, "self-loving" would relief some of that tension and then focus on the other good things of the marriage. Just my 2cents!

Wow. You just wrote my story in every detail. Knowing that the physical needs and emotions I crave is not mutual is driving me crazy. It feels like a heavy cloud on my shoulders. I wish to be happy again. She doesn't make it easy. I feel all I have now is my plastic smile and frustration.

With a bit of guilt I say it's nice to know I am not alone. Talking doesn't help, this has been a slow progression over the last three years, we are at a point that I have completly given up. I have no self esteem left and each day just gets harder. I cry more often than I smile. The tough part is our friends see the surface of us and tell me how lucky I am and what an amazing person I am, I wish they could see what I deal with everday. I am so deperate for a freakin hug, I have come to term with the fact that he has no sexual desire for me, all I want is to be held and maybe the pieces of me could be put back together. I think that's the hardest just wanting to be held. Is it bad that I don't want it to be him anymore? I used to be happy, but those days are gone.

I send to you a heart felt hug! Know I understand all too well the pain you feel. While it know it makes not much of a difference sometimes knowing your not completely alone in your misery provides some solace. our friends think our marriage is perfect too...well they did until this year when I decided to stop pandering and making excuses for her. Now I am real at least with my friends. I respect my wife but I am also sure to correct anyone that says things like "you guys are such a happy couple". Needless to say this does not sit well with my wife but she cant argue with truth.

I wish you could feel the warmth and love you so longingly need!! It is not much to ask in this world is it?

You can't expect your wife to "get over" her abuse...but you can expect her to seek out therapy and appropriate coping mechanisms in order to have healthy intimate relationships. Engaging a partner in a cycle of alternating intimacy and rejection can be a way of perpetuating the abuse, in fact. It is not purely a matter of physical preference, it entails the emotional as well, as you have pointed out. From my own experience, it sounds as though the person you want as your partner, is not prepared to be anyone's partner at this juncture. I say this with all respect, as a survivor of similar abuse.

I must agree. I have started to come to terms that it would appear her desire to be happy with me and make me happy is woefully insignificant to her desire to NOT face the pain of working through this issue. I cant provide the motivation to heal...only she can. And unfortunately her love for me just isnt strong enough and I dont have the emotional fortitude after 15years of rejection to continue with a smile on my face with hope that someday...someday maybe things will magically change. I ask over and over what I have done to earn this followed shortly by what am I supposed to learn? Pain...how to retract inside oneself. How to be emasculated and still learn to love the one who inflicts it? I realize its not intentional but damage is damage whether collateral or targeted unfortunately. It hurts just as much either way, perhaps more because at least with intention I could leverage anger and contempt but for me...anger just breads sorrow and disappointment for my failure to love unconditionally.

Did you make it "though"? What provided you the motivation? Thanks for sharing!!

My husband is like your wife. Though he suffers from depression. He has no interest or urge to have sex. So to go long periods of time without sex does not bother him. For me I feel unloved, ingored and lost. It has been this way for the last 8 years. I do think about divorce daily. But financially I could not procede with one. So I am stuck living this way. Like Abunay I feel more like room mates than husband and wife.

It is sad... I live in a sexless marriage as well. Funny enough, my wife has the same excuses. I do not believe that it will work out eventually. I think of divorce on a daily basis. Tried the same talks you had, with no luck of course.

So, I really do not believe that a sexless marriage can work out. It is like living with my best friend without the privilege of being able to have a girlfriend!!!

Well at least I'm not alone, I feel for all of you! My girlfriend won't touch me except after a couple months of rejection I finally get to the point where I have to make a big scene of it, then usually she gives me the pity sex a couple days later. The constant rejection makes me feel horrible about myself and then she gets mad at me saying I need to have more self esteem, believe it or not! I explain that it is her lack of attention and rejection that is making me feel that way, but she doesn't get it. When I compliment her on her looks or clothes I get a look like "yeah ok you're just saying that" yet she seems thrilled by others compliments. I work, get the kids up and ready for school daily, I do all the dishes & laundry, sweep the floors, open doors for her, buy her flowers for no reason, and anything I can think of to get her attention, to no avail. Saddest part is, a couple months ago I let her pick out ANY ring she wanted for engagement with no limits and she picked out a $4000 ring that I am now 1/3 done paying for and she STILL has no interest in intimacy! We met 17 years ago and had just been split up for 4 years, after she called off our previous engagement! The SHE wanted me to come home, which I did somewhat reluctantly at first, but then I got really happy to be back and once that happened she seemed to lose interest. My only thought is that staying is better than being alone and at least I get to be with my boys all the time! Good luck to you all, I wish you all happiness no matter what decisions you make in your lives

You must be kidding! Already no sex and you're getting engaged to be married and paying thru the nose for the privilege to face a life of no sex? You're a joker or a masochist! She's clearly not interested in you yourself, as the previous cancellation of the wedding attests to; probably looking for your resources and/or third choice because others turned out not to be interested in her. Your turn to call it off, sell the ring, and look for a lover. Good luck.

My situation is similar... I have asked my husband to see a doctor about our lack of intimacy but it has been 9 months and still no doctors appointment. My husband is a perfect roommate, a perfect father, a perfect friend, but I have no self esteem left. I feel so very undesirable. It is to the point that we go to bed facing opposite directions. We sit on separate sides of the couch. I am lonely in a house where my husband is usually by my side. How can that be? The problem is that I love him and don't want to leave him but I can't imagine the remainder of my life being without intimacy. I am only 54 years old. People have always said how beautiful/attractive I am, but if my husband doesn't show me that he is interested in me, then it's hard to find comfort in that. I don't know what to do.

Jannie19, I am in the exact same situation. You are not alone. I am trying to figure out how to live in a no sex/no intimacy relationship. It's not a marriage. Not the one I envisioned. I don't know what to do either!

Jannie19 and Peach96, I am in the same sort of situation. Our baby is only 19 months old and he is a good person and a good father, but he has no interest in me. I feel fat and unattractive, but I have been told by others that I am a pretty and kind person. He is my friend, but that's really all it is. I'm 41 and don't know if I can remain in a marriage where there is no intimacy, but I don't want to leave because of our son. I am so sad, I can't believe I've turned to posting this to strangers on the internet.

Not sure how old this post is but it may just help me vent! I understand how you feel it's been 10 years n getting worse, in the beginning everything was good won't say he was a sex crazed man like my ex husband but I would have hoped for a little more touch feel intimacy hug a kiss out of the blue I have cried myself to slept many nights feeling so sad to have the man I love next to me n nothing sex always was starred by me but always about him nothing oral about him sad that I have spoke up n said what I need what I want n nothing I believe he loves me totally but why does t he get that he has a part in sex ! that it's is a huge pArt Of staying close I feel like his child 11 year difference in age but it is to the point where resentment in me is Turing to hatred n I love him but I feel if he does t change. Or at least try baby steeps that I am going to loose my mind at at 45 ! I don't know how to turn sexuality off ! Thanks for reading

I will the same way too. My marriage is perfect except for
the sex part... there isn't any. Wish there was a switch

I am in the same boat!

Hi Jannie I'm 32 and on the same boat. My husband is an amazing friend and great father to our kids but as a lover he shows no interest. Sex is important to me and I tell him. Sex will be good for a couple of days then bam it's back to a loveless life. It's the same thing over and over and over and over again. I too don't know what to do

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I am having very similar issues. My husband rejects me every time I turn around. We were only married 3 months ago. He even pulls away from me if I touch too close when he's asleep. He snuggled against me Christmas night and called me another woman's name. He swears until he is blue in the face that he is not and has not ever cheated on me in the 2 years we have been together. I don't know what to believe. He says he loves me, even sent me an email while I was asleep next to him, telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he is for the lack of intimacy. But still continues to do nothing about it. He doesn't kiss me the same, he doesn't look at me the same, or any of the other things that I always loved. The last time we had sex he kept his face buried in my arm the whole time, I can't even tell you when the last time he finished during sex. I feel so incredibly lost and alone right now. His PTSD causes him to shut down when I try to talk to him sometimes. I want to cry myself to sleep sometimes but don't want to wake him.
Oh and we have 4 kids between us, 3 of which live with us. We haven't had a date night in over a year. Since his kids came home. He finally told me that the chances of us ever having a date night were non-existent. He's too paranoid about getting a babysitter. (The 2 youngest kids mother took off with the kids and could not be found for almost 2 years.)

So many people sharing d same experience. What intrigues me is d fact that someone who claims to have proven their love for u thru matrimony thereby agreeing to b sensitive to ur feelings can b so selfish n choose to completely ignore ur sentiments. Wud they have been d same had things been d other way around? My husband wudv never accepted this yet he expects me to accept him d way he is n even b in love wid him to top it all. I dont understand how one can b in love wid someone n not b attracted to him/her physically.

Hi hun I am going through the same thing. What you describe (the not wanting to talk the anger and resentment) I am experiencing too. I am 33 but I am a woman, my husband has no interest at all, not just in sex but any form of intimacy. I have spoke to him many times and like your situation it changes for a short while to placate me but all too soon it returns to the same freindship state. I was abused as a child but I have dealt with it (alone) nobody except my husband knows.
I need to do something because it consumes my thoughts. I have been tempted to look for someone else but I couldn't hurt him like that. I am at the point of letting my marraige end because the loneliness is so painful.
I hope you find a way to feel better and if you do please let me know how xxx

If I knew what I knew today, when are relationship started I would have bailed out, but I didnt and here I am today. Me and my wife had great sex and closeness until we moved In together. Then it pretty much ended seems like I worked hard for it then even. She sId once she was abused by her mothers x, but then recanted later. Her father left her and her sister at age 2. She doesnt elaborate much on that. Thing is our relationship has everthing but one thing. That intimacy I desire, and always have. Almost 30 years invested, and the last 10 with NO sex. Am I a fool? THAT ONE THING, IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME. I DONT EVEN WANT TO HOLD HER HAND ANY MORE, AND SHE JUST CONTINUES TO ACT LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG. SO MANY YEARS DOWN A PATH MAKES IT HARD TO EVER TURN BACK. I HAVE A FRIEND IN THE SAME SITUATION JUST NOT AS SURVERE. HE WANTS A DIVORCE, BUT IS SCARED TO ADMIT DEFEAT TOO.

Forensicfox... I hear you... I'm a woman 34 and it has been almost 3 years since my husband and I had sex. I am a passionate creative sensitive person and I have struggled with depression in the past. My husband and I had a short courtship and got married a year after we met. Since the beginning I had a fear of him not really loving me, I wrote on my journal at the time that I had a feeling he wasn't in love with me and it was more of a business partnership. I really tried to make things work but after we had our daughter it became very hard. No intimacy whatsoever. I would actually call it neglect. Never heard my feelings, my needs. I can't live in a marriage where there is no emotional connection. After many attempts to make him know that I was unhappy. I completely lost any attraction or romantic feelings towards him. I see him as my brother if that makes sense. He works a lot, always provides, and has been trying too hard after I told him this past week I wanted a divorce. He thinks that God can do a !itacvle and feels so sorry for what he has done to me. He says he loves me and wants a fresh start. I can't see myself living a happy passionate life with him, cause we have never had. I feel guilt for divorcing him but I can't sacrifice my life. He still cannot believe I'm for real about the divorce. I care about him but I don't see any other way.
Its a hard desicion to make.

Hi roomate7 I recently found that writing in a journal app is all that is keeping me sane! I have the same thoughts as you... is he only with me as it is convenient?! I know how it will end....In divorce I just don't know when yet. Then the thoughts of what if he does something stupid like takes an OD if I leave, it is like you talk yourself out of leaving. The sad thing is we can never get back the years we lost on someone who didn't deserve them! Please keep in touch, let us know how you are doing xxx

I completely understand. I want a divorce but am torn because our 19 month old loves his daddy so much. I have told him I want to work out the issue or get a divorce but there is no action or response from him. Lately, I am feeling like I don't even want to work it out because I am losing my interest in him. I am so sad and don't know what to do. I hope things work out well for you.

I feel ur pain :-(

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I hate to see how many people have the same problem as me. However, it's good to know I may not be crazy or asking too much from my husband.
We have been married for ten years, together for 13 & our sex life has always been very minimal. I love this man & he is so good to me in every other way. But I am a very affectionate person. If we have sex, I instigate it. Unless of course he has been drinking. When I'm sober, the last thing I want is to have sex with my drunk husband.

He isn't comfortable with me at all. He won't talk to me about his fantasies or what turns him on. (I feel like I should know these things by now). He doesn't want me to touch him. I can't even rub his shoulders when he is tired. There is no sexual connection what so ever between us.

We have gone at least 9 months without sex & 4 to 7 months is very normal. When we do, I could give you a play by play. Its always the same & he is NOT open to new things.

I believe in marriage & making it work. But I find myself fantasizing about other men. When the man you love doesn't even want you to run your fingers through his hair, how do you not take it personally? He never compliments me unless I ask him if I look ok. I compliment him a lot. I keep thinking he will realize how good it feels & return the favor. I just want to feel wanted & desired. Instead I feel like his roommate.

I don't know if I'm being unrealistic. Like I said, he is a great man but I don't know if I can live without that connection. I'm so lost.

I know how you feel. My experience has been on both sides. Currently, I am in a marriage where I am wanting intimacy so bad, but I am scared to try anymore. I have medical problems, REAL ones, and am so stressed, but my husband is not good when I ask for help, even if I just need a hug and supportive words.

I've tried to make myself more attractive, and telling him how I feel, and I take the time to listen to him. But, it seems he just wants to watch television. I could be sitting two feet away in lingerie, but he didn't have a clue. So, I'm scared. I am so sad of rejection. I even mentioned divorce in the last few weeks and he calls me crazy. I told him I can't go for years without intimacy. He says I am wrong, but I told him to look at this body language. His arms were folded and he couldn't look me in the eye. No hug, NOTHING. I ask him what do I need to do for him and he can't come up with a response. He tells me I'm too stressed out.

I feel so unwanted I am starting to imagine myself in other relationships, just to fill the void. I wish I could turn my feelings and needs off, too. I feel your pain. Have you tried counseling? Even if she doesn't want to go, you can. But, she needs to meet you half way with wanting help.

Don't feel bad about your other hobbies. They will help you de-stress. That's what I do, and have met some nice people along the way.

I hope things are going well for you. Your post is over a year old so I hope this problem has subsided.

I feel the same exact Way with my husband . We haven't even been married a year and he never wants to touch me, I'm dying inside trying to hOld it together but at this point I feel sO emotionally drained. I tryed so much to initiate it and I got turned down so much that now I find myself not even attracted to him anymore. I can count on one hand how many times we have had sex in the past year. I just don't know what to do anymore. The resentment just keeps building :/

Im sorry to here that Sadwife, im in the same boat and my husband and I are so disconnected that I find myself at times sleeping on the couch. We have been together or 6 six years and married for 3, and we agrue so much I think because there's no connection so that causes alot of friction. i have never been hug by him nor french kiss so im at a no win situation that i tells him about and he trys for 2 or 3 days and slack off and then months goes by and we are back were we started before. When we go out i get sad when i seen couples into each other like kissing, holding hands, and the man just showing his affection for that woman. I want that and I feel like im dying inside of whom Im really am. A marriage will not survive without that bond/connection from the partner, it just want. I find myself fantasizing about an affair, and im headed down that road, just dont know what to do myself, resentment on my end just keeps building

Im in the same situaiton with me now wife of one week, weve dated on and off for nearly 19 years, when we got back together in 2008 intimacy was plentyful but one year later that all changed. Ive know been waiting 16 months for any intimacy, each time i try she laughs at my attempts, or winds me up and when we retire and i expet the yawning starts and nothing happens not even on our wedding night or honeymoon just a week ago.

can marriage last without? i do not know, i do everything i can to make her feel loved and special, i clean our home help her pay bills everything a husband should be, but the lack of intimacy pulls me down makes me feel undesirable. shes 35 6 years younger than me, while my sexual drive is at its peak hers is zero.

faith is the only thing that keeps me going that she might change. all she wants to do is retire early each night to sleep. i get moaned at by drinking beers at weekends, but as i Argued just last night its the only pleasure i get as she gives me none, when it has occured, it lasts only mins before shes had enough and i havent even started. or i giver her oral pleasure and get nothing in return.

how long we will remain like this i do not know its hard, but keep positive as far as our wives are concerned its thier loss, but i dont want to lose my sex drive without actually getting to use it

Well mine a sentence: Life to serve 23. That's when the youngest turns 18 and I get out of the state's potential statutes on CSupport. If reincarnation exits, I sure will never do marriage again. Like Never.

I honestly think the answer to your situation would be clear and easy to make, except that you have children. That is probably the worst part.

I'm so relieved to know I'm not the only one going through this. My boyfriend of 9 years has not wanted to have any intimacy at all for almost three years now. He works day and night -- almost two full time jobs. He's always tired yet finds an hour to work out about 4-5 nights a week. I've become so sad and depressed and kept hoping and hoping things would change but they haven't. It's too much to think about most days so I just maintain the status quo. I am 52 and he is 56.

I am just glad to know I'm not the only one going thought this and questioning why I'm even with him....

im afraid the reason we are all with our partners is the same. we love them, despite how thier actions make us feel we love them and have faith to wait to see if they will change or see what they are doing to change and make an effort

While I am saddened at your story, It is one I have been living for a little I we a decade now and I am at least relieved to know that I am not alone.

I love my wife. She "loves" me. Distant, cold and hurtful to be so dismissed. I'm at the end of my rope. Have begun on-line "fantasy" relationships with other women that are just more unfulfilling drama that I don't need.

I don't want divorce but, I don't think life will be possible any other way. She can't or won't change to fix this and I don't believe her anymore

I ant an intimate loving relationship like we had for the first half of our marriage. There has for to be someone out there that will desire me

Demisis,
I can only speak to my situation. What you decide to do is up to you. In my mid 30s going without sex wasn't a big deal either but later on it was. As for just being friends that is not what people get married for is it? I had the you don't talk to me stuff either but she would call me about three times a day at work and many other times outside of work (I really hate cell phones), so when I got home what was there to talk about that hadn't already been covered. It is not like I shut her out or gave her the cold shoulder there just wasn't much new to tell her.
I do think what you say about withdrawing from someone who won't be intimate with you applies to me as well. It is like she won't get intimate with me but i have to fulfill her every emotional need. My stbx has other emotional issues as well. The lack of intimacy is just a symptom.
She also claimed to really enjoy what little sex we used to have before she cut me off completely. So it was frustrating to think she would withhold something we both enjoy just because of whatever hangups she had. Like you if she was lying why lie? And if she was faking it she should have been an actress because she was damn good at it. I also see no reason for her to fake it because she never went out of her way to pretend to be happy about anything else, why do it with sex. It she didn't like something she was never shy about letting me know. She always let me know exactly what bothered her all of the time. It is one of the major reasons I divorced her.
So you have your own path to tread and i will not steer you one way or the other. I just want you to think about the type of person who would treat their spouse in such a manner about anything. I had already decided to divorce my wife before i found this site but it opened my eyes to the fact that what was going on in my case was not just some "problem" my wife had it was a character issue. She knew sex was important to me, she even told me I was a whole different person when we were sexually active (she meant it in a good way), but it still did not matter to her. Her needs in this area, just like her fears in other areas trumped everything else. This was not a problem my wife had i had to deal with it was a choice on her part that reflected what type of person she was.
Lastly, I do not think it is anyone's "duty" to ride out a relationship that is almost totally one sided. I cannot tell you where to draw the line but I drew mine. I considered myself to be in an abusive marriage. I stayed with it out of my belief that marriage is sacred. I no longer hold such a belief. NO ONE should stay in an abusive relationship. IT SERVES NO PURPOSE!
Good luck to you and keep in touch if you wish. I care about your situation.

Did she try to get help? It sounds like she was overwhelmed and trying to reach out to you, although it was a very disfunctional way of doing so. Women are more emotional but it sounds like she was using her emotions to make you feel guilty about some imaginary problem. Am I close?
Take care!

My wife was never "reaching out to me". It was always about her.
She was always in crisis about something and never got help. She was very manipulative and controlling. I am glad to be away from her. I found someone who isn't like that and love her very much.

I'm starting to think its me.

I am in the same position as above. It has been a year and 5 months and 14 days. I am starting to think its me. I read the 5 love languages and started doing "act of service" however that didn't seem to work. I find myself taking care of it myself( which is embarrassing to say) but I am not a cheat. I don't know what to do....

38 and hopeless.

Please, please consider your situation outside of the framework of "if only I learned to love her better"! That can be such a trap and I am afraid on most cases it is all the church has to offer men who are in very bad marriages. It is the man's responsibility to love their wives. It is not their responsibility to fix or even take responsibility for fixing everything wrong in their marriage. If the wife refuses to see most or any of her problems it is not the man's "place" to take her abuse nor is it proper to gloss over a wife's bad behavior.
All my wife seemed to get from the church was sympathy and all I got was admonitions to "serve her more" or "learn better communication techniques". The five love languages was just one cure all book. My major love language was touch. Guess how much of that I got from a spouse who would not even let me put my arm around her at night? Hers was acts of service but there weren't enough hours in the day to meet her black hole of needs. So what is the purpose of knowing a spouses "love languages" if she uses it to demand more a while she ignores mine?
The church needs to grow up and realize that men and women have to work in a marriage and that things like severe mental illness cannot not be treated like a communication problem of a lack of understanding of the other persons needs.
You should not be 38 and hopeless. You should either be 38 and getting help or 38 and developing an exit strategy.
Best of luck to you and feel free to write.

I think that there is a lack of understanding on both sides. It all boils down to men give love to get sex, get that "itch" scratched. Women give sex to get love. After the "heat-period" of a new marriage, and as the years go on, it gets monotonous and predictable. She feels used, he feels like he has to perform tiresome preliminaries to get her aroused, and little home interactions have an *edge* that leaves us irritable and we go off by ourselves to decipher why we seem to go around feeling hurt all the time. Like a pitcher that has been badly handled, we have stress cracks. Some marriages hold together anyway, and some ends up shattered. As long as civility and respect remains, it is possible the marriage will endure through mutual commitment. If the rest of life is good than maybe each partner will convince themselves that what the marriage still presents is enough, even without passion.

Anyone who feels "used" having sex with their spouse even after many years of marriage, has major problems and not just sex problems. the same goes for those who consider preliminaries to get her aroused "tiresome".
Yipes!!!!

No physical intimacy is a friendship, not a marriage....