Is A Marriage Without Physical Intimacy A Marriage Or Friendship?I am still with my wife and as expected the cycle continues. I'm sure many of you can relate in that we go for a long time with little to no physical intimacy, me attempting to initiate only to be met with myriad of pandering excuses well crafted as to be plausible enough to be possible as well as ensure that I cant challenge them without 100% clarity of their falseness (i.e. I don't feel well, I am bloated ...really?, I am tired, I have a headache, my allergies have me completely congested....so on and so on). I have to admit that my W is very gifted at coming up with these excuses.
So there is me...massaging my wife's head, neck, shoulders hoping to relieve the pain so that she might feel up to making love to her husband...and...you guessed it...passed out. This goes on for a while until I eventually succumb to the rejection induced withdrawl from the relationship which after some time causes my wife to begin to wonder why I am so distant and don't talk much. For a while I continually answer Im fine at a vain attempt to stave off the inevitable "talk". Finally she catches me a time when my anger/resentment is particularly high and I tell her my withdrawal is just a coping mechanism for me to deal with her constant rejection and lack of physical intimacy. This is then met with reminders that sex for her is a chore and that she doesnt need or want it because of her childhood abuse (see my other story). I re-explain that I NEED to feel sexually desired and wanted to be happy. Blah blah blah...she eventually agrees to try to be more attentive and there for me physically.
For a while things go well....once a week typically and consistently for a while. She even seems into it and seems to enjoy it (assuming she isnt faking...she ALWAYS finishes. I make sure of it and if it is faked I am impressed and she deserves and oscar). Then after some time I start to notice a bit more reluctance at my attempted advances which she then catches herself and feigns higher levels of interest....then progressing to obvious acquiescing and relative non-engaged participation...she still gets finishes but does NOTHING to help me do so. This leaves me feeling like some kind of a pervert rapist...not a turn on for sure.
Eventually she starts to get tired or sick again and I stop trying to get the obvious pity/obligatory sex with the husband and then start to look to find happiness in other things outside of a sex life with my wife.....cars...projects...work....video games (yeah...Im a kid sometimes agreed).
So lately things seem to be changing for me though. I am now 36 and have begun to notice that sex doesn't seem as important to me anymore. I have prayed constantly for a reduction/complete loss of sexual desire to help save my marriage...is it actually happening now? Will this make me happy?
Is a marriage without physical intimacy actually a marriage at all? Is it possible for me to feel emotionally connected to my wife without a healthy sex life? It doesn't seem so...the less sex I have with my wife the farther and disconnected I feel from her and less I am there for her emotionally.
This pattern just seems to have no end. Is it my duty as a husband to continue to ride it out? Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Can I expect my wife to just get over her sexual abuse issues or should I just accept having to pay for sins I had nothing to do with nor could prevent?
Sad thing is last time we had the talk I told her I was starting to loose interest in her physically....I think she was relieved. How sad and depressing is that to hear?
demisis 36-40, M 46 Responses 2 Apr 2, 2012