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Yet Another Step...

Tonight was our last couples' counseling session. Yay! Was unbelievable what he said, too. One, he was all whiny and trying to get me to feel sorry for him, pulled a giant stream of "woe is me" crap. Two, said that he thought if we just had sex once that that might turn things around and bring us back together. Three, he wanted us to try a trial separation, to which I've already said no.

So I replied that a trial separation is moot, because it would't change anything, I am done. I told him there is no way we are having sex because the sexual attraction is gone. I didn't buy into his pity party either. He said there was this huge wall between us and he would do anything to try and break through it, including having sex. The therapist asked if the wall was there because of anger and resentment toward my husband, and I said the anger I was feeling was because I've had to say things over and over and I feel like no one has heard me, and it makes me upset. I said we've talked about this issue so much it is like beating a dead horse and that my decision on the marriage is final and absolute: I'm done.

Hopefully that finally sinks in and we can move on with the legal piece and get through this. I got the paperwork from the courthouse and have been researching mediation attorneys. I do have my own lawyer I can retain if the need arises. We aren't totally adversarial, but I have someone just in case.

Getting there, little by little things are moving forward. Thanks again everyone, without this place I'd still be stuck and unhappy, now I actually have some (dare I say it?) hope.
misssunnybunny misssunnybunny 41-45, F 16 Responses Apr 4, 2012

Your Response


good luck bunny!

I am so proud of you - You have a whole new wonderful future ahead. One step at a time and you will be great. Think about all the things you can do now and all the people you will meet and get to know. There will be a few times that you may be alone but you don`t have to be lonely, trapped or downtrodden anymore. I am so getting aboard this freedom train as soon as I can purchase my ticket. <br />
Best wishes and blessings on you.

Good luck, Bunnie.<br />
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My stbx asked that we attend couples' counseling. I told him, "I'll attend counseling, but what's the point of doing it together? I'm checked out of this marriage and I don't want back in."<br />
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So glad to hear of your success!

Thanks, everyone! We are now working on the legal stuff, bit by bit, and talking about who gets what. I've been trying to decide if I should stay near where I live now or relocate to another state. I've been trying to figure out where I'd move and can't make up mu mind. Maybe one big life change at a time?

I am happy for you and proud of you!!! <br />
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I am so ******* sick and tired of "therapists" questioning my feelings as though I am too confused/angry/whatever to know what I'm REALLY feeling. Your therapist almost sounds the same.

If you needed an epiphany, this was it. "...he would do anything ... including having sex."<br />
The last resort. OMG. <br />
I send you a big hug and look forward to welcoming you to the other side.

Well, blast the fireworks and light up the sky!!! Good for you for sticking to it! I hope that I too can maintain the fortitude I need to see it through. My H and I had the talk over the weekend and agreed to stick together to the end of the school year for the kids but I hope I don't back down because now he is trying to be nice. Stick with it! Fire your Counselor! Have a party and celebrate your independence!

He said ' There was this huge wall between us & he would do anything to break it down & that includes having sex". If that wasn't a BIG, GIANT, HUGE wtf moment nothing is. Think about it. He was saying "well if I HAVE to have sex with you to get you back I will but I am only doing this for your sake" <br />
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His answer gave you all the information you need. I got the same answer this was followed by her ACTIONS of "I will make it so bad for him he just wont bug me about it anymore". <br />
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It is play # 73a in the refuser playbook which states " As a last resort & ONLY as a last resort...agree to have sex with him or her then do everything you can to make it the most miserable sex they have ever had. This will stop all future attemps. The added bonus of this is that it will allow you to say to your spouse well I did what you wanted but it wasn't enough so it is YOUR fault you & YOU are the one denying ME". Well the now soon to be ex was right. It TOTALLY, COMPLETELY KILLED any desire I had for sex with her.<br />
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What she didn't count on was it also made me say I am DONE with the sex AND the marriage all together. Yes even though they study the refuser playbook well they are just stupid enough not to realize that this can backfire on them. Why would they realize it. It always worked in the past.<br />
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Anyway he gave you all the information you needed. he still doesn't realy want to have sex with HIS WIFE..But if he absolutely has to & sees no other way to maintian his OWN needs he will. <br />
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While the split will have it's painful moments & moments of doubt YOU can start living for YOU. best of luck in the new happy future you will have.<br />
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Bang Away<br />
NSH :-)

Wow, I guess I am not the only one in a similar situation! I understand where you are coming from. Keep your head held high! You are going in the right direction!

Amazing is it not? I am surprised the counselor did not redirect your stbx's statement about sex. It drives to the core of the divide because what he said was that he would even muster up desire for you (who cares if its real or not) to save the marriage - lets clarify that - he would even bend over backwards and fvck you inspite of himself to protect his own selfish interests which has nothing really to do with loving you or wanting you. His comment about Being able to turn things around if you had sex once had me was funny. Blessings on your continued journey.

Thanks for that. Unfortunately she and he were on the same page about that one. I'm the evil b!tch hurting him....glad to be rid of the crackpot! this the therapist who said sex really wasn't important?

Yes, it is....glad to be rid of her.

As one who has made the choice to declare independence from my own sexless (and extremely dysfunctional) marriage, I commend you on your "declaration of independence!" Count on us for all the support you need in the months ahead! <br />
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Vive le revolution!

My wife did the same thing. Once she realized I was going, the guilt trips just came pouring out.

well I have not left yet, but I told her that we should start making separate plans for retirement. Suddenly everything was nopt "good" No kidding! It was all my fault! lol She has been giving the big guilt trips about crap that ios not even true. She refused, she drew away. She wanted to stay married anyways. I just tried to keep the peice and see if I could change her. That, I found will never happen.

I second Rucca and add that he thinks having sex ONE TIME would fix everything.

keep the lawyer. sometimes you guys might become adversaries once he sees mama ain't playin. stay strong and do it. do it for all of us who can't. hope all goes well.

let us not become terrorists ourselves in the attempt to protect ourselves let us remember compassion and discernment in our reactions to imagration in generall let us not forget that endless one is a native American your ansesters to immigrated here from somewhere

I love it....He'd do *anything* to break that wall down, even *gasp!* have sex.<br />
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Congrats on your spinal fortitude. Hope it's contagious.

I love it....He'd do *anything* to break that wall down, even *gasp!* have sex. Love it!!

But just the once...apparently. As that would turn everything around. Crikey.

That comment alone totally astounded me. I was will tyo comprimise with my wife, I want sex once a week. lol I know she feels like you do, so it was not really an option.

Yay Blu!! Happy for you!!<br />
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Hey, that rhymes!

It is as if you were a poet, but were as to this moment unaware.