I Didn't Expect This

I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for 8. We seemed to have a good marriage for the first year, but ever since we had children, and our lives turned upside down, we have absolutely no connection or intimacy. We have sex about 3-4 times a year. In fact, the only time we have sex is when we are on vacation or away from our kids, so I resent that he only tries to have sex just during those times. What about the rest of the year? I would rate our sex life, when we actually do have sex, as predictable and boring, so its not I'm missing it that much. What I'm missing os the PASSION that I used to feel during sex. I don't love my husband anymore, or at least I don't have any feelings of love toward him anymore, but I do care about him. He is the father of our kids, and I don't want our family to break up. He does not TRY in this marriage. He just brings home a paycheck, and is my roommate at this point. He doesn't initiate conversation, he doesn't initiate sex, he doesn't initiate ANY thing. Can you see why I don't have any feelings toward him? No brainer. Divorce is not in the picture. I'm just lonely as hell, and wish I had someone to share my life with. I long for an emotional connection. I never thought I'd be in a marriage this empty and dead.

Lonelylife Lonelylife
41-45, F
4 Responses May 13, 2008

I wasn't even getting sex on vacation so I'm actually a little envious... but I totally understand your feelings of frustration and hurt. I've definitely been there. It was killing me to feel so incredibly lonely in an apparently happy, healthy marriage (from what others saw). He had no interest in making changes even though he claimed to love me and didn't want me to leave. After 3 plus years with zero intimacy (aside from an occasional chaste kiss in front of our daughter - for show), I got out. It hasn't been easy but I'm ready to heal and move on. If I'm going to feel so lonely I'd rather actually be alone.

Lonely, I know what you mean about the "vacation sex"!!! I bet we made love 20 times last year and 10-12 of those times were on vacation. In fact, 5 of those times were in two days on one vacation! I think that, sometimes, home reminds her of work; she only works outisde the home about 1 day each week. The other days, she does a good deal of cleaning and such around the house. When we make love in a hotel room, she doesn't have to clean the sheets or pick the underwear up off the floor! I would guess your husband does not have those issues, though, so I don't know...<br />
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I do know how frustrated you feel, especially about the PASSION part. I would trade my non-vacation once a month sex for just a passionate kiss once a week!<br />
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Anyway, there are a lot of people here who can listen and share their experiences, and, for me, that helps.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's practically one of the loneliest places to be. You are not single, yet you are not really attached either. It's a tough spot socially as you can only relate to other dysfunctional marriages and then only if they're brave enough to spill those beans because once you say how bad your marriage is, you can't take it back. I've found I've alienated a few of our functional couple friends with this revelation.

I almost know exactly how you feel.<br />
I found this site looking for answers for why my wife is late for everything, and fell upon the sexless marraige post and thought there are others like me.<br />
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Like you, we have been together about 10 years and married for most of that time. But unlike youself, we have no children. (second marraige for both of us, I had kids, she did not).<br />
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Anyway, somehow through the years, we have lost that excitement, sex has turned into a chore for her, and it reflects back to me. It has gotten to the point where she has sex only because she thinks thats what I want, just sex. And it is now down to maybe once, and in a good month, 2 times. <br />
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The rest of our relationship is fine, we are friends, hold conversations, debate current affairs, spend time together, it's just we lost that excitement somewhere down the road, and when I mention talking about it, she says it's normal, and why start a fight (she considers it a fight).<br />
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Well, I say it's not! I'm almost embarrassed to admit how long it has been since we have actually had a passionate kiss. Wow, I can't even remember, 6, 7 years?!?!<br />
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So what I do understand, is the loneliness you are feeling, and that it makes you feel empty inside.