Hmmm I Am Curious

So in counselling it was let known that I have felt like I was separated from my H for longer than we have actually been separated because of the sexless issue and neglect. For him this is all still fairly new. I mentioned that I would like to one day move on, date and be happy. Of course to him dating is out of the question for me as well as for him. My counselor stated that I should be gentle with him considering he is not as far moved on as I am. I didnt really understand what she meant but okayyyy. My Mom tells me that I should not ever date anyone as long as we decide to be room mates. I told her she was ridiculous because would if we are able to do that for 10 years... then I dont date for 10 years??? I suppose I am curious, considering my Mom is sucking at advice. How soon is to soon to bring up dating after a split in a relationship. Or is it strictly up to me and not any of his concern anymore or is there a proper time frame out of respect....
NotAFairyTale NotAFairyTale
31-35, F
2 Responses Apr 7, 2012

This cries out for zipcode therapy.<br />
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Your recovery from this toxic marriage is going to be painfully slow with him breathing the same air as you, probably by a factor of ten.<br />
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You'll get better, and do better, well away from him and his kiddy ****.<br />
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And take the marriage off the agenda as a discussion yopic far as Mum goes - she has no clue.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I move at the end of July :) I am moving about an hour away, we are still sharing custody pretty severe because he is very used to seeing the kids and we dont want to hurt them, but I will get time to myself which I am very excited about. I would love to one day move out of state myself but I will wait till the kids get a bit older.

I tend to agree with VB here. The therapist seems to be pitying him, which to me is a recipe for more codependency. There are huge red flags and this guy needs tough boundaries not hand holding. He's still not being honest with himself about how long ago he checked out of the marriage. His answer should be "Looking back I realize I have been separated from you emotionally as well as physically for several years." Denial is a like a black hole; its sucks you and everyone around you (the therapist, your mother etc) into it. So fight, fight fight against the strength of denial NAFT. Hold on to what you know to be true.<br />
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I also agree with WP. Your case is *NOT* one I think that lends itself to the whole roommies who have children situation. He is not mature or whole enough to handle all that comes with that -- and YES, what comes with that includes you dating and maybe even getting serious with other people.

I thought the counselors comment was weird to as if I cant move on until he gets it... that could be forever. I am realizing the roomies thing wont work either.

Some therapists see their job to fix or preserve marriages. Technically a marriage counselor should view the marriage as the client... but in reality if a marriage isn't healthy and isn't changing efficiently then what is in the best interest of the union may be to end the marriage. In this case the therapist seems to feel sorry for your STBX because he's playing the poor me card. Someone needs to say to him "You were reading **** about young girls while you refused to touch your wife sexually. Yes - your wife has an absolute right to find that icky and want to divorce you. Let's be honest here and cut the BS." But I have a fantastic therapist who did say something very much like that to my XH. It didn't fix the marriage but damn did it make me feel like I wasn't crazy. So NAFT, I am telling you the above statement from fictional therapist. You are not crazy. He is in denial and he has a lot of people fooled, but not you anymore and that is the one that matters.

Thank you Change:) Sometimes I did feel like I was crazy, he put on that puppy dog face and has been acting like this is something that we should be able to fix, something that isnt worth ruining a marriage over and I was going over and over it trying to figure out why it was over for me. just hearing you say that Im not crazy that it is something that could make me want to divorce him and it has. I did need to hear it.